Heartbroken and facing a Really difficult decision

heartbroken · 01-06-2014 5:24am #1

I face a really difficult decision and have no one to turn too, to be honest I have not had it easy in life but I have always picked myself up and done something about it.
This time however and for the first time I am utterly lost. I have quite felt this empty in my life before.

Would you if the below happen to you still work on the relationship ?
Ill start at the start and I am sorry for the long post

I have been married nearly 12 year and I have two kids aged 2.5 and 4 and love my wife to bits, she has informed me however she does not love me and has pretended to love for the past 2 years and effectively kicked me out.

15th of May:
My wife after shopping with friends came home and informed me she no longer loved me, our marriage is over and she wants me to leave the home.
She said she wanted a trial separation so she can have tine to think. However surprisingly I did not argue with her I think sock and that we have the kids in the house.

16/17th of May:
My wife tells me that it not a trial but would be permanent and that I am not giving her enough room in the house and should try to live separately as much as possible. All I could utter was that I loved her with all my heart and would like to work on any issues.

18th of May.
My wife make it clear she can not live with me anymore (She in different words said she can't stand me to be around her) and that I need to leave the house as soon as possible. I don't want to leave the house but I do not want to affect the kids and also as a man if I don't it might look bad later on if anything is claimed later. (No nothing happened !) After 12 years I got a bag of cloths and kissed the kids goodbye. As I have no one to turn too I ended up renting a room at a house across town so at least I do not have to sleep in the car.

She agrees to meet with me on Friday the 23rd and arrange a sitter for the kids so we can discuss the situation.

19th - 22rd of May.
On Tuesday my son has a weekly appointment for the speech therapist and I take him and so I did again. (Yes I pay for this) On Thursday my daughter had her first meeting at "big school" so I took her to this. On Thursday my wife informed me she had little to no funds and so I took her shopping for the house and the kids.

Each day I dropped by in the morning and walked the dog before work as the dog is too large for my wife to walk. And In the afternoons I watched the kids between 5 and 6 as there is a gap between the Nanny and my wife getting home. I also emptied the bins for her as requested and cut the bushes in the back garden (Please someone tell me that there is something wrong me)

23rd of May:
She cancels the previously agreed meeting with me.

24th of May: (Saturday)
I looked after the kids, taking my daughter to swimming lessons in the morning and both of them out for the afternoon as my wife wants a break.

25th of May:
I looked after the kids so my wife can have the house to herself.

26th of May:
I asked my wife if she was sure that it's was over and she informed me that there is nothing to work on as she does not love me and also she has not loved me for the past two years and has just been pretending as it was beatifically for her lifestyle and the kids.

I after speaking to my solicitor I filled with the family court clerk a Custody, Access, Guardianship case. It will be heard in September this year.
I also rented a suitable accommodation 2 bed house and furnished it for the kids. Move in is upcoming Friday.

27th of May:
I find out that she has been telling the relatives that I left her, I suppose I did but I was told to leave it's not fair.

My wife then sends me an email saying that she wants me to move back in

Quote" you can move back into the house whenever you're ready. I can see now that financially we can't live in separate houses, and also I can't manage the house on my own as you pointed out. (although for the record I did not appreciate you trying to force yourself back into the house like that for the sake of the kids but we will no longer be in a relationship).

I emailed back only stating that I never in 12 years ever had or would use any force against her. I also informed her that I had visited the local Garda station and handed them the keys following her email and informed the Garda of the complaint she made.

My wife then emails that her words were poorly picked and she did not mean force at all. The email says on the one hand says that I was pushing the situation and on the other hand that she will work on her anger towards me. She also says I have been civil towards her in the reply and that contradicts what she said before.

quote:

Look, I didn't mean to imply any kind of physical force, I meant you were trying to push the situation.
I realise it would be very difficult for you to live here, and it would be for me too, but I still think it's the right thing to do for the kids. Kids are really suffering with you not here.
If we give each other lots of space I'm sure we can manage to be civil. We were able to do that until this morning. You can't just make a snap decision based on one email, life doesn't work like that, it's not all black and white.

I can't move out of this place, everything is more expensive that's even remotely close to the school. I don't drive so can't go further out. It's 1050 for the house, plus utilities, plus shopping. Then childcare on top, there is no way I can do this. I don't see how you would be able to do it either, paying for the car and the pets, even if you find a lower rent place.

I'm begging you, please reconsider. I've been all over the place these last few weeks, not just you. You're not the only one who has learnt new information about the other person, so yeah, I've been angry, and probably not thinking straight. But I do know I don't have any options at the moment - this is it. Stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I'll work on my anger towards you, I'll see a counselor, but we need to make living in the same house work. Please reconsider.

28th of May:
She got the notification from the court clerk and also leaned I had rented a place. On top of this her funds have now run dry. I stopped visiting the house and informed her "I don't live there so you need to maintain it/run it not me"

29th of May:
She tells me she does feel for me and would like to indeed work on the relationship.

Leading up to all this:
4-8 weeks before we made our holiday break plans for the two of us to Portugal, family day trips in the rest of Ireland, plans to visit family members who live in Holland for two weeks all for the summer and a short hop over to England . We also bought a new washing machine and were looking at buying a 2nd car.

The truth is I primarily spend my time during the week with the kids, and work nights and weekends as I work from home, in recent months I have been working very long hours 60-90 hours per week as we needed the additional funds to pay off a few things and to set ourselves up for the summer plans. I also worked all the holidays without rest. After the long winter being stuck indoors with the kids I do get snappy at times with her I must admit I am not perfect. She works 40 hours per week and looks after the kids in the evenings and weekends. I do the bulk of the housework myself during the week and shopping in the weekend. We daytime have help from a nanny at the house for the kids I admit.

However she is right I do shout at time. The week before the end so to speak as example she has been trying to get her driving learners license sorted for the past year. It's nightmare and NDLS take the pi*s. Anyhow I started to push her into going down to NDLS to get the learners permit as her theory cert will expire if she doe not and a few weeks ago on the 3rd attempt we ended up driving to trim on Saturday morning at 9 am and after sitting in the car with two screaming kids she finally had it sorted. We had a walk around trim for 30-40 min after that before driving back, we then cleaned the house / cooked and I did the shopping.

After the kids went to bed I told her that I needed a break I am tired and I really needed a break even if it's just for a day. She informed me that I had had a nice day today.
I fully blew my lid and snapped and shouted at her that cleaning the house and running her around to trim and back because of her not sorting her sh*t was not a break but a ff nightmare for me.

She says I am a good father but bad husband and that I shout at her and am not very nice at times. My issues are that I am just tired and need more support and less working hours. I need her to be working more with me and more fair.
So she has been out shopping or girls night out 5 times in the past 6 weeks. I have been out 1 x in 3 month from the house and just needed a break.

I feel like she is treating me as a maid and likes the lifestyle and as heartbroken as I am still love her (I can't turn that off overnight)

I could let her move into the new house but I would keep all the paperwork on my name
(If she does it again she can f-off then and I have security) my heart wants to try but my mind is telling me it time to let it go as I will be exposing both myself and the kids to a relationship that is poisonous and bad for us and a huge risk.

Lou.m · 01-06-2014 5:40am

Ok there is a lot of info there and a lot for people to take in.

First I am sorry this is happening.

Did you try counseling at any point?

Did you try having an agreed contract for what you expect of each other?Did you agree officially on what you expected from one another?

You both sound stressed as ****.

I think you should address the fact that you are not expressing anger in a healthy way. You need to admit and change it not excuse it.

You are putting material things ahead of your relationship.

Summer plans etc are NOT WORTH IT.

If having to make enough money to fund a certain lifestyle is putting strain on your relationship you should give up that material stuff !!

You would be less stressed.

Buying stuff is not important...it's STUFF.

She probably does not realize that you feeling you must provide this stuff for her is putting stress on you and making you narky and in return making you difficult to live with because you have to work long hrs etc.

I think you will regret putting a lifestyle above the relationship in years to come. I think you will see that if you had not put as much pressure on yourselves you would have had more energy and less negativity.

I think you need to keep your calm as this is getting out of control.

Get into structured counseling. Even if you are not staying together you will need it.

R.D. aka MR.D · 01-06-2014 5:57am

Do you want to be with some one who only wants you for your money because that's what it sounds like.

She wanted to end the marriage because she stopped loving you but then found out that she needs money so decides to let you back into her life.
She told lies about what happened and then back pedaled big time.
Is that what you deserve?

You guys can try counselling but I would keep your new house and the custody case open until you know for sure that you have a marriage and not a sham based on financial circumstances.

Loveless marriages have a negative influence on kids, imo.

ABajaninCork · 01-06-2014 7:21pm

I agree with R.D. I think your wife thinks the marriage is over, but financially, she can't cope.

I also agree with Lou.m - stop focusing on things for the house. It's not important. Your sanity and that of your family are paramount, and that's what you should be giving your full attention to. Leave out the summer plans too. Days out and holidays when the marriage is rocky is asking for trouble. I think you're better off keeping the status quo and keeping up your own place. At least until you can sort yourselves out and really decide what you want and what's best for your family.

I'd also let the court case go through. I don't see the point in stopping proceedings if you don't know what the long-term plans are.

Hope it works for you.

Jenneke87 · 01-06-2014 9:13pm

Serval times while reading your posts I was floored. Your wife treats you like a mealticket! Hey, I don't love you anymore, but now, after a few weeks of living alone I find out I cannot financially cope without you. Will you please move back in to make it more easy for me?

Her finances, her issue. Go to counselling if you think your marriage can be salvaged, but right now, from everything I read, she wants to have her cake and eat it, not being in a marriage with you, but you paying for everything anyway. There are plenty of other ways she could have handled this, instead she choose to treat her husband of 12 years appalingly and that should not be taken lightly. If I were you, I could never forgive her for this.

I wish you the best of luck.

December2012 · 01-06-2014 10:43pm

Here's your basic decision right now :-

"Do you try right now to work on your marraige or not?"

Marraige breakdown is usually a cumulative problem. There can be a combination of issues - from your personality, from hers, and external issues.

In my view, the only thing that you can do to help your marraige is to go to a marraige counsellor to talk out your problems.

And see how you get on then.

heartbroken · 01-06-2014 11:19pm

Hi Lou.m; R.D. aka MR.D ; ABajaninCork ; Jenneke87.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply.
With regards to the counseling when I first asked her to go to marriage and individual counseling she said no as there is nothing for her to work on.

She has since changed her mind and want to do this and says her initial reaction and calling the marriage to an end was out of anger and she had expected me to take it seriously but had not expected me to leave when asked/told to do so.

To be honest I have never known my wife to lie in 12 years but this was I could tell was a lie.

Ill be honest I have a feeling that after the birth of our son 2,5 years ago things went down hill. My wife was made redundant and she lost her social contacts and friends. It took her a year to get back into work and has changed jobs 3 times since as the work is not the best and to be honest she is (was) a very talented professional. She seems disengaged from me and the kids and I have been wondering if she is not suffering from post natal depression. She seems more focused on her

I have decided that no matter what for the kids sake I am moving into the new home on Friday I have to move ahead for them and provide for them.
I picked up the new beds from Ikea earlier today Also no matter what I will go ahead now with the custody hearing. As for the old house there are no bills / rent on my name it's all in her name so no immediate problems for me with that.

As for custody it's rare for a father to get main custody in Ireland over kids but I hope that with being able to show I have the means and I always have been the main carer for the kids so this go towards my skills as a home maker to care for them I hope that I will get at least legally the Primary day to day care over the kids to provide them with stability.

As for my Wife, after speaking to her over the past 48 hours as she now wants to talk (Of course) I truly believe she has had some kind of mental snap or breakdown. She does not seem upset but more desperate and angry. Anger is to be expected but this is that cold and emotionless angry. No raised voices or tears just cold and a nearly bitter angry from her side. (It's really weird and slightly concerning to see her like this as we were only a few weeks ago still hugging and loving towards each other)

Despite what I need to do for the kids and myself I will have to at some stage at least make sure she get's help. After 12 years I can't just walk away without making sure that she is getting help. My solicitor is against this but if it's truly turns out that this is something caused my mental illness I can't just walk away. I promised 12 years ago when we got married that it's was also for during sickness.

The marriage might be over but after I get the kids and myself settled making sure she goes and get's help is the least I can do after 12 years.

Thanks for listing.

December2012 · 01-06-2014 11:33pm

Does that mean that you feel the marriage is over?

heartbroken · 01-06-2014 11:45pm

Hi December2012,

Well it takes two to make a marriage work,so she started by stating that we had nothing to work on as she has not loved me for at least 2 years and has been pretending for the kids & lifestyle.

For myself I love her with all my heart and I lost my best friend when she ended it.
I still love her deeply and can not turn that off.

i never in my life loved someone like i love her, but love is sometimes not enough and one sided love is empty and will defiantly not be enough. Unless she loves me it can't work, I can't force her to love me, and keeping her in some wired stay together for the kids just would be wrong for the kids and ourselfs.

I think it's over not that I want it to be.

Regads
Heartbroken.

December2012 · 02-06-2014 12:03am

You don't want it to be over.
She doesn't want it to be over.

You wanted to go to marraige counselling before
She now wants to go to marraige counselling.

So why don't you do that? Pride and haste won't help.

heartbroken · 02-06-2014 12:38am

Hi December2012,

Thanks for the reply.

I think though that counseling will not make her love me, and I have seen loveless marriages and that is not something I would wish for anyone.

So as sad as it is and as much as I do not wish it to be I have come to conclusion in the past 24 hours, as they have been very enlightening for me that based on what she has said and done it's over. My love is not enough it has to be two way street for a relationship to work.

Ill be honest I have not shared the full story there is more that I can not post.
To put it this way she has been discovering herself, see I married her when she was very young so I do have some level of understanding why this is.

Regards

heartbroken.

Queen-Mise · 02-06-2014 12:55am

heartbroken wrote: »

Hi December2012,

Well it takes two to make a marriage work,so she started by stating that we had nothing to work on as she has not loved me for at least 2 years and has been pretending for the kids & lifestyle.

For myself I love her with all my heart and I lost my best friend when she ended it.
I still love her deeply and can not turn that off.

Don't take some of the stuff your wife says too seriously. From what you are telling us about your wife that at the moment, she doesn't know her ar*se from her elbow. She is confused and messed up.

You may well be right, it could be post-natal, mixed with losing her job, all her support from her old work colleagues being gone. And of course she is taking out the hurt on those closest to her - which is you basically. It doesn't matter that this isn't ideal, you hurt those closest to you, not the neighbour down the street or the shop assistant.

These are my thoughts: Separate, live in different houses.
Stay faithful to each other.
Share the childcare whatever way suits best.
Both of you go to counselling, and also go to marriage counselling.
Also see if you can find a family mediator for sorting out a lot of this stuff, if it gets nasty, you solicitor does separations not conciliations. Their philosophy will be different to a mediator or a family counsellor.
Ask your wife if she would go to a doctor and see if he/she thinks there is depression there and get that looked after if so.
Scale back on all non-essentials. Take the pressure off the finances.
When the eldest child goes to school probably this September that will be another lessening in financial costs.

Most importantly - presumably you have a years lease on the house. Use the year to sort out the marriage and both of you also. Work on all the stuff that has came up in the past number of weeks.

And finally start to date your wife again. Go for coffees, a walk, cinema, meal - go once or twice a week. All very, very slow.

If the two of you get through this, you will have a much stronger, more honest marriage for it.

cassy1970 · 02-06-2014 8:40am

Having recently seperated I think I have a bit of experience to advise you.
Firstly blaming post natal depression on your marriage breakdown is a cop out.
It broke down because life took over. Children put huge pressure on relationship. You worked crazy hours... admirable but the relationship suffered.

Right so we are where we are. For you to have jumped so quickly to get solicitors involved is questionable. For you to reach any sort of amicable solution either way this will not help. It stops direct communicaton and just creates hugh legal fees. And why would u want a judge to decide whats best for your family. .. he doesnt know your situation wont take it all in at hearing. You may only get every second wkend if your wife decides to play dirty too.

Right now u are guessing that its over because of post natal depression.... probably not but may be a factor. The only way to find out is to go to councelling. You owe this to your children as it will teach you both how to communicate. You may hear some things that hurt but its a time of self learning.

My marriage still ended but we put our children as the centre focus and their best interests first. They still love us both. We went to mediation to discuss how best to work out the visitation... and its working. They see us both and often together. They dont see bitterness or fighting because thats when their little lives are effected. Why would you want to do that to them

You are only at the start of this journey and believe me you are still in the shock phase and lashing out. You need to take time and stop rushing things. Please do the councelling... marriage is a 50 /50 thing and somehow you werent meeting needs..... even though you were doing your best.

Put your children first. They love their mother and you. They need you both np matter what. How you decide to handle this will have an impact on the rest of their lives. Communication is key either for reconciliation or break up.

levi12 · 02-06-2014 11:46am

My first instinct ...and im sorry to say it....ur wife is panicking and has realised how much u do ..physically emotionally and financially.

I would say if u go back now u wont trust her and ye will destroy each other. Resentment wil kick in and ye will just make everything worse.

if u want to try again. Start at the start. Counselling is a must....u need a lot of answers from her....a lot. A woman doesnt just head out on a date with a new guy.....theres time and reason for that. If ye can work through that and then u find each other again....then u consider trying again.

u deserve better

and ur babies definitely do.

I speak from the heart....a womans heart

Midnight Sundance · 02-06-2014 11:57am

Queen-Mise wrote: »

Don't take some of the stuff your wife says too seriously. From what you are telling us about your wife that at the moment, she doesn't know her ar*se from her elbow. She is confused and messed up.

You may well be right, it could be post-natal, mixed with losing her job, all her support from her old work colleagues being gone. And of course she is taking out the hurt on those closest to her - which is you basically. It doesn't matter that this isn't ideal, you hurt those closest to you, not the neighbour down the street or the shop assistant.

These are my thoughts: Separate, live in different houses.
Stay faithful to each other.
Share the childcare whatever way suits best.
Both of you go to counselling, and also go to marriage counselling.
Also see if you can find a family mediator for sorting out a lot of this stuff, if it gets nasty, you solicitor does separations not conciliations. Their philosophy will be different to a mediator or a family counsellor.
Ask your wife if she would go to a doctor and see if he/she thinks there is depression there and get that looked after if so.
Scale back on all non-essentials. Take the pressure off the finances.
When the eldest child goes to school probably this September that will be another lessening in financial costs.

Most importantly - presumably you have a years lease on the house. Use the year to sort out the marriage and both of you also. Work on all the stuff that has came up in the past number of weeks.

And finally start to date your wife again. Go for coffees, a walk, cinema, meal - go once or twice a week. All very, very slow.

If the two of you get through this, you will have a much stronger, more honest marriage for it.

I think this is the best advice you can receive.
Best of luck with whatever you choose to do!!

Curry Addict · 02-06-2014 9:32pm

its a really horrible situation for you OP and grossly unfair.
i think you have managed the situation amazingly well. you have made great decisions all the way and i would trust your gut feeling on how to progress. do what you think is right for you and I hope it works out in the end.

LegacyUser · 03-06-2014 11:01am

Hey OP,

Really feel for you but honestly regretfully I would advise you to try and distance yourself from this situation...

Sometimes once certain things are said - they can never be "unsaid"

No matter what happens from here on - you will always know your wife said she didn't love you for two years, you will always know it was financial issues that changed her mind and you will carry it but your children will feel it.

My father and mother had some similar issues.

My mum didn't work and spent her life meeting friends and shopping, we had childminders during the day and I still remember looking forward to my dad getting home at night. I never remember my parents being close, I never noticed either as this was what I was learning about love. There was always a tension between them but again, to me, this was normal, this was all I ever knew.

When I turned 19 and announced I was moving to Dublin to study and my sister had already moved out - literally within one month my parents separated, my dad was devastated, my mum relieved - all of this "keeping it together for the kids" was a time bomb and my mum exploded and all of a sudden became this really happy woman who I had never known, she'd always been snappy and my dad was very passive. My dad eventually moved on and has a new lease of life with his new partner. My mum moved on too but her partner has since passed on. Either way, they both were ultimately happier in the long run

Both myself and my sister have felt enormous guilt that we somehow contributed to the prolonging of this agony and neither of us really have managed to secure any sort of healthy relationship (we're both in our 30's now)

Basically, we'd both have been so much better off if they had just split up and got away from each other become these happy fulfilled people they were meant to be when we were kids and demonstrated the importance of self-happiness. Not just conforming for society's sake.

This is just my experience, I wish you the best.

heartbroken · 08-06-2014 10:04pm

Hi All,

Sorry for not responding to all the posts, I was offline during the move to the new place on Thursday / Friday and this is the first 10 mins that I have had a chance to sit down and turn on the PC.

I did read all of your posts and thank you all for taking the time to reply your advise seemed all very much from the heart.

The new house BTW is great and the kids love it, it's in Dunboyne and it's a great location for the kids and reminds me of the village that I grew up in myself. I have to admit Saturday I took the kids for a walk down to the local playground and for a few moments I totally forgot about all the "problems" from the last few weeks.

To be honest I am not sure what I am going to do next and that's life right, I mean most of us never really do, but I do know that within a short time frame I did the most important thing I could I have moved myself and my kids into what will be a more secure, better and peaceful environment and household.

Kind regards

Heartbroken

levi12 · 09-06-2014 10:47pm

I have thought about you and im so glad u feel u have taken a positive step....onwards and upwards. Remember even when ur standing still, you're moving.....so u might as well move forward ;-)

levi12 · 09-06-2014 10:49pm

I have thought about you and im so glad u feel u have taken a positive step....onwards and upwards. Remember even when ur standing still, you're moving.....so u might as well move forward ;-)

heartbroken · 24-07-2014 4:33pm

So thank you for all the support guys and I thought I owed you at least a brief update on how things have got on:

I rented a new house.
We went to marriage counseling, after the 1st session the counselor called and said they would be available if i needed to talk however would not be able to assist us as a couple.

My wife could not cope with the kids so I took them in and my wife of course.
She then broke up with me again a week after moving in and is leaving me with the kids. (I love them and want the kids so it's hard but okay)

I crashed my car 3 times within two week, it's ruined the good thing is only I was hurt thankfully.
The replacement car was no good and the papers were fake so I got scammed, and then had to buy a 3rd car.
I broke my tooth in half eating a cookie and spent 3 days in pain.
The bank made a mistake and my account was shut down for 3 weeks.
My grandmother has become ill.
My other grandmother had to be taken into a care home.
My father had a 2nd heart attack
My wife became violent throw a punch but i moved, she instead hit the door and busted her hand. I called the cops and reported it.
My work announced reviews and downsizing.
With all the costs from the past 6 weeks I have a huge debts I will be paying back for years to come.

All in all a busy few weeks.
The funny thing or fully mad is I pray that she find her happiness.

WinnyThePoo · 24-07-2014 4:52pm

That's horrible luck!

I wish you the best!

ABajaninCork · 24-07-2014 5:02pm

Oh my goodness, you've really been through the mill! I am so sorry things have gone so wrong for you.

Look - you're in one piece. You've got your health. You've got your kids and somewhere safe to put them. I hope your father and grandparents soon enjoy better health.

The only way is up!! Keep punching OP - Things will turn around.

heartbroken · 24-07-2014 6:31pm

Thanks guys, appreciate it.

Funk It · 24-07-2014 7:08pm

Really wish you a better run of luck, seem like a good man. Wish you all the best.

Funk It · 24-07-2014 7:09pm

CaraMay · 24-07-2014 10:24pm

But you have the kids yippee

Formalise that arrangement ASAP

Eeden · 24-07-2014 10:43pm

Try not to get sucked back into the drama, if you can. Hope your luck improves.

wisewitch00 · 25-07-2014 9:54am

Aww I feel for your situation but I think your marriage is over as hard as that is to accept but your wife is totally being selfish here your finances for your kids are whats important but you are not responsible for her upkeep anymore she lost that right when she choose to end your marriage its no different then a man not married who has kids he is responsible for helping pay for his kids but not the mother I would put a plan in place of what you will contribute towards the kids upkeep but as far as your wife she is responsible for herself

Heartbroken and facing a Really difficult decision

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