Animal Fight!

My brother, appetite wetted by the promise of a katana in GTA vice city, envisaged the fun that might be had if a zoo was included in the city. This is his impromtu guide to the art of animal fighting. Enjoy.

Chapter 1 - man with katana vs. large mammal

Man vs beast - Special Tactics v1.0

1) Medium-sized simians; chimps, baboons etc.
With truly massive upper-body strength, high agility & imposing canines, these blighters would be more than a match for any man - sans katana. The chief advantage to be
exploited here is reach. A good-sized katana blade probably measures between 3 & 4 feet. Keep you eye on the beast, and the sword in between you and them. Bear in mind that
on all fours these animals are only a few feet high, so take care that they don’t get in underneath your kill zone. This may also necessitate the use of sweeping attacks rather than
the classic overhead swing. One of these and they’re going down. Extra credit for a decapitation.

2) Large Simians; gorillas, orang-utans.
These guys could rip a mini-metro to pieces in minutes. You’re only going to get one chance, so make it count. Now, despite having arms that could pull the heads off cattle,
they’re probably going to try to get in close and bite / crush you to death. Can a single downward strike dispatch a gorilla? Well, the conclusion of Apocalypse Now sees a cow
next to decapitated with a single swing from a machete, so that’s a yes then; Hurrah! Stand and wait with your sword posed for this attack. The beast will charge, and its a question
of timing. Step aside after striking, as the animals huge momentum will carry its carcass forwards before it finally slumps lifelessly into the dust

3) Large bears I; grizzlies etc.
Not natural man-eaters, grizzlies employ intimidation by rearing up on their hind legs. Idiots! They wont attack from this stance if you keep some distance, as their lower-animal
wide pelvises are no good for walking. When they drop down onto all fours it’ll be a mo before they’re ripping you to shreds. So hop in and neck-chop the bastard.

4) Large bears II; polar.
Natural man-eaters, with no intention of scaring you, just eating you to death before chewing the marrow from your bones. For my money, you should just run at the beast
screaming before getting postal on its ass. If you want to play dead before slashing its windpipe the pelt is worth a fortune.

5) Big cats; tigers, lions etc.
Although reasonably smart for something with no thumbs, big cats drop into instinctual auto pilot when charging. If you interrupt this charge by suddenly shouting and waving
your arms their higher brain tries to kick back in and they become confused. Now the real trick lies in timing this so they stop charging before pouncing but are not too far away
for you to run in with powerful downward strokes.

6) Dangerous Ruminants I; Hippos
Big, fast, aggressive and territorial, as well as the source of a yearly human death toll well into 2 figures. The good news it that if there’s some natural sturdy cover, such as a tree,
their bulk is really going to count against them. Stay on the other side of the trunk and turn the whole thing into a Pamplona style war of attrition blood-fest. If you’re out in the
open you could always wait for the swine to open its huge maw, and then thrust through the soft palette & into the cranium.

7) Dangerous Ruminants II; Rhinos
Part one of hippo tactics applies. If charged in the open, side step at the last moment & down-swipe the neck. Really hard.

8) Dangerous Ruminants III; Elephants (African & Asian)
Well, for one you can’t reach any vital organs. An elephant wont kill you by goring or trampling, but by pinning you under its head & then doing a sort of head-stand. Bizarre,
but 100% true. So if you can manage to make it rest on your upright katana (braced against the ground) you might be in luck, but will probably get crushed to death anyway.
Another thing is elephants’ tendency to go ‘on must’, whereby they randomly fly into some sort of blood-rage kill-frenzy, so you’ll want to keep an eye on that, too. Elephants
are, however, remarkably thin skinned (not literally, silly), with a low pain-threshold, as Hannibal found out to his expense. So you could just hit them once & them run off in the
ensuing chaos, but that’s hardly a resounding victory. I’d say your only hope lies in leaping from a tree and slashing the neck extremely hard. Just think of how cool it’ll look
when stuffed & mounted.

Well, I hope that this brief guide has been of some use, I like to think that despite being a council worker I can be of some merit to society. One day there will a computer game
called Omnifight, in which you get to fight quite literally anything, with anything, and I will be able to divert my katana funds to more humane ends. Until then, happy hunting!