Maybe little bit crazy?

LegacyUser · 31-01-2008 6:30am #1

Hi...first time caller, long time listener etc.

First of all, I just want to say I'm not in a bad state or thinking dark thoughts. I fell bad for those men and women who post to this board in a genuine state of distress, although I must admit I don't really post any help. I'm not too good at that sort of thing. So, I'm sorry If I take away the attention that somebody else in a far worse position demands. I just need to get this off my chest tonight because If I go to bed with this in my head again I'll go nuts.

It's just, I had this girlfriend right, back when I was in my early 20s. I liked her alot. But it was a hard relationship to keep going, because it was long-distance. Eventually the inevitable occured and we parted, I was very sad about that and angry. We didn't part on the best terms, and to be honest, I was a real asshole about the whole thing. Why do I still carry so much resentment towards somebody I was supposed to care about? Sometimes I think about her and I think very bitter thoughts. I don't want to think like this, I want to move on and be positive.

Often I would just like to talk to her. Just talk to her and see how she is doing, that's all. I have sent emails in the past, but after one reply that was pretty much it. I guess she thinks I want to try start something back up so she doesn't write back, and then I feel like she is still holding something against me and I feel further resentment. I wish we had ended on better terms so we could still be talking. But this is the reality and we don't. I have tried to banish her from my thoughts entirely and never talked about it with friends or family but that doesn't help. Can somebody who has had a similiar experience help me out here? I feel I can't talk to anyone close to me, I can't open up to them about this.

I just want to be happy for this person and move on, because this was 4 years ago and I still haven't dated anyone else...ffs I'm 23! =/

evry1sm8 · 31-01-2008 10:35am

Maybe you could send her an email and tell her all this stuff, how you feel you would like to know how she's doing, and say that you are sorry you may have been a bit of an a**hole when you split up. I always feel the best policy is definitely honesty. If she doesnt respond to your efforts than at least you can walk away knowing you did the best you could to try and put a positive note between you, and at least you'll know youve been honest with yourself. Being honest with youself and telling her how you feel may make you feel better about this whole thing even if you get no reply.

LegacyUser · 31-01-2008 6:22pm

Hi evry1sm8 thanks for your reply. I have tried to do that in the past, but I think this has gone wrong, but maybe I could try one more time and then, like you say, be done with it and atleast know I said this much. Thanks man/lady

I guess when it's hard to talk to people about this stuff, you feel your the only one going through it. But I guess other people across thousands of years have felt like this too.

biko · 31-01-2008 7:22pm

I may be wrong but it sounds as though you fixating on this ex? Having no other gfs after her may cause you to fixate on the one relationship you had.
I know it's not possible switching off from thinking about someone (I too sometimes think about past girlfriends and kinda wants to get in touch and catch up) but you really need to move on. It seems to me it's clear she is not interested in any further contact.

So stay away until you have had another relationship for a while/six months. She'll see then that you are happy with B and might be more open to see you for a chat/coffee.

Good luck

evry1sm8 · 01-02-2008 10:46am

Hi there, yeah i kinda went through this too.
I tried a few times to be pleasant to an ex bf a few months after we broke up but i never really got any proper replies.
I just sent a final mail one day saying that i was sorry if it made him uncomfortable to talk to me, that i had tried my best to be pleasant and he obviously wasnt interested in responding and i respected that, that i was sorry i handled our break up so badly (ie: being upset and crying a lot when we tried to be friends), and that i didnt think badly of him and wished him well for the future.
I felt so much better afterwards. I find that usually its yourself you have to forgive / let off the hook for your mistakes, whether the other person does or not wont matter once youve done all you can and let yourself off.

milkerman · 01-02-2008 10:59am

Whats past is in the past, move on. I dont think further contact with your ex will accomplish anything good.
Find yourself some fun, you are only 23 & should be having a whale of a time instead of moping over some gf you had years ago.
It is not always easy to get over heartbreak but your early 20's should be the best time of your life so don't waste it.

Overheal · 01-02-2008 11:02am

Why is it you've had no follow on relationship, 3/4 years later? Stuck up on the girl?

Four Years Have passed. Hindsight is now well and truly in effect. If she still doesn't want to talk to you: then she does not want to talk to you. Probably because she'd already figured out what I'm going to tell you: which is that you are probably better off without eachother. What do you hope to accomplish by continued contact? Its been explored many a time here that ex's can very seldom become friends. Try to learn that.

Wibbs · 01-02-2008 12:39pm

Overheal wrote: »

What do you hope to accomplish by continued contact?

Other than empty hope not a lot.

Its been explored many a time here that ex's can very seldom become friends.

Exactly. I think it's rare that exes can become true friends. It's possible, but 9 times outa 10 it's an unbalanced relationship where the one with more leverage(usually the dumper) can convince themselves it's a friendship, both to assuage guilt and keep the other person around for the attention and support.

Try to learn that.

Learn this too, lets imagine this ex came back into your life in a years time and found you still moping for her, she will see you as weak and needy and emotionally stunted. Major turnoffs, especially for a woman. If on the other hand in a years time, she found you with a great life and women coming and going in your life, which scenario would you look more attractive to anyone, never mind her?

Maybe little bit crazy?

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