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Am i being a dick?

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  • 31-01-2008 12:22pm
    #1
    Endurance Man
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,240 ✭✭✭


    My cousin has recently (yesterday) come over to stay with my sister and I. My best friend happens to be staying with us to at the moment. We all went out for drinks last nite, got very drunk and then arrived back home. I could see from the get go that he was fishing to hook up with her.
    I expressed privately to him that i was not happy about it, he went ahead anyway.
    I can't put my finger on why i am upset, but i woke up this morning and have been feeling **** all day. I think part of it is i know who he is, and how he tends to treat girls.
    Should i be protecting my little cousin? I feel like im gonna throw up over this, i need to resolve it in my head.


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    #2
    steo123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 144 ✭✭steo123


    i think you should let her know about how he treats women privately.
    this guy sounds like a bit of a $%^& if you ask me


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    #3
    biko
    Registered Users Posts: 81,223 ✭✭✭✭biko


    Your male best friend hooked up with your cousin? How old is she?
    Maybe he should have stayed away on your request but, tbh, when drink is involved and there are two consenting adults I don't see the harm.


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    #4
    MikeHoncho
    Registered Users Posts: 1,747 ✭✭✭MikeHoncho


    No your not being a dick. You asked him not too and he did anyway. That shows a total lack of respect to you. While you dont have claim over your cousin and cant really stop anything happening a good friend should respect your wishes in a situation like this.


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    #5
    Duckjob
    Registered Users Posts: 2,857 ✭✭✭Duckjob


    I think it's to your credit that you're looking out for her and I don't think you would be out of line having a quiet word to let her know that you don't think he's a serious relationship kind of guy.

    Beyond that though, don't get involved. Maybe she's just looking for a bit of fun too. Assuming she's over eighteen she's an adult and capable of making her own decisions and her own mistakes. You can't live other peoples lives for them.


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    #6
    evry1sm8
    Closed Accounts Posts: 284 ✭✭evry1sm8


    I was going to ask the same thing, what age is she?


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    #7
    PeakOutput
    Registered Users Posts: 7,639 ✭✭✭PeakOutput


    tell her hw u think he treats women then after that its none of your business


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    #8
    Cuddlesworth
    Registered Users Posts: 13,981 ✭✭✭✭Cuddlesworth


    Tell her what he is like, and give details. Don't lie, just tell the truth.

    Let her make a informed decision. If he has a problem with that, you can say that you told him to stay away because he's an ass to women and all you did was tell the truth to her. If he wasn't a dick he would have stood a chance.


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    #9
    NeMiSiS
    Registered Users Posts: 1,306 ✭✭✭NeMiSiS


    Are they both not grown ups, who can deal with the consequences of their own actions ?

    TK


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    #10
    6th
    Registered Users Posts: 17,247 ✭✭✭✭6th


    He's your mate, staying in your house and you asked him not to do it ....... you're not the dick in this situation.

    That said he didnt force her and she made the decision to be with him.


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    #11
    Endurance Man
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,240 ✭✭✭Endurance Man


    She is 19, he is 21. She was very drunk and i felt like he was maybe taking advantage of her.
    Iv always known he is a pretty selfish person and usually thinks with his penis. I just thought our friendship would be a strong enough force for him to respect how i felt.
    She is also my little cousin and I want to look out for her, this is killing me :(.


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    #12
    Overheal
    Registered Users Posts: 81,857 ✭✭✭✭Overheal


    While we'd all love to be able to protect our loved ones from harm, sometimes you have to let them make their own mistakes. Else how will they ever learn?

    Try to let it go. Even with your resistance if they wanted to get together, trust me, they more than likely would. In which case the only thing you would be doing is distancing yourself from your cousin and your best friend.


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    #13
    Endurance Man
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,240 ✭✭✭Endurance Man


    I feel like i can't face either of them, I don't know why though.


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    #14
    PeakOutput
    Registered Users Posts: 7,639 ✭✭✭PeakOutput


    Endurance Man wrote: »
    I just thought our friendship would be a strong enough force for him to respect how i felt.

    well you see i take issue with that because i dont expect my friends to tell me how to live or to try and guilt trip me into how to live. shes an adult hes an adult leaving aside the fact that she was drunk he has not done anything wrong. your well within your rights to warn your cousin but anything after that as regards not being mates anymore etc is complete overkill on your side.

    im not saying i wouldnt be feeling the same im just saying i would realise i have no right to be feeling that way


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    #15
    Lux23
    Registered Users Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭Lux23


    steo123 wrote: »
    i think you should let her know about how he treats women privately.
    this guy sounds like a bit of a $%^& if you ask me

    How do you work that out? Sounds like a typical bloke to me. OP if she likes him let her make her own mistakes, its really got nothing to do with you.


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    #16
    Endurance Man
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,240 ✭✭✭Endurance Man


    She is like a sister to me, maybe i don't want to see her lowering herself to one night stands with guys she just met. It's not the person i know. I felt like she was making a bad decision and i hoped my friend would help me help her.
    I think a talk with her might be the best thing, i need to move past this, i have to many others stresses at the moment. I really feel sick about it, im wondering whether i would have felt better if it was a perfect stranger. Probably not.


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    #17
    Duckjob
    Registered Users Posts: 2,857 ✭✭✭Duckjob


    just curious, whats the real personal issue here?

    Protecting your cousin? Or your best mate breaking the 'mates code' ?

    Remember also, she consented (albeit drunkenly) to his advances. This is a normal enough occurence in an single adults social life.

    Does the thought that your "little cousin" has a sex-life bother you? I think you need to take a step back from this and get out with your own life.


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    #18
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    EM
    She's 19, she will consider herself grown up and not requiring your help. Approach her by telling her that you just want to give her the heads up. That this guy is your mate, but when it comes to how he treats women, you're not impressed. After that, it's her decision what she does next, she is an adult after all and will have to make her own way in life and learn from her own mistakes.
    As for your mate, well, a mate that comes over and sleeps under your roof and does not respect your request, is he really a mate?


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    #19
    Lux23
    Registered Users Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭Lux23


    Endurance Man wrote: »
    She is like a sister to me, maybe i don't want to see her lowering herself to one night stands with guys she just met. It's not the person i know. I felt like she was making a bad decision and i hoped my friend would help me help her.
    I think a talk with her might be the best thing, i need to move past this, i have to many others stresses at the moment. I really feel sick about it, im wondering whether i would have felt better if it was a perfect stranger. Probably not.

    Lowering herself? If she wants a f**k she is hardly lowering herself and if she thinks she will end up with more from this guy well she has to learn some day that people use you for sex among other things. Its all part of growing up.


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    #20
    AngryBadger
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,251 ✭✭✭AngryBadger


    The problem here is two-fold.

    1) You want to protect your younger cousin. Fine, all very noble, but ultimately a bit misguided. You can't protect her 100 % of the time from 100 % of people, and she's an adult. She's no longer subject/entitled to any kind of familial authority/protection beyond the fact that most of us like to look out for our families and loved ones. The best you can really do is try to look out for her, but do yourself a favour and accept aht she's an adult and you're not in a position to safeguard her every move.

    2) I think this is the bigger issue here. While you're annoyed by the fact that your mate hooked up with your cousin, I think you're more annoyed that he did so despite your expressed opposition to this. In short he disrespected you. You made it clear you didn't want him hooking up with yoru cousin, granted you really have no jurisdiction there, but as your best friend you figured he would respect your wishes which he did not. So in addition to hooking up with your cousin, he did it against your wishes even after you made them clear to him.

    Personally I'd lose respect for someone in this situation and my usualy policy there is that I just stop having anything to do with that person. I wouldn't even waste my breath explaining why because in my view people like this are not worth the effort.

    Just to be clear, I'm not condemning him for hookin up with your cousin, they're both adults and I don't agree with you about her being drunk and him taking advantage, she's a big girl and knows the risks.

    What I find untenable here is that you made your feelings clear, and he decided that getting his end away meant more to him than respecting the wishes of his best friend.


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    #21
    Sherifu
    Registered Users Posts: 17,727 ✭✭✭✭Sherifu


    You can't run her life for her, leave her to make her own decisions. Maybe a word to her about the mate if you feel you need to but that's about all.


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    #22
    tbh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,914 ✭✭✭✭tbh


    Beruthiel wrote: »
    EM
    She's 19, she will consider herself grown up and not requiring your help. Approach her by telling her that you just want to give her the heads up. That this guy is your mate, but when it comes to how he treats women, you're not impressed. After that, it's her decision what she does next, she is an adult after all and will have to make her own way in life and learn from her own mistakes.
    As for your mate, well, a mate that comes over and sleeps under your roof and does not respect your request, is he really a mate?

    Exactly. on everything. Exactly.


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    #23
    Endurance Man
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,240 ✭✭✭Endurance Man


    Thanks for the thoughts, helped to get things off my chest. Still not sure how i will go from here, might take some time to compute it all.


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    #24
    Riesen_Meal
    Registered Users Posts: 10,575 ✭✭✭✭Riesen_Meal


    Endurance Man wrote: »
    Thanks for the thoughts, helped to get things off my chest. Still not sure how i will go from here, might take some time to compute it all.


    Id really not worry bout it man,

    She's capable of making her own decisions, its none of your business no matter how close you guys are, id say stay out of things if I were you, she's a big girl now.....

    Even if your mates a sleazy bastid with the ladies, its up to your cousin to make her own mistakes...


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    #25
    Jigsaw
    Registered Users Posts: 1,508 ✭✭✭Jigsaw


    Agreed with Beruthiel a few posts above. She is an adult after all but there is perhaps nothing wrong with telling her what you know but stating clearly that you're not going to stand in her way etc.

    As for mates disrespecting your views, I am inclined to take a fairly strict line with that. I recently had a disrespect issue with some friends and although it wasn't pleasant I did nip it in the bud and end the crap that was going on. It needs to be sorted out to your satisfaction or else a precedent has been set.


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    #26
    Esel
    Registered Users Posts: 22,035 ✭✭✭✭Esel


    If I was you I'd be glad he hasn't hit on your sister!

    Not your ornery onager



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    #27
    Fobia
    Registered Users Posts: 1,958 ✭✭✭Fobia


    Beruthiel wrote: »
    As for your mate, well, a mate that comes over and sleeps under your roof and does not respect your request, is he really a mate?

    This is ridiculous and I sincerely hope your very much undiplomatic comments are unheeded by OP and do not cause for him to lose his best friend.

    OP: It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life at the moment. Personally this sort of thing wouldn't bother me at all, it'd be solved by a punch on the arm and a jovial insult - but I don't know you nor your relationship with your best friend. However, might I suggest taking it easy until your life is quiet enough to think this situation through.


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    #28
    Xavi6
    Registered Users Posts: 40,861 ✭✭✭✭Xavi6


    Fobia wrote: »
    This is ridiculous and I sincerely hope your very much undiplomatic comments are unheeded by OP and do not cause for him to lose his best friend.

    OP: It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life at the moment. Personally this sort of thing wouldn't bother me at all, it'd be solved by a punch on the arm and a jovial insult - but I don't know you nor your relationship with your best friend. However, might I suggest taking it easy until your life is quiet enough to think this situation through.

    I don't really see what there is to think through though. Two consenting adults decided to hook up on a night out. Fair enough he didn't heed the advice of a friend but really I don't see the harm in them having a quick kiss or whatever.

    To be honest I'd much rather it was someone I knew coming back to the house than some total scummer she met out and insisted on taking back.

    It's fair enough to be protective of a younger cousin but there's a time when you have to let go a little bit. Will you be like this when you're 31 and she's 29?


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    #29
    Carrigart Exile
    Closed Accounts Posts: 994 ✭✭✭Carrigart Exile


    Duckjob wrote: »
    just curious, whats the real personal issue here?

    Protecting your cousin? Or your best mate breaking the 'mates code' ?

    Remember also, she consented (albeit drunkenly) to his advances. This is a normal enough occurence in an single adults social life.

    Does the thought that your "little cousin" has a sex-life bother you? I think you need to take a step back from this and get out with your own life.


    +1, yep I wonder if you have a fancy for your cousin OP?


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