Marry and stay overseas or return home?

Oafster · 15-07-2014 11:50pm #1

Hi all,
I'm probably gonna get an earful for posting my problem as I know I have it good but I'm lying awake nights worrying about this and don't feel that I can talk to any of my friends about it.

I moved to canada 2 yrs ago for a job. I initially intended it to be a temporary thing - maybe stay two yrs, put a bit of money in the bank and then move home - but there were times when I thought maybe I should stay permanently given all the dire news coming out of Ireland.

I'm in my late thirties and single, female, so the clock is ticking and all that and I do want to have a family. Anyway about a yr ago I started thinking more seriously about moving home. I found I wasn't getting over the homesickness, was finding it hard to meet people I connect with here, and this is a fairly transitory place anyway - people come and go as their jobs change. Made contact with a potential employer in Dublin and they confirmed that I'd have good job prospects in my field if I decided to come back.

Shortly after that I met a guy here. He's great and it's the best relationship I've had in a long time. The first six months were a whirlwind. But still, at the back of my mind is that feeling that I don't belong here, I have no family here, and I just can't see myself ever feeling like I belong. I feel very isolated tbh. The guy I met has family here but he's very self sufficient and doesn't seem to have the same network around him that i'd have at home.

He's made it clear he's planning to propose - a few months ago I was sure I wanted to marry him but now all the doubts have set in. I don't want to be stuck here and I think I'll only feel worse if we have kids - I'll be aware that they're missing out on having their grandparents and uncles and aunts and cousins around them. He knows how I feel and says he'd move to Ireland with me for a few yrs but he has a good job here and I know he'd never match it in Ireland.

I don't know what to do. The thought of leaving him is awful but sometimes I think it would be a short-term pain to avoid longer-term pain.

With all the emigration going on I feel like there must be others out there in the same position. Does anyone have any advice to help me resolve this dilemma?

Maurice Greene. · 15-07-2014 11:59pm

Speaking from a man's perspective, I guess that your love is for him is not strong enough. If you love someone, you would want to be with them no matter what so I'd say end it with him before its too late, otherwise you could ruin both your lives in the long run.

CaraMay · 16-07-2014 12:09am

Let him move in a few years. The market will have improved. Dont give up this chance when there is a compromise available!!! Why are you creating problems op.

Maurice Greene. · 16-07-2014 12:16am

To be honest if I were him and I knew you wrote the above about avoiding long term pain by ending it, I would end it first.
Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Karen8 · 16-07-2014 12:23am

If the only problem to move to Ireland is his job you can move to UK - better job opportunities for him and closer to Ireland. With today's prices for flights it's not a big deal.
Don't leave him if you are happy together. All problems are resolvable with time, great relationship is worth a try.

Oafster · 16-07-2014 12:23am

Maurice Greene. wrote: »

To be honest if I were him and I knew you wrote the above about avoiding long term pain by ending it, I would end it first.
Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Yeah, it is a bit harsh. So are you saying you'd be willing to do anything it takes for the right relationship? Move away from your family, face the possibility of having to watch your parents funeral on Skype, live in a place where you're not happy and have views that differ radically from the locals? Your wife is a lucky woman but I think for most of us things aren't so black and white.

Merkin · 16-07-2014 12:29am

I think if you loved him you wouldn't really be giving these reservations as much airtime. There are a myriad of ways to work around your concerns and if you love each other you'll make it work come hell or high water. I think the suggestion about moving to the UK is a very good one.

Oafster · 16-07-2014 12:30am

Karen8 wrote: »

If the only problem to move to Ireland is his job you can move to UK - better job opportunities for him and closer to Ireland. With today's prices for flights it's not a big deal.
Don't leave him if you are happy together. All problems are resolvable with time, great relationship is worth a try.

Thanks Karen8. I suppose I feel like it's really selfish of me to ask him to move at all. I'd be asking him to give up all the things I miss so that I could have them back - family and being at home etc. although I honestly think many men don't care as much about those things as women do. Like I said, he's way more self sufficient than me.

Maurice Greene. · 16-07-2014 12:34am

Oafster wrote: »

Yeah, it is a bit harsh. So are you saying you'd be willing to do anything it takes for the right relationship? Move away from your family, face the possibility of having to watch your parents funeral on Skype, live in a place where you're not happy and have views that differ radically from the locals? Your wife is a lucky woman but I think for most of us things aren't so black and white.

Sounds like you have already made your mind up.
Yes, I would do anything for the right woman, if she really wanted me too.

LegacyUser · 16-07-2014 2:20am

I have to be honest here your making excuses. Life is never going to be perfect in every way. You now in your late 30's and you have met a man who wants to propose to you. He has told you he would move to Ireland in a few years time but you have told us he won't get a good job here.

Ask yourself which is more important - that you move back to Ireland to be near family and friends after being told you have a chance for getting a job in your work area or the chance for you to have a family.

Yes you could move back to Ireland and get a job but in 5 or 10 years time you could be still be single and be childless.

If your oh is willing to move to Ireland in a few years time why not look into any further qualifications he could get to help him get work in Ireland or the uk in say the next 5 to 8 years. Also in next few years thing could be better job wise for you both in Ireland.

CaraMay · 16-07-2014 2:57am

Oafster wrote: »

Yeah, it is a bit harsh. So are you saying you'd be willing to do anything it takes for the right relationship? Move away from your family, face the possibility of having to watch your parents funeral on Skype, live in a place where you're not happy and have views that differ radically from the locals? Your wife is a lucky woman but I think for most of us things aren't so black and white.

Why would he have to watch a funeral on Skype if he has such a good job????

You Seem to be looking for issues.

stargazer 68 · 16-07-2014 9:53am

OP I lived abroad for many years - both my children were raised overseas. My parents and family came to visit regularly and we came home regularly. However I always felt I was missing out on family occasions - when you see pics of Mothers Day lunches and birthday parties etc that you weren't at it makes you feel worse. However, I have been home for a few years now and trust me I realise I didn't really miss out on anything - it just seemed like it.

Dr. Greenthumb · 17-07-2014 9:31pm

Oafster wrote: »

Yeah, it is a bit harsh. So are you saying you'd be willing to do anything it takes for the right relationship? Move away from your family, face the possibility of having to watch your parents funeral on Skype, live in a place where you're not happy and have views that differ radically from the locals? Your wife is a lucky woman but I think for most of us things aren't so black and white.

C'mon OP, what do you think the majority of families are doing that emigrated from Ireland. They're no different, all living away from home, missing out on their family occasions etc. We're doing it for the good of our kids etc.

Your radically differing views with the locals? You're living in Canada not Saudi Arabia. You love the thought of living in Ireland more than him.

I agree with Maurice Greene, if you don't love him enough to make a sacrifice, that may be long or short term, let him move on and find someone that will.

thefeatheredcat · 18-07-2014 12:57am

Oafster wrote: »

I found I wasn't getting over the homesickness, was finding it hard to meet people I connect with here, and this is a fairly transitory place anyway - people come and go as their jobs change

Oafster wrote: »

I don't belong here, I have no family here, and I just can't see myself ever feeling like I belong. I feel very isolated tbh.

Oafster wrote: »

I don't want to be stuck here

OP are you happy at all where you are in Canada? Have you considered moving to other territories, cities, towns within Canada? Did you visit other places, see if anywhere gives you a feeling of connectedness? Where there is a community, a consistent regular workforce where you can find friends, establish a network, feel included and part of something? Would being with your boyfriend and moving to somewhere else be feasible options or something you would both be willing to explore? Have you had a holiday back to Ireland since you got to Canada? Would you consider visiting home and considering what you feel and establishing if you'd be the same way about Ireland while there as you do while in Canada?

Your boyfriend, if you married, would be your family, so would your future children. And so would friends you make over the next few years as life changes from being a single person, to being a married couple, to a couple with children where you can network through children's activities. As for being "stuck here", do you feel that way simply because of the locality you're in and the work, or is that what you feel about Canada in totality? If you were to stay yet never make effort to address feeling isolated, how is that going to make you, your future husband and future children feel? Would you resent them?

Oafster wrote: »

I'd be asking him to give up all the things I miss so that I could have them back - family and being at home etc.

Yet

Oafster wrote: »

The guy I met has family here but he's very self sufficient and doesn't seem to have the same network around him that i'd have at home.

Op he wouldn't be giving up a lot; if he's self sufficient he can manage fine without a network of family and friends.... that's probably why he is so prepared to move to Ireland if need be, for a few years. Is his lack of network an issue to you, even in terms of values?

Oafster wrote: »

He knows how I feel and says he'd move to Ireland with me for a few yrs but he has a good job here and I know he'd never match it in Ireland.

He may get a good job. There's no guarantee. And what would happen after a few years? Move back to Canada? Would you be prepared to move back, or would you be saying grand, yeah, we'll move back in 2/3 years time, but then when those 2/3 years draw to a close, are you going to be reluctant to leave Ireland, your family and friends, to live life with your husband and maybe a child back in Canada?

And then the grass is greener situation... ok you miss your friends and family here in Ireland. You're homesick. You feel like an outsider, can't make friends, don't feel part of things.... but what have you done to try and make it better for yourself? Have you looked beyond where you are for nicer parts of the country that make you feel at home? Have you got involved in the real community where you are? Have you visited home and seen friends and family since you left? Have you meaningful regular contact with all of your friends and family beyond facebook status updates, such as phone, email, letters, packages, skype, visits? You must absolutely bare in mind that while you've been homesick living in Canada, others will have moved on with their lives, so if you assume that if you moved back to Ireland you'd slot back to your normal Irish life with all your friends, I urge you to not expect that as people will have moved on and their own lives may have changed direction. Even with family, you've missed them but you know after a while of being home you could question was it worth giving up a husband (that I assume you have feelings for) who you could have children with, just to be physically near family, who you might take for granted and who might take you for granted.

Oafster wrote: »

short-term pain to avoid longer-term pain.

Don't be so sure about that OP. Sometimes how we feel about things just doesn't plan out that logically or simply. While you might consider at the moment, it will be just short term pain if you end things now and move back home, but it could also end up being that you don't get over your boyfriend so easily, or even feel you've made a mistake, or dwell on what ifs because reality here in Ireland has set in.

I'd have to be asking though OP, do you really love this guy? Are you emotionally invested in him? Are you thinking of marrying him for him warts Canada and all, or because of tick tock? I think at some point you and your boyfriend absolutely must have a serious talk about your future if marriage is on the cards. Can you see yourself now moving back to Ireland and knowing you will want to move back to Canada? If you have zero interest in ever moving back to Canada once you're back in Ireland be it 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, 1 year afterwards but your future husband wants to move back, that is something you need to discuss because he will need to know where he stands.

edit to add: If OP, you were in employment surrounded by long term colleagues that aren't fly by nighters, in a part of the country you like, with people you can get to know and connect with, would you still feel the same? Also, do you also feel "stuck" in relation to your job and that you resent others for leaving? Do you feel like you have drawn the short straw in terms that others that have left, you've stayed behind rather than switch jobs or look for something better, somewhere better for you?

R.D. aka MR.D · 18-07-2014 1:59am

Dovies wrote: »

OP I lived abroad for many years - both my children were raised overseas. My parents and family came to visit regularly and we came home regularly. However I always felt I was missing out on family occasions - when you see pics of Mothers Day lunches and birthday parties etc that you weren't at it makes you feel worse. However, I have been home for a few years now and trust me I realise I didn't really miss out on anything - it just seemed like it.

I agree totally with this.

Have you been home recently for an extended time? More than 2weeks?

It seems like you are missing a lot but in reality you aren't. I would hate to give up some one i loved only to realise that I'd been thinking the grass is greener.

pookie82 · 18-07-2014 2:23pm

Maurice Greene. wrote: »

Speaking from a man's perspective, I guess that your love is for him is not strong enough. If you love someone, you would want to be with them no matter what so I'd say end it with him before its too late, otherwise you could ruin both your lives in the long run.

I would have to disagree with this sentiment. Love is not "all" you need. It's very romantic and lovely to give up huge parts of your life for someone you love but a couple of years down the line where will that leave you ... secretly resenting them?

I've seen couples compromise on location around the world for "love" ... it's all very romantic at first, doing anything to be with the one you love, but a few years in once the dust settles, a yearning for home/a move/general unhappiness with their relocation choice makes them miserable and has a huge impact on the relationship.

On the contrary, I think it's very sensible to give good consideration to your predicament.

One thing jumped out at me though ... you don't once say you are in love with him in your post ... you said he's great and it's the best relationship you've had but that was it. Do you love him? Maybe it was just a simple oversight that you'd didn't type that but if you're questioning that, then you seriously need to put the brakes on his proposal plans until you're sure.

If you *do* love him (and you'll be sure of your answer to that as soon as you see the question... if it's "I'm not sure" then you're not), and he is willing to move over here to be with you, then you're very lucky, and I don't see why you'd pass it up to be honest.

For what it's worth, I totally get that you'd want to raise kids around a family. I have a close extended family and it'd be important to me, especially if anything like illness ever cropped up, so don't let anyone undermine that desire on your part.

dellas1979 · 18-07-2014 6:23pm

Oafster wrote: »

He knows how I feel and says he'd move to Ireland with me for a few yrs but he has a good job here and I know he'd never match it in Ireland.

So, you have a guy who loves you and is willing to compromise to be with you and meet your needs.
Am I missing something

How do you know he wouldnt love it here/match his job expectations?

Are you sure all this isnt stemming from maybe that you dont want to marry him, rather than not just wanting to live in Canada?

uck51js9zml2yt · 18-07-2014 8:12pm

My wife left everything to move to Ireland and marry me. She's home now with the kids for the first time in 2 years. She left her family and friends and now has here own family band mine and some very good friends, some of whom are from her home country.

You wouldn't be the first to have left everything but if your love for him isn't strong enough to leave home with the prospect of not moving back then you need to do him a favour and tell him the truth. He may decide his love is strong enough to make the move or he might call it a day and let you both move on.

December2012 · 20-07-2014 9:25am

Don't pass up being happy now, on the off chance that it will make you happy in the future.

Your life is now - enjoy it now and save money for trips home.

shabaz · 22-07-2014 2:12pm

Hi Ofster

Listen I totally know how you are feeling. I thinik some people are being a bit harsh on you here. Firstly I also moved away, mine was for love but unfortunately like yourself I have not settled in the place I am in and constantly think about moving home. But like you I love my partner very much and know he is the love of my life. People say "if you loved him you wouldn't care where you lived" but that is too easy to say. Like you I found it very hard to make friends were I am and don't really like the town I moved to.

It is a very hard decision what to make. I am totally in the same boat as you.

Honestly everyone should be a bit more understanding it is hard being away from your people....just simply things, your own network. But then again it would also be very hard to be away from the one you love also.

Very tough decision.

Oafster · 24-07-2014 5:07am

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses. To answer the people who asked me if I love him, I do without a doubt. I think if you have not lived away from home and faced the idea of being away permanently, you cannot understand my predicament. It's all very well to say love will overcome all, some of the people writing that have a very romanticised view of life.

I was going through a few rough days of being very home sick, feeling very isolated. Calling home just reminds you how far away you are and how life is going on without you and you're becoming just a vague presence in your family's lives, you're not really relevant anymore. I was a bit shocked at how judgemental some of the replies were, but I appreciated the thoughtful ones and I'm very grateful that those people took the time to reply.

December2012 · 24-07-2014 8:30am

Do your family use Facebook? You could set up a private family group in which you can all share private nuanced events / photos and jokes, irrespective if time difference.

That's what we do and it works.

LegacyUser · 24-07-2014 9:51am

I'm a single 40 year old woman, no kids, living in Ireland. A few years ago I met a man who I liked and who asked me out. I turned him down because he lived two hours away and I was hung up on the idea of living near home.

I sometimes wonder what might have been. I've not met anyone in the meantime and I'm pretty sure I'll never be a mother. It's not the be all and end all but again it's something I sometimes give some thought to. My mum died last year and that made me think about my own life and where I am.

I love my family but I'm not their first priority. I'm not upset at that by the way. I'm not that foolish. When my brothers and sisters got married and had their own children they truly became family units in their own right. We catch up every few weeks but we're not running in and out of each other's houses or in constant contact. Weeks can go by between seeing members of my family. I sometimes feel like I'm the spare. I get invited to weddings as my dad's +1. How maiden aunt is that?!?!?

Are you sure coming home is the wisest decision to make? If you never meet someone else here and end up single how do you feel about being alone once your parents are gone. Are you letting your loneliness and homesickness cloud your judgement. I had a chat with a colleague who lives nowhere near his family. He said that his friends have become like family and I can understand that. Maybe if you moved to another area or tried harder to make friends Canada would not be so awful. I get the feeling you went over with the wrong mindset

Molly999 · 25-07-2014 8:52pm

Please please do not give up the chance of being with someone you love and who loves you because you think you are missing out on something at home. Believe me you are not. I was in the exact same situation as you many years ago and I choose to come home. Regret it almost every day.

beks101 · 25-07-2014 9:57pm

I can see both sides to this.

I lived in Canada for a few years and that niggling, gut feeling that I didn't really belong there long-term never went away. Like you, I went temporarily, got a good job, lived a good life and when the sh1t hit the fan at home, coming back didn't really seem like an option.

I loved Canada and the city I was living in, it did become a second home but it took me a *long* time to adjust and there was always a sense that I would always have to compromise myself a little to fit in. Humour, nuances, mannerisms, ways of thinking, cultural and lifestyle habits that are so deeply ingrained in you and you've never given a moment's thought to until all of a sudden those are the very things that isolate you. Cracking a joke and being met by a wall of silence. Cultural references that fall on deaf ears etc etc.

Someone said to me on my arrival, 'they speak English like us, but they're different' and that was definitely my experience. In a sense your world is turned on its head and while it's deeply challenging and great for your personal development, there can be a sense that you're stuck between two worlds that can be very isolating no matter how long you're there. I'm no home bird by any stretch, but that feeling certainly dug into me for the duration of my stay.

I too fell in love with a Canadian, ultimately it wasn't meant to be for other reasons, but for a time I had to consider, 'do I stay or do I go' whilst factoring in the relationship, and for me, moving on was always going to win out. I had a few friends who married their Canadian partners and had babies etc, one in particular who was a real homebird and the sense of isolation I saw in her, particularly after her son was born, was one that I predicted for myself if I had stayed for the long haul. There was a melancholy to her, a sense of resignation in the fact that she would never - could never - move home and that the closeness she always had with her family could never really exist again by virtue of simple geography. No amount of Skype chats or group emails can really bridge that gap.

Saying that, finding the right relationship is really difficult - like gold dust, in my case, I don't fall into relationships and over the years have really struggled to find the right man. As a result I'd never take that for granted for a second - and if a man that I was deeply in love with was willing to compromise on something big like country of residence, I would absolutely work with him.

The dating scene in Ireland is a lot smaller, more parochial and far less expansive and full of opportunity than that of any city in Canada - you simple don't have the same chance of meeting someone, and if having a family is your goal, that's something you need to deeply consider. I'm perhaps a decade younger than you and I wouldn't take a chance on it - I wouldn't break up with the man I love and move back in the hope that someone would arrive on my doorstep and give me the things I need, on top of family and the familiarity of home. On a practical level, (and given my luck - or lack of! - on the Irish dating scene), it would simply be too big a gamble.

So my advice: work with this man. You don't get many shots at love at all - some people don't get a single one. While there's nothing in my mind more important than family, you also have to remember that you exist as an individual with your own goals, aspirations and needs in order to be happy, and Ireland might not be the place you will find them. Sit down with your man and hatch a long-term plan to fulfil both of your needs over the rest of your life together - or at least for the next decade.

You're lucky you have a man who is willing to go that length for you. In my case, it wasn't an option.

Best of luck to you. I hope it all works out.

lazybones32 · 27-07-2014 9:31pm

"L.A.'s fine but it aint home
New York's home but it aint mine no more..." - what's his face

Living in a foreign land can never feel like home for many people but when they return 'home', they find it has changed so much that they are almost like strangers and cannot settle or integrate as well as before.

This is going to sound gay but you have to listen to your heart. You do this by trying to stop thinking about it and forcing an answer and do whatever activity allows you to 'turn off' your mind from its relentless analysing.

Marry and stay overseas or return home?

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