Stories that make you go "oooouch"

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 15-07-2009 2:42am #1

A friend of mine, whom I love very dearly, has a talent for telling the most inappropriate stories at the worst time. Had her over to my parents house for dinner recently, she'd already eaten, got bored and so decided to relate the following tale to my parents and younger siblings. In fairness, she did preface it "Well, this isn't really dinner table conversation, but feckit it's funny"

She has this friend who is circumcised and a complete man-whore (not sure if the two things are related). He needed a job a few months back, and so thought to himself "**** it, I'll sleep with the manager of tesco" took the manager out on a "date" and while they were doing what people do on "dates" she caught her engagement ring (classy burd and all) on the head of his ding-dong and ripped a piece of the skin off. He was in absolute agony for weeks, she felt terrible about it so when he recovered she took him out for dinner to make it up to him and the exact same thing happened again! The genius sentence to end this story to mom and pop: "And now he can't wear jeans! And tesco haven't hired since last August!"

And one for the ladies. Another friend of mine went on holidays to Amsterdam, and on the first day decided she needed to freshen up after the flight/before the drug-fuelled week long shower free zone. Hopped in the shower, didn't bother closing the door of it, started to shave her legs. Now, razor in hand, one leg up against the wall of the shower, she slipped, fell, and landed fanny first on the ridge of the open shower door :eek: and scraped all up the inside of her arm with the side of her razor. So she came back home from Amsterdam with paper stitches on her box and what looked very like track marks on her arm (no, I didn't believe the shower story at first either).

So, what other stories have you heard that induce immediate leg crossing?

orestes · 15-07-2009 2:45am

Brooks Plump Searcher wrote: »

She has this friend who is circumcised and a complete man-whore (not sure if the two things are related). He needed a job a few months back, and so thought to himself "**** it, I'll sleep with the manager of tesco" took the manager out on a "date" and while they were doing what people do on "dates" she caught her engagement ring (classy burd and all) on the head of his ding-dong and ripped a piece of the skin off. He was in absolute agony for weeks, she felt terrible about it so when he recovered she took him out for dinner to make it up to him and the exact same thing happened again! The genius sentence to end this story to mom and pop: "And now he can't wear jeans! And tesco haven't hired since last August!"

Admit it lads, you all cringed and crossed your legs too

Fukking hell

drunkmonkey · 15-07-2009 2:46am

drunk mate, big girl, back door, too tight, splits japs eye in two, requires stitches, has to ask us in the pub first did we think he should go to the doctor, it was very funny...

orestes · 15-07-2009 2:47am

This thread is making my eyes water

Royale with Cheese · 15-07-2009 2:47am

Ok here's one...

I got whacked in the balls with a football earlier today. It hurt.

Senna · 15-07-2009 2:50am

Good friend of mine had a similar story to the first one, only he ripped it on....shall we say a tight opening. Anyway he was only 17 at the time and had to show it too his parents after his mother found 2 pairs of boxers with blood stains in them, we still laugh about it.

jumpguy · 15-07-2009 2:52am

I remember we were told this one in sex ed class (mind your jewels class, basically).

During a football match a fellow was wearing loose shorts. He was playing in the game and all was grand. The ball was kicked out, and him and another fellow lunged into the air to get it. The other fellow lifted his leg in mid-air and caught the guy with the loose shorts in the scrotum with his stud. When they came down, the stud ripped the scrotum open.

I don't think he ever played football again.

White_Feather · 15-07-2009 4:34am

jumpguy wrote: »

I remember we were told this one in sex ed class (mind your jewels class, basically).

During a football match a fellow was wearing loose shorts. He was playing in the game and all was grand. The ball was kicked out, and him and another fellow lunged into the air to get it. The other fellow lifted his leg in mid-air and caught the guy with the loose shorts in the scrotum with his stud. When they came down, the stud ripped the scrotum open.

I don't think he ever played football again.

Im a girl and that even made me shudder! ouch!

Tar.Aldarion · 15-07-2009 4:44am

I feel no sympathy for this man in the first poes. I've had worse happen to mine.

I still remember all the female doctors, sigh.

"Are you sexually active?"
"Yes"
"Well you are not any more"

Never heard anything scarier in my life!

Also another ouch story is right before a guys final year college exams, him and his friend were messing around after the pub and well one thing led to another and a guy rammed a big umbrella at him as hard as he could...from behind. Well it went right up his rear reallyyyy fast and he had to be taken to hospital, blood is disturbing. He missed his final year exams recovering and had to repeat. When told my story, this guy said his pain was nothing. And no, I won't reveal more about mine apart from I was out of action for quite a few months.

amacachi · 15-07-2009 4:46am

Tar.Aldarion wrote: »

I feel no sympathy for this man in the first poes. I've had worse happen to mine.
I still remember all the female doctors, sigh.

"Are you sexually active?"
"Yes"
"Well you are not any more"

Never heard anything scarier in my life!

Also another ouch story is right before a guys final year college exams, him and his friend were messing around after the pub and well one thing led to another and a guy rammed a big umbrella at him as hard as he could...from behind. Well it went right up his rear reallyyyy fast and he had to be taken to hospital, blood is disturbing. He missed his final year exams recovering and had to repeat. When told my story, this guy said his pain was nothing. And no, I won't reveal more about mine apart from I was out of action for quite a few months.

Way worse has happened to mine than has happened to yours, but I'm not saying what.

Tar.Aldarion · 15-07-2009 4:47am

You poor man, there must be nothing left! It takes a lot of whiskey for me to mention the incident. :eek:

amacachi · 15-07-2009 4:48am

Tar.Aldarion wrote: »

You poor man, there must be nothing left! It takes a lot of whiskey for me to mention the incident. :eek:

Got them to freeze what they could, they said there's a chance they might be able to implant it on my back in the future to try and regrow and reattach it.

Tar.Aldarion · 15-07-2009 4:51am

If you go in for a back massage, they won't know what hit them.

amacachi · 15-07-2009 4:53am

Tar.Aldarion wrote: »

If you go in for a back massage, they won't know what hit them.

Gonna sully the name of all legit massage places in Ireland one by one.

Tar.Aldarion · 15-07-2009 4:56am

godspeed.

/dlrunk slumber

orestes · 15-07-2009 4:57am

amacachi wrote: »

Gonna sully the name of all legit massage places in Ireland one by one.

I'd give anything to see Sully's face when he searches his username tomorrow

Xiney · 15-07-2009 9:35am

Did I move this from the ladies' lounge because it's all about men's bits so far anyway, or because I just wanted to put it where it would wreak ultimate mental anguish since I'm an evil bitch?

The world may never know

Nevyn · 15-07-2009 9:59am

As much as I understand that sentiment I think the mens health forum is a better place for this thread tbh.

Xiney · 15-07-2009 10:01am

Thaedydal wrote: »

As much as I understand that sentiment I think the mens health forum is a better place for this thread tbh.

*cackle*

challengemaster · 15-07-2009 4:28pm

Tar.Aldarion wrote: »

And no, I won't reveal more about mine apart from I was out of action for quite a few months.

*ahem* blender *ahem*

Ouch! :eek:

Tar.Aldarion · 15-07-2009 4:30pm

:eek:

Snowie · 17-07-2009 9:13am

ouch.....

i really shuddered reading them

norrie rugger · 17-07-2009 11:49am

Tar.Aldarion wrote: »

You poor man, there must be nothing left! It takes a lot of whiskey for me to mention the incident. :eek:

I'm thinking frenulum severed

Tar.Aldarion · 17-07-2009 1:40pm

norrie rugger wrote: »

I'm thinking frenulum severed

No, that wouldn't have been bad, bit oh blood and back on the horse the next day. It's like a quiz show now

00sully · 17-07-2009 1:56pm

not as bad as some mentioned here but while in hospital - for along stint might I add for reasons I may come back to on this thread if I can get my hands on an appropriate picture of "inside" my body - but anyway I digress.

The guy across the way from me told me how he dropped an ANGLE GRINDER on his leg - it made me weak hearing the story. hit the bone too. I nearly fainted (all the while in my hopsital bed

) not much of a story since I couldn't bear to listen to the details of how exactly it happened or any details - was sorry I asked to be honest. ouch.

norrie rugger · 17-07-2009 1:58pm

Tar.Aldarion wrote: »

No, that wouldn't have been bad, bit oh blood and back on the horse the next day. It's like a quiz show now

As far as i know, proper severed means a trip to the hospital with a lot more than small bit o blood.

you may as well tell all.

bloody hell, we have Tallaght01 telling us about his no-boner!

bruised ball or ruptured dick?

it is a quiz now, 20 questions ha

petes · 17-07-2009 1:58pm

Not as bad as some of them here but ripped my banjo string. Girlfriend was going down on me at the time. That hurt.

norrie rugger · 17-07-2009 2:01pm

I was in hospital last year feeling bad for this guys opposite,

Both legs in traction, shattered knee cap, surgery on both legs.
Listening to the crash story and getting cut out of the car, I was thinking all the ooooooch thoughts untill later a friend of his came in.
"I only had 5 or 6 pints"!!!!

Went from oooouch to got what you deserve

andrew · 17-07-2009 7:58pm

jumpguy wrote: »

I remember we were told this one in sex ed class (mind your jewels class, basically).

During a football match a fellow was wearing loose shorts. He was playing in the game and all was grand. The ball was kicked out, and him and another fellow lunged into the air to get it. The other fellow lifted his leg in mid-air and caught the guy with the loose shorts in the scrotum with his stud. When they came down, the stud ripped the scrotum open.

I don't think he ever played football again.

Oh Sweet Jesus thats horrific.

Dr Galen · 17-07-2009 9:49pm

i think I could honestly make some of you sick with some of the **** I've seen.

Tar.Aldarion · 17-07-2009 9:56pm

Get's pretty roungh out gardening/tending the bushes? :pac:

Dr Galen · 17-07-2009 10:06pm

depends whose bushes I'm tending really Tar. Personally I can't stand an unkempt bush. Leads to all sorts of creepy crawlies in my veg patch...

but I was thinking more from a medically point of view

DrIndy · 18-07-2009 12:23pm

Fourniers Gangrene - bad news.....

Its a rare type of very aggressive skin infection which affects the scrotum, but spares the testicles because they get a separate blood supply higher up at the kidney arteries. It arises usually from a bad bladder infection which either through pressure or otherwise manages to cross over the urethra and into the surrounding tissue. Surgery to rapidly remove the dead tissue can cure - and the scrotum can be reconstructed from thigh skin with intact testicles.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fournier_gangrene

PICTURES ARE MEDICAL IMAGES AND NSFW OR FOR A WEAK STOMACH.

http://www.jaapa.com/Media/Images/50/fournierCME1107fig1_49366.jpg
http://www.airahospital.org/?page_id=2612

sam34 · 18-07-2009 2:20pm

oooh, even i - a woman- crossed my legs at that!

Snowie · 18-07-2009 5:19pm

DrIndy wrote: »

Fourniers Gangrene - bad news.....

Its a rare type of very aggressive skin infection which affects the scrotum, but spares the testicles because they get a separate blood supply higher up at the kidney arteries. It arises usually from a bad bladder infection which either through pressure or otherwise manages to cross over the urethra and into the surrounding tissue. Surgery to rapidly remove the dead tissue can cure - and the scrotum can be reconstructed from thigh skin with intact testicles.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fournier_gangrene

PICTURES ARE MEDICAL IMAGES AND NSFW OR FOR A WEAK STOMACH.

http://www.jaapa.com/Media/Images/50/fournierCME1107fig1_49366.jpg
http://www.airahospital.org/?page_id=2612

omg :eek: Its only a flesh wound :pac:

Tar.Aldarion · 18-07-2009 5:21pm

DrIndy wrote: »

Fourniers Gangrene - bad news.....

Its a rare type of very aggressive skin infection which affects the scrotum, but spares the testicles because they get a separate blood supply higher up at the kidney arteries. It arises usually from a bad bladder infection which either through pressure or otherwise manages to cross over the urethra and into the surrounding tissue. Surgery to rapidly remove the dead tissue can cure - and the scrotum can be reconstructed from thigh skin with intact testicles.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fournier_gangrene

PICTURES ARE MEDICAL IMAGES AND NSFW OR FOR A WEAK STOMACH.

http://www.jaapa.com/Media/Images/50/fournierCME1107fig1_49366.jpg
http://www.airahospital.org/?page_id=2612

Give me a vaccine, give me ALL the vaccines, this must not happen!

Dr Galen · 18-07-2009 7:02pm

i've actually been seeing a patient recently with a case of this. very very nasty. very very painful. was wincing when I was with him. thankfully it was caught early enough and he'll be grand

WeeBushy · 18-07-2009 7:09pm

This thread really upsets me. I'm scared for my poor peeper.

giddybootz · 19-07-2009 10:51am

At Oxegen a few years ago and a group of us have our tents all pitched (actual tents-not a metaphor!) in a circle. We awaken to the sounds of our mate screaming like a trapped animal. We all pop oue heads out of ou tents to see what was amiss....mate comes out with a blood spot forming on his pants...he had just been havin sex with his GF and snapped his banjo string. He spent the day in hospital instead of at the festival...poor fella!!

Stories that make you go "oooouch"

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