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coming out to same sex friends

  • 12-11-2015 2:11am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Anyone here have any issues coming out to same sex close friends. i'm female 34 and just about to start coming out, however my huge fear is not my family as i know they will be fine but my five very close best female friends I've had in my life for years. I have a fear of losing them or the friendships not being the same and if this happened it would effect me badly as they are a huge support network to me in every way. But i know i need to tell them soon as i can't keep living a secret its destroying me inside and I feel very sly. I'm also worried they will wonder why i never said anything sooner. I have pretended to like men ( so they may think i've been a fake). At this age in my life I don't want to have to build up a close group of best friends from scratch , thats ok when you are 18, you can easily make new friends in college and you have so much time to do so, but I can't afford to lose my mates. Also, my other great fear is that they may think I like them in that way, which I don't . ( I did have a crush on one of them but i'm though that as it could never materialize) if they felt this way, they may not feel comfortable going on girls holidays or staying over which we do sometimes. Any advice?


Comments

  • #2
    kituskatus
    Registered Users Posts: 1 ✭kituskatus


    Hey,
    Its fine really..i know all those things you're feeling. I came out to my friends when i was a teenager. But then i married a guy. So when i officially came out not only did i have to do that but also tell everyone my marriage was over after less than a year.
    Your friends will be fine and don't be surprised if some of them already have an idea.
    I'm assuming they arw good friends? If they are they'll want you happy no matter what. If they think that you like them in that way just ask them to they fancy every single guy they know?
    Hope it goes alright for ya :)


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    kituskatus wrote: »
    Hey,
    Its fine really..i know all those things you're feeling. I came out to my friends when i was a teenager. But then i married a guy. So when i officially came out not only did i have to do that but also tell everyone my marriage was over after less than a year.
    Your friends will be fine and don't be surprised if some of them already have an idea.
    I'm assuming they arw good friends? If they are they'll want you happy no matter what. If they think that you like them in that way just ask them to they fancy every single guy they know?
    Hope it goes alright for ya :)

    Thanks so much for such encouraging words and for sharing your experience, I'm going to do it very soon, im actually terrified. I've so much to lose if it does go wrong but going to have to take that risk.


  • #4
    beks101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    Maybe my experience on the receiving end of this will help you.

    A close friend of mine is gay and kept it from us all for years for all of the reasons you've cited. That we'd judge her, that we'd be uncomfortable in her presence, that we'd suspect she 'fancied' us etc etc.

    When she told me this I was initially angry that she would think so little of her best friends, then when I realized it was her insecurities speaking I was just so sad that she felt she couldn't be honest or fully comfortable around the people in her closest circle, and had to bear the burden of this big secret for years.

    So I'll tell you what I told her - give your mates a bit of credit. They're not close, life-long friends for no reason. They're important to you because they love you, they support you, they want the best for you and they want you to be happy no matter what. TBH, they might already have their suspicions (I certainly did.) Little things add up over the years and women's intuition is a strong thing ;)

    They might be wondering why it's taken you so long. They might be hurt that you felt you had to wear a mask for so long. They might be relieved that they can finally have all those normal conversations about dating and relationships that you probably have been evading for so many years. They'll be glad that they now have an opportunity to get closer to you in that way, rather than being "weirded out" by their friend being gay. It's not the 60s anymore. I'm sure they've lots of other gay mates/acquaintances too.

    Take the plunge. If they're truly the friends you've described them to be, you'll have absolutely nothing to worry about.


  • #5
    Hunchback
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,629 ✭✭✭Hunchback


    If you say to them exactly what you said in your post you will be fine ;)


  • #6
    baby and crumble
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    OP, I know how you feel. When I came out in my late teens just after school I was terrified just like you- and I had met all my friends in boarding school, so add that in to the mix! I was terrified they'd think I'd been perving on them in the dorms or something.

    My best friend did ask me if I fancied her, I said no, and she got offended! Well, jokingly, but still. I've never had a problem with any of my friends. One of my friends is a very religious person and I know she's not massively comfortable with it, and she has told me she won't come to my wedding because she doesn't agree with it, but she hasn't freaked out and cast me aside or anything.

    If you've kept a close bunch of friends for this long, they're probably good ones. Like other posters have said they may already have an idea. Try not to worry too much. It might take a little while for things not to feel weird, but it will come good. Best of luck!


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