relationships and confusion. where to go from here?

LegacyUser · 31-01-2008 1:52pm #1

I'm 22 and little relationship experience; girl 25, seems to be out of a long term thing... both of us in a high pressure academic environment and neither of us know where we'll be in six months (her situation more complicated since being Russian and has the visa issue).

Something had been building between us for a few months but given circumstances and the odd 'misunderstanding', nothing happened. We finally kissed for the first time two weeks ago... and met up, kissed, made out a few times since (but not much more). In fairness, a lot was initiated by her rather than me...

But there's now this terrible unease about how we should act around another. Don't know how to introduce her, she doesn't seem to know how to introduce me (sometimes I feel she avoids me to avoid that), barely know how to even greet each other; weird.

It's not helped by her being very difficult to talk to. I have a few very close female friends and I open up to people fairly easily, at least if I feel they are opening to me, but in this case I feel like I'm communicating with a wall... and that reflects in how I behave around her.

Finally got trying to talk about 'us' last night and after three hours, don't think we resolved anything - I did find out the her being out of a long term thing (but had suspected that).

Otherwise half understood something along the lines of she sees us together and counting the days since we met but but scared to hurt me because she doesn't think she can be the kind of gf deserve... which could be read genuinely, or the kind of thing you say to get rid of someone; I feel given it was more of the former.

She was waiting for me to say something about me seeing it as a long term, and of me seeing it surviving after what happens after we leave here. I believe that or I believe in my will to give it as good a shot as I can but the past two weeks of hot-cold game made me a lot less willing to say it.

End of the evening, left on passionate terms, with nothing answered.

--

I know a lot of this is cultural issues and expectations, her expecting me to be far more proactive, but me not really willing to made any gestures of grand romance until I actually feel there's something there or know her a bit better... and both affected by our respective backgrounds.

There's the side of me which realises you don't meet someone you really like everyday (so it's worth trying to make work, but the other that says it's just not going to work and our backgrounds (cultural and relationship wise) are too different and time to admit it?!

My own situation is made more complicated by finding out one of my closest friends has feelings for me, we communicate honestly and have a similar way of thinking (although she's not an Irish girl either actually). There had long been an expectation among mutual friends that we'd eventually get together (I suspected there was more there than friendship, but had long given up). I'm going to lose someone either way.

There's the thought that a close friendship is worth more than whatever I have with a girl who I don't communicate well with... but then I've spent years of trying to do the right thing, thinking with my head instead of my heart, waiting for something to happen, and it hasn't got me anywhere... has it.

Any suggestions before I start failing exams over this?

Weidii · 31-01-2008 4:30pm

Decide what you want and act on it.

Gyalist · 31-01-2008 4:45pm

confusedguy22 wrote: »

I'm 22 and little relationship experience; girl 25, seems to be out of a long term thing... both of us in a high pressure academic environment and neither of us know where we'll be in six months (her situation more complicated since being Russian and has the visa issue).

But there's now this terrible unease about how we should act around another. Don't know how to introduce her, she doesn't seem to know how to introduce me (sometimes I feel she avoids me to avoid that), barely know how to even greet each other; weird.

What's wrong with introducing her as your friend? She is surely showing unease because of your confusion. She is only reflecting back to you the signals that she is receiving. If you act hesitantly and with unease she will react similarly.

It's not helped by her being very difficult to talk to. I have a few very close female friends and I open up to people fairly easily, at least if I feel they are opening to me, but in this case I feel like I'm communicating with a wall... and that reflects in how I behave around her.

Seems like you've been reading too much Cosmo and watching Oprah & Dr. Phil. What's there to "open up" about?

Finally got trying to talk about 'us' last night and after three hours, don't think we resolved anything - I did find out the her being out of a long term thing (but had suspected that).

Otherwise half understood something along the lines of she sees us together and counting the days since we met but but scared to hurt me because she doesn't think she can be the kind of gf deserve... which could be read genuinely, or the kind of thing you say to get rid of someone; I feel given it was more of the former.

The woman is being realistic. Clearly because she is a little bit older she possesses greater emotional intelligence than you, especially since she has had a LTR. Take each day for what it is. There's absolutely no need to be having grand dreams about someone you've only just met.

She was waiting for me to say something about me seeing it as a long term, and of me seeing it surviving after what happens after we leave here. I believe that or I believe in my will to give it as good a shot as I can but the past two weeks of hot-cold game made me a lot less willing to say it.

You are making a lot of assumptions there. She could easily be looking at it as a short term relationship or just a casual thing. She isn't being hot/cold. You are failing to lead, that's all. Contrary to what you may have learned all your life, women in general are not comfortable leading relationships. Also, I don't understand the need or the rush to put a label on the relationship. If you haven't already scared her off I'd bet that she's rethinking her position.

I know a lot of this is cultural issues and expectations, her expecting me to be far more proactive, but me not really willing to made any gestures of grand romance until I actually feel there's something there or know her a bit better... and both affected by our respective backgrounds.

Absolutely no need for any grand gestures. You're not even in a relationship yet!

My own situation is made more complicated by finding out one of my closest friends has feelings for me, we communicate honestly and have a similar way of thinking (although she's not an Irish girl either actually). There had long been an expectation among mutual friends that we'd eventually get together (I suspected there was more there than friendship, but had long given up). I'm going to lose someone either way.

There's the thought that a close friendship is worth more than whatever I have with a girl who I don't communicate well with... but then I've spent years of trying to do the right thing, thinking with my head instead of my heart, waiting for something to happen, and it hasn't got me anywhere... has it.

Why does it have to an either/or situation. If she's is your friend she will remain that regardless of who you choose to date. It's up to *you* to choose who you have your relationships with - not your friends, or anyone else.

You're guilty of not just selling the farm too cheap but practically giving it away. The Russian girl already knows that she has you.

Handlestash · 31-01-2008 5:42pm

This isn't fair on either of you.
I suggest that you just remain friends (this means no kissing) and move on.
Plenty of fish in the sea. If fish are your thing.

Wibbs · 31-01-2008 6:50pm

Gyalist's post sums it up. I would also make sure she's out of the long termer. Ask her how long it's over. I dunno, just a hunch.

relationships and confusion. where to go from here?

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