How to put the past behind

missrosetaylor · 15-11-2015 9:42pm #1

Hi all,

I wanted to write here as my problem is something that I'm not entirely comfortable talking to my family and friends about anymore. About 2 months ago I got dumped by a guy I had been seeing over the summer. He was someone who I really cared about and during the time we were together he had really pursued me and led me to believe that what we had was serious.

But then all of a sudden he got cold on me for no reason and eventually he dumped me saying that he was in love with someone else. He got into a relationship with this girl just one week later. I was devastated. I hadn't met someone in years where I had felt the bond that I had with him. I haven't spoken to him since. But two months on, all I do is think about him and look for answers as to why he chose this other girl over me. I feel as though it has knocked my confidence when it comes to dating. I think I put him on too much of a pedestal, cause he successfully convinced me that he really cared about me and that we were so compatible. I've gone on a few dates since, but never felt the same spark. I find it a little hard to trust guys now too. I went to a counsellor to talk about it which helped temporarily, but as much as I try I can't seem to let it go.

I feel really stupid for feeling this way. I know he's just one guy and I've tried telling myself so many times that not every guy is like this and that I need to accept that some things are just not meant to be. I don't want to wear the ear off my family and friends cause it really is old news and I should be moving on. But yesterday I saw him out in public with his girlfriend holding hands and it hit me bad. I decided to go out with my friends last night so as not to be sitting at home mulling over it. But then towards the end of the night one of my friends made a fairly harmless joke about me being single and I tried to fight it but then I broke down crying. My friends are all in relationships at the moment which sometimes gets me down, even though I am happy for them.

Has anyone ever here gone through something like this? At the moment I feel really silly over it and it could really help to hear any advice as to how to overcome it.

Thanks in advance x

batmanrobin · 15-11-2015 10:05pm

Hi OP, sorry to hear you're going through this. Not sure if I can offer much advice. I went through something similar myself. He almost became like a drug for me. Honestly, a reaction I had to him about something very minor made me realise that I needed to step back and look at why I had fixated on him so much. It took me a couple of months of really focusing on myself and really examining what made my tick to realise I fixated on him as I was very lonely. I thought I could find my happiness through him. Obviously that doesn't work.

Time has helped. Being completely honest about myself and my feelings has helped. I'm very close to being over him completely now and I never thought that would happen!

It does get better. It will take time but don't force it. When you find yourself thinking about him remind yourself that you're only hurting you and turn your mind to something else. It's hard at first but it gets easier.

Don't convince yourself that what you had with him was one in a million as you'll find it very hard to move on with that mentality.

Be kind to yourself. Get a journal if you don't want to talk to friends or family. In fact it might be better than talking to friends or family as you can really pour all of it out on those pages.

Do not compare yourself to her or wonder why he didn't pick you. You're not better or worse than her. You and him just weren't suited. He's left space for you to find someone you'll get on with even better than him.

magneticimpulse · 16-11-2015 12:27am

Comforting reading your post OP as I've recently gone through a similar situation. I too feel like I've bored my family and friends about the guy and should have well moved on. I too went on dates and stopped going because I felt really sad that I had no spark with them.

As the above poster says....it will take time...I might take the journal advice too

CaraMay · 16-11-2015 12:45am

I think you should stay single for a while until the feeling subsides. You are jumping back into dating too quickly.

missrosetaylor · 16-11-2015 3:12pm

Thanks very much for your response. I want to be a stronger person about this situation and look at it logically, but when his name crosses my mind I always feel an array of negative emotions that seems hard to control. I hope that in time this will stop. Will try doing a journal, thanks again.

missrosetaylor · 16-11-2015 3:14pm

Thanks. It's good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me.

missrosetaylor · 16-11-2015 3:18pm

I'm not sure what is the right thing to do as regards dating new people to be honest.

Fitz* · 16-11-2015 4:55pm

It's like reading a mirror for me above.

5 weeks ago, I broke up with my girlfriend who cheated on me. She says it was just the once but did not want to get back with me at all. Like you OP, I was devastated as she had said all the right things, were so compatible and had talked about about having a serious future etc. I had her on the pedestal too, well to be honest she still is kind of there, but slowly slipping as my friends try to convince me she is not worth it.

I too have tried talking to other girls etc also, but find it hard to get a real connection and in my head I am comparing girls to my ex. Everything I enjoy doing, I would have done with her so it is hard not to have constant reminders. Luckily I have not seen her with someone else yet (apart from catching her cheating & subsequently meeting said person out a few times).

I would agree with the above posters to write stuff down. That's what I do now, because I do feel like a burden on my friends, even though they are always willing to listen & put up with me! At the beginning I was told that time does heal, and I didn't believe it at the time but I am slowly coming round to believing it. The bit about moving on and actually getting a connection with other people I am nowhere near seeing so far.

missrosetaylor · 16-11-2015 8:44pm

FitzShane wrote: »

It's like reading a mirror for me above.

5 weeks ago, I broke up with my girlfriend who cheated on me. She says it was just the once but did not want to get back with me at all. Like you OP, I was devastated as she had said all the right things, were so compatible and had talked about about having a serious future etc. I had her on the pedestal too, well to be honest she still is kind of there, but slowly slipping as my friends try to convince me she is not worth it.

I too have tried talking to other girls etc also, but find it hard to get a real connection and in my head I am comparing girls to my ex. Everything I enjoy doing, I would have done with her so it is hard not to have constant reminders. Luckily I have not seen her with someone else yet (apart from catching her cheating & subsequently meeting said person out a few times).

I would agree with the above posters to write stuff down. That's what I do now, because I do feel like a burden on my friends, even though they are always willing to listen & put up with me! At the beginning I was told that time does heal, and I didn't believe it at the time but I am slowly coming round to believing it. The bit about moving on and actually getting a connection with other people I am nowhere near seeing so far.

Thanks a million for sharing that with me FitzShane. That sounds like quite a hurtful situation too. In a lot of ways we are on the same boat, and it actually means a lot to hear other people's experiences. Cause when you're going through it it can feel very isolating. I guess I will just try my best to keep my head held high for now. Neither of us did anything bad or wrong, so it's really crappy when you feel that it was undeserved. But I guess we can't control the actions of others. People can be reckless sometimes... I really hope it gets better for you, and thanks again.

LegacyUser · 17-11-2015 9:37pm

Hi op

I know exactly what you're going through. Literally that situation happened me word for word. It took me so long to get over him and I was only with him 3 months. I had been in very long term relationships before but he hit me bad.

I dated straight away and then decided to take a break, focus on me, and it was the best thing I ever did. I joined a new gym, dove into my career (got promoted! ) and just did lovely things for myself. You need to focus on yourself.

I realised that he wasnt the person for me when he came back, true love - you should not be messed around. In a years time you'll look back and thank him because him ending it will be the best thing to happen to you

Xx

LegacyUser · 19-11-2015 12:40am

OP just want to add on further from what I said yesterday. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of feeling so low after a short term relationship. You build up feelings and it hurts. I said to my friends (who were sick of hearing about it too! ) but I think its worse because the intensity of a short term good relationship.

Usually this does develop into something more but unfortunately it doesn't happen at times. You have to remember this is not your issue, but his. My guy broke my heart into a billion pieces but its probably the insensitivity of the whole situation, with long term you kinda expect it coming whether you or the other does it.

Just let yourself grieve, let yourself do all that but in time you will move on. I still think about him and I was engaged before him. What a very good friend said to me, he'd been through something similar, was that it wasn't him I missed, it was the companionship, the relationship and when you're ready and wgen the time us right you'll find it. You sound like a really nice, decent person.

missrosetaylor · 23-11-2015 11:50am

Beentheretoo wrote: »

OP just want to add on further from what I said yesterday. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of feeling so low after a short term relationship. You build up feelings and it hurts. I said to my friends (who were sick of hearing about it too! ) but I think its worse because the intensity of a short term good relationship.

Usually this does develop into something more but unfortunately it doesn't happen at times. You have to remember this is not your issue, but his. My guy broke my heart into a billion pieces but its probably the insensitivity of the whole situation, with long term you kinda expect it coming whether you or the other does it.

Just let yourself grieve, let yourself do all that but in time you will move on. I still think about him and I was engaged before him. What a very good friend said to me, he'd been through something similar, was that it wasn't him I missed, it was the companionship, the relationship and when you're ready and wgen the time us right you'll find it. You sound like a really nice, decent person.

Thanks so much, Beenthereto. Sorry for the late response, due to a problem with my email I didn't see your message till now. It's really nice to know there are people who identify with this. And you described it perfectly when you talked about how a short term intense relationship can at times leave a long lasting impact. That was what I think I have struggled with the most. And a lack of closure maybe. He dumped me 3 weeks before my masters thesis deadline too which sent my stress levels sky high and I will never forget how anxious I was. But I got my results this week and they were quite good so getting that news has helped me a lot with my morale. I can see what you're saying about focusing on myself first and hopefully things will fall into place. Thanks for sharing your experience, it has made me feel a lot better. Hugs x

Ohmydays83 · 23-11-2015 3:47pm

Hi OP, time will be a great healer.

Keep positive and busy.

Take care of yourself.

PressRun · 23-11-2015 11:35pm

Not to just repeat what everyone has already said and while it may not seem like it right now, but time really does help these things. In the aftermath of an intense relationship, it can be hard to stop thinking about the person, to stop thinking about what went wrong or why they chose someone else over you. Situations like this are definitely one of the more painful aspects of life. I wouldn't push yourself to 'get over it' or try to force yourself to get back out to meet new people though. My advice would be to allow yourself to feel sad about it, to grieve in a sense, but also surround yourself with friends too. Spend time with people you care about, go for drinks, throw yourself into work, maybe even go for a trip away or something. Whatever you do, I think it's important to spend time on yourself. You don't need to force yourself to immediately get over something straight away because you feel "silly". You're not silly for having had feelings for someone only to be disappointed. It happens to everyone. The feelings will fade eventually.

LegacyUser · 24-11-2015 8:07am

Me too OP!

It's actually pretty sad to see how many people have gone through this and how many guys (and girls I'm sure) do this!

So, same thing, met a guy, he pursued me like a mad man, very flattering, wanted to see me all the time, I felt like I'd met someone really significant... I know he was only a year out of a 12 year relationship but it felt right and like he was ready to move on.

He started cancelling dates, became distant and then said he'd only be stringing me along if we went further as he was still in love with his ex. Never one to accept defeat I told him how unfair and cruel he had been to which he replied "I can't understand how someone I barely know can have developed such strong feelings for me". Although that was a knife in the gut it was like a light switch in that I just never wanted to see him
again.

We've chatted since and he's on tinder preying on girls to fill the void whilst he tries to get back with his exe.

I think there are A LOT of guys who love the chase and the first excitement of a new person or relationship. They thrive on it, it's a confidence booster and exciting. Then when the girl is won over they don't like it so much.

OP I wouldn't be surprised if your guy repeats the same pattern with this new girl. Just remember this is about him and not you.

Fitz* · 24-11-2015 5:22pm

FitzShane wrote: »

I was told that time does heal, and I didn't believe it at the time but I am slowly coming round to believing it. The bit about moving on and actually getting a connection with other people I am nowhere near seeing so far.

Well this bit certainly didn't work out!

Was out on a date last week that actually went very well, but the next day I felt bad as I could only think of one person! And it wasn't the other girl I went on a date with, so felt because it wasn't fair on her.

Had like my first proper weekend since the initial break up where I could feel relaxed, but then got quiet drunk & ended up drunken texting my ex, and she arranged to meet up yesterday.

She was actually kind of nice to me which was very different to how she acted lately, and I said how I was feeling etc. We were getting on well and just kind of chatting normally, but then I kind of blurted out how I wanted to try get back with her and thought we would always be together, eventually. She turned me down straight away and told me she is back with her, which defo was a kick in the teeth. But in a way I guess it could be good in the long run as I will just have to accept I am not getting back with her, even though I shouldn't want to anyways after the way she acted, and maybe this will try help me move on.

Thing is, I want to move on fast but that can't really be possible can it.

missrosetaylor · 24-11-2015 7:28pm

PressRun wrote: »

Not to just repeat what everyone has already said and while it may not seem like it right now, but time really does help these things. In the aftermath of an intense relationship, it can be hard to stop thinking about the person, to stop thinking about what went wrong or why they chose someone else over you. Situations like this are definitely one of the more painful aspects of life. I wouldn't push yourself to 'get over it' or try to force yourself to get back out to meet new people though. My advice would be to allow yourself to feel sad about it, to grieve in a sense, but also surround yourself with friends too. Spend time with people you care about, go for drinks, throw yourself into work, maybe even go for a trip away or something. Whatever you do, I think it's important to spend time on yourself. You don't need to force yourself to immediately get over something straight away because you feel "silly". You're not silly for having had feelings for someone only to be disappointed. It happens to everyone. The feelings will fade eventually.

Thanks PressRun, I really am starting to see that focusing on myself is what's most important. It's not as simple as the saying goes 'sink or swim' - I think we all have moments and times in life where we can feel buried in our emotions but time allows us to gain greater perspective and come out on the better side. Writing on here has certainly helped me come to that realisation. Thanks again for your response

missrosetaylor · 24-11-2015 8:46pm

Andmetoo wrote: »

Me too OP!

It's actually pretty sad to see how many people have gone through this and how many guys (and girls I'm sure) do this!

So, same thing, met a guy, he pursued me like a mad man, very flattering, wanted to see me all the time, I felt like I'd met someone really significant... I know he was only a year out of a 12 year relationship but it felt right and like he was ready to move on.

He started cancelling dates, became distant and then said he'd only be stringing me along if we went further as he was still in love with his ex. Never one to accept defeat I told him how unfair and cruel he had been to which he replied "I can't understand how someone I barely know can have developed such strong feelings for me". Although that was a knife in the gut it was like a light switch in that I just never wanted to see him
again.

We've chatted since and he's on tinder preying on girls to fill the void whilst he tries to get back with his exe.

I think there are A LOT of guys who love the chase and the first excitement of a new person or relationship. They thrive on it, it's a confidence booster and exciting. Then when the girl is won over they don't like it so much.

OP I wouldn't be surprised if your guy repeats the same pattern with this new girl. Just remember this is about him and not you.

Very sorry to hear that this happened to you too. When it happened to me it felt all so crazy and unusual, to go from being told that I was so important to him to all of a sudden being told 'oh by the way, I'm in love with someone else. bye bye'. I guess I'd never been played like that before. You're definitely right about certain people who just like a bit of a chase and don't seem to give a damn about the repercussions of their actions or how much they toy with other people's emotions.

When I spoke to my friends about him at the time they had cautioned me that his behaviour was all a bit over the top for someone I'd only been seeing for a little while. He was very full on. I knew deep down that they were probably right but I chose to ignore it. I'm usually pretty level headed about these things, but this time I wasn't. I see now that it's just a common mistake a lot of people make. Getting too caught up in the heat of the moment and putting trust in people a little too soon. But I guess we live and learn.

Thanks for your response

How to put the past behind

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