Would you break up family over a gut feeling?

LegacyUser · 17-05-2008 12:18pm #1

I'll try to keep this brief. I dont think my partner was were he said he was last night which is at karate. His suit is spotless, smells of washing powder and is not creased or the ends not stood on as you would expect. SOmeone may have been on their back but it wasnt him in that suit. And unless he was knitting in it he wasnt wearing it to do strenous sports. He has in fact proven he was in the vicinity by means of his parking meter tickets. But this doesnt make me feel any more convinced. His civvy's reek of aftershave and deodorant yet none transferred to his suit. Wives and partners of guys that do sport may know where i am coming from, i have been washing it for him for years. There was only one other time i accused him of not being there i just got this feeling out of the blue and i was right, but he was actually out buying me a ring.The other thing is he didnt smell of sweat or have a shower last night which is most most unusual. Particularly in this weather.

I know this on its own makes me sound delirious but our sex life is brutal since the birth of our baby, i had a traumatic birth and am dragging myself out of post natal depression. ALthough I am trying hard, i was gonna drop the kids to my mothers for a couple of hours to spend a bits of adult time together the other day but he had a w*nk and went to the gym instead, saying it was too much trouble getting dressed and undressed and showering and that we could do it in bed. He wouldnt come to bed then later on. Excuse the crudeness but even i'm laughing at the whole thing now. There are other things that i wont list but the one thing that keeps me from believing him is this gut wrenching, sick feeling that i call my gut instinct. Its actually never let me down before. When i am just having thoughts i treat them as such and pass them off but this is something i cant ignore as its usually right even my friends have agreed. But do i break up my family over it? My advice on here has always been to trust your gut if something doesnt feel right then it usually isnt but where do you draw the line at paranoia and gut instincts.

I know i said i would keep it brief apologies.

monkeytronics · 17-05-2008 2:38pm

I am sorry to say this but you do, as you state, sound delirious as well as being very possessive and potentially immature.

You are debating in your head to break up a marriage on the basis of a gut feeling? You should be debating whether to sit your husband down and discuss the situation. Think about this, if you had decided to break up the marriage the last time this happened, only to find out after that he was out buying you a present, how would you feel now?

I appreciate the fact that your sex life may not be great at the moment and the issues brought on by any type of depression. The (re) actions of your husband (i.e. not showing care & understanding towards you) cannot be condoned and both of you need to sit down and discuss the situation in detail and to understand each others feelings on the situation. No doubt, the arrival of a new baby (whether its your first or not) is a stressful time for both parents.

SOmeone may have been on their back but it wasnt him in that suit

This line above makes you sound very immature to be honest!!!
Maybe your husband was stressed and didnt feel up to karate and went to a bar for a drink. To be honest I wouldn't blame him for the way you come across. Having said that, there could be a 100 things your husband could have been doing - perhaps buying u present to make up for how he treated you? but not one of those 100 things may be him sleeping with someone else.

I suggest you discuss the matter with your husband before making any "whim" decisions and I also suggest that you see someone about your depression.

my apologies if I have come across as very harsh but I think you are jumping to some serious conclusions that could seriously effect your life, your husband's life and your childrens lives for no reason.

RedXIV · 17-05-2008 2:38pm

Instincts and evidence are not the same. Your husband may not have gone to karate but that does not instantly mean he's gone out to wreck your marriage. he may have gone out to a club or party. he may have gone for a few sly ones with the lads. there's literally hundreds of things he could have done before he's done something to ruin this marriage so i'd say you've hit paranoia.

If it's bothering you so much, simply ask him. Point out you KNOW that he wasn't training in his suit and ask where he snuck off to. don't do it in an accusational tone or he'll probably over react. if he does overreact when you lightly ask it of him, THEN you have cause to worry

LegacyUser · 17-05-2008 2:50pm

Sorry I should have said I have discussed it with him and he denied it, said he did go to where he said he went. But isnt that what all people do? Why lie in the first place? He was out Wednesday and Thursday, why would i give out about friday?

Would you consider him calling me a stupid c*nt to be over-reacting? I dont mind if replies are harsh if they are honset. A lot i have not put down here may paint a better picture but whats the point, you cant judge on a thread. Maybe i am a stupid c*nt, maybe i'm not, but one thing is for sure - there was no present this time:-) I'm not asking people do they think he cheated i am just asking how far your trust your instincts. I dont even think he went so far as to sleep with someone, maybe a drink i dont know. But i dont like lies or deceit, i dont do it to him, i expect the same courtesy.

I am getting help for my depression also thanks.

LegacyUser · 17-05-2008 3:02pm

I'm going on the defensive here but i guess thats what you get when you give half the story. We have been 'fighting' about our sex life for months. Hes not a bad guy, i dont even think he is the cheating type. But we were on the verge of breaking up over sex before.

I explained about the post natal depression, hell i even got his mother to explain how a woamn can lose her sex drive and that i was trying to sort myself out but it got to the point that that in the heat of the moment in a row, (we had had sex the saturday he was in his moods by the Tuesday that he wasnt getting any and i was getting the silent treatment!!) that i said right i can do no more than i am doing,cooking, cleaning, washing, raising the kids and then expected to drop my pants at the click of a finger, i told him to get it elsewhere and he said he would. I asked the next day did he mean what he said and he said yes if you leave me no option. Of course i went balistic and he 'changed his mind'. I guess thats what has me paranoid. As well as the fact that his friend is a cheater and although he says he doesnt condone it he feels his friend is justified in doing so. So i wonder does he feel justified too cos once a week is not good enough for him while i get back to myself.

Maybe it is my depression.

allabouteve · 17-05-2008 3:29pm

leavingonawhim wrote: »

I'm going on the defensive here but i guess thats what you get when you give half the story. We have been 'fighting' about our sex life for months. Hes not a bad guy, i dont even think he is the cheating type. But we were on the verge of breaking up over sex before.

I explained about the post natal depression, hell i even got his mother to explain how a woamn can lose her sex drive and that i was trying to sort myself out but it got to the point that that in the heat of the moment in a row, (we had had sex the saturday he was in his moods by the Tuesday that he wasnt getting any and i was getting the silent treatment!!) that i said right i can do no more than i am doing,cooking, cleaning, washing, raising the kids and then expected to drop my pants at the click of a finger, i told him to get it elsewhere and he said he would. I asked the next day did he mean what he said and he said yes if you leave me no option. Of course i went balistic and he 'changed his mind'. I guess thats what has me paranoid. As well as the fact that his friend is a cheater and although he says he doesnt condone it he feels his friend is justified in doing so. So i wonder does he feel justified too cos once a week is not good enough for him while i get back to myself.

Maybe it is my depression.

Just because you're depressed doesn't mean you're wrong (or right). Going without sex for 3 days isn't the same excuse as going without for 3months. Is he jealous of the attention you give the children? What kind of dad is he?
Do you usually trust him?

LegacyUser · 17-05-2008 3:36pm

allabouteve wrote: »

Just because you're depressed doesn't mean you're wrong (or right). Going without sex for 3 days isn't the same excuse as going without for 3months. Is he jealous of the attention you give the children? What kind of dad is he?
Do you usually trust him?

Thanks for the reply. Um, hes a good enough dad, its his first so hes not as doey eyed as i thought he would be and a bit lax tbh. I dont think hes jealous of the children, i think he finds it difficult to understand my lack of sex drive as i had a high one before. I have constantly reassured him that its not him i am very attracted to him and that it will come back. I'm not outwardly depressed, my chores are done, the children looked after etc but i dont go out and i have few friends, one maybe. I have tried to take steps by paying more attention to my appearance the way i once did, but this is only in the last week or two, it was starting to work a little.

I dont know if i trust him. In saying that i think he would be the hold hands type for a while, i dont think he would just jump into bed with just anyone. I'm 5 years older and he keeps telling me he is in his prime. I'm insecure as you have probably guessed but i'm just not sure where to go from here. Maybe i was hasty in saying i would leave over this but i have discussed it and he denied it so i guess its up to me to believe him or not?

aidan24326 · 17-05-2008 4:08pm

It seems your husband is not being very understanding of your situation since the baby arrived, your depression etc. He sounds like a selfish twat to be honest, and you really need to have a talk with him.

But I'm not surprised he might lie (if he did) about where he's been with such an overbearing wife. Just read the thread title you wrote!! Bloody hell, break up your family on a stupid whim? You have a 'gut feeling', who are you Mystic Meg?

You're putting 2 and 2 together and coming up with 47, jumping way ahead of yourself. Your depression is perhaps causing you to think in ways that you might not normally so sorry if I sound harsh. Hopefully once you get over that things can return to normal, but if you're under pressure with looking after the baby/housework etc make sure your husband is helping you out, it doesn't sound like you're getting much support.

But you have zero evidence that he's cheating, so be careful of jumping to rash and unfounded conclusions.

Collie D · 17-05-2008 4:57pm

Agree with most of the above. You sound a tad paranoid. I've gone out with someone who was always suspicious and it turns out to be a pain in the balls and leads to fights and yes I have probably used the phrase "stupid c*nt" when accused of cheating. Actually the more I read your post and write my reply the more I wonder how I stuck her for so long.

Anyway, enough about me. How can you consider breaking up on a gut feeling? I think you need to think this one through.

Oryx · 17-05-2008 5:30pm

How far should you trust your instincts? As far as it takes to push your situation with your husband towards honesty on both sides. Thats all. You should not simply walk out now. Not based on anything you have said here. To me as an outsider, listening to what you are saying, it sounds to me like you have both lost sight of each other in the muddle that is birth, childrearing and general life. Because of a lack of real communication, about sex and possibly other things, you are both entrenched in bitterness and anger with each other. Thats how it sounds anyway. Why else would you tell your hb to get sex elsewhere, and why else would he agree?

Im sure you dont really want to leave. Thats your fury talking. You want him to stop lying and sneaking, sure, and to see your point of view. Time to start talking, not walking out.

LegacyUser · 17-05-2008 5:33pm

Yes i can see how may get a sense that i am overbearing. And maybe saying leave based on a gut instinct is a bit sill.

But how about leave because there is an obvious lack of trust. Leave because i'm not happy. Leave because i feel unappreciated and unsupported. He wouldnt have his karate suit if it wasnt washed for him so this accusation is not every week etc. Because i am blue in the face having heart to hearts telling him how i feel and he is probably blue in the face from talking also. I'm sick of the silent treatment, I want to go to bed and not feel guilty about going straight to sleep! I do love him, and i am sure he loves me. But something has to give one way or another. Its not his fault i have no life or friends but i intend to get some and start living again and when i do i wont be telling lies about where i have been or whom i have been with cos i wont have anything to hide

My last reply has not come up yet to allabouteve.

But thanks for the replies.

LegacyUser · 17-05-2008 5:40pm

Oryx wrote: »

How far should you trust your instincts? As far as it takes to push your situation with your husband towards honesty on both sides. Thats all. You should not simply walk out now. Not based on anything you have said here. To me as an outsider, listening to what you are saying, it sounds to me like you have both lost sight of each other in the muddle that is birth, childrearing and general life. Because of a lack of real communication, about sex and possibly other things, you are both entrenched in bitterness and anger with each other. Thats how it sounds anyway. Why else would you tell your hb to get sex elsewhere, and why else would he agree?

Im sure you dont really want to leave. Thats your fury talking. You want him to stop lying and sneaking, sure, and to see your point of view. Time to start talking, not walking out.

Thanks, that makes sense.

Carrigart Exile · 17-05-2008 7:54pm

Might I sugeest you take the weekend off at a Girlfriends and leave him with the baby over the weekend. When you come home on Sunday night demand sex, lets see if he is up for it.

Re Gut Instinct, I find its true regarding if someone is telling porkies, just not necessarily why. And, can I say two other bits of advice (sorry I am on my high horse):

don't ever tell your partner to get it elsewhere; and

no matter how angry you are never tell him its not his child (another hurter used by angry people)

You need time to you, have you had any time without the baby since it was borm?

LegacyUser · 17-05-2008 8:34pm

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

Might I sugeest you take the weekend off at a Girlfriends and leave him with the baby over the weekend. When you come home on Sunday night demand sex, lets see if he is up for it.

Re Gut Instinct, I find its true regarding if someone is telling porkies, just not necessarily why. And, can I say two other bits of advice (sorry I am on my high horse):

don't ever tell your partner to get it elsewhere; and

no matter how angry you are never tell him its not his child (another hurter used by angry people)

You need time to you, have you had any time without the baby since it was borm?

No no time away as such but this is again my fault as i am very attached and hate leaving my children. I never told him the baby wasnt his but i did say about getting it elsewhere. He knows i was just angry and i would never allow an open relationship, if he doesnt like it he knows where the door is and if that sounds harsh then so be it, i do have some standards left despite my self esteem being on the floor.

Maybe i am not right about this, only he knows the answer. Like most other posters here that ask similar questions, the ball is in my court to believe him or not. Right now he is not coming back tongiht. We will probably make up in a couple of days and my questions will be tucked away in a dark corner of my mind til another incident occurs. My family and his all take his side, say hes not the type and would bet their lives on it. They dont know everything though so i am basically on my own on this one hence reaching out and asking strangers.

I feel myself softening up, doubting myself, telling myself i am mad, but when i look at that suit i know, or at least i think i know that it was not worn. Such a silly thing, so small, trivial and meaningless to other people, yet an indication that there are lies and deceit in my relationship and it sours it, regardless of whether or not its indicative of cheating going on. There is no need for lies, i dont think i am as bad as i have made myself seem, he is hardly cowering in a corner afraid to tell me he met his friend for a pint.....

AARRRGH · 17-05-2008 8:57pm

It sounds like your relationship was based around sex. Now that the sex is gone, you've both realised there isn't much else going on.

He's clearly not ready to be a father, whatever about being married. "I'm in my prime", "I'm going to look elsewhere for sex". And then he goes out a few nights a week. What a prick.

I do think your gut instinct is probably right. Be careful though, as you are over analysing things, and it kind of sounds like you are trying to find problems everywhere.

Could you try writing him a letter? It'll let you put down your thoughts in a structured, non-confrontational way, and he will be able to read it a few times and have a think about it.

LegacyUser · 17-05-2008 9:17pm

dublindude wrote: »

It sounds like your relationship was based around sex. Now that the sex is gone, you've both realised there isn't much else going on.

He's clearly not ready to be a father, whatever about being married. "I'm in my prime", "I'm going to look elsewhere for sex". And then he goes out a few nights a week. What a prick.

I do think your gut instinct is probably right. Be careful though, as you are over analysing things, and it kind of sounds like you are trying to find problems everywhere.

Could you try writing him a letter? It'll let you put down your thoughts in a structured, non-confrontational way, and he will be able to read it a few times and have a think about it.

I have made him sound like a prick havent i, but in his defence he doesnt go out normally. Just work and back and comes shopping with me etc. All he has is his karate and gym and 3 times in one week is most unusual. He only said that in a temper about getting it elsewhere as that was my answer to our problems.

I think i am looking for reasons or excuses and maybe my accusations are totally unfounded. We will have a breather for a few days and take it from there.

seahorse · 18-05-2008 1:11am

I havent read the whole thread OP, but I'd just like to say you ought to trust your instincts. If they havent let you down before there's no reason to think they've suddenly failed you now. Any time in my life I ignored my intuition I was sharply reminded not to do so again. As to how far I'd take that trust, I wouldnt take it so far as to break up a marriage; but I would certainly take it so far as to keep my eyes open and get to the bottom of whether or not there was evidence to support the wisdom of maintaining or dissolving that marriage.

If I were you I'd bear in mind that there's something undiscovered behind every lie and concealment, so if you know you are being lied to all that's left to find out is what that something is. Good luck with it, and keep your eyes open.

Oh by the way, my partner is also into martial arts so I hear you on the obviously unworn clothes issue. You have, as one poster pointed out, zero evidence that he's been cheating, but what you do have is evidence you've been lied to; if I were you I'd be making sure I found out why.

LegacyUser · 18-05-2008 1:23am

seahorse wrote: »

I havent read the whole thread OP, but I'd just like to say you ought to trust your instincts. If they havent let you down before there's no reason to think they've suddenly failed you now. Any time in my life I ignored my intuition I was sharply reminded not to do so again. As to how far I'd take that trust, I wouldnt take it so far as to break up a marriage; but I would certainly take it so far as to keep my eyes open and get to the bottom of whether or not there was evidence to support the wisdom of maintaining or dissolving that marriage.

If I were you I'd bear in mind that there's something undiscovered behind every lie and concealment, so if you know you are being lied to all that's left to find out is what that something is. Good luck with it, and keep your eyes open.

Oh by the way, my partner is also into martial arts so I hear you on the obviously unworn clothes issue. You have, as one poster pointed out, zero evidence that he's been cheating, but what you do have is evidence you've been lied to; if I were you I'd be making sure I found out why.

Thanks. Thats what scares me. Not that he didnt go to karate but why he didnt go and why lie about it. Its so sad i am checking that damn suit all day. Its white naturally and sometimes he comes home filthy, but nothing on it now. Not even a crease in the knee, the arm. The ends of the pants are spotless. I was even sniffing the pits for christs sake. Its still folded as it was when he put it in the bag when he ironed it and left.

Yet the fear is there, what if i'm wrong and driving him away, maybe the studio just got a good bloody cleaner in or he wasnt doing it as strenously as usual but 2 1/2 hours of jumping around, kicking etc surely that would leave a mark, a smell, sweat? I dunno i am driving myself mad and possibly him too. But if i am right and he just keeps denying it what else can i do, i have no way to get any proof of anything.

Carrigart Exile · 18-05-2008 7:49am

leavingonawhim wrote: »

No no time away as such but this is again my fault as i am very attached and hate leaving my children. I never told him the baby wasnt his but i did say about getting it elsewhere. He knows i was just angry and i would never allow an open relationship, if he doesnt like it he knows where the door is and if that sounds harsh then so be it, i do have some standards left despite my self esteem being on the floor.

Maybe i am not right about this, only he knows the answer. Like most other posters here that ask similar questions, the ball is in my court to believe him or not. Right now he is not coming back tongiht. We will probably make up in a couple of days and my questions will be tucked away in a dark corner of my mind til another incident occurs. My family and his all take his side, say hes not the type and would bet their lives on it. They dont know everything though so i am basically on my own on this one hence reaching out and asking strangers.

I feel myself softening up, doubting myself, telling myself i am mad, but when i look at that suit i know, or at least i think i know that it was not worn. Such a silly thing, so small, trivial and meaningless to other people, yet an indication that there are lies and deceit in my relationship and it sours it, regardless of whether or not its indicative of cheating going on. There is no need for lies, i dont think i am as bad as i have made myself seem, he is hardly cowering in a corner afraid to tell me he met his friend for a pint.....

Hey OP I wasn't criticising you, I know how difficult life can be after a child comes along. And, certainly no one is suggesting an open relationship but comments like 'he knows where the door is' sound awfully confrontational. My wife suffered badly from the baby blues and it was hell on earth. She was aggressive, paranoid and very confrontational.......and she regularly told me to get it elsewhere and that the child wasn't mine. She told me later she felt very unattractive and almost in a permarage.

Stay strong for you and the baby but also try and get some time for you, a wee bit of pampering, a glass of wine or two with the girls.

chuci · 18-05-2008 3:21pm

op you need time away i think this kinda stress isnt good for your baby blues. maybe try to give the kids to the grandparents or to your partner if he is around, go to a spa for a day or something to just chill out or even if that is a bit pricey maybe just a massage or something. when your post baby blues are after subsiding maybe go to couples counselling. you know that he wasnt at his class but that doesnt mean that he was off having sex with someone maybe he went for some alone time just for a walk or even just a drive before he had to come home.

he doesnt sound understanding of your postnatal depression try to explain(as you said you have) but to really hit it home that its s**t and you just need help.you said you were over protective of the children and that he wasnt really interested are you disapproving of him when he does something with the baby like saying "your feeding him/her all wrong, just let me do it"? just when a baby arrives the dad can feel left out as all the focus is on this baby when it just used be the two of you or whatever.

try to involve him more like the two of you put the baby to bed or go for walks together. if this isnt possible maybe you could join a yoga class or something it will make you more relaxed, give you at least2 hours out of the house and the exercise will help with your depression. hope this helps.

Carrigart Exile · 19-05-2008 9:46am

leavingonawhim wrote: »

Thanks. Thats what scares me. Not that he didnt go to karate but why he didnt go and why lie about it. Its so sad i am checking that damn suit all day. Its white naturally and sometimes he comes home filthy, but nothing on it now. Not even a crease in the knee, the arm. The ends of the pants are spotless. I was even sniffing the pits for christs sake. Its still folded as it was when he put it in the bag when he ironed it and left.

Yet the fear is there, what if i'm wrong and driving him away, maybe the studio just got a good bloody cleaner in or he wasnt doing it as strenously as usual but 2 1/2 hours of jumping around, kicking etc surely that would leave a mark, a smell, sweat? I dunno i am driving myself mad and possibly him too. But if i am right and he just keeps denying it what else can i do, i have no way to get any proof of anything.

Just a thought on the kit issue but does he teach the sport as well. If he was standing around taking youngsters through their paces.

LegacyUser · 19-05-2008 10:14am

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

Just a thought on the kit issue but does he teach the sport as well. If he was standing around taking youngsters through their paces.

No unfortunately not. I thought i was going crazy, my mum was telling me i was being ridiuclous so i took his suit down to her and she said she was very sorry to say it did not look worn. She was upset herself as she loves him and almost always takes his side when i get on my high horse, or at least when i am wrong.

I'm scared I am wrong, but hes gone now anyway so it doesnt matter anymore.

craichoe · 19-05-2008 11:39am

Not that he didnt go to karate but why he didnt go and why lie about it. Its so sad i am checking that damn suit all day. Its white naturally and sometimes he comes home filthy, but nothing on it now. Not even a crease in the knee, the arm. The ends of the pants are spotless. I was even sniffing the pits for christs sake. Its still folded as it was when he put it in the bag when he ironed it and left.

OP, your Post Natal depression is going to affect your thought processes. Theres a kid involved too, i think the only thing you can do is be as rational as possible and explain your feelings and fears to him, if hes any man worth his salt he'll know where your coming from, don't let it turn into an accusation/shouting match. If needed get a small break away at a friends house or something.

Over analysing is going to tear you up, at the end of the day he's either lying or he isn't.

If he did want to lie about where he was etc, theres alot of easier ways to do it.

Stench Blossoms · 19-05-2008 3:25pm

If it was me i'm normally go with my gut feelings but since you said your suffering from post natal depression i'd put alot more thought into it.

I agree with craichoe, since there is a child involved you should try be as rational as possible.

AARRRGH · 19-05-2008 3:28pm

leavingonawhim wrote: »

I'm scared I am wrong, but hes gone now anyway so it doesnt matter anymore.

Do you mean he has left you / you have kicked him out?

LegacyUser · 19-05-2008 10:12pm

A bit of both. I had said he better have an explanation when he got home on saturday or he could pack his bags. He didnt come home, said he would get them sunday. Then he said he would get them monday. I asked him if he wanted to sort things out, he didnt.

He got his stuff this evening, didnt say a word. Had told me before hand not to open my mouth while he got his things so i didnt.

The whole thing from saturday til now was done through text. He hung up when i called him and wouldnt talk when he came over.

So hes either very guilty or very pissed off at being wrongfully accused.

Carrigart Exile · 20-05-2008 2:48am

leavingonawhim wrote: »

A bit of both. I had said he better have an explanation when he got home on saturday or he could pack his bags. He didnt come home, said he would get them sunday. Then he said he would get them monday. I asked him if he wanted to sort things out, he didnt.

He got his stuff this evening, didnt say a word. Had told me before hand not to open my mouth while he got his things so i didnt.

The whole thing from saturday til now was done through text. He hung up when i called him and wouldnt talk when he came over.

So hes either very guilty or very pissed off at being wrongfully accused.

where has he gone too?

LegacyUser · 20-05-2008 8:17am

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

where has he gone too?

His mothers. And believe me she tells me everything, up to the minute updates so if he wasnt there i'd know. (I think).

Mullah · 20-05-2008 9:31am

Mind boggling stuff.

You fixate on one matter so that it completely dominates you, decides your "intuition" is a fine standard of proof, accuse him of infidelity and rejects his denial (again based on the fine work of Detective Intuition), then give him an ultimatum based on an accusation he has already denied, and force him out of the house.

Thats some going. Two possibilities spring to my mind.

(a) You are either suffering from post natal depression far more than you realise and need professional help immediately, or

(b) For whatever reason, you are not equipped to be partner in an adult relationship and he has belatedly come to that conclusion also.

One final thought:

>My family and his all take his side, say hes not the type and would bet their lives on it. They dont know everything though so i am basically on my own on this one hence reaching out and asking strangers<

They are all wrong and you are the voice of reason in all this?

Really?

LegacyUser · 20-05-2008 9:53am

Mullah wrote: »

Mind boggling stuff.

You fixate on one matter so that it completely dominates you, decides your "intuition" is a fine standard of proof, accuse him of infidelity and rejects his denial (again based on the fine work of Detective Intuition), then give him an ultimatum based on an accusation he has already denied, and force him out of the house.

Thats some going. Two possibilities spring to my mind.

(a) You are either suffering from post natal depression far more than you realise and need professional help immediately, or

(b) For whatever reason, you are not equipped to be partner in an adult relationship and he has belatedly come to that conclusion also.

One final thought:

>My family and his all take his side, say hes not the type and would bet their lives on it. They dont know everything though so i am basically on my own on this one hence reaching out and asking strangers<

They are all wrong and you are the voice of reason in all this?

Really?

I never said i was right. Re-read my posts. I also said i didnt accuse him of infidelity, i clearly told him I thought he could have gone for a drive or anything else that does not have to involve another woman.

there are lots of issues, again re-read my posts about being unhappy and rowing over sex constantly. Maybe I am looking for things that are wrong cos i dont have the balls to just stand up and be left on my own with two children without a damn good reason.

Its over either way so thanks for all the replies. It does the head good to be kicked into touch.

chuci · 20-05-2008 10:28am

op give him a few days to sort out things in his head same could be said for you. maybe both of you are too immature for an adult relationship especially one with kids, but none of that can be reversed now. you should both sit down maybe with a mediator and try to shed some light on even if ye want to be together any more. its seems from you posts that sex seemed to be the glue holding ye together and now that its gone there is nothing else? what was it like when the first child arrived?

LegacyUser · 20-05-2008 10:43am

The rows continued throughout the pregnancy regarding sex. I was nervous as i had suffered 2 previous miscarriages. He told me he wouldnt cuddle me or hug me then as he was only getting himself worked up by being close.

I had a section and as soon as the recommended 6 weeks was up the rows started up again. I was extremely sore, it lasted longer than i expected and then i had the worry of having precancer cells on my cervix that they were waiting for the baby to be born to do something about.

All in all i suppose i do blame him for my unhappiness, he is a nice guy, but we have no life. We had agreed to go to counselling but it never happened. Hes put up with a lot and i am feeling pretty hard done by as i have to do all the cooking cleaning and washing etc as well as look after the kids.

I'm going to my doctor now and i will ask if i can go back to work. I think it will do me good.

Oryx · 20-05-2008 10:43am

Whatever about whats gone on before, you cannot leave it like this. Even if you are both so furious you cant bear talking, you have children, so you must talk, even if its simply to sort out financial and care arrangements for them.

To say 'its over anyway' and stubbornly leave it is something you cant do. If you are close to his family, get in touch, get them to mediate for now, and to convince him that a meeting and talk is necessary. I would recommend such a meeting has a completely impartial person present though.

LegacyUser · 20-05-2008 10:48am

Oryx wrote: »

Whatever about whats gone on before, you cannot leave it like this. Even if you are both so furious you cant bear talking, you have children, so you must talk, even if its simply to sort out financial and care arrangements for them.

To say 'its over anyway' and stubbornly leave it is something you cant do. If you are close to his family, get in touch, get them to mediate for now, and to convince him that a meeting and talk is necessary. I would recommend such a meeting has a completely impartial person present though.

He has told me by text he will converse with me regarding the children but nothing more. Oh the kids will be seen, i would never use them as a weapon, in fact i think he may see them today, but he will see them at my mothers if i am not there. He said he will give me maintenance etc. Anything happens regarding the children he knows he will be the first to know. I tried to open a dialogue last night when he text to say he would talk to me regarding the children but he was having none of it.

Thats why i am saying leave it, not out of stubborness, he just wont talk.

Oryx · 20-05-2008 11:11am

leavingonawhim wrote: »

He has told me by text he will converse with me regarding the children but nothing more. Oh the kids will be seen, i would never use them as a weapon, in fact i think he may see them today, but he will see them at my mothers if i am not there. He said he will give me maintenance etc. Anything happens regarding the children he knows he will be the first to know. I tried to open a dialogue last night when he text to say he would talk to me regarding the children but he was having none of it.

Thats why i am saying leave it, not out of stubborness, he just wont talk.

Well he will have to, at some point. Otherwise the anger he is obviously feeling towards you will bleed out into your dealings in every area. Ive seen it happen, icy coldness may get him by initially, but those raw feelings will need to be expressed at some point. You both need to move on in whatever direction you go, and that wont happen till you clear up this stalemate youre in right now. Make sure he knows that when you say dialogue, you mean you are willing to listen to his side, and not make assumptions, which perhaps is something he might percieve?

LegacyUser · 20-05-2008 11:32am

Oryx wrote: »

Well he will have to, at some point. Otherwise the anger he is obviously feeling towards you will bleed out into your dealings in every area. Ive seen it happen, icy coldness may get him by initially, but those raw feelings will need to be expressed at some point. You both need to move on in whatever direction you go, and that wont happen till you clear up this stalemate youre in right now. Make sure he knows that when you say dialogue, you mean you are willing to listen to his side, and not make assumptions, which perhaps is something he might percieve?

I made it quite clear i was willing to listen, i told him i would try to explain why i felt the way i did, regarding the kararte suit and deeper than that too. I also used that exact term, stalemate. I'm not bitter, i never was, i had remained friends with most of my ex's or at least i did until i settled down then it was no longer appropriate.

Ishindar · 20-05-2008 12:46pm

leavingonawhim wrote: »

The rows continued throughout the pregnancy regarding sex. I was nervous as i had suffered 2 previous miscarriages. He told me he wouldnt cuddle me or hug me then as he was only getting himself worked up by being close.

I had a section and as soon as the recommended 6 weeks was up the rows started up again. I was extremely sore, it lasted longer than i expected and then i had the worry of having precancer cells on my cervix that they were waiting for the baby to be born to do something about.

All in all i suppose i do blame him for my unhappiness, he is a nice guy, but we have no life. We had agreed to go to counselling but it never happened. Hes put up with a lot and i am feeling pretty hard done by as i have to do all the cooking cleaning and washing etc as well as look after the kids.

I'm going to my doctor now and i will ask if i can go back to work. I think it will do me good.

sorry but this is not a Man u are talking about its a boy. he gave u no support during your pregnancy or afterwards. in fact he even gave u a bigger burden. hes a "nice guy"? i dont think so! he is very caught up in himself and his own needs and blind to your far greater needs. "Hes put up with a lot" .. thats all part of being a man and supporting your pregnant partner.
hes very immature and not really up to the basic challenges of life yet. sorry u got bad one and maybe better to just let him go back to the playground.

Sugar Drunk · 20-05-2008 2:54pm

im so sorry to read what has happened. Is there anyway he would be prepared to meet with you and have a rational talk?

Its hard to know if he cheated or not. Normally I would say trust your instincts but you have to remember that when suffering with depression your instincts can be way out of whack. Yes he did not wear the suit. The fact that he wont tell you why is odd but it does not mean 100% that he cheated.

To be honest what this thread really brings out is that post natal depression affects the man as well as the woman. peter andre spoke about this in an interview recently and it was interesting to hear his perspective. You are suffering and you have an illness and you have my sympathy and have every right to be upset while trying to get over post natal depression.
But, your husband has also been affected from the sound of it you didnt have sex when you were pregnant and very little for a long time afterwards. From your husbands perspective thats got to be frustrating! his wife is pregnant, then sore then ill. He has not had sex in ages and has to deal with you being ill and to be honest thats got to be draining.

Do you stili love him? If the answers yes then you need to fight for what you love. Try your best to get him to meet you and try and reach some kind of agreement or closure. If you love him and want to get back with him that will really only work if you are both honest and can admit that you both had problems

melon_collie · 20-05-2008 3:27pm

sorry but this is not a Man u are talking about its a boy. he gave u no support during your pregnancy or afterwards. in fact he even gave u a bigger burden. hes a "nice guy"? i dont think so! he is very caught up in himself and his own needs and blind to your far greater needs. "Hes put up with a lot" .. thats all part of being a man and supporting your pregnant partner.
hes very immature and not really up to the basic challenges of life yet. sorry u got bad one and maybe better to just let him go back to the playground.

+1.....I totally agree. He sounds like a total boll**. Even if you did accuse him in the wrong. He offered you no support throughout your pregnancy and probably caused you unnecessary stress. He should have cared for you and looked after you especiallly after the previous failed pregnancies. TBH I think you're better off without him

craichoe · 20-05-2008 3:40pm

melon_collie wrote: »

sorry but this is not a Man u are talking about its a boy. he gave u no support during your pregnancy or afterwards. in fact he even gave u a bigger burden. hes a "nice guy"? i dont think so! he is very caught up in himself and his own needs and blind to your far greater needs. "Hes put up with a lot" .. thats all part of being a man and supporting your pregnant partner.
hes very immature and not really up to the basic challenges of life yet. sorry u got bad one and maybe better to just let him go back to the playground.

+1.....I totally agree. He sounds like a total boll**. Even if you did accuse him in the wrong. He offered you no support throughout your pregnancy and probably caused you unnecessary stress. He should have cared for you and looked after you especiallly after the previous failed pregnancies. TBH I think you're better off without him

Remeber though, the OP previously stated that his and her family agreed with him. Post Natal depression is a big factor in this case imho. This issue needs to be addressed before she can tackle anything

LegacyUser · 20-05-2008 3:51pm

I've had a good think. Yes, i am far from perfect. Yes, i take my fair share of the blame. But feck it i am not taking it all.

I didnt have PND whilst pregnant, we DID have sex, albeit not that often. I was in quite a bit of pain thoughout the pregnancy. Sometimes if i said no and then tried with him the next day to make up for it, I'd be told no, your only suiting yourself. FFS.

I have a very small frame and was huge on the pregnancy and again in pain walking etc. I heard from his mam that he was giving out fcuk saying he was like a chaffeur bringing me shopping, it was food shopping!!! Heavy bags and trolleys, i was heavily pregnant!!!

He is good in ways, he does have his good points but tbh hes an only child who lived with his mother and father til he met me and as another poster put it he cant handle real life and real responsibilities as he never had to before, he has no real life experience as hes used to having his own way and doing nothing for myself and thinking of himself.

jackal · 20-05-2008 4:32pm

Theres a lot to be said for intuition. Do any of the idiot posters on here who are still blaming all this on post natal depression and paranoia really think that the OP is the one with the problem when the bloke has *moved out* and cut off all contact instead of giving a simple explanation after getting caught red handed lying to her about where he was?

Sounds like he wanted out one way or the other, and for what its worth, a royal prick to boot, whinging about driving you around when heavily pregnant, Man of the year award there. There may be a silver lining in this based on how you described him. I know its only one side of the story, but it sounds like when the going got tough, he got going.

LegacyUser · 20-05-2008 8:39pm

My thoughts exactly. He was outta there pretty sharpish. I even got annoyed at his mum saying ah i dont think he would be with anyone. Well were is he then? He aint in hers.

He came to see the children. Ignored me more or less only to ask was the baby due a bottle as i was going to the shops. I went up to the bedroom for a while when i came back then went into the kitchen, he was in the living room. I was hoping we could have some kind of a chat. He closed the door connecting the 2 rooms. Then 2 minutes later said he was going. An hour he gave the children. He had not seen them since friday. He was at karate today so shouldnt have had anything to do. Just couldnt be arsed and that was my break from the kids, an hour.

DId i mention that this all happened saturday morning about the suit and when i text him regarding a little mishap with the baby, he was in wexford!!!!!!!!!! We live in Dublin. He went for a spin...........

Victor · 20-05-2008 9:03pm

leavingonawhim, I didn't approve one paragraph. I'm not judging. It is understandable, but it is not acceptable.

You might try to find someone to take the kids for a few hours and get some "me" time and get some of that stress out, work off all that negative energy.

LegacyUser · 20-05-2008 9:08pm

Victor wrote: »

leavingonawhim, I didn't approve one paragraph. I'm not judging. It is understandable, but it is not acceptable.

You might try to find someone to take the kids for a few hours and get some "me" time and get some of that stress out, work off all that negative energy.

Yes i understand, I'm just angry, apologies.

Victor · 20-05-2008 9:25pm

leavingonawhim wrote: »

Yes i understand, I'm just angry, apologies.

No need to apologise to me, its understandable. Take the high moral ground and don't lose it when the kids are about.

Off the point, but I remember chuckling away to the thought of someone getting a vigilantee beating. I wasn't appreciating that (a) They might have the wrong person (b) They might go overboard (c) What if they kill someone the next time? The wrong person?

LegacyUser · 20-05-2008 9:43pm

Victor wrote: »

No need to apologise to me, its understandable. Take the high moral ground and don't lose it when the kids are about.

Off the point, but I remember chuckling away to the thought of someone getting a vigilantee beating. I wasn't appreciating that (a) They might have the wrong person (b) They might go overboard (c) What if they kill someone the next time? The wrong person?

Its not my normal demeanor i can assure but i laughed for all of 2 minutes til i realised what i had done. pretty sad. If nothing i could have kept my dignity but i have managed to give that away as well.

Ah well, chalk it up i guess. I didnt do it cos he may or may not have been lying, i did it cos of the utter disdain he showed towards me when he came to the house, the lack of time he gave the children and as a payback for the years of picking his smelly jocks off the bathroom floor, cooking his dinner, washing his uniforms etc :-)

Victor · 20-05-2008 10:05pm

You are suffering stress. Have a look here: http://www.vhi.ie/hfiles/hf-065.jsp You might have a word with your GP. Your glass of life is fairly full and it might take only a little for it to spill over (PM me if you want to discuss that).

A suggestion someone once had was to, err... dispose of all your broken crockery (or take your bottles to the bottle bank).

estar · 20-05-2008 10:17pm

you sound isolated, paranoid, very negative, very over bearing
in your studying of your husbands behaviour. if you continue
to play detective even if he isnt cheating you will break up
as thats just not the way marraige works.

i would go insane if someone invaded every single area of my private
life. i like having private time. if i say i go to the gym, and then
end up going shopping, im not going to answer questions on it
to my partner. i dont want to be followed around and studied.
i want to be loved, appreciated and trusted. it sounds like you
lost all your identitiy and confidance after your baby(s) were born.

its time to get that back, and start communicating more with your
husband. intimacy starts and ends with feeling understood,
appreciated and feeling close to another person.

tell your husband how you feel. if you cannot tell your partner
how you feel even if it is - i feel so lonely that im creating
scenarios about you cheating in my head and obsessing about
them and watching if your clothes have been used to go to the gym
how are we going to get back what we once had?

honesty, communication, maturity, and kindness and understanding
will fix almost any relationship where the partners are willing
to meet each other half way.

sit down with your husband or when you are both relaxed,
and chat before its too late.

also tell him if he was more understanding regarding the
post natal depression you might feel more like having
sex with him. its not about lying back and doing it for
ireland, you have to feel appreciated and understood
to really enjoy it. and you have to appreciated and understand
him also.

Loopy · 20-05-2008 10:28pm

You poor girl, what your going through at the moment is very tough.

You had a gut feeling and its likely proven that your were right, time will tell. Ok post natal depression sufferer's can be totally irrational and blow things way out of proportion but from your posts you seem to me to be quite a rational and logical person. The fact that he didn't explain where he was that night is likely why your head is wrecked.

I would 'try' stay strong for the kids sake and play him at his own game.. Dont pressure him to talk (although you obviously have to at some stage soon) but for now, I would be calm when you see him and act as normal as you can. Talk to anyone else who will listen to offload, or just keep posting.

You seem to have quite a volatile relationship and he's coming across as being immature IMO, but time apart will give you both space to work out your true feelings for each other. He has been affected too by your PND but isn't that what relationships are about, to be there for each other.

The break apart may be the best thing at the moment. But you do need to sit down the two of you and thrash this out.

LegacyUser · 21-05-2008 7:00am

Depression is such a negative word and people possibly picture someone moping around crying at the drop of a hat.

Mine manifests itself in anxiety form. I dont cry, i'm not moody, i'm just a bag of nerves. And the physical part that comes with it, headaches, sweats, shakes, tiredness etc.

He did in fact comment about how good humoured i am, throughout the pregnancy, even now. I dont explode or have mood swings once a month either.

I've gone too far this time. I had not expected this. I told him the suit didnt look worn he had til tongiht to give me an explanation, he said it was now f*ck off and escalated from there, i still expected him to come home from work, have a barney but that would be the end of it!!

Anyway thanks for the advice, I have to stay strong as i am on my own with 2 kids the last thing they need is a looper for a mother so i'm gonna try psycho-therapy as i dont believe in medication, well not for me anyway.

Would you break up family over a gut feeling?

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