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Prospective bf kissed a girl. Justified?

  • 12-04-2014 6:45pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm gay, but sometimes score girls. A guy that I've been talking to for a while is bi. We're not in a relationship...yet. We don't live in the same area, so we've only met once or twice, and never actually kissed or anything. But, we talk all the time, and are gonna meet to do stuff over Easter.

    That ^ was the preamble!

    He told me in passing today that he kissed a girl last night, and that they've been flirting for a while. He also said they'd probably kiss next time they're out together. She's part of a group that he hangs around with, so it's not as if he specifically met up with her.

    I'm not jealous. But, I feel that our "relationship" is less secure! Am I right to feel aggrieved?!

    I don't know whether I can post unregistered, so sincere thanks in advance :)


Comments

  • #2
    floggg
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,824 ✭✭✭floggg


    a non-e mouse wrote: »
    I'm gay, but sometimes score girls. A guy that I've been talking to for a while is bi. We're not in a relationship...yet. We don't live in the same area, so we've only met once or twice, and never actually kissed or anything. But, we talk all the time, and are gonna meet to do stuff over Easter.

    That ^ was the preamble!

    He told me in passing today that he kissed a girl last night, and that they've been flirting for a while. He also said they'd probably kiss next time they're out together. She's part of a group that he hangs around with, so it's not as if he specifically met up with her.

    I'm not jealous. But, I feel that our "relationship" is less secure! Am I right to feel aggrieved?!

    I don't know whether I can post unregistered, so sincere thanks in advance :)

    What relationship?

    Unless and until you have one, he's free to do as he wants. And regardless of how much you like him, or whether you fool around, I wouldnt count your chickens on anything.

    It only leads to unrealistic expectations, unnecessary pressure and hurt feelings.


  • #3
    sligoface
    Closed Accounts Posts: 556 ✭✭✭sligoface


    I've always thought it would be tough to date a bisexual person. Most people get jealous enough when they're worried about 50% of the population stealing their partner let alone the whole lot.

    Sounds like the guy is not going to give up his fun with the fairer sex and if that bothers you I would move on.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    So, it turns out I can reply!

    Thanks to both of you who have responded so far. Let me add some more detail.

    We met on a dating site and Skyped for a few weeks. We were supposed to meet up several times, but complications led to meets being cancelled each time. One day, completely unexpectedly, he told me too much stuff was going on in his life and that he wanted to put me to one side for a few months. I was really upset, but promptly deleted him. A few months later he got back in touch with me saying that he'd been looking for me for ages on the dating site on which met (I had started a new profile since) and that he really wanted to make a relationship work.

    So...it is in that context that I feel insecure. I don't care AT ALL that he kissed someone (even if it had been a guy (I think!)). But, what had me perturbed/annoyed/upset/anxious (whatever the emotion that I can't really describe is) was that he expects to have some sort of relationship with this girl while simultaneously having one with me. Coupled with the fact that I'm sorta expecting him to break things off again - even though he's been really cool since we got talking.

    This is obviously not one of the more consequential advice-needed posts that have appeared in this forum :D But, for reasons too complicated to explain (including the fact that I'm closeted), I really want (almost need) this relationship to work.


  • #5
    xavier8228
    Registered Users Posts: 166 ✭✭xavier8228


    I have to say there is no relationship yet. You were together once but this is "nothing". If you want something more you have to tell them.


  • #6
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,102 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Your first post suggests you met him in person

    Your second post suggests you haven't

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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  • #7
    Ten of Swords
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 24,063 CMod ✭✭✭✭Ten of Swords


    a non-e mouse wrote: »
    Am I right to feel aggrieved?

    No, not really. Are you actually in a proper relationship? It sounds like you've discussed it and there is an expectation that it will eventually happen but right now you're not so while I can understand your emotional reaction it doesn't really have much basis.
    a non-e mouse wrote: »
    One day, completely unexpectedly, he told me too much stuff was going on in his life and that he wanted to put me to one side for a few months.

    That's a pretty big warning sign to be honest.
    a non-e mouse wrote: »
    But, for reasons too complicated to explain (including the fact that I'm closeted), I really want (almost need) this relationship to work.

    Does he want (almost need) this to work as much as you do? Seems like he can take it or leave it, be sure that you're both in it for the same reasons and that your expectations are realistic or it will lead to future hurt and frustrations.

    Since talking with him have you been close to anyone else, male or female? It works both ways.

    Moderator: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender, Vegan & Vegetarian

    Category Moderator: Social & Fun



  • #8
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    Ok, so all this talk of "kissing" and "scoring"... Am
    I right in saying you're a teenager? I'm asking because it all sounds wishy washy and a bit immature. You'ee never going to know what's going on in someone else's head unless you ask them Straight out.

    You say you're gay but score girls. Cool, whatever, but have you been doing so since this thing started? If yes, then you're doing the exact same as him.

    Have you had a conversation that involves talk of going out or anything? Because if you haven't then all this talk of relationships is in your head, and this chap has every right to go off with whoever he wants. Until you draw boundaries for a relationship then everything is up for grabs. If he identifies as bi, and is not in a monogamous relationship then he is entitled to meet girls and date them.

    In short, no, I don't think you have any right to be pissed off that he likes and is making a move on someone else. At least he told you about it.


  • #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hey, guys. Again, thanks for your responses. Just to clarify a few things: we met in person after reconnecting, but mainly discussed what happened previously and it was very brief - so wasn't exactly romantic! I'm not a teenager (blushing face) :D In my defence, I am very early twenties and am sexually stunted because of being closeted :( I haven't done anything with anyone since we reconnected.

    We're clearly not in a relationship. But...he got back in contact with the intention that we would get into one, and we have talked as though that is inevitable and that just the lack of physical contact has prevented us from formalizing it.

    Thanks, ToS. I think you're right about it being a warning sign!

    What I'm taking from the responses is that, until both of us understand the relationship to have commenced, anything goes! It just seems odd to me that you would tell someone that you want to have a relationship with them, set a date for meeting, but then become sexually involved with someone else in the interim.


  • #10
    Peregrinus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 26,678 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    This guy is not your boyfriend. He's barely even a friend; you've only met him once or twice. He's somebody you would like to get to know better.

    And, for at least one of you, getting to know one another better is not a huge priority, because "complications lead to meets being cancelled all the time". If you really wanted to prioritise meeting, then it's the complications that would get cancelled.

    So, putting it at it's highest, he's a potential romantic interest of yours. Until you can find time in your busy schedules actually to meet, he's under no obligation not to pursue his romantic interests in other people. You shouldn't be upset that he does. It should act as a wake-up call to you; if you want to pursue an interest in this guy, you need to pursue it. You can't have an exclusive relationship with him until you have a relationship with him.


  • #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I (the OP) thought I posted a reply, but it hasn't yet appeared. I don't know if this one will or, if it does, whether the other one will too. Anyway...

    First, thanks guys for your responses!

    I'll be brief, cause I feel a little sheepish about prolonging this thread - in the grand scheme, this is pretty trivial.

    Basically, this chap got back in touch with me saying that he desperately wanted to make a relationship work. It was therefore surprising to me that he would still be sexually engaging with others.

    What I'm getting from the responses is that, until the relationship is official, anything goes.

    Again, thank you.


    PS I'm embarrassed to say I'm not a teenager! :D I'm in my early twenties, but, being closeted, I'm pretty inexperienced with both genders.


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  • #12
    Doop
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,473 ✭✭✭Doop


    You need to ask him if he thinks you two are working towards a relationship or if its something he is after at all.
    It all sounds like he is 'having a bit of fun' whereas you are hoping it will turn into a relationship.


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