My boyfriend has no time for me..

Irachka · 01-03-2008 3:54pm #1

Hi all,

I'm with my boyfriend for just over two years now. Every since we start going out i felt he had no time for me, he plays football,golf and guitar loves to be on the internet and if he is not doing any of this he is just watching tv. I'm tired of looking for a bit of attention or affection + he treats me like a made I do all the house work and his excuse always is he is tired ( even though we do the same kind of work). Time goes and I just feel this relationship goes nowhere, we don't talk about the future( or just don't talk at all) don't plan anything.
Should I give him more time to himself?? Is he just a guy being a guy?? I am very confused, is there anything I'm doing wrong or is he just the guy for me??

I love him very much and would hate to break up with him, but I cant take this anymore I need to be with someone who will appreciate me and will want to spend a time with me.

What should I do?? Any advice is appreciated...

Thank you

Seth Brundle · 01-03-2008 4:00pm

He has plenty of outlets and being tired isn't really an excuse. It does sound like he has his cake and is eating it.
You do need to sit down and discuss roles in order for the entire arrangement to work.

seahorse · 01-03-2008 4:08pm

Have you discussed this with him before now Irachka? If not, do so; and if you have, and he's ignored your concerns, I would have at least one eye on the door because in that case it's not a matter of his being ignorant as to your feelings, it's a matter of his being indifferent to them.

I'm sorry to say it doesn't bode well that he doesn't feel a natural compulsion to spend time with you; enjoying being with somebody really is the primary reason for being involved with anyone in the first place. He doesn't seem to feel that, and I am sure you know this, and I'm sure it's hurting you and making you feel low in yourself too; it'd have to.

Anyway, talk to him, and if you get no sense out of him I'd advise you to leave. Life's too short to spend with somebody who makes you feel bad about yourself.

Wishbone Ash · 01-03-2008 4:08pm

Irachka wrote: »

Is he just a guy being a guy?? I am very confused, is there anything I'm doing wrong or is he just the guy for me??

I think it's just complacency and possibly a sign that he's too settled. We're all guilty of it from time to time and need reminding!

(It also usually involves being in the pub too often too).

Sherifu · 01-03-2008 4:11pm

Tell him exactly what you wrote here.

Irachka · 01-03-2008 4:23pm

Tried to speak to him few times, he just ignores me, doesn't think its important just says back "I'm not listening". If I continue talking it just turns into a huge argument and then I just end up in tears feeling empty. I suggested splitting up, he said he doesn't want to and the same time he doesn't do anything to change the situation

dudara · 01-03-2008 4:42pm

Irachka wrote: »

Tried to speak to him few times, he just ignores me, doesn't think its important just says back "I'm not listening".

Well then, he can not listen on a permanent basis. You might feel that you love him, but while he continues to behave in this manner, he's no good for you.

babydoll2008 · 01-03-2008 4:43pm

If thats the case that he doesnt want to break up and pulls the childs line of Im not Listening tell him that you want to take a break for a while, give it even a week or two weeks and let him see what he's going to lose if you do walk out on him! He's too comfortable with the way things are he needs a kick up the arse!
If you dont want to do that may i suggest taking a week away on holiday with him where there's no golf courses or any of that sporting racket and spend some time alone with him.

Wishbone Ash · 01-03-2008 4:50pm

Irachka wrote: »

Tried to speak to him few times, he just ignores me, doesn't think its important just says back "I'm not listening".

That's just downright rudeness and totally unacceptable. He's taking you for granted. Time for a break to put things in perspective. He's way too complacent.

Irachka wrote:

I suggested splitting up, he said he doesn't want to and the same time he doesn't do anything to change the situation

He really does want to have his cake and eat it too!

spinandscribble · 01-03-2008 4:55pm

if some guy ever told me they didnt care or "didnt want to listen" if i was politely and mannerly telling them my concerns, i'd dump them. i have twice. then i met my current bf who's a darling and will discuss things like a mature person.
stop letting him call the shots. if i was you i'd give it one more go but if he puts his fingers in his ears like a child i'd pack.

seahorse · 01-03-2008 5:09pm

Irachka wrote: »

Tried to speak to him few times, he just ignores me, doesn't think its important just says back "I'm not listening". If I continue talking it just turns into a huge argument and then I just end up in tears feeling empty. I suggested splitting up, he said he doesn't want to and the same time he doesn't do anything to change the situation

I think you need to stop making suggestions and start making assertions. I cannot imagine treating my partner the way you're being treated here, for the simple reason that I love him and would never want to be the cause of any hurt he felt.

I think what you need to do is face the very hard and hurtful reality that this man could not possibly have the depth of feeling for you that you have for him. When there's a very big disparity of feeling in a realationship, and you're the one giving more than your getting, it's a very difficult reality to face but it's also a very necessary one.

In short, from the sounds of it, I think you owe it to yourself to accept that this relationship is not a two-way street and that it's time to leave this eejit.

Aseth · 01-03-2008 5:10pm

First stop doing anything in the house for both of you. Clean only your place, dishes for yourself, wash only your clothes. If he asks for something reply 'I'm not listening'.
If you see that doesn't bother him just leave. You're young and there's plenty of decent guys around.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 01-03-2008 5:15pm

Aseth wrote: »

First stop doing anything in the house for both of you. Clean only your place, dishes for yourself, wash only your clothes. If he asks for something reply 'I'm not listening'.
If you see that doesn't bother him just leave. You're young and there's plenty of decent guys around.

Can't say I see this working, sorry. It'll just produce animosity

guydub · 01-03-2008 5:22pm

If i was in a relationship like that , i would dump the person and move on. life is too short to be ignored and unhappy. walk out on him and see if he takes notice of u then. u can do better and deserve better. he has no respect for you

Weidii · 01-03-2008 6:10pm

To be honest, if someone brushed me off with "I'm not listening" when I was trying to address a serious issue with them, I'd get rid of them. Start afresh. If it happens now it will happen again in the future, even if things might be resolved for s hort period of time.

Irachka · 01-03-2008 11:31pm

Aseth wrote: »

First stop doing anything in the house for both of you. Clean only your place, dishes for yourself, wash only your clothes. If he asks for something reply 'I'm not listening'.
If you see that doesn't bother him just leave. You're young and there's plenty of decent guys around.

Tried that,piles of dirty clothes were building up beside already full clothes basket and dust was gathering all around eventually i just gave up and cleaned it all myself. Once I told him I will pay less rent since I'm the only one doing all the work in the house. He pushed me out of the room and thats how a huge argument with a lot of abuse started

Seth Brundle · 01-03-2008 11:40pm

Irachka wrote: »

Tried that,piles of dirty clothes were building up beside already full clothes basket and dust was gathering all around eventually i just gave up and cleaned it all myself. Once I told him I will pay less rent since I'm the only one doing all the work in the house. He pushed me out of the room and thats how a huge argument with a lot of abuse started

I guess then it comes down to actions and not just words!
Best of luck with it.

Overheal · 01-03-2008 11:49pm

Break up. It doesnt mean a damn if he doesnt want to: of course he doesnt. He gets free maid service and such.

Leave and dont take him back. If you take him back theres a very high chance he will never learn a damn thing from it.

Lurvely · 02-03-2008 12:42am

You need to leave him, make a clean break. This doesnt sound like a relationship at all, your just his skivvy who cleans up after him and who he can ignore..leave him, take some time out for you and get back out there, youll find a decent guy who treats you well, the way you deserve to be treated.

Irachka · 02-03-2008 1:14am

We are renting together, if i tell him I'm leaving he wont let me, but leaving without saying anything is just a bad form. What would be the best way about it??

Silverfish · 02-03-2008 1:16am

Irachka wrote: »

We are renting together, if i tell him I'm leaving he wont let me, but leaving without saying anything is just a bad form. What would be the best way about it??

He won't let you?

You give him a month's notice. "I'm leaving", and then you leave.

In my case, I still had to pay the rent for the month's notice, and then pay a months rent/deposit in the new place, but it was the best 1600 I ever spent.

Irachka · 02-03-2008 1:19am

Cant see him giving me my deposit back... All though... you are right Silverfish it probably will be the best money ever spent..

Silverfish · 02-03-2008 1:21am

Irachka wrote: »

Cant see him giving me my deposit back... All though... you are right Silverfish it probably will be the best money ever spent..

You are legally entitled to it.

And if that's the sort he is, then get the hell out, as soon as you can

Overheal · 02-03-2008 1:24am

What do you mean 'he wont let you'?

I assume its split rent anyway. So you are subletting from him?

He still does not get to say whether you can or can not leave. And from a legitimate standpoint you can walk up and be gone tomorrow.

At the very most you have to give 2 weeks notice or so to a landlord but thats it. in the interim you dont have to stay there while you close down your terms of the lease.

Huggles · 02-03-2008 1:26am

I don't normally comment in here but this guy seems like a total arrogant bully and a waster to boot.

get teh hell out of there hes no good for you.

bronte · 02-03-2008 1:44am

Bad form? What he is doing is more then bad form.
Leave now, you don't have to accept this.

Lurvely · 02-03-2008 2:13am

Please leave him..its not good for you...it might be hard but its better doing it sooner rather than later..forget about money & all that..get away from him before he damages you emotionally

Overheal · 02-03-2008 2:57am

Oh yeah I almost forgot cos I repressed the memories

I had a similar situation not 3 months ago: If I had forgotten about the money issue and taken the advice of posters here (ie. leave immediately) I would have left a week sooner than I did: which is when **** hit the fan. Trust me if you stay with the sinking ship things only get worse and often times in very unexpected ways. Dont make the same mistake and place the money over your happiness

Talliesin · 02-03-2008 3:34am

Irachka wrote: »

We are renting together, if i tell him I'm leaving he wont let me, but leaving without saying anything is just a bad form. What would be the best way about it??

Yes, it's bad form to leave someone without telling them anything.

Your problem though is you have a seriously misguided understanding of the value of etiquette and form. Etiquette and form is a way for people to smooth the edges in our dealing with people through a two-way system (often codified, but deeply informal in modern Western culture) that colours how we interact.

It assumes other people are also considering it, or at the very least are not actively abusive.

When someone else doesn't exhibit terribly good form you should ideally still demonstrate it on your own part, but it does not have the same value (it's main continuing value is that it can at least stop things from escalating if they are merely rude). As the degree of bad behaviour increases on their part the value of etiquette and form decreases.

When you're at the point where someone is not letting you leave they are taking away your freedom of movement which is one of the most fundamental rights you have. Restricting your movements is violence. There are three ways of dealing with violence. You suffer it (which is pretty much a failure to deal with it) you get away from it or you use reasonable force to defend yourself against it (and if it gets to the point where you have to do that you're way past worrying about good form).

How much better to just leave before your choice is between either of the other two options?

Irachka wrote: »

Cant see him giving me my deposit back.

http://www.courts.ie/Courts.ie/Library3.nsf/0/C9A6DFDC008962218025721B00553F3B?OpenDocument or else just write it off.

If you think writing it off is a financial bad decision, consider this:

Add up every hour spent enduring this sort of thing from them. Now, if you put up with that because you might lose some money otherwise think of it the other way around. Imagine your job was to put up with it, and you got paid that amount of money (and no extra danger money for being in a situation were people won't let you leave and no free counselling like some bank staff get after robberies etc.)

Would you put up with that job? And would it even add up to your making minimum wage?

Any financial decision that doesn't add up to making minimum wage is a bad one. That's before we even consider the most important reasons why this is bad for you.

davyjose · 02-03-2008 4:05am

Irachka, stop looking for reasons not to leave. Re-read what you wrote and ask yourself this: "If I read this about someone else, what would I advise?" I think you know the answer.

Your life will not get worse if you leave. It might seem scary, but it won't be worse. Guaranteed.

My boyfriend has no time for me..

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