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man problems, looking for advice

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  • 17-07-2014 12:14am
    #1
    tantan10
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12 ✭


    ladies, need some advice on a man ive been seeing for seven months. he was fantastic at first and helped me get over my ex partner who i was with for 6 years. Hes your everyday guy, hes not a romantic or a charmer hes just a handsome nice guy who i got on really well with. sex was great. but in the past two weeks we have started arguing alot about silly things and sex has almost stopped.
    trying to make a long story short here but yet dont want leave details out so i can get my whole point across.
    it first started to go wrong when i saw he had sent flirty texts to one of his friends. i confronted him about it and he said sorry that he knew it was silly and he wouldnt do it again. i let it slip. but then when he started ditching our plans to hang out with her and his friends , i started to get kinda mad, but didnt say much. One day i also saw him text the same friend, when he was with me, lying to her saying he wasnt? he made up some silly excuse about he was meant to go do something for her but came to me instead. it wasnt untill he had ditched our plans again for his friends that i got mad, why was he lying to them when he was with me yet then ditching me instead of telling them he had plans.
    now i do understand that we need our time with our friends but i just wish he would get his plans in order he seems to say yes to everyone and then someone is always left dissapointed( usually me )
    just to clarify, im 23 and hes 27, and when he ditches me it for some silly thing like playing video games to driving around in their cars?
    im not sure what to do at this moment because im really ready to settle and give him my all but at the same time i dont want to have to put with this ??
    am i overreacting ? or am i right to be mad at his immaturity?? im not sure what to do.
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    #2
    Claire Byrne
    Registered Users Posts: 15 ✭Claire Byrne


    Oh your relationship sounds exactly like mine .. and I've been it it for 5 years ! I've learned u can't change a man , u just can't .....
    By the sounds of it and I mean this in the nicest possible way you sound like myself a fool in love .... chasing after him and caring that's the prob women care to much !!!!!!!!!
    I've recently tried this thing where I dnt care as much and even if I do I try let on like I don't !!!
    I dunno if it's working or not but worth a try eh ???


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    #3
    Thoie
    Registered Users Posts: 6,344 ✭✭✭Thoie


    In general: people need some space, and while video games/driving around may seem silly to you, if that's what he and his friends enjoy, let them at it, and don't whine about his hobbies being "silly". However...

    Based purely on what you've said, which obviously can't convey the full story, I'd get out. Each individual thing looks reasonable enough on its own, but when they're all strung together like that it's not a relationship I'd continue.

    Word of warning - I am a bit odd, so if everyone else thinks you should stay with him, listen to them instead of me ;)


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    #4
    Lou.m
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,532 ✭✭✭Lou.m


    Claire Byrne wrote: »
    Oh your relationship sounds exactly like mine .. and I've been it it for 5 years ! I've learned u can't change a man , u just can't .....
    By the sounds of it and I mean this in the nicest possible way you sound like myself a fool in love .... chasing after him and caring that's the prob women care to much !!!!!!!!!
    I've recently tried this thing where I dnt care as much and even if I do I try let on like I don't !!!
    I dunno if it's working or not but worth a try eh ???

    That is not going to help.

    You are right you can't change people.

    All you are doing there is changing YOU.

    If you pretend you don't care you can hardly blame him for behaving as he is because you acted as if you did not care.

    You can't chase after someone and you can't expect them to change. You need to find a healthy relationship.
    In general: people need some space, and while video games/driving around may seem silly to you, if that's what he and his friends enjoy, let them at it, and don't whine about his hobbies being "silly". However...

    Based purely on what you've said, which obviously can't convey the full story, I'd get out. Each individual thing looks reasonable enough on its own, but when they're all strung together like that it's not a relationship I'd continue.

    Very true. Is the connection that is faulty. It is not working for one or both parties.

    Just make sure you are happy both of you in the relationship.

    I can kind of adapt to the hobbies of others. I like to learn new things. Have you TRIED some of his? Yes he needs space but it should not be dumping you for them or even dumping them for you ..its balance.

    Compatibility can be negotiated and grown between people if they both want it. But you ultimately decide whether you feel happy and treasured.

    Don't hang on in a situation that you are unhappy in because of desperation.

    And don't mask your true feelings ..I would wager that is unpleasant for you. (Not OP but Claire Byrne)..I knew a Claire Byrne :-) ..


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    #5
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 50,630 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Hi there tantan10

    I've moved your thread to the Relationship Issues forum where you should get better answers to your problem.

    Best of luck.


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    #6
    Babooshka
    Registered Users Posts: 1,142 ✭✭✭Babooshka


    tantan10 wrote: »
    when he ditches me it for some silly thing like playing video games to driving around in their cars?
    im not sure what to do at this moment because im really ready to settle and give him my all but at the same time i dont want to have to put with this ??
    am i overreacting ? or am i right to be mad at his immaturity?? im not sure what to do.

    It sounds like he isn't ready to settle and prefers driving around "cruising" with his friends. Honestly, is that what you want? People rarely change so if anything, down the line he will probably continue this way even if he commits to you, then you're stuck with that for the rest of your life...you're 23 lass, get out and enjoy your time on this planet. Hang out with fun men who want to be with you when they're with you and aren't messing you about, kiss nice guys who treat you kindly and do the same in return, and forget about the losers who mess you about, life is too short for that and there is enough BS around without inviting it in knowingly. I say dump him. But it is up to you...your question about are you right to be mad...nobody has to give you permission about what you feel, listen to your feelings and judge your next move based on them...be true to you. Good luck.


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    #7
    curlzy
    Registered Users Posts: 1,708 ✭✭✭curlzy


    Hey OP,

    It sound to me that you quite like this guy but you don't love him. With that in mind if he's already wrecking your head and telling lies I'd just call it a day and move on. You're 23 sweetie, get out and have fun with your friends, loadsa time to settle down later on. I'm sure you'll find a nice mature straight forward guy that doesn't tell lies if you just draw a line under this and move on. Life is too short for this messing.

    Best of luck with whatever you decide.


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    #8
    tantan10
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12 ✭tantan10


    Thank you all for your help! Just to let you guys know I did confront him this morning and told him what I.thought, pretty much said I wanted him but not all this. He told me that he didn't want to loose his friends because he was settling down, and I explained that I didn't want to be messed around he's gotta be straight with me and straight with his friends or hes gonna end up loosing one of us,most likely. Me because I won't deal with it much longer. He apparently is.gonna try. I understand people can't be changed, I'm not even trying to change him just looking for a bit of respect. And I did think maybe I should stop caring but that's changing me and I'm not sure u could pretend that I don't care! As far as calling his hobbies silly I meant just for his age maybe. But that's not to say I wouldn't hang out with his friends if he invited me out, but he doesn't. I have also said that to him and he agreea and said he would invite me that he didn't realise I would want too. It's still in my head as to what toabout him and us, I just want to see after this.conversation will things change then if not I will give up and live my life as a single.23 year old haha. Thank.you guys.


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    #9
    mrty
    Registered Users Posts: 139 ✭✭mrty


    tantan10 wrote: »
    ladies, need some advice on a man ive been seeing for seven months. he was fantastic at first and helped me get over my ex partner who i was with for 6 years. Hes your everyday guy, hes not a romantic or a charmer hes just a handsome nice guy who i got on really well with. sex was great. but in the past two weeks we have started arguing alot about silly things and sex has almost stopped.
    trying to make a long story short here but yet dont want leave details out so i can get my whole point across.
    it first started to go wrong when i saw he had sent flirty texts to one of his friends. i confronted him about it and he said sorry that he knew it was silly and he wouldnt do it again. i let it slip. but then when he started ditching our plans to hang out with her and his friends , i started to get kinda mad, but didnt say much. One day i also saw him text the same friend, when he was with me, lying to her saying he wasnt? he made up some silly excuse about he was meant to go do something for her but came to me instead. it wasnt untill he had ditched our plans again for his friends that i got mad, why was he lying to them when he was with me yet then ditching me instead of telling them he had plans.
    now i do understand that we need our time with our friends but i just wish he would get his plans in order he seems to say yes to everyone and then someone is always left dissapointed( usually me )
    just to clarify, im 23 and hes 27, and when he ditches me it for some silly thing like playing video games to driving around in their cars?
    im not sure what to do at this moment because im really ready to settle and give him my all but at the same time i dont want to have to put with this ??
    am i overreacting ? or am i right to be mad at his immaturity?? im not sure what to do.

    Well to be fair if he's ditching his girlfriend to go and play video games it doesn't seem like he,s to fussed on his girlfriend. Taking you for granted a bit it sounds like. Sorry to sound so cold but there's no point beating round the bush. You deserve more than that. And as far as his nonsense tales of texts and plans, lies in there somewhere?. If he is lying your better of out of it. Have a break see how he responds, give him a bit of time to get his priorities straight it'll tell you all you need to know also. That for sure. I know I sound cold but I'm a voice of experience. Take care.


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    #10
    tantan10
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12 ✭tantan10


    Taking a break to get his priorities in.order does sound like a good idea. Thank you. Deep down I do feel I am being a bit of a 'fool in love'


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    #11
    tantan10
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12 ✭tantan10


    Taking a break to get his priorities in.order does sound like a good idea. Thank you. Deep down I do feel I am being a bit of a 'fool in love'


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    #12
    Cerveja69
    Site Banned Posts: 65 ✭✭Cerveja69


    Claire Byrne wrote: »
    Oh your relationship sounds exactly like mine .. and I've been it it for 5 years ! I've learned u can't change a man , u just can't .....
    By the sounds of it and I mean this in the nicest possible way you sound like myself a fool in love .... chasing after him and caring that's the prob women care to much !!!!!!!!!
    I've recently tried this thing where I dnt care as much and even if I do I try let on like I don't !!!
    I dunno if it's working or not but worth a try eh ???

    I don't really think you're a good person to take advice from Claire given your recent posts.
    Also, you said in a post in 2013 that you'd been with your bf for 2 years and now in 2014, a year later making it 3 years, you claim to be with him 5 years. It doesn't add up or make any sense. You're a complete doormat.

    Pretending not to care when really you do and encouraging others to do the same is ludicrous. If you're in a relationship that's so unhealthy you have to ignore issues and feign happiness then you really need to cop on and get some self respect.

    Talk to your bf OP, simple as that. Last thing you should do is listen to advice from Claire Byrne (who incidentally I don't believe is a genuine poster and I really hope I'm right about that or I fear for womankind).


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    #13
    Merkin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    He doesn't sound all that pushed. I think it's great that he's independent and wants to go off and do stuff but the repeated lies and always putting others first suggests that you're not so high on his list of priorities. Immediately preceding this relationship you were with someone for six years and now you've conceded that you're ready to be serious and settle down. YOU ARE 23! :eek: Go and have some adventures and stop looking towards third parties for fulfilment, go and enjoy yourself.


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    #14
    Flippyfloppy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,748 ✭✭✭Flippyfloppy


    tantan10 wrote: »
    ladies, need some advice on a man ive been seeing for seven months. he was fantastic at first and helped me get over my ex partner who i was with for 6 years. Hes your everyday guy, hes not a romantic or a charmer hes just a handsome nice guy who i got on really well with. sex was great. but in the past two weeks we have started arguing alot about silly things and sex has almost stopped.

    .

    Based on your first paragraph alone (everything else is just filler or consequence) i think it seems like your relationship after 7 months should be moving on to the next stage, but it's unable for whatever reason, most likely because it's not meant to.

    Maybe you both want to hang on, but no point in forcing it like a train wreck. There's lying already, why is he telling his friends he's not with you?? It is important to have his own interests but if you never feel like a priority and never have that's not a good sign.

    You asked about going on a break? I find that's a very immature way to deal with things. From my experience breaks are only deemed necessary in very rocky relationships (& usually those in the early 20's) and even then I don't know what it's meant to achieve. Relationships are meant to be about loving someone, caring about them and all the sweetness and mutual respect that goes with it. Not about saying 'I really want to be with you but I have to not see you for a while, I want to see if missing you solves anything, because I can't think of anything else'

    Problems should be sorted through together, as a couple, which is why everyone always bangs on about communication being key because it is.

    You, like Claire Byrne, both sound like nice girls. I hope you both break up with these guys, spend some time finding out what it is you enjoy and what you want in a relationship. (Clue- go for sweet,kind,nice,romantic men they do exist!!) don't settle down because it's the done thing and become anyone's doormat


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    #15
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Cerveja69 wrote: »
    I don't really think you're a good person to take advice from Claire given your recent posts.
    Also, you said in a post in 2013 that you'd been with your bf for 2 years and now in 2014, a year later making it 3 years, you claim to be with him 5 years. It doesn't add up or make any sense. You're a complete doormat.

    Pretending not to care when really you do and encouraging others to do the same is ludicrous. If you're in a relationship that's so unhealthy you have to ignore issues and feign happiness then you really need to cop on and get some self respect.

    Talk to your bf OP, simple as that. Last thing you should do is listen to advice from Claire Byrne (who incidentally I don't believe is a genuine poster and I really hope I'm right about that or I fear for womankind).

    Cerveja69, its not permitted to take potshots at other posters. If you have an issue with a post, or poster, report the post and let the mods deal with it.
    The beauty of this forum is that differing advice can be offered to the OP, and it is up to the OP to decide what advice they consider to be useful or not.

    Please review the charter before posting again.


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    #16
    rainbowtrout
    Registered Users Posts: 15,381 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    tantan10 wrote: »
    ladies, need some advice on a man ive been seeing for seven months. he was fantastic at first and helped me get over my ex partner who i was with for 6 years. Hes your everyday guy, hes not a romantic or a charmer hes just a handsome nice guy who i got on really well with. sex was great. but in the past two weeks we have started arguing alot about silly things and sex has almost stopped.
    trying to make a long story short here but yet dont want leave details out so i can get my whole point across.
    it first started to go wrong when i saw he had sent flirty texts to one of his friends. i confronted him about it and he said sorry that he knew it was silly and he wouldnt do it again. i let it slip. but then when he started ditching our plans to hang out with her and his friends , i started to get kinda mad, but didnt say much. One day i also saw him text the same friend, when he was with me, lying to her saying he wasnt? he made up some silly excuse about he was meant to go do something for her but came to me instead. it wasnt untill he had ditched our plans again for his friends that i got mad, why was he lying to them when he was with me yet then ditching me instead of telling them he had plans.
    now i do understand that we need our time with our friends but i just wish he would get his plans in order he seems to say yes to everyone and then someone is always left dissapointed( usually me )
    just to clarify, im 23 and hes 27, and when he ditches me it for some silly thing like playing video games to driving around in their cars?
    im not sure what to do at this moment because im really ready to settle and give him my all but at the same time i dont want to have to put with this ??
    am i overreacting ? or am i right to be mad at his immaturity?? im not sure what to do.

    The bit I've highlighted tantan10....is this part of the problem??

    While you might not be happy that he likes to spend time playing video games etc, you said he helped you get over your 6 year relationship. Is this guy realistically just a rebound, he was different from your ex so different was fine but now that the dust has settled things that you perhaps overlooked in the early stages are things that are starting to annoy you?

    Not saying all his actions are excusable but also maybe he doesn't want to move into serious relationship mode as much as you. How long was the gap between your 6 year relationship and this one. I can't imagine it was too long given your age, maybe you need a bit of time alone.


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    #17
    groucho marx
    Registered Users Posts: 1,556 ✭✭✭groucho marx


    Id be worried about the lying to female frend aspect. Sounds like he wants to seem to her like he is still single. I dont know why else he wouldnt just say I am here with op.
    Good luck op.


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    #18
    tantan10
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12 ✭tantan10


    I'm kinda sad to say we have broken up! I tried and tired and then realised I was the only one who was trying! I guess sometimes you just have to forget what you feel and think about what you deserve... Thank.you all.for.your advice!


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    #19
    Thoie
    Registered Users Posts: 6,344 ✭✭✭Thoie


    tantan10 wrote: »
    I'm kinda sad to say we have broken up! I tried and tired and then realised I was the only one who was trying! I guess sometimes you just have to forget what you feel and think about what you deserve... Thank.you all.for.your advice!

    Chin up. It sucks right now, and you'll question your own decision on and off, but I really think you did the right thing, based on your earlier post. Use the time to get to know you, learn what you like, what you're looking for, and develop some hobbies of your own.


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