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  • 25-09-2012 9:47pm
    #1
    mamafi
    Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭


    Hi Guys,
    Just wondering if some of you could help me out with some info..My hubby got a letter in the post 5 weeks ago from the hse saying someone was looking for some news of him.He has always known that he was adopted and knew stright away what it was all about. He rang the sw the next day and the met up the following week. She told him that his bm had died 4 yrs ago but that she had met her because he has 5 siblings and the youngest of them was searching for her.It is his youngest brother that is looking for some news/meeting. My husband is finding it hard to get over the fact that bm is dead and to make matters worse we only buried his adopted mam 6 months ago.All of this has come as a bit of a shock to him and he is feeling really guilty that he never went looking for his bm. The sw gave him all this info and then went on 3 weks hols and now I am trying to get him through all of this.I know that the sw is entitled to hols but why did she start all of this just before her hols and anyone got any ideas as to how to help him get through this. He is starting to get excited about the fact that he has a brother loking for him but he is still grieving his bm's death and can't understand why this is as he didn't know her.Sorry for the long story:o worried wife


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    #2
    goat2
    Registered Users Posts: 4,939 ✭✭✭goat2


    my guess is that he always held out the hope that he would meet her, i guess he was hoping she would come looking for him, or that he would some day look for her,
    i am sorry to hear he has lost so many,

    but he has alot to gain also, he has gained, he can look forward to getting to know his siblings, and i bet he will find he has the same traits as some of them,

    time is the only answer to grief,
    but getting to know his relatives will ease this, and he will find out a whole lot about his bm from them, with pictures and videos he will get to know alot


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    #3
    mamafi
    Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭mamafi


    Hi goat2, you are so right. 1 of the things that he said to me was that he is feeling so guilty that he did not do his search years ago. his social worker is back today so now maybe we can get some answers.He wants to go visit his bm grave and then he feels that he can get excited about meeting his youngest brother. Did I mention that all his siblings were put up for adoption except 1 that the bm didn't get on with for some reason. We can only wait now for her phone call to-day and see how things go. Thanks for the reply goat2 and wish us luck
    mamafi


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    #4
    The_Conductor
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 32,279 Mod ✭✭✭✭The_Conductor


    Best of good luck to your hubby today Mamafi.


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    #5
    mamafi
    Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭mamafi


    Thanks smccarrick...waiting for that phonecall...if she doesn't ring to-day he will ring tomorrow and leave a message for her because she only works half day on mondays and a full day on wednesday so she will ring him back on wednesday...just as well it's not me going through this for myself or my nerves would be shattered..is it just me or are men just so much calmer about this sort of thing...lol


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    #6
    triggerlittle
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭triggerlittle


    Hi Mamafi, I got a phonecall from a s/w early in sept to invite me in to a meeting with her as she had ''some news for me''. I had the meeting and was told I have a half sister who had come forward , and also that my ''birth mother'' was alive and had been contacted by my half sisters s/w.
    you can imagine my shock and surprise as I recieved this news !
    I knew I had been born in the Rotunda hopital in 1967 and adopted as an infant and that the adoption had been facilitated through an agency based in the Pro Cathedral in Dublin . It seems that my half sister was born in Holles st hospital in 1974 and was adopted through the agency now known as ''Cunamh''.
    My mother went on to marry and have another four children who have no idea of their half brother or half sister as I'm told by the s/w that my b/mother never told them
    I'm due to meet with my half sister in Oct and I'm really looking forward to getting to know her after all these years of not even knowing of her existance.
    whether or not I ever meet my birth mother is entirely her decision, but I do think she should let her children know of both mine and my sisters position.


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    #7
    mamafi
    Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭mamafi


    Hi triggerlittle, so excited for you and I hope you meeting with your half sister goes well . We got the phone call from the sw to-day. now we have to get some family photos together and my hubby has to write a letter to his brother and meet with sw so that he can give her the letter and she will have one for him from his brother. Then the next step will be to meet up. I am so excited and hubby is feeling the same way. On the down side his sis got back to the sw telling her that at the moment she has no interest in meeting up. I think she thinks that it is bm looking for her because the 1st letter does not say who is looking for you and I think that this is wrong. This lady has some brothers out there that would love to meet her and she has no idea and maybe if she did it would make a difference. What does everyone else think.


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    #8
    rinsjwind
    Registered Users Posts: 71 ✭✭rinsjwind


    Hi mamafi

    Just a suggestion, but it might be best to let the two lads get to know each other a bit first and then deal with the sister (and the other sibs?) later?.


    In the meantime, maybe talk to the social workers about (or the sisters agency, it could well be a third one!) sending her a letter outlining that it is siblings who are making the enquiry, that there's no rush or pressure about any response and contact details for the sw if/when she's interested. As you are obviously aware, it can take a while to get your head around news like this and she may need some time to decide what she wants to do or she may, for all sorts of reasons, not be ready for contact or at least not ready yet.

    Very best wishes

    Rins


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    #9
    mamafi
    Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭mamafi


    Hi Rins and yes maybe you are right...my hubby has just finished his letter to-night and we looked through photos for some to pass on to his brother..it was a harder thing to do than he thought and in the begining he didn't think he had anything to write and then he was trying to stop himself putting to much down on paper...He is dissappointed that his sister does not want to get involved at this stage but he hopes that maybe in the future that will happen .


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    #10
    mamafi
    Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭mamafi


    OK GUYS AN UPDATE...Hubby talking to the sw this morning. She will meet him next wednesday to exchange letters and talk him through his meeting with his brother.He also found out where his bm is buried so we are going to visit the grave over the weekend some time.


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    #11
    mamafi
    Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭mamafi


    Well folks, the letters were exchanged earlier in the week and it has taken me this long to get over the shock. My hubby and his brother look so alike it is unbelievable. My hubby is so happy that they look alike and I think that it is going to make their meeting easier for him in some way.Meeting to take place in 2 weeks so fingers crossed that it will go well.


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    #12
    diabeticmum
    Registered Users Posts: 60 ✭✭diabeticmum


    Mamafi, hope it all goes well for your hubby and his brother. I'm helping my husband with his search and stories like this are great to give hope.


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    #13
    goat2
    Registered Users Posts: 4,939 ✭✭✭goat2


    mamafi wrote: »
    Well folks, the letters were exchanged earlier in the week and it has taken me this long to get over the shock. My hubby and his brother look so alike it is unbelievable. My hubby is so happy that they look alike and I think that it is going to make their meeting easier for him in some way.Meeting to take place in 2 weeks so fingers crossed that it will go well.
    you know that no matter who rear us, and even if we are at different sides of the world while being reared, that we will have alot of the features and traits of our siblings,

    i am so so thrilled things are moving along, and that it is lovely for him to look at someone that look alike, he now feel he belong, knowing that there is someone with the same genes with him here,
    it is an exciting time, it will have its ups and downs, but the ups will outweigh the downs,
    hopefully his brother had a good life,
    congrats
    looking forward to hearing how the meeting go


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    #14
    goat2
    Registered Users Posts: 4,939 ✭✭✭goat2


    triggerlittle wrote: »
    Hi Mamafi, I got a phonecall from a s/w early in sept to invite me in to a meeting with her as she had ''some news for me''. I had the meeting and was told I have a half sister who had come forward , and also that my ''birth mother'' was alive and had been contacted by my half sisters s/w.
    you can imagine my shock and surprise as I recieved this news !
    I knew I had been born in the Rotunda hopital in 1967 and adopted as an infant and that the adoption had been facilitated through an agency based in the Pro Cathedral in Dublin . It seems that my half sister was born in Holles st hospital in 1974 and was adopted through the agency now known as ''Cunamh''.
    My mother went on to marry and have another four children who have no idea of their half brother or half sister as I'm told by the s/w that my b/mother never told them
    I'm due to meet with my half sister in Oct and I'm really looking forward to getting to know her after all these years of not even knowing of her existance.
    whether or not I ever meet my birth mother is entirely her decision, but I do think she should let her children know of both mine and my sisters position.
    what age do you think the children who do not know of you and your sister existance,
    because i know a two families where the mom had not told them they had older siblings that were born before she got married and were adopted, and i can say for certain that they were embraced by the family she reared, and they were delighted to know they had older sister or brother, and they still are best friends, and also we know that we are all open now and embrace changes,
    the old days are gone, and long may that last.
    if i were to meet someone that were loooking for our family, due to either mom or dad having a child before they met, and if they had not told me of their existance, i would be delighted to welcome them and call them my bro or sister,


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    #15
    mamafi
    Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭mamafi


    Best of luck diabeticmum with your search..
    .keep us informed as to how your search is going

    mamafi


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    #16
    triggerlittle
    Registered Users Posts: 6 ✭triggerlittle


    Hi folks, just a quick update to my earlier post !
    I had the meeting with my sister last week and I can honestly say it was one of the best days of my life !! We look so alike that we could easily pass as twins (even though there's 7 years between us) !
    We have lots in common and had a two and a half hour meeting which passed in what felt like ten minutes .
    We will definitely be keeping in touch in the future as we have both so much catching up to do !!

    As for contact with our Birth Mother, the s/workers are both of the opinion that the softly softly approach is the best way to approach the issue, as she is recently widowed and the four children of her marriage were not told of our birth's or adoptions.
    There are two boys & two girls from the marriage, and the oldest would be in their early to mid thirties.
    Obviously I would like to get in touch with them all, but approaching the issue will be difficult and no doubt challenging to all !!

    I'll check in from time to time with updates (if any occur)


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    #17
    mamafi
    Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭mamafi


    Soooooo happy for you triggerlittle,
    Do please keep us updated as it does me so good to hear the happy endings and by the sound of things it is a happy ending between you and your sis...
    Best of luck with everything


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    #18
    mamafi
    Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭mamafi


    ok guys so the count down is on...
    4 days to the 1st meeting for hubby and his bro...am sick with nerves...sw told him to bring a camera with him and she will take a photo of the 2 of them together...that is something so small but I think it is amazing to think that he will have a photo of himself and his brother on friday...fingers toes and everything else crossed that it goes well for both of them plz...


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    #19
    diabeticmum
    Registered Users Posts: 60 ✭✭diabeticmum


    Everything crossed for them here too, hope it goes well.


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    #20
    rinsjwind
    Registered Users Posts: 71 ✭✭rinsjwind


    Hi Mamafi

    Hopefully the first of many meetings :-). Best wishes and relaaaax, they'll be fine! ; -).

    and congrats Triggerlite, again hopefully the first of many and good luck with making contact with your birth mam and the other sibs.

    Rins.


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    #21
    mamafi
    Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭mamafi


    Well guys. D-day has finally arrived and it's 4:50am and I am on the computer and hubby is snoring his brains out ( 1st nite that he has slept right all week ). Camera ready for sw to take pics and old photos picked last nite to bring along as advised... Fingers crossed guys and I will let you know how things go !!


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    #22
    The_Conductor
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 32,279 Mod ✭✭✭✭The_Conductor


    Best of good luck to you both- we'll be thinking of you!


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    #23
    diabeticmum
    Registered Users Posts: 60 ✭✭diabeticmum


    Hope you all had a lovely day:)


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    #24
    mamafi
    Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭mamafi


    Ok Guys so dropped hubby off at meeting point and went on to do some shopping for the hour and a half that the meeting was going to last. Not a chance. Pick up loads and then just put them back down again...ended up just getting a coffee and parking the car up at a football pitch for most of the time...lol was about to phone hubby then because he was 10 mins late phoning me...the time draged for me BUT thank god it flew for hubby and his bro..SW couldn't get over the fact that they even sat the same way in a chair..Hubby said that he thougt that there would be this instant brotherly bond but then realised that there couldn't be, that even though he was his brother he is still a stranger and that is something that they need to work on now. Got somre great photos too. So the story is that they have a chat with their wivies and decide when we meet again with the wivies and kids...can't wait and so glad that it went well for them both. Thanks guys for listening to me over the last few weeks...will keep you updated. x


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    #25
    tyview
    Registered Users Posts: 210 ✭✭tyview


    I'm so glad the meeting went ok for your hubby mamafi. It may take some time and work on your husbands part to build on the relationship but fingers crossed! I'm in contact with my half siblings and the relationship with some are easier than others but they are still quite young (early twenties) and only found out about me 2 years ago. I wish your husband and brother the very best!


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    #26
    rinsjwind
    Registered Users Posts: 71 ✭✭rinsjwind


    :):):):):):):):):):):):).
    Rins


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    #27
    diabeticmum
    Registered Users Posts: 60 ✭✭diabeticmum


    Delighted for your Husband , I can only imagine your nerves waiting, glad it went well


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    #28
    goat2
    Registered Users Posts: 4,939 ✭✭✭goat2


    mamafi wrote: »
    Ok Guys so dropped hubby off at meeting point and went on to do some shopping for the hour and a half that the meeting was going to last. Not a chance. Pick up loads and then just put them back down again...ended up just getting a coffee and parking the car up at a football pitch for most of the time...lol was about to phone hubby then because he was 10 mins late phoning me...the time draged for me BUT thank god it flew for hubby and his bro..SW couldn't get over the fact that they even sat the same way in a chair..Hubby said that he thougt that there would be this instant brotherly bond but then realised that there couldn't be, that even though he was his brother he is still a stranger and that is something that they need to work on now. Got somre great photos too. So the story is that they have a chat with their wivies and decide when we meet again with the wivies and kids...can't wait and so glad that it went well for them both. Thanks guys for listening to me over the last few weeks...will keep you updated. x
    it is going to take time to get comfortable, but as you say they can see a resembleance in habits already in just one visit,
    the family your hubby and his brother were adopted to, were they the only children in each of their families, because if one of them was an only child in the family, it will be harder for him to integrate himself as having a brother, as it would have always been him that everything the parents worked for was, where by the person where there are other siblings would be used to sharing and calling himself brother,
    time is on your side,
    if there were a family wedding or do for either family and they asked their new brother, it is a good way of getting to know one another families,
    great to hear all your good news


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    #29
    mamafi
    Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭mamafi


    Hi goat2, Both hubby and bro had adopted siblings...hubby has 1 and bro has 2 so they are use to mixing. The sw left them at the end on fridayt and told them that if they needed her to ring but as far as she could see they would be fine without her. They have to organise the next meeting and now hubby iis wondering how long to leave it before he rings. We don't want to leave it to long and were thinking of inviting them down to our home one day next weekend...anyone got any idea, Is it to soon...his bro has young kids and we thought that as we know what it is like with young kids the house he might be easier


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    #30
    OneIdea
    Closed Accounts Posts: 249 ✭✭OneIdea


    mamafi wrote: »
    Hi goat2, Both hubby and bro had adopted siblings...hubby has 1 and bro has 2 so they are use to mixing. The sw left them at the end on fridayt and told them that if they needed her to ring but as far as she could see they would be fine without her. They have to organise the next meeting and now hubby iis wondering how long to leave it before he rings. We don't want to leave it to long and were thinking of inviting them down to our home one day next weekend...anyone got any idea, Is it to soon...his bro has young kids and we thought that as we know what it is like with young kids the house he might be easier
    I think as a second meetup, it would be lot of pressure on both brothers, therefore without sounding too Irish... (suggestion only) brothers should go out for a few pints and get to know each other a bit more.., then perhaps each brother should visit each others family first on there own and thus then both family's could meet over the xmas.

    But that's just me... if the two brothers are cool with your idea, then go for it.


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    #31
    mamafi
    Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭mamafi


    Sorry OneIdea should have said that they both agreed that the next meeting should be with the wivies and children


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