Why is my ex ignoring me?

LegacyUser · 20-07-2014 12:32am #1

My ex broke up with me a number of months ago. He didn't give me a direct reason for the break up, but I just guessed he didn't have strong feelings for me anymore. But when we ended things, we didn't fight or argue. I was very calm and reasonable. He told me he would give me some time to take it all in and then to contact him when I felt ready.

I gave it a few weeks and then messaged him. Nothing serious, just a text to see how he was. He didn't reply. I tried again about a month later, still no reply. I haven't tried to reach out since.

I never hurt him through our relationship so he has no reason to hold a grudge against me. He isn't a cold hearted person, I just don't understand why he would ignore me like this. Maybe he has moved on and wants to leave our relationship behind, which is reasonable, but why didn't he just tell me this instead of leaving me in the dark.

I figure a lot of you are going to say to forget about him and that it's good that he is not contacting you, but I just don't understand why he would be so mean and childish. I hate that it ended this way because there were things I wanted to ask him, answers I needed to hear, but now I have no opportunity. Even a message from him to say "I don't think we should talk for a while" would be great. Then I would at least know something.

Is there any hope of talking to him again? Should I even try? I don't want this dark cloud to be hanging over my head forever.

freshpopcorn · 20-07-2014 1:43am

He might have a new woman in his life and he doesn't want to be seen contacting his ex. He might have also moved on and wants just to forget about you. There are loads of possible reasons. Just move on.

Lou.m · 20-07-2014 1:56am

You have done all you can do by trying to contact him. People ignore you or your contact when they are done with you. It is not mean but maybe what he needs? His ignoring you does say something it says he is done.

I can't tell you what he is thinking there could be many reasons. He has someone else, he changed his number, he needs not to have you in his life i don't know.

If he wants to contact you now he will. But don't wait for him it is not healthy for either of you and I don't think it seems to be what he wants.

R.D. aka MR.D · 20-07-2014 3:33am

Sometimes my ex (who i was with for almost 4 years) sends me messages. i don't respond. I don't think that I am being childish.

The reason that I don't respond is two-fold. First, my current OH and I have had many disagreements about exes because some of his were more recent and I don't like him being in contact with them because one of them secretly tried to befriend me and lots of other weird drama. So I drew a line.
I would be quite a hypocrite if I was in contact with my ex and he wasn't.
The second reason is that I don't see a point in being in contact. I'll probably never see him again in my life. We don't live near each other and I have very little interest in being friends.

I think fondly of him but he is a memory. I don't need the past dragged up by some one that i have no interest in romantically or otherwise. I don't hate him or hate our time together, i'm indifferent to him as mean as that sounds.

Move on. Closure is a myth. He broke up with you because he didn't want to be with you anymore. Remember him fondly as some one that you were once with. Leave it at that.

Stavro Mueller · 20-07-2014 8:42am

Maybe he mentioned the contact thing as a way of softening the blow? Or to stop you contacting him in the days after the break up? Maybe he thought it was a good idea at the time and has now changed his mind?

I don't think he's being deliberately nasty but is looking at this in a different way to you. He might have an inkling that you're looking for answers and doesn't want to go there. Or as has been suggested, he has a new woman. He's under no obligation to give you answers or to make contact again. Not everyone wants to have their exes in their lives and he appears to be one of them.

What sort of answers were you looking for anyway? Be careful what you wish for. Do you really want someone to tell you that your laugh is annoying, you're not attractive to them any more, you're crap at s€x or that you're a bore? Accept that he decided you weren't for him and move on.

Merkin · 20-07-2014 12:10pm

I suspect it was to soften the blow, akin to a parting shot of 'let's be friends'. He probably said it to be kind at the time and now that time has elapsed doesn't see the benefit of opening the lines of communication. Closure is overrated, all you need to know is that he doesn't want to be with you a more, details are superfluous. Let this go and in time you'll appreciate that NOT being in contact will allow you to heal quicker. Take care of yourself xx

mrty · 20-07-2014 4:40pm

ignored1 wrote: »

My ex broke up with me a number of months ago. He didn't give me a direct reason for the break up, but I just guessed he didn't have strong feelings for me anymore. But when we ended things, we didn't fight or argue. I was very calm and reasonable. He told me he would give me some time to take it all in and then to contact him when I felt ready.

I gave it a few weeks and then messaged him. Nothing serious, just a text to see how he was. He didn't reply. I tried again about a month later, still no reply. I haven't tried to reach out since.

I never hurt him through our relationship so he has no reason to hold a grudge against me. He isn't a cold hearted person, I just don't understand why he would ignore me like this. Maybe he has moved on and wants to leave our relationship behind, which is reasonable, but why didn't he just tell me this instead of leaving me in the dark.

I figure a lot of you are going to say to forget about him and that it's good that he is not contacting you, but I just don't understand why he would be so mean and childish. I hate that it ended this way because there were things I wanted to ask him, answers I needed to hear, but now I have no opportunity. Even a message from him to say "I don't think we should talk for a while" would be great. Then I would at least know something.

Is there any hope of talking to him again? Should I even try? I don't want this dark cloud to be hanging over my head forever.

Hi op, you sure he still has the phone? If he does its as you say just being childish and its better you move on. You deserve better, I know its a real head messer when there are unanswered questions. I'm going through a similar situation myself. Strange break up out of the blue no real reason why, it is very hurtful, I did get some answers and tbh they never really made sense and have left me jumping to conclusions all over again. I've decided just to get on with it and put it behind me, I would urge you to do the same. I know its not easy when we love someone but time really does help. All the best feel better soon. :-)

Dolbert · 20-07-2014 5:16pm

The answer is in the question - because he's your ex. He really has no obligation to keep in contact with you and is probably doing the right thing in the long run. Take the hint and don't contact him again.

LegacyUser · 20-07-2014 5:38pm

freshpopcorn wrote: »

He might have a new woman in his life and he doesn't want to be seen contacting his ex. He might have also moved on and wants just to forget about you. There are loads of possible reasons. Just move on.

I guess I will respond to your comment because it seems to be the most liked one.

I know he doesn't have another woman in his life. I have been chatting to some friends of his and they said he's still single.

As you said, and I mentioned in my original post, he probably has moved on. But why would he be so mean to ignore me? There was no bad blood between us. We had great times together, and truly had a special relationship, and I know he felt the same. What benefit is there for him to just cut all ties to me?

I wasn't being clingy after the breakup, I wasn't pestering him for answers. It just doesn't make sense to me that he just doesn't give a damn about me now. And if he did just say the "lets stay in touch" things at the breakup to soften the blow and to be kind to me as some of you said, why isn't he being kind now? Does he suddenly now hate me?

Whenever I have been the dumper, I would never be so cold as to ignore an ex when they reached out to me. I always made it clear that things were over and never lead them on. I would feel guilty if I never responded. How can he be so cruel?

Is this how you would behave if you dumped someone?

LegacyUser · 20-07-2014 7:02pm

Hi OP,
I dont think the question is why is your ex ignoring you-more so why are you still hung up on him (when he has made it very clear).

About a year ago, I started seeing a guy. He didnt want it going anywhere. I accepted and moved on (we'd been friend before so I did miss his friendship). Anyways, about 3 months of no contact, I sent a message just "how are you?". I knew he'd seen it, but he never replied. I left it. I figured his actions spoke louder than his words. Nothing I can do about anything. And it was his choice. 3 months later out of the blue. He replied (this is funny) "im fine and you?".

We had a brief, yet polite, conversation and some likes on fb, usual stuff, and that is it. To be honest, at that stage I myself didnt care. As said already, his stuff has nothing to do with me.

Stavro Mueller · 21-07-2014 12:58am

You're projecting your values onto this guy. Not everyone wants to stay in touch with their exes once they break up and you've got to respect that. It doesn't make them a better or worse person than you. Perhaps he knew you'd be hung up like this and that's why he's not replying?

Seeing as this is bothering you as much as it is, you've got to ask the question: are you really over him?

Merkin · 21-07-2014 1:07am

I think you're still probably hung up on the guy to an extent. It wouldn't bother you so much if you weren't (and that's ok if you loved someone). But he probably knows that and is ultimately being cruel to be kind. What ultimately is to be gained from being in touch again? Ultimately nothing but potentially false hope for you and him worrying that he may have to reject you a second time. For your own sake you have to let this go.

desbrook · 21-07-2014 10:20am

ignored1 wrote: »

I guess I will respond to your comment because it seems to be the most liked one.

I know he doesn't have another woman in his life. I have been chatting to some friends of his and they said he's still single.

As you said, and I mentioned in my original post, he probably has moved on. But why would he be so mean to ignore me? There was no bad blood between us. We had great times together, and truly had a special relationship, and I know he felt the same. What benefit is there for him to just cut all ties to me?

I wasn't being clingy after the breakup, I wasn't pestering him for answers. It just doesn't make sense to me that he just doesn't give a damn about me now. And if he did just say the "lets stay in touch" things at the breakup to soften the blow and to be kind to me as some of you said, why isn't he being kind now? Does he suddenly now hate me?

Whenever I have been the dumper, I would never be so cold as to ignore an ex when they reached out to me. I always made it clear that things were over and never lead them on. I would feel guilty if I never responded. How can he be so cruel?

Is this how you would behave if you dumped someone?

Ahem - Stevie Wonder could see you are still hung up on this guy . We've all been there. I won't embarress you by pointing out the at least ten occasions in the above post where it's obvious . It's very likely too that he knows this fact . The friends of his you asked about him probably warned him .

Please leave it . He hasn't "probably" moved on - he has . You need to do the same .

LegacyUser · 21-07-2014 8:56pm

I have been there too and it is really, really frustrating. So what if she is still hung up on him, in my experience when you get left without answers it makes a break up even harder to get over because you keep wondering about what went wrong and it takes longer to forget.

On the other side of it I have an ex that emails and texts me occasionally but that relationship finished so badly that I will not reply. Having said that I wish I could reply as it feels horrible to ignore someone that you were once madly in love with. But I know if I do I will have to get into it and I am not able to deal it at the moment, probably never will be.

Your ex might feel this way, as other posters said, and he probably feels horrible about ignoring you too if it's any consolation.

LegacyUser · 21-07-2014 11:35pm

desbrook wrote: »

Ahem - Stevie Wonder could see you are still hung up on this guy . We've all been there. I won't embarress you by pointing out the at least ten occasions in the above post where it's obvious . It's very likely too that he knows this fact . The friends of his you asked about him probably warned him .

Please leave it . He hasn't "probably" moved on - he has . You need to do the same .

I never said I was over him. I'm not, but thanks for being so nice about pointing it out...

He doesn't know how much I miss him. When we broke up I asked him to reconsider, and to give it another go, but I didn't beg or cry or get overly emotional. The only time he would have heard from me was the two occassions I texted him asking how he was. I don't talk about him at all when I'm around his friends. He has no reason to believe I am still hung up on him, even though I am.

I tried to get over him. I removed everything that reminded me of him from my life. I started dating. I thought I was doing well for a while, but these emotions still come back.

It's hard to remove someone completely from your life when you're confused as to why they're gone. It feels like someone very close to me has died with no explanation as to how or why.

Logically, I can see clearly that we never have a chance together again, but my heart doesn't seem to listen. Maybe if I heard from him and get some kind of closure, even if it was just him telling me he doesn't want to hear from me again, I could move on.

Lou.m · 22-07-2014 7:19am

ignored1 wrote: »

I never said I was over him. I'm not, but thanks for being so nice about pointing it out...

He doesn't know how much I miss him. When we broke up I asked him to reconsider, and to give it another go, but I didn't beg or cry or get overly emotional. The only time he would have heard from me was the two occassions I texted him asking how he was. I don't talk about him at all when I'm around his friends. He has no reason to believe I am still hung up on him, even though I am.

I tried to get over him. I removed everything that reminded me of him from my life. I started dating. I thought I was doing well for a while, but these emotions still come back.

It's hard to remove someone completely from your life when you're confused as to why they're gone. It feels like someone very close to me has died with no explanation as to how or why.

Logically, I can see clearly that we never have a chance together again, but my heart doesn't seem to listen. Maybe if I heard from him and get some kind of closure, even if it was just him telling me he doesn't want to hear from me again, I could move on.

No you would be able to you are unhealthily hung up and he knows it. It's possible your last contact was more like him saying 'don't contact me unless I contact you'. He can tell you are a little obsessive about this. You are probably upsetting and would drain him.

You would not be over him if he said never contact him. He already broke up with and said not to.

You just HAVE to remove him. You are already villianizing him for not making contact calling him selfish.

He does NOT want to hear from you again...otherwise he would contact you.

He must be dead to you. Erase his number. Whatever the emotions are they are temporary.

You already contacted him and he ignored you, how did that feel? Do you want to repeat that again ? Of course not. He is not going to respond to you.

Erase his number from your phone.

Save your attention for someone who gives it back. There is no confusion as to why he is gone, he was not interested in you. Thats harsh but its the truth. There are many more people out there.

You need to focus on other things in your life other passions, friends goals etc.

He is not thinking of you. He will not contact you. He has removed you from his life. You have been removed from his life. He cannot give you and satisfaction now and you are already beginning to dislike him.

Erase his no.

Stavro Mueller · 22-07-2014 8:23am

There might not be an explanation as such. The man might just have come to realise he didn't enjoy being with you as much as he did and didn't love you. Which I suspect is why most people end relationships, no? Then you asked him to reconsider - now that on its own is a very good reason for him to ignore your texts.

Besides even if he gave you a reason it'd be as watery and vague as he possibly could make it. Most people don't want to go there and who'd blame them. The one piece of advice that everyone here gives to people who have been dumped is to cut contact. Staying in contact with a ex is asking for trouble. As for staying friends - don't get me started. Your ex is doing the right thing - maybe if you try to accept that rather than blaming him for refusing to give you false hope then that'd be a start.

mrsdewinter · 22-07-2014 11:42am

ignored1 wrote: »

I never said I was over him. I'm not, but thanks for being so nice about pointing it out...

He doesn't know how much I miss him. When we broke up I asked him to reconsider, and to give it another go, but I didn't beg or cry or get overly emotional. The only time he would have heard from me was the two occassions I texted him asking how he was. I don't talk about him at all when I'm around his friends. He has no reason to believe I am still hung up on him, even though I am.

I tried to get over him. I removed everything that reminded me of him from my life. I started dating. I thought I was doing well for a while, but these emotions still come back.

It's hard to remove someone completely from your life when you're confused as to why they're gone. It feels like someone very close to me has died with no explanation as to how or why.

Logically, I can see clearly that we never have a chance together again, but my heart doesn't seem to listen. Maybe if I heard from him and get some kind of closure, even if it was just him telling me he doesn't want to hear from me again, I could move on.

OP, I feel for you but your feelings are no longer the responsibility of your ex. What he's thinking and feeling are no longer your business, for that matter.
There's a whole world out there - go and enjoy it.

desbrook · 22-07-2014 11:47am

Okay Op - let's get to the nub of it . You didn't text him to just say "hi" the last two times did you ? You need to be honest with yourself . To me it's clear that you hoped that maybe one thing would lead to another and you could start again . I note your definition of him "moving on" is finding a new girlfriend . Wrong . Again - I've been there as have most of us .

I accept you want a reason for the breakup - but you don't want it in order to move on . You want the reason so you can "change" and get him back . Again I've been there . If he say's you dressed too skimpily you'll go around like a nun etc etc . If he says you talked to much you'll become a wallflower in company .

I can only echo the break up advice offered already and countless times on this forum . I wished I had it 20 years ago ! Delete his number for starters , block him on FB and all the other stuff . Avoid his friends within reason and above all change things - not you . Not for him though - for you . Take up something new . sometimes it's good to have no-one to answer to but yourself .

LegacyUser · 22-07-2014 10:44pm

It's true, I didn't just contact him to say hi. I did want to find out what went wrong and fix it. It's naive, I know, but I just wanted him back.

It was the first real relationship I thought I saw going somewhere, I was finally happy with everything in my life. Now there is this hole.

The advice I've been receiving about keeping busy and go out with friends doesn't really work for me because I was always like that, even when I was with him. I still manage to think about him whenever I have a free thought.

I've never been through a breakup like this, but it seems from all your advice is that once you break up with someone that's it, over forever? I can't comprehend this because I never really got to say my "goodbyes". The last contact I had with him was very casual and he just told me to call him whenever I felt comfortable to. I decided to ignore him for a while and gather my thoughts and then texted him, but he ignored me.

That is why it hurts so much. I had planned to say so much to him, but he just vanished from my life without explanation. It felt so cold to be tricked like that. He got a free pass on having to deal with a breakup.

strobe · 22-07-2014 11:33pm

ignored1 wrote: »

It felt so cold to be tricked like that. He got a free pass on having to deal with a breakup.

So what is it? You want him to hurt as much as you do? That, firstly probably won't work, and secondly, the attempt will make you feel a lot worse about things, not better.

You really just have to let it go. He didn't get any 'free pass', breaking up with someone, especially when you know they really don't want it can be an incredibly hard and difficult thing to do.

He's dealt with things, you need to do the same, in a healthy way, or you're just going to prolong the hurt for yourself way way longer than it would naturally last otherwise.

It sounds like he's done the best thing for both of you in breaking contact rather than engaging in a long, drawn out and stuttering process that ultimately only ends up in the same way and with the exact same feelings and emotions to be dealt with afterwards. See it for the right move that it was for both of you. Wish him well in your mind, draw a line under things in your own head, remember the good times and look forward to having better ones with other people in the future. I know first relationships you see lasting are always torture to get over but it just takes a bit of time, there's no 'closure' or trick or anything else to speed the process along, it takes as long as it takes but it never, ever takes as long as you sometimes think it's going to at the time. All things pass and this will to and a clean break is the best way to ensure it does in a period of time that will be much shorter than you imagine now.

desbrook · 22-07-2014 11:36pm

ignored1 wrote: »

That is why it hurts so much. I had planned to say so much to him, but he just vanished from my life without explanation. It felt so cold to be tricked like that. He got a free pass on having to deal with a breakup.

So you're gonna make him suffer like you have been? Sorry but this is getting into bunny boiler territory if you don't change your mindset.

diveout · 23-07-2014 9:04am

ignored1 wrote: »

It's true, I didn't just contact him to say hi. I did want to find out what went wrong and fix it. It's naive, I know, but I just wanted him back.

It was the first real relationship I thought I saw going somewhere, I was finally happy with everything in my life. Now there is this hole.

The advice I've been receiving about keeping busy and go out with friends doesn't really work for me because I was always like that, even when I was with him. I still manage to think about him whenever I have a free thought.

I've never been through a breakup like this, but it seems from all your advice is that once you break up with someone that's it, over forever? I can't comprehend this because I never really got to say my "goodbyes". The last contact I had with him was very casual and he just told me to call him whenever I felt comfortable to. I decided to ignore him for a while and gather my thoughts and then texted him, but he ignored me.

That is why it hurts so much. I had planned to say so much to him, but he just vanished from my life without explanation. It felt so cold to be tricked like that. He got a free pass on having to deal with a breakup.

I know it's really hard to process how one day you can be so close to someone and a short time later you mean nothing to them. It's a collision of meaning systems.

Thing is when people say goodbye, they have their own separation anxieties and they just say things to smooth the transition. Things like "We'll keep in touch," or "See you later" or "Let's get together sometime." And others start big fights. As you get older you learn to recognise when it will happen and when you know you will never see that person again. My guess is he told you to call him when you felt comfortable as a part of this little separating rituals, or maybe he really meant it... who knows and now doesn't really feel like talking to you.

It's not like he has a free pass either, you just don't really know how he is dealing with it or how he has dealt with it. Sometimes these things do hurt one person more than the other, and that is the way the cookie crumbles. Right now you are dealing with the abandonment feelings and the only thing you can really do is just feel them until they pass. In the mean time just focus on you.

LegacyUser · 23-07-2014 2:20pm

My advice would be as follows:

Don't allow yourself to fantasise about him changing his mind, as this will only feed the false hope.

Anytime you find yourself thinking about him, push those thoughts out of your head. It's tough at first, but you can train your mind.

You say he's probably moved on. You don't know this. You don't know how he's handling things. It's been a shock for you as you were the one being dumped. Many people on this site have said that it's different for the one doing the dumping as they would have been thinking about it for months or weeks. They've gotten used to the idea but that doesn't mean what comes after is easy for them.

It sounds like you tried to get over it too quickly ie going out with other people. I always think it's better to give yourself time to adjust. Allow yourself to feel sad if you feel sad, cry when you want to cry etc. Even if it doesn't feel like it now, the day will come when you wake up and he isn't the first thought in your head, when you don't think about him in the quiet moments and when it doesn't hurt. Just don't try to force yourself to get there too quickly or you run the risk of setting yourself back.

Do not contact him again. If he changes his mind about things, it'll come from him and him along. Not a damn thing you say or do will change it. Some people do get back together again, sometimes it works the second time round and sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes, goodbye really is goodbye. Only time will tell. And only time will heal your pain.

Take care of yourself in the meantime.

catonthewire · 03-08-2014 12:10am

Op..

People move on, they each deal with a break up in their own way, finding a path to come to terms with the loss of someone they once and possibly still do love..

You simply haven't found your path yet, you are angry, hurt and confused and want closure...
If he did reply, what then?
Would the outcome be any different?
For your own sake, future happiness, leave this in the past, move forward and one day he will be a beautiful memory...

Why is my ex ignoring me?

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