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  • 22-05-2008 10:59am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hey,

    I'm going to be honest in this post even though I know some people will think I'm a bitch.

    I've been seing a great guy called James for the past 4 months. He's amazing, great sense of humour, loads of fun to be with,
    intelligent and treats me really well. Diamond. About 3 years ago I was working with a guy called Daniel. From day one in training
    we hit it off. We have the exact same sense of humour and used to go for drinks after work all the time. He is absolutely gorgeous.
    I fell so hard for him but he had a girlfriend at the time and I had a boyfriend. Nothing ever happened between us and neither of us ever
    mentioned fancying each other but it was clear as day. The sexual energy between us was electric.

    His girlfriend is American and he ended up moving over to the States to be with her. He had a lot of hassle with visas and things and
    had to fight hard to get in but he managed it. There reltionship was worth the hassle and the move etc. Anyway, he came home at
    Christmas time having been gone for 2 years. We kept in contact through email and text messages. When we met up the energy
    between us was overwhelming. The minute we met out side the pub we just started kissing each other. It was uncontrollable lust. We
    spent the night together but didn't have sex. We both felt too guilty. I was single but he's still with his girlfriend and I know her so we
    couldn't go through with it but what we did is just as bad. He told me that he's crazy about me and has been from day one. He said he
    thinks I'm irressistable and I said the same to him. He left the next day to go back to the States but we stayed in touch through facebook.

    He said that every time he sees my photo on facebook his heart races and he wishes he had've taken me when he had the chance. He's
    coming back here for a week in August and just the thought of him makes me feel weak (weak at the knees - never thought that could really happen
    but it can).

    So, the trouble is, when he comes over and we meet up we will have sex. Wild horses couldn't stop us. So, I should do the honourable thing and
    not meet him. It's not fair to my bf or to his gf. Fact is, even if I say I won't meet up with him, I know I will. I couldn't know he's in the country and not
    be with him. My new guy is so great though and I feel guilty even having these thoughts about someone else.

    Question - what will I do? Should I tell my new guy the truth about the situation, should I tell him at all? Should i just go ahead with it, get it out
    of my system. It'll only be for the weekend and then he'll be gone again. A once off night of passion. My new man need never know...

    Please advise me..


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    #2
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Lustymclover wrote: »
    So, the trouble is, when he comes over and we meet up we will have sex. Wild horses couldn't stop us. So, I should do the honourable thing and
    not meet him. It's not fair to my bf or to his gf.

    That's right. It isn't fair to your partners.
    Looking at it from the outside, he's a selfish bastid for even doing this.
    What is he playing at exactly?
    He goes to great length to be with his g/f, he is still with her, I presume he intends to stay with her, so what does he think he's doing here?
    Looking for a cheap roll in the hay with someone the far side of the sea cos he knows he'll never get caught. Scumbag.
    Disrespecting the woman he is supposed to love, he cares a lot about her feelings, doesn't he?
    Fact is, even if I say I won't meet up with him, I know I will.

    Cos someone's holding a gun to your head?
    Ever hear of willpower?
    My new guy is so great though and I feel guilty even having these thoughts about someone else.

    Nice to know you can at least drum up some guilt there.
    Might I suggest you take a good hard look at yourself?
    Do you respect yourself?
    Personally, if I were to do something like that to my partner, or someone elses for that matter, I'd loose all respect for myself. Not something I'd find easy to live with.

    As for what you should do. It's obvious. Do not meet up with him.


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    #3
    Rev Hellfire
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,346 ✭✭✭Rev Hellfire


    Seems like you've settled on seeing him regardless to me.
    Anyhow if you feel this strongly about him then it makes sense to see him, but perhaps for decency's sake you should break up with your current boyfriend first. In the end of the day though its only a four month relationship and if you're having these thoughts just dump him and follow your heart.


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    #4
    Silverfish
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,696 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    Can you tell me why you like each other enough to cheat on partners, etc etc, but not actually go out with each other?

    He clearly prefers his girlfriend to you, why would you let yourself be used like that?


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    #5
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,098 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Lustymclover wrote: »
    So, the trouble is, when he comes over and we meet up we will have sex. Wild horses couldn't stop us.
    I have to agree with Beruthiel. Willpower would be nice. Basically you're saying that your crotch rules your head and directs your moral compass. It is your crotch too, it's not some "deep connection" or any of that stuff. Call it what it is.

    Put it this way, if you were "meant to be together" then you would be and you certainly wouldn't be sneaking around and betraying the partners in your life. Mark me, nothing good will come from this. Call it karma whatever you will, but I've seen this stuff before with monotonous regularity and the outcome in every single case is the same.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #6
    Maggie Simpson
    Registered Users Posts: 110 ✭✭Maggie Simpson


    Silverfish wrote: »
    Can you tell me why you like each other enough to cheat on partners, etc etc, but not actually go out with each other?

    He clearly prefers his girlfriend to you, why would you let yourself be used like that?

    Excellent points Silverfish.

    Let me point out some more obvious things here OP. So you meet up, have extraordinary night together, get to fulfil all your fantasies etc. etc. etc.

    Then he goes back to his gf and you feel guilty.

    What the f is the point in that? If it's just for the s€x and you won't feel guilty about your bf, fire ahead. If you're looking for something more, be prepared to be very disappointed.


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    #7
    RedXIV
    Registered Users Posts: 8,409 ✭✭✭RedXIV


    Get rid of your boyfriend. Seriously, you obviously aren't meant to be with the fella if a guy who's gonna show up twice in a year can take you away from him, and he deserves better. Alot better actually. As Wibbs said, nothing good is going to come from this and it's important that you realise that. otherwise he wouldn't be going back stateside


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    #8
    Maggie Simpson
    Registered Users Posts: 110 ✭✭Maggie Simpson


    Lustymclover wrote: »
    Question - what will I do? Should I tell my new guy the truth about the situation, should I tell him at all?

    If you plan to sleep with this guy (and seems like you have already made your mind up) you should think about ending your relationship with the "diamond" who you don't seem to care about too much.


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    #9
    cowzerp
    Registered Users Posts: 10,549 ✭✭✭✭cowzerp


    You want what you cant have, and your going to lose your Great boyfriend in the process..makes sense to me-Go for it!

    Rush Boxing club and Rush Martial Arts head coach.



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    #10
    Dragan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13,497 ✭✭✭✭Dragan


    Lustymclover wrote: »
    Question - what will I do? Should I tell my new guy the truth about the situation, should I tell him at all? Should i just go ahead with it, get it out
    of my system. It'll only be for the weekend and then he'll be gone again. A once off night of passion. My new man need never know...

    Please advise me..

    Jesus, grow up and start acting like you really respect your fella and his girlfriend like you say you do.

    You want to get laid then go for it, but at least have the decency to break up with your bloke before you do.

    "Wild horses" , "electric".....all bywords for "I want to get laid and need and excuse so i'll pretend this is something other than a ****".


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    #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the replies so far.

    Beruithel, my sister sai dthe exact same thing to me about him and the mad thing is, it hadn't even occured to me that he is a scumbag for doing this. He's been with his gf for years, I've only been with my bf for a few months. I know this is wrong and I do feel bad. I was even gonna tell my bf about it.


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Dragan wrote: »
    Jesus, grow up and start acting like you really respect your fella and his girlfriend like you say you do.

    You want to get laid then go for it, but at least have the decency to break up with your bloke before you do.

    "Wild horses" , "electric".....all bywords for "I want to get laid and need and excuse so i'll pretend this is something other than a ****".

    It is more than a sh*g actually. I have a boyfriend which means sex on tap so it's not about being horny or needing a sh*g.

    Have you never had electric energy with somebody? Your loss


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    #13
    Maggie Simpson
    Registered Users Posts: 110 ✭✭Maggie Simpson


    Lustymclover wrote: »
    I know this is wrong and I do feel bad. I was even gonna tell my bf about it.

    You mean you were gonna tell your bf that you would considering it, or gonna tell him after the fact? If you're planning on telling him that you are considering it, kiss goodbye to the relationship. He'll most likely dump you if you tell him you're thinking about being with this other guy - and rightly so. What exactly do you want him to do? Give his blessing????! :confused:


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    #14
    RedXIV
    Registered Users Posts: 8,409 ✭✭✭RedXIV


    Lustymclover wrote: »
    It is more than a sh*g actually. I have a boyfriend which means sex on tap so it's not about being horny or needing a sh*g.

    Have you never had electric energy with somebody? Your loss

    Right so let me get this straight, and maybe this will make more sense to you after reading it. This second guy is only offering sex. You already have as much as you want with a guy you clearly think is a good guy. So what do you have to gain from this? you're not going to get a relatationship out of this, you're going to lose the one you have. You'll probably get the repuation as a cheat. I honestly can't see any positive reasons to go through with this???


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    #15
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,098 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Lustymclover wrote: »
    It is more than a sh*g actually. I have a boyfriend which means sex on tap so it's not about being horny or needing a sh*g.

    Have you never had electric energy with somebody? Your loss
    Nope, Sex on tap is fine but if you're not in major lust then it's all to often glorified ****.

    You can try to convince yourself or justify your actions, but "electric energy/The spark/connection" in this context is about shagging. They're all euphemisms used by people(usually women TBH) romanticising their physical needs.

    That's fine and dandy in a healthy situation, but in this scenario its as much an excuse and a self fulfilling justification as a euphemism. This isn't some "moral" objection on my part, it is what it is.

    If it wasn't about shagging then you wouldn't need restraining by "wild horses". The electric energy you describe gives you a wide on when you meet him. He appeals to your hormones and emotions and you get an overwhelming itch you need scratching. Conversation, your respective partners are all preambles or irritating sidelines to the main event, getting the leg over. What's between your legs is over riding what's between your ears and what's between your ears is making excuses and masks for that.

    If you're plying this course at least have the self awareness to call a spade a spade.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #16
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Lustymclover wrote: »
    It is more than a sh*g actually. I have a boyfriend which means sex on tap so it's not about being horny or needing a sh*g.

    Time to take off those rose tinted glasses you appear to be wearing there.
    You are meeting up, to shag his brains out cos you fancy him to bits.
    We all get that. You are just trying to make out like he's some sort of Mr. Darcy or summit.
    We like to romanticise our sexual encounters, nothing wrong with that, it adds spice. But when you get down to brass tacks, they are, sexual, encounters.
    If it was 'more' than that, then he'd have dumped his g/f by now and be on the first plane back over to you. He hasn't done that. You are just a shag to him.
    Have you never had electric energy with somebody?

    Electric engergy --> sexual energy.


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    #17
    smellybiker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 361 ✭✭smellybiker


    yeah daniel is a prick to be doing this to his girlfriend but jeez, there are plenty of meaningless lustful moments out there and they can be pretty damn nice - ONCE NO ONE GETS HURT!!

    if you want to be guilt free, then break up with your boyfriend and go ahead and be with daniel. you might be gutted and very hurt when he leaves you for his girlfriend once again - or you may be relieved that its over with and you've got it out of your system!!

    he then has to own up to his guilty actions against his girlfriend but that's his issue - he's been going behind her back for years if you've kept in contact.

    i say go for it - just break up with james first!!


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    #18
    Dragan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13,497 ✭✭✭✭Dragan


    Lustymclover wrote: »
    It is more than a sh*g actually. I have a boyfriend which means sex on tap so it's not about being horny or needing a sh*g.

    Have you never had electric energy with somebody? Your loss

    All the time, and i've had sex with plenty of them. I tend to go out with the people who make me feel all tingly though. Maybe i'm just weird.

    It sounds like your actual boyfriend is a pretty decent bloke. Cut him lose so he can find a lass who won't want to cheat on him.

    Your return post pretty much just summed up everything i was saying. You want to **** the other dude, so it becomes something "more than sex".

    Yawn.

    Also, all you mentioned about this other dude is the "energy" and the "chemistry" and how hot he is. Of course it's about a shag. You never said anywhere you want to go out with him.

    Jesus, are you really that blind to your situation. You clearly don't feel for your boyfriend that much.


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    #19
    Silverfish
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,696 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    smellybiker wrote: »
    yeah diamond is a prick to be doing this to his girlfriend but jeez, there are plenty of meaningless lustful moments out there and they can be pretty damn nice - ONCE NO ONE GETS HURT!!

    if you want to be guilt free, then break up with your boyfriend and go ahead and be with diamond. you might be gutted and very hurt when he leaves you for his girlfriend once again - or you may be relieved that its over with and you've got it out of your system!!

    he then has to own up to his guilty actions against his girlfriend but that's his issue - he's been going behind her back for years if you've kept in contact.

    i say go for it - just break up with james first!!

    I got confused reading this, she described her boyfriend as a diamond, not the other guy (Daniel)


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    #20
    smellybiker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 361 ✭✭smellybiker


    sorry meant guy who left ireland is the prick


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    #21
    K_P
    Registered Users Posts: 577 ✭✭✭K_P


    Lustymclover wrote: »
    It is more than a sh*g actually. I have a boyfriend which means sex on tap so it's not about being horny or needing a sh*g.

    Have you never had electric energy with somebody? Your loss

    Now now, there's no need to start getting snippy with people trying to help you out by opening your eyes.

    You can witter away about your "electric energy" all you like but it comes down to lust, nothing deeper, more magical or extraordinary than that. You say it's more than a sh*g? Ok then, what is it exactly? Are you trying to fool yourself by saying it's love or some kind of deeper connection?

    I'm not going to preach to you about what you should or shouldn't do. Deep down you know what to do and you've got some good advice here already.

    The only thing I would say to you is if you're going to sleep with this guy (which it seems you will) then at least go into it with your eyes open and seeing the situation as it really is.


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    #22
    K_P
    Registered Users Posts: 577 ✭✭✭K_P


    Wibbs wrote: »
    What's between your legs is over riding

    *snigger snigger*

    Sorry. :o


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    #23
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    K_P wrote: »
    [*snigger snigger*

    Sorry. :o

    Read this forums rules and charter before you get yourself banned for comments like the above.
    B


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    #24
    How Strange
    Registered Users Posts: 6,339 ✭✭✭How Strange


    Lustymclover wrote: »
    Anyway, he came home at
    Christmas time having been gone for 2 years. The minute we met out side the pub we just started kissing each other. It was uncontrollable lust.
    OP, I have to agree with Beruthial, he's a lying cheating scumbag. He cheated on his gf at Christmas. Nice guy eh!
    He told me that he's crazy about me and has been from day one. He said he thinks I'm irressistable and I said the same to him.he wishes he had've taken me when he had the chance.
    What are you? A commodity? He should have taken you? Were you just sitting there passively waiting for him to PICK you?
    He left the next day to go back to the States but we stayed in touch through facebook.
    So he came home for Christmas and got his leg over just before he went back to US to play happy relationships with his gf.
    He's coming back here for a week in August and just the thought of him makes me feel weak (weak at the knees - never thought that could really happen but it can).
    OMG, so once again you're sitting around waiting for him. All I can say is what a fool.
    So, the trouble is, when he comes over and we meet up we will have sex. Wild horses couldn't stop us.
    Of course you will because he'll smile and wink at you and next thing you'll be horizontal on the floor.

    I'm ignoring every reference to your bf because as I see it you really can't think that much of him if you're honestly contemplating sleeping with this guy again. The best thing you can do is break up with him.

    Regarding Daniel, well you've become his free shag when he's in Ireland. He doesn't have to do very much for you to hop into bed with him infact just a few platitudes about how your picture on facebook makes him weak at the knees or something and he should've TAKEN you back then and you're so flattered that you become his good time, no strings attached shag.

    Dress it up, call it lust or passion or s*xual tension but that's what it is - a shag when he's in Ireland. He's in a win/win situation - his gf will never find out and he doesn't even have to date you.


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    #25
    Irishcrx
    Registered Users Posts: 2,861 ✭✭✭Irishcrx


    OP,

    You know yourself what to do, your just on here hoping someone will tell you what you want to hear such as.

    " Do what you feel or just sleep with him and get on with things"

    Won't happen, it's moraly wrong on both your parts to be doing this to your bf/gf, face facts if he wanted to be with you so bad he would do it, he wants his bit in america and then wants to come over have his way with you and leave, and your bf will find out the truth always comes out, not today maybe not tomorrow but in time, imagine how you'll feel then. This other guy will be gone and you'll be left picking up the pieces.

    Steer clear of that bend.


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    #26
    cjdun1
    Registered Users Posts: 388 ✭✭cjdun1


    OP - would have loved to PM you on this - is this something that you will regret not doing.........?

    I have a bit of a thing that hasn't hit physical yet but we also have an electric draw to one another - we've also known one another years and it's basically a matter of time before we hook up - feel free to PM me


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    #27
    Sugar Drunk
    Registered Users Posts: 522 ✭✭✭Sugar Drunk


    if he thought you were so wonderful and irresistable he would have dumped his girlfriend to be with you. Instead he headed back over to the states knowing he has so sex on teeh side lined up when he comes over for a visit.
    I dont know why you are still with your current boyf when you are debating sleeping with someone else.
    besides if this was true love it would not be just one night of sex in august


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    #28
    Irishcrx
    Registered Users Posts: 2,861 ✭✭✭Irishcrx


    I think by all the reply's the OP should know by now what peoples opinions are and what the right and wrong thing is.

    Weather she follows it or not is her own decision some people need to put there hand in the fire to learn.


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    #29
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    <SNIP> Ease up on the abusive rhetoric there. As far as I'm concerned you deserve each other.


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    #30
    spinandscribble
    Registered Users Posts: 3,000 ✭✭✭spinandscribble


    if shes willing to be a cheap homecoming shag then let her away at it. but first she should let her bf go free to find a woman with the capability to respect him and herself. op you know its wrong and thats part of the allure of it. its all so 'dramatic' but you're shining up a turd basically. its a cheap shag not some heavenly magical event.
    I'm just surprised you're dying to hop in to bed with this guy. i cannot understand it for the life of me.


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    #31
    i-digress
    Closed Accounts Posts: 692 ✭✭✭i-digress


    What I struggle to understand is why you're justifying this to yourself. Especially when you implied that he's worse than you because you've only been with your boyfriend for a couple of months while he has been with his girlfriend years. You're loyal or you aren't, if you cheat on your boyfriend you are as bad as him. You mention you know the girlfriend, do you like her. Or did you resent her when she got with the man you wanted back in the day? Maybe some part of you wants to sleep with Daniel to prove you're more desirable and attractive than his girlfriend. Just my opinion.


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