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  • 22-05-2008 2:10pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi,
    Ive posted here before about more or less the same problem about 3 years ago. The problem is as follows.
    I started going out with my GF at 23, Im now 31. I fell for her after a brief one night stand. At least I think I fell for her. We had a lot in common. We went out for about 6 months and then I broke up because I was goin going travelling. When it was off, I was with a couple of more girls on one night stands. The guilt I felt was unbearable. So unberable infact that I travelled half way across the world to get back with her. Now, I didnt tell her I was with anyone cos I thought getting back with her would kill the guilt.
    But, in the back of my mind, I never wanted to get back with her. I wanted to enjoy my 20's and be like a free bird. I believe now that the guilt I felt at the time, altered my true feelings and now Im paying the consequences.
    We've been together solid for 7 years now but I have always wanted my freedom. I kept putting it off and off with the hope someday that something would come between us. Im a coward and a fool I know.
    Its not all bad though, I tell myself "if I really didnt want to be with her then I wouldnt". She is a great girl and very good looking. She lacks a bit of body confidence though. But we get on great together.
    I keep regreting the past. I never got to go to OZ for a year etc, now its too late. There is huge pressure on me to get married cos all our friends are doing it etc. What have I done? I never expected it to get to the stage where we have to get married and have kids.
    Have I wasted mine and her 20's?
    Has anyone ever been in this situation?
    Its so bad that Im afraid to get a full time job cos then it'll be all over. Ill have to settle down. Is there a time machine that can take me back?
    I feel so ****ty for doing this to her, she is my best friend and I really do want to be with her forever, if only I could get rid of this burden.
    I dont even know if this is an accurate description of my problem cos I'm all over the place.
    I only feel happy now when Ive had a few drinks


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    #2
    togster
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,931 ✭✭✭togster


    I feel sorry for you OP. Nothing worse than being with someone you don't truly love just for the sake of it! If you are so unhappy you have to talk to your gf and do the honourable thing.

    Good luck man


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    #3
    RedXIV
    Registered Users Posts: 8,407 ✭✭✭RedXIV


    Hey OP, sounds like you're just starting to hit a realisation that life is no longer that indefinable void that people associate it with in teen years. There is still nothing stopping you from fulfilling some of these ambitions, you can still pull off things like the year in OZ etc. But i think it's fair to say that you haven't ruined your gf's life, she wouldn't still be with you if she thought that. She's probably very happy in this relationship and i def don't think you need to feel guilty.

    Take the time out to list the things you still want to do and see how many you realistically can achieve. you might even suprise yourself ;)

    Best of luck

    Red


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    #4
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    loudabc123 wrote: »
    Hi,
    Ive posted here before about more or less the same problem about 3 years ago. The problem is as follows.

    Are you sure it was 3 years ago.
    If I'm not wrong, there was a post just like this not in the last 6 months or so.
    And what I'm wondering is this, you were given advice before, none of it helped, what makes you think this will be any different?
    I never wanted to get back with her. I wanted to enjoy my 20's and be like a free bird. I believe now that the guilt I felt at the time, altered my true feelings and now Im paying the consequences.

    Grow a pair. You are wasting this girls life. She deserves to be with someone who actually wants to be with her.
    We've been together solid for 7 years now but I have always wanted my freedom.

    Go have your freedom.
    Its not all bad though, I tell myself "if I really didnt want to be with her then I wouldnt". She is a great girl and very good looking. She lacks a bit of body confidence though. But we get on great together.

    :/

    There is huge pressure on me to get married cos all our friends are doing it etc.

    Marriage isn't a game. It's not something to do just cos everyone else is doing it. It's a serious committment to spend the rest of your life with someone. There are times when it's no picnic to be married and unless you truely care for them you'll never get through the tough times.
    Have I wasted mine and her 20's?

    Could you be more selfish?
    If you've 'wasted' your 20's then you have no one to blame but yourself.
    What you most defo have done though, is waste her 20's and you should hang your head in shame for that.
    I feel so ****ty for doing this to her, she is my best friend and I really do want to be with her forever, if only I could get rid of this burden.
    I dont even know if this is an accurate description of my problem cos I'm all over the place.

    All I know for sure is you are miserable.
    You cannot continue as you are.
    You get one life to lead and you're not doing it the way you want.
    You'll be dead a long time, decide exactly what it is you want and then get off your arse and do it.
    And yes, it is that easy.


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    #5
    CrazyNoob
    Closed Accounts Posts: 124 ✭✭CrazyNoob


    OP is it your relationship this girl that is the problem?
    OR is that you want freedom 'from a settled job', marriage etc and you really want to jst be carefree one last time?

    If its the first - then you need to break up, or take a break at least
    If its the latter then why not just pack up and go to OZ for a year travelling with her


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    #6
    Tigger
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,707 ✭✭✭✭Tigger


    Beruthiel wrote: »

    You get one life to lead and you're not doing it the way you want.
    You'll be dead a long time, decide exactly what it is you want and then get off your arse and do it.
    And yes, it is that easy.

    do you live by these opinions?


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    #7
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Tigger wrote: »
    do you live by these opinions?

    Read the rules and charter with regards to staying on topic.
    B


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    #8
    Shinners23
    Closed Accounts Posts: 265 ✭✭Shinners23


    Beruthiel wrote: »
    Are you sure it was 3 years ago.
    If I'm not wrong, there was a post just like this not in the last 6 months or so.
    And what I'm wondering is this, you were given advice before, none of it helped, what makes you think this will be any different?



    Grow a pair. You are wasting this girls life. She deserves to be with someone who actually wants to be with her.



    Go have your freedom.



    :/




    Marriage isn't a game. It's not something to do just cos everyone else is doing it. It's a serious committment to spend the rest of your life with someone. There are times when it's no picnic to be married and unless you truely care for them you'll never get through the tough times.



    Could you be more selfish?
    If you've 'wasted' your 20's then you have no one to blame but yourself.
    What you most defo have done though, is waste her 20's and you should hang your head in shame for that.



    All I know for sure is you are miserable.
    You cannot continue as you are.
    You get one life to lead and you're not doing it the way you want.
    You'll be dead a long time, decide exactly what it is you want and then get off your arse and do it.
    And yes, it is that easy.


    Wow, you don't mince your words. Any you'd be right.... Op..... you sound ever so confused... you do need so get some back bone and tell this girl exactly how you feel... You say she's your best friend?... then treat her as such


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    #9
    Drift
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,395 ✭✭✭Drift


    Hey OP. I have a small inclining of where you're coming from. I had a pretty tame time of it in my early twenties and college years. Never had the mad party lifestyle or the random one night flings etc and although I've been to every continent except antartica I've never spent more than 5 weeks abroad in one go. At the moment I'm fine with that but I often wonder if it'll hit me 5 or 10 years down the road that I should've been out shagging loads of women or living in an apartment in Sydney with a whole heap of irish chancers.

    What I think you need to do is give a serious think to what it is you feel like you missed out on exactly?

    If it's travelling: you can do that any time, my parents have been flying all over creation for the past 25 years and nothing will stop them for years to come.

    If it's living abroad: provided your girlfriend likes the idea there's absolutely nothing to stop you from moving somewhere else as a couple. I've friends who did this and got on great.

    If it's partying like a drunk teenager: Anyone can do that. Get a bunch of your mates together and head off somewhere for a weekend on the tear.

    If it's sleeping with lots of other women: This is the tough one. You have to decide which is more important to you. A lifetime spent in the arms of your girlfriend/future wife or lots of crazy adventures with hot (and not so hot) young ones before you hopefully find someone else to settle down with. You can't have both. We all have to make tough decisions throughout our lives and now's the time for you to make one. Take your time and think it through thoroughly from all perpectives but once you make it; STICK to it. Don't try to have your cake and eat it too. Be a man and say "I made the decision that was best for me." Obviously if you don't love your girlfriend this will be an easier decision to make but difficult to carry out nonetheless.

    Now's the time OP. Before this time next month make the decision and then live with it.


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    #10
    briantwin
    Registered Users Posts: 505 ✭✭✭briantwin


    Beruthiel wrote: »
    Are you sure it was 3 years ago.
    If I'm not wrong, there was a post just like this not in the last 6 months or so.
    And what I'm wondering is this, you were given advice before, none of it helped, what makes you think this will be any different?

    Grow a pair. You are wasting this girls life. She deserves to be with someone who actually wants to be with her.

    Go have your freedom.

    :/


    Marriage isn't a game. It's not something to do just cos everyone else is doing it. It's a serious committment to spend the rest of your life with someone. There are times when it's no picnic to be married and unless you truely care for them you'll never get through the tough times.

    Could you be more selfish?
    If you've 'wasted' your 20's then you have no one to blame but yourself.
    What you most defo have done though, is waste her 20's and you should hang your head in shame for that.

    All I know for sure is you are miserable.
    You cannot continue as you are.
    You get one life to lead and you're not doing it the way you want.
    You'll be dead a long time, decide exactly what it is you want and then get off your arse and do it.
    And yes, it is that easy.

    Wow jaysus , hell hath no fury and all that............

    Wow i am betting this guy is glad he graced this forum with his problems again!!
    Firstly OP you have to talk to the girl. See what is what between the two of you...if there is something eating away at you then no doubt she's picked up on these vibes, women are like animals sensing storms!
    Talk everything through with her and maybe you'll find that all these expectations you think she has for you both may not be exactly what she wants to commit to herself right now. Either way you have brought your uncertainty to the table and thats a good first step.

    On a side not and no doubt i'll get a ban for this but, Beruthiel i think that your advice was about as helpful stuffing hand fulls of wasps down this lads pants. You must be shaped like a W with chips on your shoulder that big!


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    #11
    ronbyrne2005
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,494 ✭✭✭ronbyrne2005


    briantwin wrote: »
    Wow jaysus , hell hath no fury and all that............

    Wow i am betting this guy is glad he graced this forum with his problems again!!
    Firstly OP you have to talk to the girl. See what is what between the two of you...if there is something eating away at you then no doubt she's picked up on these vibes, women are like animals sensing storms!
    Talk everything through with her and maybe you'll find that all these expectations you think she has for you both may not be exactly what she wants to commit to herself right now. Either way you have brought your uncertainty to the table and thats a good first step.

    On a side not and no doubt i'll get a ban for this but, Beruthiel i think that your advice was about as helpful stuffing hand fulls of wasps down this lads pants. You must be shaped like a W with chips on your shoulder that big!
    +1


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    #12
    axer
    Registered Users Posts: 5,517 ✭✭✭axer


    briantwin wrote: »
    On a side not and no doubt i'll get a ban for this but, Beruthiel i think that your advice was about as helpful stuffing hand fulls of wasps down this lads pants. You must be shaped like a W with chips on your shoulder that big!
    I think the advice is sound. What is he doing with this girl if he wants to be free instead. He has been putting off breaking up with her for so long just out of cowardness.

    OP, just do it if that is how you feel.


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    #13
    Miss Fluff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    You need to grow a set, do the decent thing, and part ways. It will then give you both the freedom to do what you both wish. Out of curiousity has she any inkling of how you feel? Is she expecting a proposal? I think you have procrastinated enough anyway so time for the "chat" and no point in putting it off any longer, you seem clear in your own mind how you feel.


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    #14
    i-digress
    Closed Accounts Posts: 692 ✭✭✭i-digress


    Miss Fluff wrote: »
    You need to grow a set, do the decent thing, and part ways. It will then give you both the freedom to do what you both wish. Out of curiousity has she any inkling of how you feel? Is she expecting a proposal? I think you have procrastinated enough anyway so time for the "chat" and no point in putting it off any longer, you seem clear in your own mind how you feel.

    +1


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    #15
    Overheal
    Registered Users Posts: 81,717 ✭✭✭✭Overheal


    You can still do those things OP. Couples go on vacations all the time ;)

    However, nowhere in your post do you mention being in love with her, so yes I really have to wonder if its not just a relationship of convenience for you?

    You have some thinking to do that goes beyond where you would like to travel.


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    #16
    Tigger
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,707 ✭✭✭✭Tigger


    briantwin wrote: »
    On a side not and no doubt i'll get a ban for this but, Beruthiel i think that your advice was about as helpful stuffing hand fulls of wasps down this lads pants. You must be shaped like a W with chips on your shoulder that big!

    :eek: +1

    to the op don't worry you are not in an unusual place, people around here wiil give their opinion without ever having lived situations and realised the pain of having to do what you know you are going to have to do.

    you need to do it now tho because it won't get any easier , there is no easy way so just tell her the truth (tactfully) and then never look back.


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    #17
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    There is some clear anger coming form the female posters and some more understanding responses from the lads. I think this is because the majority of men feel like this at some stage - afraid of missing out on the chase, singleton freedoms, wild adventures, casual encounters - particularly in our 20s...and if we feel we didnt get enough of this done in our 20s, i.e. because we got into a relationship in our early 20s (when most of us dont know what love is) it may well crop up again. The hostile relpies for the ladies are probably down to the fact that women know only too well that this type of thing is lurking at the back of the minds of loads of men and this will naturally breed insecuriy in the womenfolk.


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    #18
    marti101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 954 ✭✭✭marti101


    Do it now before she gets pregnant then you would be feckd


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