Marriage destroyed thanks to my husband and a person I used to think was a friend.

LegacyUser · 23-11-2014 1:01am #1

Ok , here goes . I can't actually believe I'm typing this . I feel like I'm living some sort of nightmare . I found out last month that my husband and my best friend had a brief affair . It finished when she miscarried what would have been his child , three years ago .
She has been my friend since we were teenagers . He has been the love of my life for the past 15 years .
It turns out that she always fancied him , from the day I introduced him to her as my boyfriend . My husband and I went through a dodgy period about four years ago . Nothing specific , I was preoccupied dealing with three very small children and I suppose to an extent , I put our marriage on the back burner ( I was exhausted/burnt out) . I foolishly thought that my husband understood . However , it turns out that my 'friend' spotted the weakness in our relationship and decided that it was time to worm her way into his affections .
She emailed screenshots of texts I'd sent to her ( completely out of context ) which suggested I was fed up of our marriage ( totally untrue) and drip fed him ' conversations ' that I'd had with her about how I fancied other men ( again , totally untrue ) . He stupidly believed her without approaching me to ask me if any of it was true . One day , she made her move and pounced on him and he responded. That was the start of a two month affair . She then became pregnant , but miscarried . By this stage , he apparently realised that what she was saying about our relationship was complete bs and he finished with her .
She however , continued to pretend to be my friend ( I firmly believe it was to try her luck again with him) until I discovered via an old email about their relationship .
So now , I'm coming to terms with the fact that the person whom I thought was my soulmate ( and that our marriage truly was till death do us part ) will most likely come to an end and that the person whom I confided in and trusted for 20 years was never actually a friend at all . How can some women be such complete and utter jealous, destructive biatches ????? And why do men think through their nether regions ??
And finally , how in the name of God do I cope as a single mother of three with a very demanding job , when my heart is breaking ???

Mr. Incognito · 23-11-2014 1:57am

You poor thing.

You seem to be putting a lot of blame at her door. You need to talk to your husband.

Your family comes first. You may need some time to assess things with your husband and seek counselling and a family member or friend you can confide in so you are not carrying this alone.

I hope it works out for you. You will have to cut her out and grieving that friendship will take time also.

If that child had been born it would have been some mess.

GarIT · 23-11-2014 2:52am

Can't think clearly wrote: »

And why do men think through their nether regions ??

I understand you're upset but comments like this aren't acceptable. There is no need for hate speech/discrimination against all men based on the actions of your husband.

R.D. aka MR.D · 23-11-2014 3:00am

You seem to be laying a lot of blame at your friend's door when your husband is equally to blame.

Men have brains in their heads and free will. no one forced him no matter how much he tries to spin it that way.

Get some professional help if you want to keep things going. Put your children first.

DoYouEvenLift · 23-11-2014 3:20am

Jesus. In cases like this I'd actually hope the husband does get financially destroyed in the divorce. Make sure you have as much evidence of the cheating as possible, I.e. that old email and whatever else you can get. I'd even go as far as posing as if I was forgiving them and staying in the marriage as long as they were totally honest and open about everything, which I'd even record, until I was ready if it helped me get access to anything that could help the case.

As for your friend, not much you can do that I can think of. I'm sure word will spread about her being a home wrecking kunt anyway. Cannot wrap my head around someone being able to do that to their friend's family, truly disgusting sociopathic and narcissistic behaviour.

Edit: like the others have said, don't let the emotion cloud your judgement. When people get cheated on they tend to overlook the part their partner had in it as a coping mechanism of sorts and instead turn more blame towards the person they cheated with. In this case it's complicated as you have a relationship with both of them but don't get it twisted, your husband is the bigger enemy in all of this. Marriage is a legally binded relationship, friendship is not.

Oryx · 23-11-2014 7:53am

Even as a casual observer I can see how the story youve been told has been spun to make your friend 100% to blame. Leading the poor man astray. Your husband willingly went, she didnt lead him by the nose. So if you guys are to progress from this, he has to take responsibility.

And you can move on from this, but thats up to both of you. An affair is not always a cause of marriage breakdown, but a symptom. You acknowledge that things were wrong, but that they are better recently. Maybe the affair and pregnancy was a wake up call for your husband that scared him into realising what he was throwing away? Before you decide to be a single parent, make sure you really do want to leave, because right now hurt and jealousy are clouding your judgement. Those will fade if you let them. Talk to your husband. See a counsellor. Give it time. Then decide if you want to separate or not.

As for your friend? Shes not, anymore. Thats one person you dont need around. But like any loss, you still need to grieve for the end of the friendship, to process the anger and hurt you feel, but also to learn to cope with the loss of a close confidante that in other circumstances you would have shared this with.

For now, just take it day by day, and try not to let your anger about it all overwhelm you.

looksee · 23-11-2014 10:39am

Your marriage is not over, unless you want it to be. At the moment you are grieving and angry. It is possible to get past this and save your marriage, which sounds as though it is worth saving. You got burned out, your husband made a bad mistake, your 'friend' proved to not be a friend. It is not about her, let her go and good riddance. Your husband made a mistake, and realised his mistake. Yes he betrayed you, but if you can talk it through, preferably with a counsellor, you can possibly make it work again.

Don't make any rash decisions, but you have to deal with it. You feel you have been abused and made a fool of, you need help to work through that. It will not be a quick process, but you know how you feel about your husband under all the anger and grief, if there is anything of the old relationship still there, build on it.

Not only would you be a single mother, but your children would be without their father. Is that what you want? Is it worth working to save the situation?

Rubberchikken · 23-11-2014 10:52am

you need time to get your thoughts straight. so make no decisions at the moment.

i don't want to hurt you, but your friend wasn't in this affair on her own. your husband was a willing partner in it, and when you get time you need to talk with him if you are able.

only you can decide in ther long term if you want this marriage to recover and move on.

good luck

LegacyUser · 23-11-2014 11:03am

GarIt . I apologise for that statement . You are right , it was uncalled for . I'm just so angry at the moment that I'm not being rational .
I don't want anyone to think that I believe my husband is blameless in all of this . But I do want to point out that he didn't try to justify any of his actions . He didn't at any stage try to put any blame on her door . He admitted it happened and that he will never forgive himself for what he's done . It was via my 'friend' that I discovered that she manipulated the situation and had him feeling so uncertain about our marriage that he was willing to jump into bed with her. And she reckons it's all my fault anyhow !!!! If I'd paid him more attention he never would have strayed. No , this does not excuse his actions at all , but it maybe does explain why it happened .
We did have a very good marriage (with normal ups and downs ) . He does love me and is a great dad . But I don't think I could ever see myself getting past this . If it had been some random woman or maybe even a work colleague I might be able to get past it . But my best friend ?? No , I don't think I could ever trust him again .
I will seek counselling , but everything is too raw at the moment . I need to grieve for the loss of a friendship as well as a marriage . You've no idea how many times I've picked up the phone to ring or text her with some random piece of information - and then it all comes flooding back again : she never was my friend . I feel like such a fool . How could I not have seen what was going on under my nose ? At least , behind it all , I know that my husband loves me and is genuinely sorry . She , however feels completely justified in doing what she did. I don't think I'll ever get over the hurt I'm feeling right now.

lukesmom · 23-11-2014 11:05am

I understand you have three young kids and in an ideal situation would rather not be facing a life of a single mother. You have been betrayed by the both of them, friend and husband. You need to ask yourself if you can stay in a marriage and work on forgiving your husband or is it too much to expect yourself to stay with the man who had an affair with your friend. Whatever you choose put yourself and your children first.

homerjay2005 · 23-11-2014 11:10am

Am i the only person who thinks this miscarraige story is all too convenient?

I mean i know it happens, but two months is a very quick time to realise you are pregnant and lose the baby. Considering the lies that this woman allegidly has already told it wouldnt surprise me in the slightest if this was another one.

Id hazard a guess she was never pregnant just dis this to trap him. I am a big believer that in certain cases cheating is not as straight forward as it seems and this is one of them.

Something that stood out in the first post was the fact that the marraige was "put on the back burner". Im sorry, but when you add this together with a lying, devious "friend" you can see why the husband would wander.

While of course he could have shown more restraint but i wouldnt be lining him up for the shooting squad as posters here seem to be doing.

The "friend" takes most of the blame here for me and the OP should take some responsibility for it too for neglecting the relationship. If the OP can be pretty sure that the husband never had any problems before she lost her focus on the relationship then this can be salvaged.

LegacyUser · 23-11-2014 12:02pm

Oh sweetheart , my heart is breaking for you at this moment . And with it , bad memories are resurfacing . I had a similar experience to you many many years ago . I decided to fight for my marriage as I knew it was an awful mistake on my husband's part . It took several years for him to regain my trust and we had many very dark days over the next year of so . However , our marriage survived and I can honesty say that we are very happily married still . I think for us , it gave us the opportunity to sit down and reassess our marriage and revisit why we married in the first place . Like you , I put the children before our marriage ( understandable when they are very small , but it's important to make time for each other also ) . So we established where we had gone wrong and vowed never to fall into that trap again .
Sweetie , don't make any rash decisions . Move into seperate rooms , ask him to move out for a period of time if you have to , but don't throw away your marriage just yet . Decide whether it's worth fighting for ( and reading between the lines , I think you feel it might be ) . What you're going through is overwhelming but it's not insurmountable . Good luck Xx

dellas1979 · 23-11-2014 12:22pm

Everyone is blaming everyone.

She blames you for him straying.

He blames (who?). He seems a bit lost in this.

You blame her (she lead him).

Why doesnt everyone back the feck off, and each person take responsibility for their actions in this. The first and only line out of my gob, if dealing with her would be "take responsibility for your own actions". /end of conversation. Some day, she will understand what that means. He also, without a doubt,, needs to take responsibility for his actions.

With friendships and general relationships, when something goes wrong, and a person is hurt, the thing we fight with ourselves the most is forgiveness. Can we forgive another human being for the wrong theyve done to us? Of course, to forgive usually means the other person shows remorse (which she isnt). In time, even without her in your life, you can work to try and forgive her (she doesnt need to know this-its for your own reconciliation). I would feel sorry for her, that she called herself a friend and done this. And she obviously needs help herself.

The marriage doesnt have to end. It depends what you want, and how you deal with it, and if (with some work) that you can forgive him. It will take work from both of you. And I think going for counseling (when you feel ready), is a great idea for you (and possibly some marriage counseling for both of you).

LegacyUser · 23-11-2014 1:13pm

OP as a man you have no need to apologise for the statement that GarIt pulled you up on earlier. We aren't all sensitive people and I certainly don't get offended by women or men making statements like that.

You're first priority is to yourself and your children equally. I echo what others have said in getting some form of counselling. Speak to someone about it. Don't be embarassed because NONE of this is your fault. That person is not your friend and needs to be dropped from your life. Don't let her get inside your head with more potential lies.

As do you and your husband, well I think that's where counselling comes in as a first step. Time will help you decide what to do. But look after yourself

shalalala · 23-11-2014 1:13pm

OP I believe that you are only to blame for this if your husband sat you down and stated that he felt ignored and he felt that the spark was not there anymore, and you ignored him.

What it seems like your friend is blaming you for is ignoring your husbands needs. How can you ignore them when he doesn't tell you what they are?! Adults need communication. And he cheated without communicating that he wasn't happy, allowing you two to work on things. Don't let anyone pass the blame on to you.

Go to marriage counselling. But if you cannot get past it, then you will be strong and you can be a mother, just don't use your kids as a pawn because you are upset in the separation. It amazes me the inner strength that people have to just get on with things.

piperh · 23-11-2014 1:57pm

What a horrible situation to be in I'm not surprised you are struggling.

Maybe just maybe your friend admitted she led your husband on and went on the defensive because she does feel remorse. It's not uncommon for people who are feeling guilty to come out swinging. I'm not saying she isn't a piece of work but if you've known her for 20 odd years unless its a complete personality transplant she needs an oscar to have kept up the role of a trusted friend for so long. It is entirely possible they were thrown together and she is accepting the blame.

Your husband is full of remorse but remember he lied to you quite easily while the affair was ongoing and he kept quiet until he was caught out. He had no intention of being honest with you. You need to ask yourself is the remorse because he has been caught and has to face up to the fact he is a lying cheat?

You should try and see a counsellor both with and without your husband, with him you will be able to see if you can rebuild your marriage and without him because you need to be able to discuss how you really feel without pulling any punches and worrying about anyone elses feelings.

Whatever you decide I wish you a happy future.

Dixie Chick · 24-11-2014 11:24am

Hi OP,

You poor thing. This is just a very unjust and unfair situation for you. The friend sounds like a horrible conniving woman, line drawn. You seem to be move forgiving of your husband because of the situation it came from. The very best of luck to you if you do carry on and try to make it work. Maybe get some couples counselling also so you know you have broken everything down so you know exactly what happened and are satisfied with his apology and subsequent hiding of his actions.

That was a very sad post to read.

Greenduck · 24-11-2014 11:51am

shalalala wrote: »

OP I believe that you are only to blame for this if your husband sat you down and stated that he felt ignored and he felt that the spark was not there anymore, and you ignored him.

What amazes me is the fact that you are blaming her for his affair. Fair enough, things were ropey and by her own admission not perfect. However if you make a vow to someone on your wedding day that you will be honest and respectful, you do NOT go and have sex with someone else. If you feel you're marriage is that bad, its time to leave. Cheating causes so much heartache and grief that I cannot understand how someone would think it was the answer to any marital problems. It is not ok in any circumstances.

OP, you're hurt, wounded and vulnerable. You don't have to make any decisions now but give yourself time and space to digest what has happened. When you are ready go to counselling, go on your own first and see where it leads you. Take this time to reassess. Both your marriage and your friendships. Spend time with your children, they'll pick up on your unhappiness and its important for them to feel secure too.

I cannot imagine the heartache you are experiencing and wish you all the best.

shalalala · 24-11-2014 11:54am

Greenduck wrote: »

What amazes me is the fact that you are blaming her for his affair. Fair enough, things were ropey and by her own admission not perfect. However if you make a vow to someone on your wedding day that you will be honest and respectful, you do NOT go and have sex with someone else. If you feel you're marriage is that bad, its time to leave. Cheating causes so much heartache and grief that I cannot understand how someone would think it was the answer to any marital problems. It is not ok in any circumstances.

OP, you're hurt, wounded and vulnerable. You don't have to make any decisions now but give yourself time and space to digest what has happened. When you are ready go to counselling, go on your own first and see where it leads you. Take this time to reassess. Both your marriage and your friendships. Spend time with your children, they'll pick up on your unhappiness and its important for them to feel secure too.

I cannot imagine the heartache you are experiencing and wish you all the best.

I am not blaming the OP for anything! I was responding to previous posters that said that the friend could have had a point. I believe a good person would bring their problems in the relationship to the other person and proper communication. Cheating shouldn't happen in a perfect world but this is an imperfect one and if the OPs husband said he had a problem and the op ignored it then maybe some of the blame lies with her. But it doesn't seem like this happened at all

up for anything · 25-11-2014 1:35am

homerjay2005 wrote: »

Am i the only person who thinks this miscarraige story is all too convenient?

I mean i know it happens, but two months is a very quick time to realise you are pregnant and lose the baby. Considering the lies that this woman allegidly has already told it wouldnt surprise me in the slightest if this was another one.

Id hazard a guess she was never pregnant just dis this to trap him. I am a big believer that in certain cases cheating is not as straight forward as it seems and this is one of them.

Something that stood out in the first post was the fact that the marraige was "put on the back burner". Im sorry, but when you add this together with a lying, devious "friend" you can see why the husband would wander.

While of course he could have shown more restraint but i wouldnt be lining him up for the shooting squad as posters here seem to be doing.

The "friend" takes most of the blame here for me and the OP should take some responsibility for it too for neglecting the relationship. If the OP can be pretty sure that the husband never had any problems before she lost her focus on the relationship then this can be salvaged.

OP, don't bother taking on board anything from the post above. It is not your fault if your husband had an affair. Marriages go through phases and any couple worth their salt will know that when children come along things change and partners can no longer be the chief focus of attention for a while. Children come first and three small children would consume most of a person's attention and energy especially if you are working as well. It is no excuse to have an affair.

Est28 · 25-11-2014 4:59am

Can't think clearly wrote: »

I put our marriage on the back burner ( I was exhausted/burnt out) .

Can't think clearly wrote: »

I foolishly thought that my husband understood .
And why do men think through their nether regions ??

Sorry to be the barer of bad news here but um....? It's all the guys' fault as usual, right? :rolleyes:

Ok, so lets face the facts. If your "friend" did go after him, then she's obviously a terrible person. If your husband cheated, then that was his choice and not at all what he should have done... so I'm NOT saying they are faultless.

BUT... You've told us that you put your HUSBAND!?!? on the backburner, and that he should just understand. Next (rightly or wrongly) he begins to hear you were through with him or looking at other men, or whatever she said to him, and you wonder why he was led to this situation?

I mean, he IS your husband. I mean, a guy puts a lot into a marrigage, he's dedicating his life to one person, I'm sure he's working to provide for his family, doing all the right things but his wife decides he should just keep oin going like a robot doing this stuff, but she'll just "put him on the backburner". I mean, how has that come to be acceptable in these days? I don't get it.

So yeah, your friend and husband have a lot of explaining to do for their actions... but I mean, couldn't it all have been avoided, if your husband was made feel loved, or appreciated or well... anything at all?

No? Oh, it's #allmen 's problem for thinking with their .....?

dark crystal · 25-11-2014 2:17pm

Est28 wrote: »

Sorry to be the barer of bad news here but um....? It's all the guys' fault as usual, right? :rolleyes:

Ok, so lets face the facts. If your "friend" did go after him, then she's obviously a terrible person. If your husband cheated, then that was his choice and not at all what he should have done... so I'm NOT saying they are faultless.

BUT... You've told us that you put your HUSBAND!?!? on the backburner, and that he should just understand. Next (rightly or wrongly) he begins to hear you were through with him or looking at other men, or whatever she said to him, and you wonder why he was led to this situation?

I mean, he IS your husband. I mean, a guy puts a lot into a marrigage, he's dedicating his life to one person, I'm sure he's working to provide for his family, doing all the right things but his wife decides he should just keep oin going like a robot doing this stuff, but she'll just "put him on the backburner". I mean, how has that come to be acceptable in these days? I don't get it.

So yeah, your friend and husband have a lot of explaining to do for their actions... but I mean, couldn't it all have been avoided, if your husband was made feel loved, or appreciated or well... anything at all?

No? Oh, it's #allmen 's problem for thinking with their .....?

Marriages are not perfect. They go through ups and downs - for better or for worse, right? - if one partner feels they are being taken for granted or ignored, talk to them. Suggest counciling, work harder. If those avenues fail, then part ways. Cheating is never the answer. There's no reason that makes that okay.

The only people to blame here are the liars, not the person who was lied to. Man or woman, it's a devastating thing to do to your family.

OP, give yourself time to process it and think about councilling if you feel there's something there to repair and if you feel there's any room for forgiveness. Forget about the friend - she doesn't understand the meaning of the word. Grieve for the friendship and move on.

I wish you all the best for the future.

Flippyfloppy · 25-11-2014 2:19pm

Est28 wrote: »

BUT... You've told us that you put your HUSBAND!?!? on the backburner, and that he should just understand.

Put on the back burner for THEIR three small kids. Would happen to anyone.

Est28 · 25-11-2014 10:46pm

dark crystal wrote: »

Marriages are not perfect. They go through ups and downs - for better or for worse, right? - if one partner feels they are being taken for granted or ignored, talk to them. Suggest counciling, work harder. If those avenues fail, then part ways. Cheating is never the answer. There's no reason that makes that okay.

The only people to blame here are the liars, not the person who was lied to. Man or woman, it's a devastating thing to do to your family.

OP, give yourself time to process it and think about councilling if you feel there's something there to repair and if you feel there's any room for forgiveness. Forget about the friend - she doesn't understand the meaning of the word. Grieve for the friendship and move on.

I wish you all the best for the future.

Sure, all marriages will have high and low points, due to all sorts of curcumstances, but you STILL put it all on the MAN for not being the one to fix it (councelling, talking, etc...).
Shouldn't the WIFE be the one to say something to HIM? Like "I'm sorry things have been tough lately but taking care of the children has been so difficult and busy right now, but it's just for now and know I love and appreciate all you do for us...."
But nope, nope... it's the guys fault as usual.

Now, cheating wasn't the answer. Not at all. But again, you say the only people the blame are the liars... so you mean the husband (and the friend of course). But there is ZERO blame on the wife for admittedly neglecting her husband? Sure, whatever, that's just fine I suppose, he signed up for this just to be a walking paycheck right? Nothing else matters to him???

This is absurd. If the husband just up and left and the OP was telling us he just walked out even without the friend story, you know everyone here WOULD be saying what a scumbag he is, etc, etc... so that doesn't justify it either saying that's the better option.

Now, at the end of the day, I repeat, the husband and the friend's actions were terrible. No question whatsoever.

But I just cannot agree with people saying it's ok for the husband to be neglected. Yes, all marriages have issues and children take up time, etc... but if one party (the man OR the woman) or left feeling neglected and NOTHING is said or done by the other party to show they care... then this sort of thing hapens.
And that's what it sounds like here... if the husband was feeling loved and wanted in his marriage, something like this would never have even been a possibility in his mind. But the OP says herself she neglected the marriage..., yet even though this can be pinpointed as the EXACT root cause of all this... we are just going to go ahead with the "men only think between their legs" crap?

Sorry, OP needed to take care of her marriage and did not. She took her marriage for granted. She is very lucky the husband is actually the type of guy who feels guilty about it all and was upfront and wants to fix it.

But longterm... if this marriage were to ever work again. Placing all the blame on the husband or the friend as to WHY this all happened, will only lead to a very sad marriage in the future. The OP needs to take responsibility for her own part.

LegacyUser · 26-11-2014 9:08am

I think people are being far too harsh on the op,

three things that came across more to me from her post,
1. she felt her husband would understand when she was exhausted and burned out
2. she was raising three young children
3. she has a demanding job on top of this

I only have 1 child, and i can tell you when i went back to work after having her it was hell, i felt there weren't enough hours in the day and anyone who has young children will realise just how demanding of your time and energy they can be, if you multiply this by three i can completely understand the op and she had an expectation of them being in a monogamous relationship, people criticise her for not talking to her husband or saying how she appreciated him, yet where was her husband supporting his burned out and stressed wife? and relieving this pressure off of her? it works both ways, if he was any good he would have spoken to her about how he was feeling before than jumping in to bed with someone else.

also why her (so called) best friend? if he was feeling unloved/neglected that does not justify him knowingly having sex with a woman he thinks is her best friend?

thats the thing about entering into a marriage its not just about the good times, and to be honest the op deserves better than being put in a situation where every-time she notices a month they haven't had sex goes by wondering where he is getting it from now.

we often have situations in life which means our marriage comes second, and children are a major part in that as they always become your number 1 priority, a part of being a mature and faithful partner in life is knowing that and showing patience and restraint rather than hopping into bed with the next person who is willing. Marriages are hard work but that needs to come from both partners and in this particular case the husband is the one who copped out to be honest not the op. the truth is while what the best friend did was bad, in this case it was the husband who chose to break the promise of fidelity he made to the op as soon as the going got tough, and that is not a marriage or what it's about,

in fact the op really didn't do much wrong, other than say this:

And why do men think through their nether regions ??

i completely disagree with the above sentiment, OP men do not think through their nether regions and it is insulting to assume so, there are many good men out there just like there are many women who cheat.

paperclip2 · 26-11-2014 10:23am

Maybe the OP didn't realise she was neglecting her husband at the time. From reading her first post I get the feeling that it's only with hindsight that she sees this. Three small kids and a full time job can mean you are racing through each day trying to keep going and cover all the bases. Especially if she was the one with primary responsibility for looking after the kids needs. That level of work can create a sort of mental fog where all you can see are the jobs that need to be done and getting the time and space for reflection on anything else including the state of your relationship may not be possible. She may have thought that she and her husband were on the same page about things. If he was unhappy then yes, he should have spoken to his wife about that. Why is it up to her to take responsibility for his emotional well-being?

This is just speculation I know but it is possible.

Realistically it is up to you OP to decide the future of the relationship. If you cant trust your husband then coming back from this will be very difficult. Some time apart to get some clarity might be a good idea.

iwantmydinner · 26-11-2014 2:09pm

Est28 wrote: »

Sure, all marriages will have high and low points, due to all sorts of curcumstances, but you STILL put it all on the MAN for not being the one to fix it (councelling, talking, etc...).
Shouldn't the WIFE be the one to say something to HIM? Like "I'm sorry things have been tough lately but taking care of the children has been so difficult and busy right now, but it's just for now and know I love and appreciate all you do for us...."
But nope, nope... it's the guys fault as usual.

Now, cheating wasn't the answer. Not at all. But again, you say the only people the blame are the liars... so you mean the husband (and the friend of course). But there is ZERO blame on the wife for admittedly neglecting her husband? Sure, whatever, that's just fine I suppose, he signed up for this just to be a walking paycheck right? Nothing else matters to him???

This is absurd. If the husband just up and left and the OP was telling us he just walked out even without the friend story, you know everyone here WOULD be saying what a scumbag he is, etc, etc... so that doesn't justify it either saying that's the better option.

Now, at the end of the day, I repeat, the husband and the friend's actions were terrible. No question whatsoever.

But I just cannot agree with people saying it's ok for the husband to be neglected. Yes, all marriages have issues and children take up time, etc... but if one party (the man OR the woman) or left feeling neglected and NOTHING is said or done by the other party to show they care... then this sort of thing hapens.
And that's what it sounds like here... if the husband was feeling loved and wanted in his marriage, something like this would never have even been a possibility in his mind. But the OP says herself she neglected the marriage..., yet even though this can be pinpointed as the EXACT root cause of all this... we are just going to go ahead with the "men only think between their legs" crap?

Sorry, OP needed to take care of her marriage and did not. She took her marriage for granted. She is very lucky the husband is actually the type of guy who feels guilty about it all and was upfront and wants to fix it.

But longterm... if this marriage were to ever work again. Placing all the blame on the husband or the friend as to WHY this all happened, will only lead to a very sad marriage in the future. The OP needs to take responsibility for her own part.

OP, please ignore these posts.

The fault for cheating lies with the cheater. The wider context of the state of your marriage is crucial of course, but please don't let these posts make you feel guilty for your husband's actions. They are his actions.

Neyite · 26-11-2014 3:10pm

OP,
Here is a book about coping with the aftermath of affairs that is often recommended:

Not just Friends by Shirley Glass

I havent read it myself, but on another forum lots of women in your situation have found it extremely helpful.

LegacyUser · 26-11-2014 8:22pm

Thank you so much for the book recommendation Neyite . I've just ordered it online , so hopefully it will help give me some perspective on things . And thank you to all who've sent me messages of support.
I am genuinely upset at some comments on here .
Firstly , I have already apologised for my men and their 'nether regions ' comment . It was said in the heat of the moment and I admitted that I shouldn't have .
Secondly , at no point did I suggest that I neglected or made my husband feel unloved . I said that I put our marriage on the back burner ( and as someone correctly pointed out , that was a realisation with hindsight ) . My husband wanted us to continue as we did before children arrived ( weekends away , date nights , stay up half the night having sex ) . I did my best , but a full time job and three children took its toll and it was impossible for life it be as it was before they were born, particularly with little in the way of hands on support from himself . I knew that he wanted us to spend more time together and I tried as far as I could to do so , but he never once told me that he was unhappy , felt unloved , neglected - so I strongly object to people who have suggested that I was to blame there .
And finally , as far as I'm concerned , I don't care how unhappy he was - I deserved to be told how he was feeling before things got to the stage where he slept ( and continued to ) with my best friend (or any woman for that matter ) .
It looks like my inability to satisfy him led to the affair, but if he'd had a shred of decency , he would have told me how he was feeling before it got to that stage . I had the right to know he was unhappy - we may have been able to work things out . I am not a mind reader .
I don't know what lies ahead down the road for our relationship ( at the moment I can't bear to speak to him ) , but I won't throw my marriage away lightly . I will give myself time and space to think things through and see where it leads .

shalalala · 26-11-2014 9:19pm

Can't think clearly wrote: »

Thank you so much for the book recommendation Neyite . I've just ordered it online , so hopefully it will help give me some perspective on things . And thank you to all who've sent me messages of support.
I am genuinely upset at some comments on here .
Firstly , I have already apologised for my men and their 'nether regions ' comment . It was said in the heat of the moment and I admitted that I shouldn't have .
Secondly , at no point did I suggest that I neglected or made my husband feel unloved . I said that I put our marriage on the back burner ( and as someone correctly pointed out , that was a realisation with hindsight ) . My husband wanted us to continue as we did before children arrived ( weekends away , date nights , stay up half the night having sex ) . I did my best , but a full time job and three children took its toll and it was impossible for life it be as it was before they were born, particularly with little in the way of hands on support from himself . I knew that he wanted us to spend more time together and I tried as far as I could to do so , but he never once told me that he was unhappy , felt unloved , neglected - so I strongly object to people who have suggested that I was to blame there .
And finally , as far as I'm concerned , I don't care how unhappy he was - I deserved to be told how he was feeling before things got to the stage where he slept ( and continued to ) with my best friend (or any woman for that matter ) .
It looks like my inability to satisfy him led to the affair, but if he'd had a shred of decency , he would have told me how he was feeling before it got to that stage . I had the right to know he was unhappy - we may have been able to work things out . I am not a mind reader .
I don't know what lies ahead down the road for our relationship ( at the moment I can't bear to speak to him ) , but I won't throw my marriage away lightly . I will give myself time and space to think things through and see where it leads .

I am glad that you are strong enough not to blame yourself. And I don't think you should blame yourself, it just seems to be something that people do when their partner cheats. From what you are saying it seems that the damage has been done and you need to move on. I really hope that everything works out for you OP, you deserve it. Be good to yourself. x

CaraMay · 26-11-2014 9:21pm

Everything you have said is right op.

Est28 · 26-11-2014 11:39pm

But why is it acceptable for her husband to be "put on the backburner", but in no way acceptable for him to be upset by his, even after having by the OP's admittance, tried his hardest to keep it going with dinners, outtings, etc...?

I'm at a total loss as to why this is deemed acceptable and this is the husbands fault 1000%???

Realizing it after the fact or not. Her husband WAS neglected. I don't see how that's just "how it is".

I don't doubt for a second the stress and tiredness that comes along with raising 3 children. But I'm sure he could equally talk of the stress of providing for the family! But if none of that is communicated in such a way that he is loved and appreciated and he KNOWS this is the reason things had been slow during a certain time period and it was in no way because he was being deliberately "put on the backburner" then I'm sure he'd begin to understand, but from what we have been told, that was NOT the case... he was neglected and was supposed to just "deal with it".

Nobody here is defending his actions of cheating. But I DO find it outragious that when it comes to actualy finding the root causes and what might save the marriage... we want to blame the MAN totally (thinks with his you know what???:rolleyes:), ignore ALL he had done prior to this (which the OP has outlined, he HAS) and look at airy fairy ways to saving a marriage instead of looking at the root cause and correcting it going forward.

CaraMay · 26-11-2014 11:54pm

He didn't pull his weight with the family rearing. She contributes financially as well. He is 100% guilty. His wife had the same pressures, little support from him and yet she didn't go off and shag his best friend. Simples.

Neyite · 27-11-2014 12:01am

She has stated that she got very little help around the house or with her 3 children. Plus she was holding down a full time job.

While he was out tomcatting with her friend.

And people blame HER for this?

Op, you are not to blame for this lazy man cheating on you. If he had paid a bit more attention to your needs, you might have had the time to pay a bit of attention to his.

Flippyfloppy · 27-11-2014 12:03am

Est28 if you read ops last post correctly and compare it to yours you'll find you've misquoted her several times as well as put a different spin on some things she said.

You seem to be the only only making an issue of the MAN being to blame.

Est28 · 27-11-2014 12:20am

Fair enough, I felt a balanced discussion would more likely help the OP and her family move forward than giving her a patronizing pat on the head while we scowl across at the neighbours.

But I'm just a man thinking with my thing I guess.

iwantmydinner · 27-11-2014 1:00am

Est28 wrote: »

Fair enough, I felt a balanced discussion would more likely help the OP and her family move forward than giving her a patronizing pat on the head while we scowl across at the neighbours.

But I'm just a man thinking with my thing I guess.

Nothing you have said will be in the least bit helpful to the OP and her family.

OP, please just continue to ignore these posts. You have enough to be dealing with.

Dixie Chick · 27-11-2014 11:48am

OP you sound like a very clued in person and well aware that this situation is not your fault.

To the poster who keeps going in circle about the comment she made with the husband on the backburner....do you feel men need special attention once children are born? That if their partners cant make any extra room in their already overloaded lives to mollycoddle him that he can feel sad and neglected and then entitled to do as he wishes?

Tokyo · 27-11-2014 12:53pm

Est28 - advice towards the OP is more than welcome here, and you are of course entitled to have your opinion on the matter at hand. Soapboxing however is not welcome. Please keep your responses on topic and directed towards the OP's issue.

iwantmydinner - respectfully, it's not your place to tell the OP what they should listen to and ignore. Everybody's input is welcome here, as long as it's on the topic of the OP's issue.

FurBabyMomma · 28-11-2014 12:16am

Est28 wrote: »

Fair enough, I felt a balanced discussion would more likely help the OP and her family move forward than giving her a patronizing pat on the head while we scowl across at the neighbours.

But I'm just a man thinking with my thing I guess.

Don't be so petulant and acting like you're the hurt party here on behalf of all mankind. It doesn't matter whether it was a husband or wife who did the cheating, it's about the fact that one spouse in the relationship had so much on their plate they did not realise the marriage was in trouble, and at no point was this communicated to them. YOU are the one making this into the battle of the sexes, maybe give it a rest and actually read what she has said without your own gender biases.

Op I feel for you. If my marriage in trouble I hope my OH would respect me enough to tell me so and give me a chance to put things right before seeking sex elsewhere. We're all human and can't be expected to be Stepford Wives/Husband at all times.

professore · 28-11-2014 12:28am

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Put on the back burner for THEIR three small kids. Would happen to anyone.

Not an acceptable excuse. Both parties made vows. Back burner wasn't in there. Neither was cheating of course, but being treated as a human atm for years will put a strain on any man - or woman. Don't take your partner for granted. Marriages have to be worked at.

A good marriage is a team working together.

LegacyUser · 28-11-2014 12:32am

I hope you and your husband can get past this. Having children is both a joy and a stressful time, and can try the strongest relationships.

As previously mentioned, your husband was no victim. He should have spoken to you about how he was feeling, you owe each other that talk if something changes or you're not happy.

However, that 'friend' was never a friend. Perhaps many years ago, but she's had an eye on your husband since they met. While you confided in her about feeling worn out and things had chilled out romantically it was like an open goal for her. I'm sure he felt things had been a bit run down lately, and she was all to happy to back that up and create doubt.

I dont believ there was a real miscarriage to be honest, she sounds like a plotting crazy bitch, trying to do as much damage as she can to secure him for herself. What kind of a person does that to a family?

I'd love to see you and your husband come back from this. Have proper date nights again, and be stronger than before

If you do try again, don't crack. It sounds exactly like what she wants. She would be seething seeing you both loved up more than ever

iwantmydinner · 28-11-2014 1:06am

professore wrote: »

Not an acceptable excuse. Both parties made vows. Back burner wasn't in there. Neither was cheating of course, but being treated as a human atm for years will put a strain on any man - or woman. Don't take your partner for granted. Marriages have to be worked at.

A good marriage is a team working together.

Where do get the "human atm" thing from?! OP said she was also working full-time outside of her maternity leave. C'mon now.

Detached Retina · 28-11-2014 1:50am

iwantmydinner wrote: »

Where do get the "human atm" thing from?! OP said she was also working full-time outside of her maternity leave. C'mon now.

Bit of bitterness..perhaps there were some consciences pricked by the post about cheating and a couple of people trying to justify it or make it a gender equality issue. OP has nothing to feel guilty about!

professore · 28-11-2014 8:57am

iwantmydinner wrote: »

Where do get the "human atm" thing from?! OP said she was also working full-time outside of her maternity leave. C'mon now.

Fair point. My point was more of a general one, not relevant to the OP, reading it again it came across badly. In no way was I trying to justify the cheating or blame the OP.

Also missed the bit about working full-time outside the home.

CaraMay · 28-11-2014 9:05am

professore wrote: »

Not an acceptable excuse. Both parties made vows. Back burner wasn't in there. Neither was cheating of course, but being treated as a human atm for years will put a strain on any man - or woman. Don't take your partner for granted. Marriages have to be worked at.

A good marriage is a team working together.

Since when did someone staying at home to mind their kids turn them into a money grabber (because they treat the husband like a human ATM) ???? My friends husband has chosen to stay at home with the kids - is he a money grabber or do only women qualify?

As an aside, the op works but that's very unfair to parebts who choose that option.

tinkerbell · 28-11-2014 11:30am

Jees, some of the responses here are shocking - the OP is in no way to blame. She's in a full time job, raising three kids, keeping the house in order, all while her husband's only contribution to things was wanting to carry on with their social life as if they hadn't kids - date nights, weekends away and stay up all night having sex. And when he wasn't getting that, he shagged her best friend. What a rotten lowlife.

OP, it's your decision but I couldn't stay in a marriage like that. The only person your husband is thinking of is himself. He sounds like such an idiot - how are you even supposed to get the time to do date nights etc with 3 young kids when you are working and sorting the house as well with no help from him? There's only 24 hours in a day and after a long days work, then running around after 3 kids, cooking and cleaning, while your husband sits on his backside relaxing, you're hardly gonna feel like having sex with him. This is all his fault - his fault that you had no time for relationship and his fault that he cheated on you. Do not let anyone convince you that you're to blame here.

Est28 · 28-11-2014 8:33pm

tinkerbell wrote: »

Jees, some of the responses here are shocking - the OP is in no way to blame. She's in a full time job, raising three kids, keeping the house in order, all while her husband's only contribution to things was wanting to carry on with their social life as if they hadn't kids - date nights, weekends away and stay up all night having sex. And when he wasn't getting that, he shagged her best friend. What a rotten lowlife.

There is SO much in that post that is purely made up speculation.

While we can all only guess and provide our own context to what ACTUALLY is the full situation going on what we know for sure from the OP's posts...

Why is it that when someone actually says anything in defense of the husband (given he appeared to be just wafting along in a loveless marriage), it's unacceptable, but when someone wants to twist the fact that he was actually going things to try SAVE the marriage, into NEGATIVE things,and start name calling with "lowlife, scumbag" etc... it's perfectly acceptable???

I don't think ONE person here, including me, has anything good to say about the husbands actions in cheating. None. It was wrong.

But people don't just cheat for no reason. I know the victims often like to paint that picture, but if something big like this happens in a marriage then 9/10 it's indicitive of a MUCH larger problem in the relationship, something which the "victim" needs to take a long look at themselves about.

FACTS are that OP admits to neglecting the relationship (someone accused me of misquoting the OP earlier but I copied a direct quote from the first post). She also admits he was doing things to TRY and keep things going by trying to make plans which went unappreciated. The OP working herself and raising kids surely is tough in it;s own right but plenty people manage to maintain a marriage and at least show their partner they care despite all this.

For a second, lets think of a husband in this EXACT situation with his wife, but he has not cheated. He is just feeling neglected and ignored despite his efforts to make plans and do things for his family. If HE were to post here asking what to do... would it not be a totally different story? Where we'd assume the wife is not taking care of her marriage? But throw in the cheating on his part and now the wife can do no wrong? Makes no sense.

What happened, happened. The OP asked for advice on moving forward with the marriage. How does holding this over her husband for ever more while she thinks she can do no wrong, ever give this marriage any chance. BOTH parties need to work on the marriage and accept how they neglected it... I said BOTH of them. These things just DO NOT HAPPEN without much deeper problems in the relationship and only resolving THOSE issues could ever help to save the marriage.

allym · 28-11-2014 9:20pm

The OP never said she was completely blameless. She's admitted that things weren't great, but she didn't realise that it was affecting him as much as it was.

He is to blame. If he was feeling so neglected, he should have spoken to her. Not say nothing and then cheat on her with her best friend.

And if he came here looking for advice, he would be told the exact same thing. Communication is key in a relationship. You can't fix problems you don't know exist!

My advice to you now would be the same OP, you too need to communicate your feeling and concerns, and hear his. Then you both need to decide whether you can move past this.

LegacyUser · 29-11-2014 2:20am

Est28 . Ours was far from a loveless marriage . I loved him dearly . It's possible I didnt always show it , but , in fairness , there were many times I felt completely and utterly taken for granted . The difference between us was that I talked to him when I felt overwhelmed and felt that he wasn't doing his fair share (or anything at all ) to help around the house/with the kids . And he'd change his ways for a week or two before he'd revert to his lazy ways again . He , on the other hand , never gave any indication that anything was amiss , other than he wanted more sex (and I did make a huge effort there - and believe me - it was a huge effort when I was feeling used, exhausted and unattractive ) .
And don't get me wrong . I do NOT want to be portrayed as any sort of Saint in any of this . There was obviously something astray in our marriage and I must take some of the responsibility for that . But I refuse to accept any responsibility for the affair . That was all on him .
We have spent a lot of time talking over the past week . He wants to salvage our marriage . I still don't know how I feel . My instinct tells me that he truly regrets what has happened and that he honestly wants to make a fresh start with our marriage . I just don't know . I need time to think . I've arranged to stay with a friend this weekend , while he looks after the children . Maybe some time away will give me a fresh perspective on things .

Neyite · 29-11-2014 10:04am

But he only wanted to salvage it and work on problems when he got caught? Until then there was no remorse or attempts to discuss the problems in the marriage. So he's not sorry. Just sorry he got caught.

Can he stay elsewhere for a couple of weeks to give you headspace to process this? I think that would be helpful.

Don't feel guilted into YOU having to make this marriage survive. The vows got broken by him the moment he crossed that line, and if its to be repaired its a long and slow process requiring him to be genuinely contrite and wanting to change.

You may find that it has changed your feelings for him, and given the other lack of support you might find there is nothing left there worth salvaging. But you can decide that in your own time. And you can change your mind - you could initially decide to try to mend it then decide not to a bit further down the line.

But I think right now you need him out of your personal space so you can objectively assess what you need, what you want. And it might drive home to him the enormity of the effects his actions have caused because I think he needs it.

Every relationship will have droughts sex wise- either due to lack of time, energy, emotional disconnects, medical issues working away etc. But people who don't cheat suck it up and talk to their partner about it, not run off down the street to have sex with someone else. Its about the character and integrity of the people involved.

Marriage destroyed thanks to my husband and a person I used to think was a friend.

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