I Cheated on my Wife

LegacyUser · 23-11-2015 9:03pm #1

Hi,

I really need advice... I'm 38, married with kids. I love my wife so much and I regret deeply what I've done, I don't want to loose my beautiful family. I was on a buck's night out last Friday and got chatting to an absolutely stunning girl and ended up going back to her apartment where we had sex. Immediately I felt incredible guilt. I got home earlier than expected and haven't said anything to my wife even though the guilt is killing me. I honestly don't know why I did it, I can't blame alcohol because I wasn't drunk. I don't know, maybe I was dazzled by the girl's looks.. I hate myself for what I've done. But my wife is very anti-cheating, it could be the end for us if I come clean. Should I just keep this to myself and suffer in silence?

Thank you

Anon

Toots · 23-11-2015 9:27pm

If you were on a bucks night out there's a good chance you were seen leaving with this girl. Your wife may find out whether you tell her or not, if one of your mates knows. Did you use protection?

eviltwin · 23-11-2015 9:45pm

Normally I'd be of the opinion that if you have learned your lesson and genuinely feel terrible then say nothing but given you were with a bunch of people it's possible someone saw you and it will get out. If that's the case then you have to tell your wife before someone else does. Get yourself tested for stds too.

Neyite · 23-11-2015 9:47pm

Mod:

Just a reminder to keep things civil, supportive and constructive for the OP, everyone. Any posts deemed berating the OP will be actioned by Mods.

Augme · 23-11-2015 9:50pm

If you think she'll end it then don't say anything. I don't see what you have to gain from owning up.

zeffabelli · 23-11-2015 10:03pm

<SNIP - no need to quote OP>

You probably did it because it was different or because you were flattered that someone that attractive wanted you. Maybe you just liked feeling desired. Maybe you forgot you were married for a little while?

Honestly no one here can tell you whether to tell your wife or not.... hard to say... it depends on how you understand what you did, and how well she can endure betrayal.

Clearly you the level of guilt you feel is in direct proportion to the meaning you have invested in it...we don't feel guilty about things that mean nothing do we?

So it does mean something and you need to figure out what.... and if you don't tell her then you are going to bring an alienation into your lives... and that is a silent kind of betrayal.... in a way worse because you and she wont be able to identify why...and a wall gets built...whereas if you to tell her...there might be a chance of more closeness....

Dunno...you have some thinking to do.

Canyon Rock · 23-11-2015 10:31pm

<SNIP - no need to quote OP>

If it makes you feel better I think most married men would cheat given the same opportunity with a stunning woman after years of monogamy. I'd say keep it to yourself, your relationship and family will likely be worse off if you confess.

Ann84 · 23-11-2015 10:56pm

OP, I'm not going to slate you for what you've done but there are a couple of things that you need to acknowledge before deciding to tell your wife or not...
1. The guilt will fade - but never completely go away
2. You have fundementaly changed your relationship with you wife forever, even if you 'get away' with this, you now know not only that you can cheat on your wife and lie, but you can also lie to your wife, everyday!
3. The gate is open, things get tough someday... That gate is now open
4. Out of respect for your wife, probably best to get std tested..
5. If you decide not to come clean soon, you won't be able to because not only will you have cheated, but your wife will never trust you the more time goes by
6. Your reasons for not telling her are purely selfish - you only care about saving yourself... Selfish actions in a relationship rarely do the partnership any good, because you are putting you before 'us' and that will impact your connection even though your the only one who knows...

My Dad used to say that even cheaters who 'get away' with it, never really do and I think he was right. I know a couple of guys who 'got away' with it, only one couple are still together but I am not sure how much is convenience, it definately puts an invisible rift in relationships!
Maybe you will be able to forget it, maybe you won't but you can't undo it.
Personally I couldn't face living a lie and I would have to throw myself under the bus and be honest... I just couldn't face looking my partner in the eye everyday knowing I was lying to them but that's just me!
Marriages survive cheating but it's up to you what kind of person you want to be...

beks101 · 23-11-2015 11:05pm

Do you think you could just say nothing to your wife and forget about it, and not be torn up by guilt at the lack of loyalty and respect for her?

And if you could keep mum about it - would that change the nature of your relationship? In other words, is there a chance you might do this again?

retro:electro · 23-11-2015 11:12pm

Canyon Rock wrote: »

If it makes you feel better I think most married men would cheat given the same opportunity with a stunning woman after years of monogamy. I'd say keep it to yourself, your relationship and family will likely be worse off if you confess.

Answers like this make me sad to be honest, I would like to think that this isn't true of most married men.

Op I think you're fooling yourself if you think you can repress what you've done and act as if nothing has happened, your actions were obviously symptomatic of something and this may reoccur again in the future. You were completely aware of what you were doing, yet you still did it. And your reason for telling her shouldn't be because "she may find out elsewhere", it should be because you're sorry and you respect her enough to tell her you fcuked up and let her see from there what she wants to do with that information.

Confucius say · 23-11-2015 11:14pm

Learn your lesson and say nothing. Easier for you both that way. Sad to think that this probably happens way more than you'd expect.

zeffabelli · 23-11-2015 11:18pm

anna080 wrote: »

Answers like this make me sad to be honest, I would like to think that this isn't true of most married men.

Op I think you're fooling yourself if you think you can repress what you've done and act as if nothing has happened, your actions were obviously symptomatic of something and this may reoccur again in the future. You were completely aware of what you were doing, yet you still did it. And your reason for telling her shouldn't be because "she may find out elsewhere", it should be because you're sorry and you respect her enough to tell her you fcuked up and let her see from there what she wants to do with that information.

I agree you never get away with it. Because you are hiding a part of yourself and you can't feel loved knowing that the other person loves an edited version of you.

And that has to spill ... No way around it.

Yeah telling in case your friends let something slip is the least of the worry or the reasons.

Maybe you don't trust her enough to forgive you.

Ann84 · 23-11-2015 11:21pm

Confucius say wrote: »

Learn your lesson and say nothing. Easier for you both that way. Sad to think that this probably happens way more than you'd expect.

Do you not think that saying nothing has serious implications on the relationship? That it puts a big empty lie in between the 2 people involved?
It never gets resolved, just sits there, one big lie undermining the whole marriage?
It does happen, but it would be interesting to understand how many lie about it and continue on versus how many come clean and work through it...

LegacyUser · 23-11-2015 11:27pm

It's a tough dilemma.

I think you've learned a valuable lesson about how much you value your wife and family. Unfortunately, you've learned it at a high cost.

If you think it will end your marriage, I wouldn't tell your wife but I'd remember how you feel now and keep it in mind when this could happen again.

Anyone can make a mistake, it's not for us to judge. Give your all to being a better husband and remember how easy you could lose what is really important in your life.

Also, I've been on plenty of stags where lads have done worse, stories never make it back, that doesn't make it right but the only way this will come out is if you choose for it to come out, imo. I know plenty of guys who would have (and have) done the same, it's not ok (as I said) but it doesn't make you the worst person of all time.

Good luck, genuinely hope you can put this behind you and focus on your marriage and family.

njs030 · 23-11-2015 11:30pm

I think before doing anything else you should get an std test whether you used protection or not. At least then you know if you HAVE to tell her.
Do this immediately and don't have sex with your wife in the meantime.

Confucius say · 23-11-2015 11:34pm

Ann84 wrote: »

Do you not think that saying nothing has serious implications on the relationship? That it puts a big empty lie in between the 2 people involved?
It never gets resolved, just sits there, one big lie undermining the whole marriage?
It does happen, but it would be interesting to understand how many lie about it and continue on versus how many come clean and work through it...

He can put it down as a mistake and try not to do it again. If he's capable of banging someone else sober he's capable of getting over it too and going back to how things were. I'm not condoning his actions at all, it's terrible, but if she never knows it won't hurt her, that's the sad truth.

Ann84 · 23-11-2015 11:40pm

Confucius say wrote: »

He can put it down as a mistake and try not to do it again. If he's capable of banging someone else sober he's capable of getting over it too and going back to how things were. I'm not condoning his actions at all, it's terrible, but if she never knows it won't hurt her, that's the sad truth.

He would have to be pretty cold to be able to compartmentalise like that... If he loves his wife, I mean actually loves her I would imagine he would want to maintain a healthy relationship with her rather than compartmentalise and hope he can repress a lie in a fake way to sustain his family life... But there are many who do I suppose!
I guess that's why my Dad said you never really 'get away' with it cause that would be a really sad truth!!! ðŸ˜Š

iusedtoknow · 23-11-2015 11:41pm

You do know why you did it. You're a 38 year man with a family, not some hormoned up 19 year old. There has to be a reason for you to do this - you really need to examine your motivations - it didn't "just happen". In the medium term this should be your focus - figuring out what is bothering you with your marriage. There was a response earlier in the thread that everyone thinks about doing this after years of monogamy. It may make you feel better, but it's not true.

In the short term there are two main concerns for you.

First - a STD test and protected sex with your wife until you get the all clear.

The other concern should be obvious - someone knows you did it - you slipped away from a bucks night to go home with someone. Someone saw you do this, someone wondered where you went. This should also be a concern for you (especially if you're looking to get away with it). You may find yourself having to answer to someone about this.

Confucius say · 23-11-2015 11:46pm

Ann84 wrote: »

He would have to be pretty cold to be able to compartmentalise like that... If he loves his wife, I mean actually loves her I would imagine he would want to maintain a healthy relationship with her rather than compartmentalise and hope he can repress a lie in a fake way to sustain his family life... But there are many who do I suppose!
I guess that's why my Dad said you never really 'get away' with it cause that would be a really sad truth!!! ðŸ˜Š

Well this guy is hardly a bastion of morality given his actions so living with a lie is hardly going to be difficult for him. The sad fact is I know at least 2 married guys with kids that have cheated on their wives and still play happy families without a care in the world, at least that's what I can see from the outside.

Ann84 · 23-11-2015 11:53pm

Confucius say wrote: »

Well this guy is hardly a bastion of morality given his actions so living with a lie is hardly going to be difficult for him. The sad fact is I know at least 2 married guys with kids that have cheated on their wives and still play happy families without a care in the world, at least that's what I can see from the outside.

No but that's just it, it's playing and I've seen it catch up to them...
Anyway, OP what you decide to do here is a reflection on you and your relationship... You have a chance to work things out with your wife, or spend the rest of your marriage lying to her and its your decision who you want to be!
I hope your wife would value your relationship enough to try to work through it with you, she may not but that's a risk you can take to live honestly forever more!

Canyon Rock · 24-11-2015 12:13am

Your children should be your priority so forget it ever happened and move on. You had sex, you didn't kill anyone.

bilbot79 · 24-11-2015 12:38am

You'd be mad to tell her. Your penance is to live with the guilt.
All men live with that temptation. You should have walked away but instead you walked into it. Few guys would resist a stunner that wanted it if they got close enough. Like a 5 year old to a chocolate cake the only way to escape is not to go near it. Telling would br s disaster and you'd be surprised how many people that know won't be calling your wife to tell her. Guys don't tell cos they just don't and women don't tell because your wife will hate them for it. Man up and stick it out, in about 5 years it'll feel like it never happened and everyone will being loving life, don't f*** it up cos you were too weak to contain the guilt

PucaMama · 24-11-2015 12:40am

If I was your wife I'd want to know you had betrayed me. Sad to see so many people are ok with lieing. Very sad.

bilbot79 · 24-11-2015 12:43am

PucaMama wrote: »

If I was your wife I'd want to know you had betrayed me. Sad to see so many people are ok with lieing. Very sad.

No you wouldn't it would feel terrible and ruin everything and for what? Serial cheating is one thing but messing up once should be swept under the carpet rather than causing turmoil

Colser · 24-11-2015 12:45am

You were soberish and went back to her apartment which means it wasnt spur of the moment and also you can be sure the others know what you did and wont be keeping it to themselves.

As a woman all I can say is that whatever chance you have of your wife getting over it if you tell her you have a MUCH lesser chance of that happening if she hears it from someone else.Also dont be surprised if she picks up that something is up between you anyway as we have a great gut instinct when it comes to that kind of thing.

It would (and was) be over for me anyway but we are all different.

PucaMama · 24-11-2015 12:45am

bilbot79 wrote: »

No you wouldn't it would feel terrible and ruin everything and for what? Serial cheating is one thing but messing up once should be swept under the carpet rather than causing turmoil

I'd rather know than be disrespected like that. And the fact other people saw him go with the other woman. Complete disrespect. Was she home with the children when he was off carrying on like a teenager?

PressRun · 24-11-2015 1:28am

bilbot79 wrote: »

No you wouldn't it would feel terrible and ruin everything and for what? Serial cheating is one thing but messing up once should be swept under the carpet rather than causing turmoil

I would want to know too, and I don't think you can really tell other people what they would or wouldn't want in this situation.

If I was the wife, I'd want to know so then an informed decision could be made on whether the marriage can be salvaged. Leaving his wife in the dark is just making her a participant in something that she might not otherwise choose to be a part of if she knew the full story. She at least deserves the courtesy of being able to make up her own mind about it rather than being lied to. As it stands, brushing it under the carpet is just one party making the decision on behalf of both.

On top of all that, I highly doubt this all went unnoticed by other people on this night out. I would imagine at least one person is wondering what happened. If other people know, and he still wants to "sweep it under the carpet", then he's publicly making a fool of his wife (he's made a fool of her anyway).

bilbot79 · 24-11-2015 1:48am

PucaMama wrote: »

I'd rather know than be disrespected like that. And the fact other people saw him go with the other woman. Complete disrespect. Was she home with the children when he was off carrying on like a teenager?

I agree it's awfully disrespectful but he's no tiger woods

PucaMama · 24-11-2015 1:52am

bilbot79 wrote: »

I agree it's awfully disrespectful but he's no tiger woods

He doesn't have to be. Once is enough.

bilbot79 · 24-11-2015 2:02am

PucaMama wrote: »

He doesn't have to be. Once is enough.

Men are much much more likely to do the dirt. I haven't myself but my advice to the op is to learn his lesson and move on. Once is bad but it's not as bad as you're making out. I'm not condoning it and I know I'm 'technically' incorrect I my advice but I think if he can keep it to just once then it's better to take the path of least damage. I think you've taken the role of victim and felt their pain but haven't considered that if this is a once off then there doesn't have to be pain. People make mistakes.

No disrespect to your opinion btw, I do realise I'm morally incorrect

SATSUMA · 24-11-2015 2:42am

Before you tell her what you have done go ask yourself WHY you did it.

Go see a therapist ASAP you need to talk this out with a trained professional you risk losing your entire family and breaking your wife's heart. You need to find out the root cause of the problem in your marriage. You owe her this at least.

topmanamillion · 24-11-2015 2:59am

I think we are all human and you do seem genuinely remorseful about it.

If there's a 0.01% that your wife could find out from someone else then you have to sit her down and tell her. It's much better coming from you than say from one of your friends (future) ex girlfriends when she's had a few too many gins or gossip starts around town.

If you're certain no one knows or at least no more than one or possiblly two very close friends do then do the following;
Use it to make your marriage stronger. Be a better husband and father than you've ever been. I'm not talking a few months until your guilt eases do it for the rest of your life.

You need to think about why it happened.
Are there any reasons why you did it? Think hard about it. You may love your wife but are you in a rut in your relationship/career or life in general?
If the answer to any of that is yes. You need to make changes. Whether it's changing careers or telling your wife how you feel and maybe pursuing relationship counciling.

In the end you have two choices. Either tell your wife and relieve your guilt or use your guilt to make sure it never happens again.

beyondbelief67 · 24-11-2015 4:09am

If you ever loved her, and ever respected her, then have a bit of respect for her now and tell her before someone else does.
It hurts twice as bad hearing it from someone else.
And please don't have sex with her before getting std tests done.
I forgave my ex husband the first time, and wish I hadn't as he seemed to take it as I sign that he could do it again and again, so if she forgives you, I hope you won't do that. But you do need to think why you did it as she will ask.
And you need to know why for your own sake too.

MintyMagnum · 24-11-2015 7:30am

If your wife had sex with another man would you want her to tell you?

LegacyUser · 24-11-2015 8:07am

There's a lot high falutin OTT replies in this thread.. Put it to the back of your mind, move on and don't break up your family over it..

I wouldn't worry too much whether you can allow someone love an "edited version of yourself" or other such nonsense. You cheated, no one died.. move on and next time you get the opportunity ask yourself is it worth breaking up your family over..

Heat_Wave · 24-11-2015 8:31am

Canyon Rock wrote: »

<SNIP - no need to quote OP>

If it makes you feel better I think most married men would cheat given the same opportunity with a stunning woman after years of monogamy. I'd say keep it to yourself, your relationship and family will likely be worse off if you confess.

That is such rubbish! *insert angry face here*

My dad would never in a million years cheat on my mum, even if a 6ft 22year old curvaceous brunette with diamonds as nipples came along. He loves my mum and she loves him.

It's quite depressing that you received three thanks for that. All I can gather is that the four of you are single because that is not true.

Sinister Kid · 24-11-2015 9:06am

How have thinks been with you & your wife since it happened? I know you haven't told her but if there is even a small change in your behaviour she more than likely sence something is up. If she begins so suspect & does some digging you could be in bigger trouble for not coming clean.. . If I was your wife & found out from someone else, I would be thinking how many times have you done it and gotten away with it.

If you do decide not to say anything, you should consider going to talk to a professional. Work on your issues & why you did what you did it.

cbyrd · 24-11-2015 11:05am

From coming out of a marriage where I was cheated on this is my advice.
Unless you are looking for kicks outside your marriage by repeatedly cheating, you will cause huge hurt to both your wife AND your children if you fess up.

If it was a once off then leave it there and hope you get away with it.

It's only going to make you feel better by telling your wife, right? But the aftermath will not be worth it.

The only reason you should unburden your own conscience is if you think your marriage and your wife are strong enough to take this bomb and survive.
Trouble is, even with the best will in the world, all the counselling you can shake a stick at, will never bring back the trust in your relationship.
Without trust, your marriage will slowly and painfully disintegrate.
So think long and hard before you put this to your wife. She will never look at you the same way. She will always wonder if you will do it again. Every woman she sees you talk or laugh with in the future will be a potential affair.
By clearing your conscience, you will destroy her.
Anyone that saw you leave with this woman can be told you chickened out and ran away.
From the outside looking in, no-one can say what your marriage is like.
No-one has the authority to judge.
You have to decide whether it's worth it.

In my case, I found out by accident, I spent 7 years trying to gloss over it. We had 2 more children (4 altogether) but by the time our marriage ended I was a different person, driven to not caring by a man who though so little of me that he had, by the end, his work colleague pick him up for work nights out, I'd never met her but my children had. When one of our children called her daddy's girlfriend, I knew it was time to get my life back.
Put the boot on the other foot for a minute.
Your wife comes home after a hen party and says, sorry darling, I had a couple of drinks and rode this stunning guy, but it meant nothing... Would you feel better for knowing? Would you trust her the next time she went out?
You were selfish enough to ride someone else, don't be selfish enough to put it on your wife to make it ok.
Good luck.

strandroad · 24-11-2015 11:25am

Cbyrd if you were told after the first time perhaps it wouldn't go that far. Your husband gave himself permission to keep his actions secret at first and then he kept going deeper.

There is a reason OP cheated, even if he doesn't know it, and it has not gone away. If he gives himself permission to keep his wife in the dark their relationship will change too, only that he'll be the only one aware of it. And that reason will be there still, and he'll know that he got away with it once by "protecting" her. What could go wrong there...

LegacyUser · 24-11-2015 12:22pm

How sure can you be OP that it won't happen again?

Its one of those things imo that is like forbidden fruit. You had a taste of it, feel awful, but in time you won't feel as awful. And then some other stunner will come along and you may do it again, and again etc.

I don't think its as black and white as just "forgetting about it" or "keeping it to yourself" like so many nice people have advised you here. If you have any sort of conscience its going to mess with your head. And your wife IS going to notice something is up with you.

It's amazing how many men and women are willing to ruin their own lives for the sake of a night between the sheets with a randomer they meet out and about. Amazing.

24-11-2015 1:13pm

Am I the only one that gets really uncomfortable with the sheer number of people that say, "oh, don't tell. get over it." It's like.. where is your decency? Where is your sense of loyalty? The OP did a horrible thing; they knowingly had sex with someone else. You can't excuse any of that. If it were just a quick kiss, then sure, mistake, but look into what is entailed - flirting, kissing, removing of clothing, before the act of sex even happened. At no point did the OP stop this. They could have, but they didn't.

If they had any compassion or actual love with their wife, they'd be completely honest and tell them. Anything else isn't love, it isn't compassion - it is just selfishness and nothing else.

And not to mention the fact that they were out with other people. Someone likely saw them leave with this other girl and more than likely know that he is married. Can the OP risk having his wife, who he claims to love dearly, finding out from someone else and not from him?

OP - you did the deed. Do the right thing and tell her and face the consequences of your actions.

bilbot79 · 24-11-2015 1:20pm

mhge wrote: »

Cbyrd if you were told after the first time perhaps it wouldn't go that far. Your husband gave himself permission to keep his actions secret at first and then he kept going deeper.

There is a reason OP cheated, even if he doesn't know it, and it has not gone away. If he gives himself permission to keep his wife in the dark their relationship will change too, only that he'll be the only one aware of it. And that reason will be there still, and he'll know that he got away with it once by "protecting" her. What could go wrong there...

Yes there is a reason. It's called a penis.

The idea that there is an underlying, uberimportant other reason that he 'really' did it isn't true. That idea just comes from women literally indulging their deep seated fear that their man doesn't love them anymore. It's irresistible, like picking a scab

retro:electro · 24-11-2015 1:24pm

bilbot79 wrote: »

Yes there is a reason. It's called a penis.

The idea that there is an underlying, uberimportant other reason that he 'really' did it isn't true. That idea just comes from women literally indulging their deep seated fear that their man doesn't love them anymore. It's irresistible, like picking a scab

Maybe for you it is, I don't know what permits you to make such a crass generalisation about all men? I think your post says more about you than it does about men in general.

24-11-2015 1:27pm

bilbot79 wrote: »

Yes there is a reason. It's called a penis.

The idea that there is an underlying, uberimportant other reason that he 'really' did it isn't true. That idea just comes from women literally indulging their deep seated fear that their man doesn't love them anymore. It's irresistible, like picking a scab

Wow, thank you for lumping me in with your sweeping generalizations. You speak for just yourself, not for other men.

Of course there's an underlying reason, that the OP isn't aware of. If he was as happy as he claims to be, then the thought of, "I want to hook up with this random woman" wouldn't have crossed his mind whatsoever.

Neyite · 24-11-2015 1:32pm

The thing is Boney, few people are truly selfless when they know it has the potential to upend a family's happiness.

It's right to say that the OP should do the decent thing and tell his wife, but naturally he's afraid of where that will leave him, his family, his home. From next week, kids will be writing to Santa, parents will be planning for Christmas, trees will be going up, so the timing to come clean really is sh!t.

I believe that he should tell his wife- its the right thing to do. But I also recognise that the fallout from this will send ripples through not only his family but also the wider family should a separation occur.

OP, its possible that your wife, when faced with the actual truth that you cheated might have a very different reaction to what you or even she expects she might do in a theoretical scenario. It's very different when faced with reality. If you are totally, brutally honest, totally remorseful and regretful and would do whatever it takes to win back your wife's trust and your relationship, she might be less likely to sling you out. But, if you wait until she hears a rumour, or gets told from someone who saw you, I'd say any slim hope you had of salvage would be gone. So maybe your choice is to come clean, go through a rocky patch for a while, and come out the other side together, stronger and better than ever, or wait in dread for a slip up to occur, have your wife wonder and worry what's gotten into you, and when she finds out from someone else, its beyond saving.

One thing that I have noticed is that Ireland is tiny and you'd be surprised at how easily it is to get spotted by someone who knows you. You are better off to work off the assumption that you were seen by people, or the girl involved might mention your name to such-and-such and they went to college with your sister in law /were at your wedding etc.

LegacyUser · 24-11-2015 1:49pm

Neyite wrote: »

OP, its possible that your wife, when faced with the actual truth that you cheated might have a very different reaction to what you or even she expects she might do in a theoretical scenario. It's very different when faced with reality. If you are totally, brutally honest, totally remorseful and regretful and would do whatever it takes to win back your wife's trust and your relationship, she might be less likely to sling you out. But, if you wait until she hears a rumour, or gets told from someone who saw you, I'd say any slim hope you had of salvage would be gone. So maybe your choice is to come clean, go through a rocky patch for a while, and come out the other side together, stronger and better than ever, or wait in dread for a slip up to occur, have your wife wonder and worry what's gotten into you, and when she finds out from someone else, its beyond saving.

+ 1 pretty much this OP, if she finds out now from you right after the fact it's going to be painful but there is something at least to work with. If she finds out months from now from a 3rd party she's very unlikely to believe you when you say it was a one off.

bilbot79 · 24-11-2015 2:17pm

anna080 wrote: »

Maybe for you it is, I don't know what permits you to make such a crass generalisation about all men? I think your post says more about you than it does about men in general.

Apologies for the crass generalisation. I'm basing my opinion on the idea that it's just a blip nothing more for the OP. Hope I'm not offending any women, I just thought if that cos I saw a video recently where it was explained that when a guy looks at a girl at a beach his GF might begin to fear he doesn't love her any more and can't stop thinking about the girl at the beach whereas the reality is that he can't remember the girl at the beach and probably didn't even look at her face. I think girls sometimes read meaning into these things when there isn't any there. I realise my comments might annoy some folk, sorry in advance

strandroad · 24-11-2015 2:29pm

bilbot79 wrote: »

Yes there is a reason. It's called a penis.

The idea that there is an underlying, uberimportant other reason that he 'really' did it isn't true. That idea just comes from women literally indulging their deep seated fear that their man doesn't love them anymore. It's irresistible, like picking a scab

Look perhaps he has a case of uncontrollable penis and it is his reason indeed. I don't accept that it's true for all men but it sure is for some.

What I'm saying is that to conveniently forget about the deed won't cure the reason and it will only make it easier to stray again. The trust in this marriage has been breached even if the wife is oblivious for now.

If he can truly expect his wife to dump him on the spot, the absolute minimum would be to arrange some counselling to understand why on earth did he feel the need to go through all those steps to shag a stranger if he claims to be happy in marriage, and how not to do it again when he sees another attractive person.

BnB · 24-11-2015 3:38pm

There is some awful BS spewed on this thread.

Firstly - "You'd be shocked at how often this happens".... "All married men would cheat if they had a chance"... etc etc Utter utter rubbish. The vast majority of Married men go through their lives loving their wives and not cheating on them.

Secondly.... A few people have commented.... "once you've done it once, you'll do it again" ....... ".....the gate is open now...." etc. . I do agree, someone who cheats is more likely to do it again than someone who has never done it before. But lets take the OP at his word here. he screwed up, it's out of character.

I am trying to put myself in the OPs shoes. I'm the same age as him, married 10+ years. I know that if I was ever to do anything like this and my wife found out, either by me telling her a sob story about how guilty I feel or she found out some other way - I'm out the door - Straight away - Do not pass go, do not collect €200 - just get out.

So if anything like that ever did happen to me (or her), the only way of saving the marriage is by the other person not finding out. Yes - you'd have to live with the guilt and the worry for years, but it is the only option if you want to have a marriage. And I would have to say honestly, if my wife ever did sleep with someone else, I think I would rather not know. I would rather have her live with a bit of guilt for a few years after messing up than breaking up our marriage.

So - I would say, if you really do love her and want to keep your marriage alive, do whatever you can to make sure she never finds out, and cop the hell on and don't ever make such a dumb mistake again. And if you ever do, do it again, well then do the decent thing and do tell your wife and deal with the consequences.

24-11-2015 4:02pm

Meanewhile wrote: »

Lol.

Sorry to piss on your parade but they are. Just like women. Hell, I'd be the same. If I was stuck married to a ballooning hormonal blimp who takes all my money and has no interest in sex, I'll look for it elsewhere.

OP, you best tell your wife. It's her decision what she wants to do. By not telling her, you're making that for her and that's bad play.

Your marriage can't be that happy anyway.

... If you were stuck married to something that disgusts you so much, then surely a divorce is the better option, instead of looking for it elsewhere? Unless some form of agreement can be reached by both parties involved.

Also the OP said nothing about their wife being, as you so eloquently put it, a "ballooning hormonal blimp who takes all my money and has no interest in sex". So I have no idea where that is coming from.

cbyrd · 24-11-2015 6:46pm

mhge wrote:

Cbyrd if you were told after the first time perhaps it wouldn't go that far. Your husband gave himself permission to keep his actions secret at first and then he kept going deeper.

My situation is very different from the OP's. Firstly I discovered his infidelity by the way he was acting before the actual physical part started! Not by being told but by how he was behaving. Secretive and guilty! He started by chatting online to this person it then moved on to phone calls and Skype and then became physical after about a year. I was married with 2 children, mortgage and self employed. I had no idea how I would manage if we split up. That's why I made the choice to stay with him and work on the marriage.
We went on to have our 3rd baby,( I later discovered that he was having another affair when I was 10 weeks pregnant) my dad was really ill and at this stage we were barely speaking.. We had our moments. A month after my dad died I went out with dome friends and got really drunk.. I came home and the following month discovered I was pregnant with our 4th baby. This was met with ' congratulations, you got what you wanted' he went for a vasectomy when I was 6 months pregnant. A year later I decided to give it one last ditch attempt. I lost weight and tried really hard but it was very clear that he wasn't interested anymore. All he needed was somewhere to come home to and have his food cooked and laundry done.
So I asked him to leave. You know what? He couldn't understand why? I moved across the country and he moved too. I'm now in a wonderful relationship but he can't stop stirring trouble. So, permission or not, he didn't care enough and I was afraid of being left alone with 4 kids not knowing how I would manage. Such was his manipulation and mind games..

I Cheated on my Wife

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