Erection Problems

LeeJ1 · 06-05-2017 1:57am #1

Okay so I met this girl online and I am really into her and we met a few days ago now and she was even more amazing in person. We got to the point where we were about to have sex, my first time, and I was worrying all along before she came what if I get nervous and can't get it up which is ridiculous as I have a pretty high sex drive. I could only stay hard when she went down. I couldn't stay hard to do the deed and I have to presume this is nerves because she made me extremely aroused before we met and she was perfect in person. Since that day I have not been able to get hard to anything which just confirms it's mental which is making me question why I am even posting this because I need to just stop thinking of it and it will go but I can't... We are meeting again next week were we said we will take things slower, I feel like the woman in this situation... I was embarrassed and I must have said sorry about 50 times. I just wanted her to know it wasn't her, it could have been Ms. Universe and her twin sister and the show still wouldn't have went on.

Has anyone ever had a similar situation to this and what have they done? Nothing interests me since that day because I'm just thinking "What is happening!!". I know once I get over it everything will be good and I don't think I will encounter this problem again but it's quite frustrating and hard to forget. I don't drink, smoke or do any drugs and I am pretty athletic. My body is in fully functional order. And I am no longer watching pornography as I agree with a lot of what people say about it desensitizing you.

zoobizoo · 06-05-2017 10:07am

Nerves are natural...

Open up to her about it on the off chance it does happen again.. vocalise what's going on for you "this is my first time so I'm really nervous".

Have a laugh about it with her and relax.

professore · 06-05-2017 11:34am

This is probably controversial but I had the exact same problem and overcame it after a while. Practice makes perfect! In my case it was caused by hangups and shame about being sexually aroused by women because of a Catholic upbringing.

I see a very similar dynamic now with stigmatisation of men "objectifying" women which leads some men to completely suppress their sex drive as it's "shameful". I learned it's perfectly normal and healthy for a man to get turned on physically by a sexy woman and there's nothing creepy or objectifying about it. Your pornography comment is enlightening - further reinforces the idea that those porn women are "dirty" not like your girlfriend. Spoiler: she likes sex as much as you do! Look up the Madonna / whore complex.

If you're the kind of guy who is athletic and doesn't drink or smoke you probably have a similar mindset that I had - too much respect for doing the right thing. You need to let that go. Get a glass of whiskey with your girlfriend and then head off to the bedroom, relax and let your body take over!

LegacyUser · 06-05-2017 2:40pm

The exact same thing happened to me OP. It was my first time also. I had butterflies in my stomach when we got into the bedroom but was still confident in myself and excitedly looking forward to it! Everything was going great, but once our clothes were off and I looked down, nothing was happening downstairs. I panicked, but then I just got really nervous and that just made things worse. I was mortified and kept apologising to my gf telling her it was just nerves because I was looking forward to it so much (I did not tell her it was my first time because I felt that would just add to the embarrassment).

I wasn't going to see my gf for another 2 weeks because she was going on holiday. During that entire 2 weeks I wasn't able to get an erection. I was completely freaked out by this because like you, I was very fit and healthy and considered myself to have a high sex drive. It's incredible how much power your subconscious mind can have over your body! I didn't want a repeat of the same episode when I saw my gf again, so I went to my GP. He confirmed for me that it was just nerves and gave me a prescription. When I met up with my gf again on our next date, I told her that I went to the GP because I was freaked out by what had happened to me and told her that the GP confirmed that it was just nerves. She was very understanding about it and that night we just took our time. I didn't even use the medication, things just started to work again by themselves. I still suffered with erection problems for a few weeks after that, but not to the extent of that first night. It just took a few weeks for my mind and body to get their confidence back fully and it has never happened to me again since.

My gf and I are still together and I told her a few months later that it had been my first time. She said she did not suspect that because I came across as being so confident, and instead it made her very insecure thinking that she was not attractive or sexy enough. She also told me that she would not have thought any less of me had I told her it was my first time, but it would have put her mind at ease. Everybody is different OP, just something else to consider.

The best advice I can give OP, if it doesn't fix itself over the next few days, go to your GP. It was a massive weight off my mind when I did this and I could feel it in myself immediately afterwards that things were going to come right again. Best of luck.

cleopatra11 · 07-05-2017 8:19am

OP, this is all anxiety and nerves. And this is from a female pov. When I first got with my boyfriend, his erection was non existant. I came straight out and asked him if it was me or if he had erectile dysfunction or what??. God love him I was so direct. He said it was cos he really liked me and did not want to disappoint me that it made him even more nervous. For him it was all nerves and performance anxiety. One he relaxed, well... i am a very happy woman!

Look the point I am trying to make is that if you are going to do something as intimate as have sex with someone you need to talk to her about it. She might be feeling bad too, that its her. That you dont really fancy her. But if its a nerves thing then talk.
Perhaps she will see it as a sweet thing that you like her so much, she makes you nervous. But you have to talk to her. Do other stuff in bed first, drive her wild and oncs you relax knowing you can satisfy her then you will be able to perform.
But most importantly, talk, do it in bed while having a snuggle, have some cuddles and relax....

LegacyUser · 08-05-2017 11:29pm

Hey OP - I'm a guy in my 30s and i can guarantee 100% you its all nerves & anxiety.

I've had a similar thing happen to me recently too - I was in a long term relationship and never had any issues. Then after that relationship ended, with the next few sexual partners I had - I just couldn't keep an erection.

It was all in my head, i was nervous, over thinking things - just couldn't relax and enjoy it. Its easier said than done - but just try relax as much as you can, be yourself. Take things very slow. Talk about it and be open, have a laugh and joke it lightens the mood and takes the pressure off.

A few tips
- Stop saying sorry, it just puts more emphasis on it in your own head
- Try to keep relaxed - just be in the moment, enjoy kissing & lots of foreplay, remove your mind from the act of sex itself and just try get lost in being together. The less you think about it the more enjoyable it will be.
- I found giving more oral helped me regain an erection
- Keep up the exercise and dont stress.

It may take a few attempts to get it right. Good luck!

gsi300024v · 10-05-2017 5:13pm

Could you plan other stuff like massage shower together etc so there is less pressure on PIV, my gf doens't want sex during her period, but we still have fun and it's kinda cool, we get to explore other ways to have fun.

leggo · 11-05-2017 9:38am

This will happen to most, if not all, men at least once in their lives. Anyone who argues is protesting too much and talking crap. Relax and do foreplay until you're so wound up you're not thinking anymore. You don't have to do specific things at specific times to keep the other person happy, just make sure you're being attentive to them throughout and go whenever you're both ready. If they don't respect that, they're not worth your time.

gsi300024v · 11-05-2017 1:10pm

And it's not your job to make her happy, it's the 2 of you together making it enjoyable for you both. You don't have to be totally responsible. People are usually a bit pants at sex anyway at the start, women and men. Like everything you generally get better with practice, and sex practice is lots of fun!

greencap · 22-05-2017 2:08pm

Theres a fear/anxiety about something to do with the context of meeting up.

Your subconscious sees a danger.

Something along the lines of her ex is a psycho ex special forces, or she mentioned wanting a family within the year, or you met her outside an std clinic every time.

(or theres a guilty conscience, are you doing something your sensible self says not to)

Theres an existential threat, or something threatening to an aspect of your life.
Your backseat brain therefore grabbed the wheel, said 'no you don't' and wouldn't let you go towards her.

Niggling uncertainty about her/the context. Your sensible brain over-ruled your boner.

Usually the other way round for men, I know, but if its a big enough deal it can work the other way.

Erection Problems

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