Fantasy

stustu · 25-11-2015 9:53pm #1

Hi all,

I am a man, just turned 40 and my partner of 6 years is 43. She is a great looking woman etc and very sexual.
For the past few years, I have been having a fantasy of watching her having sex with another guy. I even think of it when we have sex and we talk about in bed.
When we are out, it turns me on if she gets attention form other guys or if I notice them checking her out.
It is really about me watcing her get off by another guy and him making her orgasm.
She has said she would do it for me if thats what I want. She said the idea turns her on too and I notice it does when we have sex.
The question is, has anyone here ever gone through with it and how did it effect their relationship? Was there any issues after? Jealousy?
Am I messed up for wanting this?

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

Alf Veedersane · 25-11-2015 10:28pm

Can't say I have aby experience but I do think the fantasy and reality would be poles apart. In fantasy land, it happens in a vacuum and at the end of the liaison, that's it. Wouldn't be that straightforward in reality and the fallout might not be what you had anticipated.

power pants · 25-11-2015 11:13pm

she might seem to enjoy it better with the the other guy than you. How might this make you feel?

Think some things are best kept as fantasies tbh

stustu · 25-11-2015 11:31pm

power pants wrote: »

she might seem to enjoy it better with the the other guy than you. How might this make you feel?

Think some things are best kept as fantasies tbh

She said it would be the situation, not the person that would turn her on

power pants · 25-11-2015 11:35pm

my point was, she may think this or that but until it happens nobody knows what each person is going to feel and get out of the experience.

Alf Veedersane · 25-11-2015 11:37pm

stustu wrote: »

She said it would be the situation, not the person that would turn her on

That's fine, in theory. Maybe you would be ok with watching some guy have sex with your wife in front of you. Maybe you wouldn't but once you've crossed the Rubicon then that's that.

But say it works out well...does it happen again? And again?

Sometimes it's better to keep the fantasy as just that.

stustu · 25-11-2015 11:40pm

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

That's fine, in theory. Maybe you would be ok with watching some guy have sex with your wife in front of you. Maybe you wouldn't but once you've crossed the Rubicon then that's that.

But say it works out well...does it happen again? And again?

Sometimes it's better to keep the fantasy as just that.

Yes that could be an issue, when does it stop?

Alf Veedersane · 25-11-2015 11:45pm

Diff'rent strokes for different strokes and all that but as I see it, there is too much to lose from making it a reality.

The fantasy works for both of you as it is. Why play roulette?

stustu · 26-11-2015 12:30am

I think one of the main reasons its exciting for me is the danger element and the risk.
My partner has had a lot more sexual encounters than me too, the number she has been with would be close to 40 men while I have only been with 6 women in my life and listening to her stories of sexual encounters has made me turned on.
While she is true to me emotionally and I trust her 100% I like the idea of her having sex with no emotional attachment like she has in her past before me. I like the slut element.

Skoop · 26-11-2015 12:44am

If the main things are the risk and danger element and 'the slut element' are there not quite a few things you could do that wouldn't have to involve anyone else and still allow you both to indulge in that?

Dragging her into the men's toilets in a fancy restaurant and going to town, or a role play kind of situation where you 'meet' when other out separate in a pub or whatever and act out a casual sex type scenario down an alley, or things along those lines?

Augme · 26-11-2015 1:39am

If you think you can handle the jealousy part then go for it.

bilbot79 · 26-11-2015 1:46am

You should try it maybe. Visiting acquaintance from abroad or someone detached but known

Hemerodrome · 26-11-2015 9:01am

The vast majority of people here won't have any experience of this so I doubt we'll have helpful insight to share. It's not necessarily relevant anyway, everyone defines their own relationship. Personally I'd be totally turned off by the thoughts of my partner with another man and horrified by the idea of watching it happen. The dynamic you already have would be bad enough for me. But that's me, not you, and you will have to decide for yourself if the risks are worth the benefits. Some manage it just fine, others destroy their relationship by taking a step too far. Nobody can predict which group you're in.

26-11-2015 9:04am

I'm sorry but I think you have issues.
Why you would want a stranger to have sex with the person you love, is beyond my comprehension.

Don't mean to offend but I do think people who fantasise about watching their partners have sex with someone else, need counselling.

Ave Sodalis · 26-11-2015 9:16am

Bam Bam Mickey wrote:

I'm sorry but I think you have issues. Why you would want a stranger to have sex with the person you love, is beyond my comprehension.

It's a bit unfair to assume that because you personally don't understand it, the OP automatically has issues and needs professional help. I don't fully understand most fantasies as I've never experiences that want but it doesn't mean I think those that do have something wrong with them.

OP, only you know for yourself whether this can be done. Most people will be coming from a monogamy prospective and will base their replies on that but we don't know you well enough to be able to say for sure that this is something you can do. I'm sure there are others that have done this, but even if they came here to say "yeah, it was great!", it doesn't mean that it's something you can do. I think if you're going to go ahead with this, you need to put more thought into it than you have. As someone else pointed out, just because it's a fantasy, doesn't mean you'll enjoy the reality. It doesn't mean you won't either though, only you can answer that. How about you start slow and see how you feel about her kissing a man before you go on?

discus · 26-11-2015 10:26am

Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »

I'm sorry but I think you have issues.
Why you would want a stranger to have sex with the person you love, is beyond my comprehension.

Don't mean to offend but I do think people who fantasise about watching their partners have sex with someone else, need counselling.

Tons of people do it, seems pretty standard over here in the UK anyway. I've come across it in the workplace, running clubs or even just chatting to strangers. I have a mate who has a profile on a website (won't name it, somethingswingers or whatever) and he's constantly being approached to do this very thing. I had a good mate who was trying to revive his relationship and was asking around the workplace for anyone who was interested. It's fairly de riguer for the english heterosexual relationships, apparently

And on the other hand I knew a girl who said that once she was a year or two into relationships, she'd give the man free reign to do what he wants with other women.

Not my cup of tea though, but I don't judge what others do to make a relationship work.

tcif · 26-11-2015 11:52am

stustu wrote: »

It is really about me watcing her get off by another guy and him making her orgasm.

What about watching that other guy have his orgasm while getting off with your wife? Are you ok with that? In fantasies people behave, and situations unfold, exactly as you want them to and you're in complete control. That's not reality, though, and have you considered how far from your ideal fantasy this reality could stray and are you both ready for that?

LegacyUser · 26-11-2015 12:26pm

Hi OP,

I'm someone who has experienced this so I'll give you my point of view

My boyfriend has the same fantasy as you and when he expressed it to me, I wasn't so sure but the more we talked about it, the more it excited me. We decided to go ahead with it and have now done it on more than one occasion. As well as him watching me with other men, he has also joined in (although him and the other man don't get sexual with each other!)

My experience of this is extremely positive. Our sex life was already good, but is now fantastic. Talking about the experiences we've already had, as well as future ones we plan to have, turns us on a lot. Don't get me wrong, it's not the focal point of our sex life. We still have great sex without a mention of anyone else being involved, but it has opened our eyes to new experiences and made us more tuned in to each other.

I've always had a curiosity about threesomes/swinging, but I've never been in a relationship before with someone who would seriously consider it. The main reasons it works with us are:

* Security - my bf is 100% secure in himself. He doesn't care if the other guy is bigger/better looking/in better shape than himself. He doesn't care if it seems like I'm more responsive to the other guy. In fact that turns him on even more.
* Communication - we have great communication and can talk about these hook-ups/fantasies both in a sexual way, and candidly. We discuss boundaries, expectations, etc.
* Emotions - we are both able to separate sex from emotions.
* Humour - we don't take it too seriously. The first time we did it, I was concerned the next day that things might be a bit weird. But we woke up and started joking about it straight away. It's an ongoing private joke between us, which brings us even closer.

If you both feel that it is something you can handle and get enjoyment from, then I can highly recommend it. Be safe and have fun

kylith · 26-11-2015 12:32pm

If the two of you want to try it then go ahead, but think seriously about how this could effect your relationship. What if he's bigger than you? What if you think she's enjoying it more with him than with you? What if she wants to do it again, and again? Would you worry about them starting an affair?

Fantasies are one thing. Actually seeing another man having sex with someone you love is totally different.

blue note · 26-11-2015 1:04pm

I think it sounds fun to be honest. I wouldn't do it with my current girlfriend for the same reasons add others here, but I can see the attraction. I'd you're both into it I'd say go for it. but whatever you do don't feel that you're doing anything wrong, or weird or anything like that. If you do it don't feel guilty about enjoying it.

Thinking about it it sounds pretty hot to be honest.

LegacyUser · 26-11-2015 1:14pm

Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »

I'm sorry but I think you have issues.
Why you would want a stranger to have sex with the person you love, is beyond my comprehension.

Don't mean to offend but I do think people who fantasise about watching their partners have sex with someone else, need counselling.

There are plenty of couples who are able to seperate sex from love and have open relationships. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with their relationship or that they have issues. People could just as easyily say those who are unwilling to expand beyond what is viewed as a standard relationship are repressed and thus have issues. There is nothing wrong with what the OP describes, I've been in relationships with similar fantasies and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, it really is down to each person.

Everyone and every relationship is different. The OP and his partner are able to talk with each other about their sex life with each other which is always a good sign in a relationship.

OP this is most likely not the best site to be asking this question. There are plenty of forums that are better suited. My advise would be to research online, you may have to dig through a bunch of bulls!t forums to find ones with geniune people. Asks questions, be open minded and only proceed beyond internet messages when you both feel 100% comfortable.

I would suggest checking O Joy Sex Toy out....it's a webcomic but by a real married couple and it does cover some group sex and partnet sharing websites.

Alf Veedersane · 26-11-2015 4:29pm

Arlo Apatosaurus wrote: »

Why should it be a problem if she enjoys sex more with someone else, he hardly thinks he's the best lover on planet earth.

Most people don't think they are. But the ego is a complicated animal. It's not implausible that seeing someone else pleasure your partner more than you would be a hit to the ego. Could potentially have you ask more questions about it. They might be unwarranted questions but that's beside the point.

Not everyone thinks they're the best lover on the planet but not everyone would be able to easily shrug off someone else doing more for your partner than you.

No one knows how the OP would react but worth him asking himself the question.

26-11-2015 8:48pm

can't log in wrote: »

There are plenty of couples who are able to seperate sex from love and have open relationships. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with their relationship or that they have issues. People could just as easyily say those who are unwilling to expand beyond what is viewed as a standard relationship are repressed and thus have issues. There is nothing wrong with what the OP describes, I've been in relationships with similar fantasies and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, it really is down to each person.

Everyone and every relationship is different. The OP and his partner are able to talk with each other about their sex life with each other which is always a good sign in a relationship.

OP this is most likely not the best site to be asking this question. There are plenty of forums that are better suited. My advise would be to research online, you may have to dig through a bunch of bulls!t forums to find ones with geniune people. Asks questions, be open minded and only proceed beyond internet messages when you both feel 100% comfortable.

I would suggest checking O Joy Sex Toy out....it's a webcomic but by a real married couple and it does cover some group sex and partnet sharing websites.

Thanks anonymous poster!

I've heard it all now!
Repressed if you don't fancy watching some guy bang your burd! Oh the lulz

Mr. Incognito · 27-11-2015 1:37am

I have tried this with a previous long term gf. We were doing the long distance open relationship thing and when she came to live with me in Dublin we tried some swinging clubs and ended up having a couple swap.

We had discussed it in advance and boundaries etc but it is still bizarre to have someone you love with someone else and watch it.

I discovered I didn't like it, which surprised me a lot to be honest and put the dampners on it. She was more into it than I and the relationship ended soon after for other reasons.

It will work if you both are on the same page, but it might not work out for both of you the same way.

I learnt what I didnt want from a relationship and am in a committed monogomous relationship now.

It might be different to spice up a marriage but unless you are 100 % sure you can deal with the consequences i would not recommend it.

Taltos · 27-11-2015 7:08am

Mod Note
Bam Bam Mickey, please have a read of our charter before posting again. As a new poster here you need to know that we treat all rule breaches quite severly.
Basically if you don't have constructive advice, and you can't post in a civil manner then you are asked not to post, otherwise you risk mod intervention.

Your two posts above fall outside of those standards.

Thanks
Taltos

fungun · 30-11-2015 10:25am

I did this in a past relationship.

My thoughts:
It made the good times really really good; lots of highs
It made the average times more exciting
It made the crap times worse.

The crap times might only be 5% of the time, but be prepared that they might get worse....those are the times when you might miss things like being exclusive.

Fantasy

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