Is this Hot and Cold or am I oversensitive?

heatherr81 · 23-10-2014 3:39pm #1

Way too much detail. Thanks for all the help. Taking all of it on-board and agree with many of the points made

strobe · 23-10-2014 4:28pm

Ok I've read it twice, and I can't find any legitimate reason for you to be doubting this guys interest or intentions whatsoever. Quite the opposite, he seems mad about you... but just maybe a little touch apprehensive about how full on and skittish your being.

Just try and relax, extend a tiny bit of trust, allow yourself to be optimistic rather than pessimistic, and see how things go. This part is meant to be fun. Try to enjoy yourself.

Best of luck, hope things go well.

borabora · 23-10-2014 4:36pm

I think you need to chill out and in future interactions play it by ear, being way more relaxed about the whole thing. He was understandably freaked about your reaction to him cancelling, which was a definite red flag, to me anyway. Give him a bit of space, see where it goes and what happens. He has been in masses of contact really.

Tokyo · 23-10-2014 4:39pm

I think that you are overthinking things far too much, if I'm to be honest. Your relationship is still in the very early stages of getting to know each other, and it sounds a little like you are pushing to hard, trying to force things rather than letting them develop naturally. The guy seems to be making quite a bit of effort, and it is quite unfair to judge him on the sins of past boyfriends - that would be a red flag for me too if I were in his shoes. I don't see anything in your story that suggests a complete turnaround, or anything other than him being busy, and getting in contact with you when he has some time to spare.

My advice - if you are interested in this guy, give it a chance to develop naturally - don't second guess every phone call or lack thereof. However, if you do believe that it's too much to ignore, and that's not going to change, then right or wrong, he may simply not be the right guy for you. In which case, consider finding someone more in tune with what you are looking for.

Boskowski · 23-10-2014 4:47pm

You're writing quite a lot of text on this. And you're clearly thinking a lot about this relationship.

Which suggests to me that maybe you're a bit too full on? Not sit back relax enjoy and see what happens?

Even the way you blew him off will tell him you're very much 'only guys with serious intentions need apply'.

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that a relationship is nothing serious. But it has to grow into that.

Quite frankly you would probably scare me too. Do you mind me asking what age group you are?

LegacyUser · 23-10-2014 6:50pm

Hey OP here.

I forget my password.

Totally agree with everyone, all that text made me realise even as I was typing that I've been over investing. I actually just wanted to give a blow by blow so the post would make sense.

I'm in my 30's.....I have a great job and a very full life but definitely have self esteem problems. I was in 2 abusive relationships followed by a nice guy who just didn't want a commitment for 3 years. I've been by myself for the last year and had almost accepted wilfully that I never wanted a relationship with anyone again.

I've had counselling, I'm a firm believer that if you have issues you need to sort them out and not carry them forward to other situations and when I Facebook messaged him I truly believed it was over but recognised that I had judged him on my past experiences and that was wrong. For me, I wanted to apologise.

Thanks for all the advice, completely agree. I'm totally letting my fear rule me here. It's not even about him, it's about me.

He was texting me non stop the first 2-3 weeks now I'm not heading much but I probably did freak him out. I'll pull back and get on with my own life, it'll work out if it's meant too. If not I guess I'll learn a lesson.

Thanks all

CaraMay · 23-10-2014 7:42pm

Op is this your second thread on the same guy? Tbh I think you need to chill and enjoy the relationship.

Mr. Incognito · 23-10-2014 7:48pm

The fact that you even remember that means you are over thinking it

Sheesh. Just relax for five minutes and take it when and how it comes.

The texting saying was that a good bye kiss and the brush off would melt my head.

Surprised he is even giving you another chance

Big Bag of Chips · 23-10-2014 8:03pm

I have to agree with Mr. Incognito, I stopped reading near the end because there was too much detail of days, dates, texts sent, texts not sent, calls, missed calls etc.. I really hope that you were going through your phone to recall what happened rather than having all that stored in your head.

How have you time for anything else?!

It is very clear that your past has shaped how you are approaching this relationship... But for your own sake you need to back off. You are seeing this fella a few weeks. Let it grow naturally. You don't have to be in constant contact. And if he's gone away for a weekend with his friends I would expect no contact! And you should look at any contact you got as a bonus.

You are putting too much pressure on him, on yourself and on the relationship. Relationships ARE meant to be fun you know!! It doesn't really sound like you're enjoying yourself, at all. Either relax and see where this goes naturally, or take a break from relationships for a while until you are in a happier place.

This relationship will survive or it won't. Your best bet is to let it get to wherever it's going at it's own pace. If it fizzles out, then it fizzles out. But if you force it, and if you pressure him to contact you more, then you're not going to be happy either. You'll be wondering if he is only texting you because you've gotten on to him about it.

It's only been 5 or 6 weeks and this is your 2nd thread on him. You're going to drive yourself mad, if you can't relax and enjoy a relationship. And if you can't relax and enjoy a relationship is there any point in continuing it?

LLMMML · 23-10-2014 10:19pm

While you say that when you sent the facebook message you believed it was all over, it actually seems like you were being melodramatic to provoke a reaction, and when he didn't take the bait, you had to grovel a few days later. I'm not saying this to chastise you. I'm saying it because if you're in counselling, then you need to be honest with yourself about your motivations. You probably should address your tendency to use grand gestures to provoke a reaction. Good luck.

heatherr81 · 24-10-2014 9:23am

Completely agree with all the points made! This whole post is case in point that I need to spend a bit more time alone. Thanks all

Is this Hot and Cold or am I oversensitive?

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