Meeting ex again after 12 years

Hannaho · 13-10-2014 12:03am #1

In my mid twenties, I went out with a guy for three years. We had lots in common and got on brilliantly, we were talking about getting married. However, I went through a traumatic family crisis, and moved to Australia to get away from it all. We met four times briefly over next ten years but our lives were going different directions. I married and separated. He had one relationship after me where the girl had a drink problem and treated him very poorly. He reportedly said he would never have a relationship again. He is now 54 and single. I am 47 and single with kids. I pass his old family home on the way to work each a.m. - I often thought about contacting him - I still have his number. Eventually, I did contact him - I didn't think he'd reply to my text, but he did. He said he was delighted to hear from me. I suggested coffee over Xmas when we both had a good bit of time off - he jumped at it and said he was looking forward to meeting me, that he had lots of good memories of us together. Now, I'm afraid - he said his hair was snow white now, I said I was much heavier - I've gone from a size 12 to 18! I'm really nervous about meeting now, and think I was stupid - I've known for many years that we were right for each other. I'm worried about what he will think of me now etc. and also worried that there won't be anything there between us. Help!! I've been really stupid!!

ABajaninCork · 13-10-2014 12:29am

Well - After 12 years of course both of you have changed!! You'd be crazy not to expect 12 years to show in one way or another...

You're just meeting an old friend for coffee aren't you? Why not just keep it light and see where it takes you?

Aard · 13-10-2014 12:32am

You're better off meeting him whether or not yous rekindle the romance. Otherwise you might spend another 20 years asking yourself what might have happened.

Merkin · 13-10-2014 4:27am

Oh how exciting! Mr. Merkin and I reunited after twelve years and were married a year later! He said I was the one that got away

You simply cannot let your fears prevent you from meeting this guy, you said yourself you know he's the one for you so don't let nerves put you off when there is potential romance on the horizon. Go for it and good luck xx

DoYouEvenLift · 13-10-2014 4:41am

So you're not meeting until this Christmas? You could lose a considerable amount of weight in ~2 months, definitely a dress size or two, if it was something that was really bothering you to the point of it being a main reason in being unsure on not meeting him. You'll both be a lot different than the people you were back then so it's understandable to be nervous but you should see it as challenging yourself and look forward to meeting, a few drinks and you'll be grand.

LegacyUser · 13-10-2014 11:04am

From a purely female point of view:

If ever there was a reason to fork out to get your hair done that afternoon, its this.

And don't dress all in black - its not slimming, its bloody depressing.

Good luck!

CaraMay · 13-10-2014 11:55am

Merkin wrote: »

Oh how exciting! Mr. Merkin and I reunited after twelve years and were married a year later! He said I was the one that got away You simply cannot let your fears prevent you from meeting this guy, you said yourself you know he's the one for you so don't let nerves put you off when there is potential romance on the horizon. Go for it and good luck xx

I agree. Go for it. We met again after 16 years. Hecwasvalways my one that got away.

Take it slow but enjoy it.

doubter · 13-10-2014 4:02pm

Hannaho wrote: »

In my mid twenties, I went out with a guy for three years. We had lots in common and got on brilliantly, we were talking about getting married. However, I went through a traumatic family crisis, and moved to Australia to get away from it all. We met four times briefly over next ten years but our lives were going different directions. I married and separated. He had one relationship after me where the girl had a drink problem and treated him very poorly. He reportedly said he would never have a relationship again. He is now 54 and single. I am 47 and single with kids. I pass his old family home on the way to work each a.m. - I often thought about contacting him - I still have his number. Eventually, I did contact him - I didn't think he'd reply to my text, but he did. He said he was delighted to hear from me. I suggested coffee over Xmas when we both had a good bit of time off - he jumped at it and said he was looking forward to meeting me, that he had lots of good memories of us together. Now, I'm afraid - he said his hair was snow white now, I said I was much heavier - I've gone from a size 12 to 18! I'm really nervous about meeting now, and think I was stupid - I've known for many years that we were right for each other. I'm worried about what he will think of me now etc. and also worried that there won't be anything there between us. Help!! I've been really stupid!!

Oh wow. delighted for you. I think most people have that one person in their life.I certainly do and I'd kill for a chance to have this opportunity.Unfortunately I don't think that will ever happen, he's in canada now.
But by all means girl, go for it. What a fabulous thing to look forward to.>envy<

yermandan · 13-10-2014 4:12pm

This is amazing. Best of luck with it

JillyQ · 13-10-2014 5:00pm

Hannaho wrote: »

In my mid twenties, I went out with a guy for three years. We had lots in common and got on brilliantly, we were talking about getting married. However, I went through a traumatic family crisis, and moved to Australia to get away from it all. We met four times briefly over next ten years but our lives were going different directions. I married and separated. He had one relationship after me where the girl had a drink problem and treated him very poorly. He reportedly said he would never have a relationship again. He is now 54 and single. I am 47 and single with kids. I pass his old family home on the way to work each a.m. - I often thought about contacting him - I still have his number. Eventually, I did contact him - I didn't think he'd reply to my text, but he did. He said he was delighted to hear from me. I suggested coffee over Xmas when we both had a good bit of time off - he jumped at it and said he was looking forward to meeting me, that he had lots of good memories of us together. Now, I'm afraid - he said his hair was snow white now, I said I was much heavier - I've gone from a size 12 to 18! I'm really nervous about meeting now, and think I was stupid - I've known for many years that we were right for each other. I'm worried about what he will think of me now etc. and also worried that there won't be anything there between us. Help!! I've been really stupid!!

Best of luck with thIs op. Hope it all goes well. Think we all have the one that got away. Make the most if It & most importantly enjoy it.

AmberAmber · 13-10-2014 7:04pm

oh I just like every one else just want you to relax and enjoy !! my eyes are watering up here for you , I think its a lovely thing to do ,,, so excited for you !! You will melt away any worries the moment ye see one another. Time wont matter or colour of hair or body size,, its all in the eyes !!
but no harm in a new dress/ outfit and some new underwear to make you feel great.
you go girl !!! we are all behind you !!!

RoscommonTom · 13-10-2014 8:13pm

Definitely try to lose the bit of weight before you meet him or it could be to much of of shock for him, plenty of time if you put your mind to it like the other fella said, best of luck

ABajaninCork · 13-10-2014 8:38pm

RoscommonTom wrote: »

Definitely try to lose the bit of weight before you meet him or it could be to much of of shock for him, plenty of time if you put your mind to it like the other fella said, best of luck

Why should she? If the OP decides to lose weight it'll be for HERSELF and not some bloke...

What a nasty, sexist backhanded comment to make.

CaraMay · 13-10-2014 8:44pm

RoscommonTom wrote: »

Definitely try to lose the bit of weight before you meet him or it could be to much of of shock for him, plenty of time if you put your mind to it like the other fella said, best of luck

Should he dye his hair?

Mariasofia · 13-10-2014 8:46pm

Ah guys Ill play devils advocate and say maybe what he means is for her own confidence maybe if losing weight makes her feel great then go for it.....
I love a good feel good story......best of luck op..... x

DoYouEvenLift · 13-10-2014 9:04pm

RoscommonTom wrote: »

Definitely try to lose the bit of weight before you meet him or it could be to much of of shock for him, plenty of time if you put your mind to it like the other fella said, best of luck

If she decides to and does it right and healthily, no bullsh!t fad diets from <MOD SNIP> magazines or starving herself, she could easily lose about 20lbs, possibly even more, between now and Christmas and that'd be a very big improvement and confidence boost. It'd take a lot of hard work but the benefits it'd have would definitely pay off and be worth it for herself.

I could probably help you OP but it wouldn't be free and it'd be through the internet, so a reputable personal trainer in your area could be a better option if you'd be more receptive to that. Also, the health and fitness forum on here and on other websites would also be really helpful.

CaraMay wrote: »

Should he dye his hair?

If it'd make him more confident and raise his self esteem, sure.

stop animal cruelty · 13-10-2014 9:37pm

best of luck, hope it works out for you

....keep us posted!!

Taltos · 13-10-2014 9:39pm

Mod Note:
RoscommonTom & DoYouEvenLift - suggest you both have a read of our charter before you post again.
Similarly please do not post on this thread again.

The core thing we look for is that you give constructive advice in a civil manner. DoYouEvenLift - you use that word again in this forum and it will result in an immediate ban, we are as close to zero tolerance as you can get. RoscommonTom, having received a number of mod actions on this forum already you are dancing a thin line here.

All others - please keep your advice pertinent to the OP, if you have an issue with a post please report it.

Hannaho · 20-10-2014 10:37pm

Hi! Everyone, thanks very much for all your replies. It was very interesting to hear people being so positive about meeting up with an Ex. However, I decided not to go there - it was so painful to get over him the first time - even though I was the one who moved abroad because of family trauma. I'm also too embarrassed about my weight - I developed an underactive thyroid 10 years ago, and I find it very difficult to loose weight even though I am on medication for it. Again thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply - much appreciated!

ABajaninCork · 20-10-2014 10:47pm

Hannaho wrote: »

Hi! Everyone, thanks very much for all your replies. It was very interesting to hear people being so positive about meeting up with an Ex. However, I decided not to go there - it was so painful to get over him the first time - even though I was the one who moved abroad because of family trauma. I'm also too embarrassed about my weight - I developed an underactive thyroid 10 years ago, and I find it very difficult to loose weight even though I am on medication for it. Again thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply - much appreciated!

Oh no!! Don't be embarrassed about your weight. It's hardly your fault if you're on meds. If he's as nice a bloke as you say, it won't even matter to him.

What's the betting he doesn't look the same as you remember him?

Get yourself back out there girl! Go and have your hair done, get a nice outfit - doesn't need to cost much and no black! And invite him out for a coffee!!

What have you got to lose?

Buona Fortuna · 20-10-2014 11:09pm

Hannaho wrote: »

Hi! Everyone, thanks very much for all your replies. It was very interesting to hear people being so positive about meeting up with an Ex. However, I decided not to go there - it was so painful to get over him the first time - even though I was the one who moved abroad because of family trauma. I'm also too embarrassed about my weight - I developed an underactive thyroid 10 years ago, and I find it very difficult to loose weight even though I am on medication for it. Again thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply - much appreciated!

Hi Hannaho. I agree with ABajaninCork.

I've followed this thread though I didn't contribute until now.

I think if you don't go and meet him, it might be something you'll regret.

As ABajaninCork said just meet him for coffee. If it helps give yourself an appointment in an hour or so - that way you know that if it was absolutely awful (I'm sure it won't be) you know it will only last for so long.

20-10-2014 11:13pm

Oh please please please meet him

At the very least , you'll have met an old friend and caught up. But it could be something more
Whatever the outcome, you have nothing to loose
Ur still the same person you were back then, so please stop worrying about your weight, and get out there

Greenduck · 21-10-2014 11:12am

It’s better to regret something you did, than something you did'nt.

Go for it OP!

JillyQ · 21-10-2014 12:00pm

Op I met my ex after a few years, while it didn't go the way i thought it would it did give me complete closure onit. In other words any little doubts i had about it ending were finally put to rest. But if I didnt meet him I would still be wondering, I think its better to know one way or the other.

ladygirl · 21-10-2014 2:44pm

Delighted for you Op and I also suggest you use this as an opportunity to lose a little weight. Not saying for him - but do it for yourself.. Two months is loads of time to try shift a few pounds and this is the perfect bit of motivation required to do so. A healthier you is always gonna be a happier you

All the best xx

Jenneke87 · 21-10-2014 4:03pm

You'll always be wondering "what if" OP. Please do meet him and if it's not what you hoped for, then at least you can rest assured you gave it a shot and part ways again but who knows what you'll be missing out on. Do you really want to have your weight holding you back from meeting friends/potential suiters etc..? Please go!

michellie · 21-10-2014 5:26pm

People please stop suggesting for the OP to lose weight!

Awh I'm disappointed to read you will not meet up OP. I'm sure he will be disappointed too

J Mysterio · 21-10-2014 5:30pm

doubter wrote: »

Oh wow. delighted for you. I think most people have that one person in their life.I certainly do and I'd kill for a chance to have this opportunity.Unfortunately I don't think that will ever happen, he's in canada now.
But by all means girl, go for it. What a fabulous thing to look forward to.>envy<

Mine just got engaged.

Dolbert · 21-10-2014 7:37pm

DoYouEvenLift wrote: »

<Mod Snip, poster previously asked not to contribute to this thread again>

Because comments like yours have made her too embarrassed to meet him, when in fact it barely matters and completely disregards the reality that he has undoubtedly changed in the many years since they've met.

Go for it OP. If he's decent, he'll recognise that you're a human subject to physical changes, just like he is.

doubter · 22-10-2014 4:37pm

Oh OP you HAVE to go. you'll regret forever if you don't please don't let this chance slip.

Also,
something I learned recently...when attending a school reunion. People change- but you only see it for a split second. After that, once you hear your old friends talking, and moving, all of the sudden, they haven't changed one bit.They still are who they always were.The people you knew, and cared for. Go OP...please.

Sound Bite · 22-10-2014 9:01pm

You are 12 years waiting a second chance.....you may not get a third.

Be brave. Risk it. You have nothing to lose and potentially a lot to gain.

Please meet him

Geraldo · 22-10-2014 9:10pm

Hannaho wrote: »

Hi! Everyone, thanks very much for all your replies. It was very interesting to hear people being so positive about meeting up with an Ex. However, I decided not to go there - it was so painful to get over him the first time - even though I was the one who moved abroad because of family trauma. I'm also too embarrassed about my weight - I developed an underactive thyroid 10 years ago, and I find it very difficult to loose weight even though I am on medication for it. Again thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply - much appreciated!

If he's still on your mind after 12 years then you probably should meet him. At the very least it might help bring some closure. Don't mind the weight issue. If he has a problem with that then you'll know you dodged a bullet. More than likely he won't be bothered though.
Either way, good luck.

Hannaho · 29-10-2014 8:00am

Hi! All, thanks for all the replies - food for though! However, didn't end as I thought. My sister knew I was going to chicken out as we, the kids and I, had decided to go away to our holiday home in South East for Xmas, so wasn't going to be here to meet him, except weekend before Xmas. She persuaded me to text him and let him know that, and to suggest meeting up the weekend before Xmas or one of the weekends leading up to it - which I did, I suggested he call or text me then. I also said that while I don't remember dates and times like he did, I do remember the great conversations and chats we had, and that I had thought about contacting him previously when we were in Kildare for a wedding - he was teaching there - but was a little afraid to - he had been really angry when I moved to Australia all those years ago, saying he never wanted to see me again because of breaking up - I didn't want him to think that I had just broken up with someone and he was a rebound, and he had said he had hugely fond memories and was really looking forward to meeting. However, I got no reply at all - that was a week ago. I presume that means he has changed his mind. I know his sisters never liked me as I came from a one parent family myself - I don't know if they have influenced him. Now, they may feel that he could end up dating me and I am a single mother - though my kids are teenagers, I'm financially independent, have a good job, my own home and our holiday home. He knows I have a good job and am at a senior level, and that I live in the same house I bought when we were going out together. He does teach religion and music in a school, so maybe even friendship or the potential of more with a single mum wouldn't be acceptable. I was very influenced by Quakerism when I was at a Quaker school, and became a Quaker ten years ago, which he also knows - as we used to joke about what wonderful religion/spiritual tradition I was going to end up in! Maybe this is a big no no too! Anyway, I will never know now! Thanks agai

Buona Fortuna · 29-10-2014 9:22am

Hi Hannaho,

Another possibility is he could be thinking about your text. He might have similar sort of doubts that you had.

I'm always open to the possibilty of texts that go missing, phone problems, etc.

Don't rule it out just yet.:)

Wish you well Hann

Hannaho · 26-12-2014 8:46pm

Hi! All,

I did finally meet my ex - I had made an excuse, but a friend had arranged to meet us both, and didn't say to either of us that the other was coming. She left us a lone after half an hour, and we chatted for three hours solidly until I had to collect my kids from a friends house. He insisted on walking me to my car, took my hands and said he would have to have several brandys on the way home to get over the meeting; that he would ring me, I said I was away until 18th Jan - and maybe ring me after that. We laughed/joked etc. - that was a week before Xmas. He had also put on a lot of weight and probably looked older than his years. He said I looked about 10 years younger than my age - which a lot of people say. He told me he hadn't been in a relationship for 10 years as he had been in a very abusive relationship where the girl told him she had a lesbian partner after 7 years together.

Fast forward Christmas Eve - 6 days after we me - I sent a text to wish him Happy Xmas, said I was just going away for three wks which he knew, that I like him had been really nervous about meeting up, but was glad that we did; that I hoped we couldn't lose touch and could meet up now and then as friends - he comes home every third weekend to look after his mother - so I said if on those weekends he was ever at a lose end, he could phone me for coffee/drink. I didn't hear anything back until today - thought it might just be Xmas - got a text this p.m. saying he didn't want us to be in contact with each other again!!! I can't understand what happened - people who know him said there is no one else in his life, he told me so himself. In any case, he was my best friend during the years we went out, and I am quite happy just to meet up every so often and be friends - I sincerely, would value his friendship - does anyone have any idea what could have gone wrong?

ABajaninCork · 26-12-2014 9:07pm

Look - you met, had a laugh, had a great time. Sadly, he doesn't want to meet you again. He obviously has his reasons for not wanting to keep in contact and you have to respect that. I suppose, at least he was honest.

For you? You met him and 'scratched the itch'. You're no longer wondering 'What if?'. You have your answer.

Let it go and live your life. New Year - New YOU!!

Happy New Year!

Oink · 26-12-2014 9:12pm

I agree with the previous post. New year, new you.

Cherish the memories. Go make new ones.

Happy new year!

Faith · 26-12-2014 9:38pm

Two possibilities: 1. He is just not interested in having any kind of relationship with you. 2. He wants a relationship with you, and is either too scared to pursue it so is blocking you out to protect himself, or he didn't think you were interested in him, and he's again protecting himself.

What do you want from him? Is it friendship or a relationship? I think if it's just friendship, you should let it go at this point and move on. If it's a relationship, I'd personally be inclined to not let it go as easily.

Hannaho · 26-12-2014 9:42pm

Hi! Faith,

I want a relationship, but I would never push him - I know he went through 7 years with this girl, who I know from others, also had an alochol problem - he didn't leave her, which I can and can't understand. Everyone knew of their rows - they were legendary. I wasn't there at the time, but I know he was bereft when she left and moved in with her girlfriend - he had thought over many years that she wasn't attracted to him, but she was actually gay. I know he has been through a lot and I wouldn't want to push him - also its not my style.

Faith · 26-12-2014 10:16pm

Oh, absolutely don't push him, you're right. I'd probably respond to the text with something like "Hi john, I'm sorry to hear you don't want to be in touch any more. I really enjoyed seeing you again and I must admit, I'd hoped that maybe we would have a chance to explore rekindling our relationship. However, I totally respect your decision. All the best, hannaho".

That's just me though. I can't leave well enough alone, so I'm quite sure others would say that this is terrible advice and you should just leave it. Technically, even replying goes against his wish to not be in contact, but just given that you specifically said to him "that I hoped we couldn't lose touch and could meet up now and then as friends", I'd wonder if he realised you had a romantic interest in him, or if he saw the friends comment as an indication that you were no longer attracted to him in the slightest and was hurt by that.

Hannaho · 26-12-2014 10:21pm

Hi! Faith, I didn't want to frighten him by mentioning a relationship. I also said during our conversations about our past relationships that I thought good friendship was the basis of any good relationship - in the end, even if he met someone tomorrow, I would still be happy to meet up for coffee now and again and catch up. I think your're right though, I'll just text back and say I'm sorry to hear that he doesn't want to have contact again, but I respect his wishes, and leave it at that. Thanks so much for the advice.

Faith · 26-12-2014 10:31pm

I'm sorry it didn't work out that way you hoped it would, but at least you gave it a shot

strandroad · 26-12-2014 10:49pm

Hannaho wrote: »

Hi! Faith, I didn't want to frighten him by mentioning a relationship. I also said during our conversations about our past relationships that I thought good friendship was the basis of any good relationship - in the end, even if he met someone tomorrow, I would still be happy to meet up for coffee now and again and catch up. I think your're right though, I'll just text back and say I'm sorry to hear that he doesn't want to have contact again, but I respect his wishes, and leave it at that. Thanks so much for the advice.

You're very wise about it, kudos.

CountyHurler · 26-12-2014 11:17pm

I was bored tonight, and looking through boards for something interesting when I came across your post.... which the voyeur in me found a bit intriguing. So here's the man's point of view, fwiw....

I think you underestimate what you're leaving might have done to him... If you look at it, he was with you for three years (with the possibility of marriage) and you moved away from him, then married and had kids with somebody else.. Then he was with a second woman for seven years and she left him for a woman... So you'd forgive him for not embracing the idea of giving his heart away again... Maybe meeting you again just reminded him of the initial rejection and brought back all that pain...?

Also, you are the one who initiated this, so you've had a lot longer to think through what you wanted from the meeting... This has all pretty much landed on him, so I'm sure he needs a bit of time to get his head together..

Good luck..

honey79 · 26-12-2014 11:40pm

Faith wrote: »

I'm sorry it didn't work out that way you hoped it would, but at least you gave it a shot

Exactly no what if's now like most of us that were not as brave as OP
Well done on going to meet him in the first place x

Sound Bite · 27-12-2014 1:15am

Can't add to this but agree with suggestion above to text & say you're very sorry to hear it, you respect his decision but would love to hear from him in the future if things change.

Then move on with your own life. It appears he's not in a place to have a relationship now but who knows, that may change.

Sorry it didn't work out but I still think you had to give it a shot!!

JillyQ · 27-12-2014 1:31am

Hi op glad you met up with him after all these years. Im sorry it didnt work for you. But as faith said it could have been selfpresavition on his part. I would drop him a text & let him know you will be there for him if he needs a friend. As I saId meeting a ex can give closure but it can also lead to questions. My very first boyfriend has just got back in contact with me after well over 20yrs.

Meeting ex again after 12 years

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