Female Friendships

LegacyUser · 18-11-2015 10:49pm #1

Hi everyone,

I am female in my late 30s. A few years ago my best friend of school and college cut me out of her life for no clear reason. At least not clear to me. She just became unavailable to meet and her messages became cold and distant. When I questioned her she just said she was busy and was trying to save so not going out. I was upset but accepted this. However it became apparent that this was bs and she was still meeting up with other friends. I didn't want to cause a bit rift so I asked a mutual friend who claimed she didn't know why "Mary" cut me off but am not so sure. I thought I had gotten over this (decided she must have had her reason) but after a few life events such as getting engaged etc I really miss having this friend and childish as it may sound I really miss the security of having a best friend. All those old feelings of hurt have become flooding back.

I moved abroad for a year for work to a not very glamorous part of the UK and was very lonely initially. It was around this time that I noticed that many other long term friends were really not that supportive. A few promised to visit but never did and while I understand people are busy I know that if I was living in London they would have been much more eager to visit. One friend came over and I was looking forward to a night out as at this stage I didn't know anyone but she had been out the night before and went to bed early. We were in a pub and there were no decent guys there!

Since I moved back home again I have noticed these long term friends tend to suit themselves and really won't put themselves out for anyone. People hide behind being so busy. Nobody is that busy that they can't respond to a message or meet for a quick coffee. I just feel let down and disappointed by my old friends.
I just miss days of old when you would hang out and chat and not be so self involved and busy all the time. I am not really looking for advice per se. Am just wondering if anyone else ever feels like this about their long term friends? I just find female friendships can be so hard and never felt this before? I feel really disappointed after while not perfect trying to be a good friend myself. Since my best friend cut me off I have lost my confidence with friendship. Any thoughts?

Confucius say · 19-11-2015 2:53pm

From my experience it just seems to be the way things go as you get older. I never see the guys I was closest to when I was younger as we just drifted apart and they have their own busy lives now and also just aren't as social as I am. I have a few friends now that make an effort to see me regularly and I appreciate them the most nowadays. I wouldn't let it upset you, it's their loss not yours. Try and find new outlets where you can chat and make friends. Sometimes you just have to let old friends go.

miamee · 19-11-2015 4:23pm

As we get older, we change and our priorities change. It seems like you and your friends are interested in different things in life at this point. When you are a kid and you spend all of your spare time with your friends; at school, hobbies, summer holidays - friendship comes very easily. But you have to put a lot more effort in as people meet partners, get busy jobs, have families etc. That's just the way it happens.
You mention "old friends" a few times but as someone in your late 30s you must have made some other friends in life, through college or work or hobbies? It's time to start investing more time in these friendships. I'm a similar age to you and find that I often have to make significant effort to meet up with people or else I will never see them. And it *is* an effort, sometimes well rewarded and sometimes you wish you hadn't bothered with the hassle of trying to find times and adtes to suit everyone but it beats sitting at home thinking about it.

The best friend fading away is odd but it sounds like ye didn't fall out, just grow apart and perhaps at some stage you will be friends again.

gargargar · 19-11-2015 4:58pm

I'm a male near your age and I may be able to give the other perspective.

I have a bunch of friends back from my teens. We did all the things that you do together in your teens/20s and into our 30s. As we got into our 30s life started to change. Kids/wives/careers. It's not just that though. I suppose part of it is getting older. I just can't be bothered putting in the effort to meet old friends. I have too much with work and day to day life to bother going out. When I do I really enjoy it, but often I am happy at the end of the day to relax at home.

Also, I find sometimes when you are older you have less time for BS. Some of the stuff I put it with in my friends in the past i.e. selfishness or whatever, I can't be bothered with now. I still like them, just not aspects of their personalities. In the past I overlooked these things, now I can't be bothered.

Corvo · 19-11-2015 5:39pm

I don't think many people could expand further than what has been said above, unfortunately it is a fact of life that friends (no matter how close) sometimes just move on. Plus you never know what people have going on in their personal lives that may be affecting them.

My usual piece of advice to people that lose confidence in themselves in some aspect of their lives is this - and it applies to when you lose a long term boyfriend / girlfriend or a best friend. You had something about your personality in the first place that made these people love you. That part of you still remains and other people in the world will want to be part of it. Don't be focusing on the imaginary things about you that you feel made a certain person drift off (often, there was no reason, at least not personal to you). Focus on the good stuff. And people gravitate towards that.

Before you know it, it will all fall in together.

Best of luck

Confucius say · 19-11-2015 5:50pm

If it makes you feel any worse, I can't think of one friend my parents have that were around before I was born so...

Sunny Dayz · 19-11-2015 6:13pm

OP while you don't mention it, take it that you don't have a partner or kids. By the time people get to their late 30's many are partnered, family, job and mortgaged. While I'm in my early 30's myself and my friends don't see each other as much as we would like to. We all partnered off, some have children, are paying mortgages or Dublin rents and all lucky to be working.
I can say hand on heart there aren't near enough hours in the day or week.
The days of old that you are thinking of, where as you say you used to "hang out and chat" are alright when you have no responsibilities. If myself and the girls wanted to do that all together, we would nearly have to plan it a month or two in advance between work schedules and getting childminders!

pookie82 · 19-11-2015 10:24pm

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

OP while you don't mention it, take it that you don't have a partner or kids. By the time people get to their late 30's many are partnered, family, job and mortgaged. While I'm in my early 30's myself and my friends don't see each other as much as we would like to. We all partnered off, some have children, are paying mortgages or Dublin rents and all lucky to be working.

OP mentions she's engaged (at least that's how I read it - she missed having her friend around to share this event), so I don't think it's a case of a single friend left behind...

LegacyUser · 20-11-2015 2:15am

I think you're expecting too much from your friends, and then getting v disappointed when they don't meet your idea of how they should respond to you.

Like others have said, most people have a lot going on by the time they hit late 30s: mortgage, scariy high rent, kids, partner, more responsible job meaning more hours, financial worries,sick parents, and tiredness due to all of the above!

They may mean to meet up, but it takes more effort, more advance organising, money they might not have. And sometimes just relaxing at home seems a lot more appealing.

Have to say that the way things are in my life (similar age), I wouldn't commit to going away for the wkend to see s friend. I just have too much else on. If it was a fab city, that might entice me a small bit more, but really it would be too much time & money for me. I wonder if you're focused on yourself a bit too much about people not visiting you. It's just too hard or too much effort on top of everything else in life to a lot of people at your age.

I'm getting the impression that you may be clingy with your friends, which is a major turn-off. Might there be any truth in this? Could explain your oldest pal cutting you out of her life.

OnTheCouch · 20-11-2015 9:41am

femalefriends wrote: »

Since I moved back home again I have noticed these long term friends tend to suit themselves and really won't put themselves out for anyone. People hide behind being so busy. Nobody is that busy that they can't respond to a message or meet for a quick coffee. I just feel let down and disappointed by my old friends.
I just miss days of old when you would hang out and chat and not be so self involved and busy all the time.

gargargar wrote: »

I just can't be bothered putting in the effort to meet old friends. I have too much with work and day to day life to bother going out. When I do I really enjoy it, but often I am happy at the end of the day to relax at home.

It's a tricky one, as much as humans can be incredibly generous and altruistic at times, this is usually restricted to their immediate family and partner, plus possibly a couple of close friends. So going outside this circle is unusual enough. Although you could argue you need to focus on yourself in order to survive, the selfish gene and all that, there is only so much pity you can have for others etc etc. Unfortunately then sometimes your friends can often be quite self-centered, other than on occasion. I had a conversation with a friend about this very topic two days ago, she admitted that saying you were busy or lacking in funds was just the easiest way of getting out of something that you don't want to go to without offending anyone too much. And she was referring to invitations from her best friend. As you say, no one is ever that busy (exceptional circumstances aside) to see someone they really want to see.

Now you mentioned that if you lived in London people would have come to see you more. Sadly yes, that's also almost certainly true. If a good friend lives in a big metropolis, it's much more tempting to go and see them than if they live out in the sticks, as you get to kill two birds with one stone.

I'm sure there is nothing wrong with you per se. It's just that as a general rule people do get more self-involved as they get older. You start to see it at first around the mid-twenties and it just tends to get worse after that. Strangely enough I find men to be worse than women for this, although the example in your case was a female. Contrary to your experience however, in my 30s, I have found living away from friends usually improves the situation, as they know you won't be asking them to go out every weekend and if you plan a night out early enough in advance when you return for a weekend or whatever, even those with children are usually agreeable.

I admire gargargar's honesty in the post above, I suspect this is the main reason for friends turning you down, just most won't have the honesty to tell you this, or prefer to use the busy/no money excuse so as to not offend. Once the daily jobs require more and more responsibility, the more tired you feel on a day to day basis. If you are in a long-term relationship, the primary focus and socialising tends to gravitate towards to them as opposed to the friends, who become more and more like a bonus, by no means the main priority. If children come along, they take up a huge amount of your time. Having a mortgage can be stressful as well if you are always worried about having enough to pay it every month. And naturally enough the older you get generally the less energy you have compared to your younger days.

Many people just aren't that social past the peak going out years of 16-23. All these things add up. He also said that if a certain person might be somewhat "flawed" it's going to be a lot less appealing to put up with these personality traits as you get older and more self-assured, unless you really have a tight bond with that person.

You could always try the obvious solution and hang out with younger people. I don't know if you would feel comfortable doing this however. Of course you'll have to take on more responsibility in the organisation of events because people definitely won't turn up after a quick phonecall two hours before an outing like they might have done when they were 18.

And of course you can always try to make new friends, as cliched as that may seem. There are many people in the same boat as you, even if your old friends are not. You just have to know where to find them.

Good luck

Sunny Dayz · 20-11-2015 10:19am

pookie82 wrote: »

OP mentions she's engaged (at least that's how I read it - she missed having her friend around to share this event), so I don't think it's a case of a single friend left behind...

Sorry missed that bit.

xXLaneyXx · 20-11-2015 1:03pm

Hi OP,
I've been where you are and had so many let-downs by friends that I decided to just stop trying. Gradually most of them petered away. It was only then that I came to realise that I only have one or 2 very good friends that will always make time If and when they can to meet up/catch up. Because we are all very spread out due to our work its sometimes hard to get together but I know they are always at the end of the phone If and when I need them. We all have our own responsibilities, mortgages, husbands/boyfriends, families so its understandable that meet-ups aren't always possible.
Where I'm now living I joined a gym and have developed a couple of really good friendships and see those girls a whole lot more than my older friends. Also my OH has his friends whom also have girlfriends/wives that like to go for dinner or nights out so I never feel like I'm missing out.:)
As others have said, things change over time and so do people. What's important to you wont be important to them.
I say get out there and meet new people or even work on new friendships you may already have. Don't dwell on what could have been.. look forward and embrace what it can be!!:D

Dellnum · 20-11-2015 10:27pm

We like to keep in touch with old friends because it is easier than making new friends, but we all move on at different times. Your old friend has now moved on and you are still hankering after her, so best to forget about her and move on yourself. When you feel like you do, that this friend is not reciprocating the friendship then that is your signal that things are changing between you and you need to look for new friendships. It is something that we all go through so don't feel that there is something wrong with you. It just means that it is time for you to look for new friends. So stop looking for more from this particular person than she is prepared to give and you will save yourself a lot of hassle.

LegacyUser · 21-11-2015 5:08pm

Just to turn this on its head, what are you bringing to your friends lives? Not saying that you're not bringing anything - but maybe a different perspective worth looking at, like what are you doing for them? Who knows, maybe an answer lies therein. Is there any chance that you have needs from them, but you aren't heeding what they might need from you?

Female Friendships

Comments