What's the right thing to do?

Corelchamp · 20-02-2012 6:21pm #1

25 years ago, my sister gave her baby girl up for adoption. She was only 15 when she got pregnant by a 21 year old man who took advantage of her. He completely denied the baby was his. My sister was young, innocent, and hadn't been with anyone else.

I was there for my sister throughout the adoption process. I know the small town where the child went to, and I know her adopted name.

My sister was adamant that she didn't want the child to get in touch when she received the adoption register form several years ago, she ticked the 'I do not want contact' box.

She was very bitter about the whole process, and how her supposed boyfriend denied her and turned his back when she got pregnant, spread untrue rumours about her.
The man still lives in the area, he is married with kids, but never acknowledged my sister again.

My sister married a man from overseas and had two children, now age 18 and 13. The children do not know anything of their half sister or the adoption, something that always upset my mother and I.

Six months ago, my sister died very suddenly. Stress [related to the adopted child] brought on an asthma attack which resulted in a fatal heart attack. The last conversation I had with my sister a short while before her death was about the adopted child. My sister was very stressed that the 18 year old would find out. We all live in a small village where everyone knows what happened.

My mother (elderly, in poor health, won't be around in a year or two) and I always wanted my sister to get in touch with the child and have it all out in the open. We feared someone will tell the kids as everyone in the area knows except them.

My sister's husband only knows that an adoption took place. He expressed interest many years ago in looking for the child with my sister but she refused to discuss the matter further.

In the 6 months running up to her death though, the child was constantly on her mind and she had been doing some research. The main stress she had was feeling like a failure for what happened, feeling she had wronged her children in some way and let everyone down by getting pregnant, and she was also very stressed that her kids may find out. I told her she needed to sit them down and tell them the truth, but she never got around to it. I think it is something she would have done but she wasn't ready yet. She feared they would resent her for not telling them sooner.

Now she is gone, and I am like a mother figure in their lives. I spend most of my time with them daily, I am here for them, and I hate the secret I am keeping. I never wanted it to be a secret. My sister had adoption documents and items of clothing from the adopted child hidden in her house that I fear her children may find.

It upsets me that should anything happen to me, they may never know they have a half sister out there. I am the only person who has the details required to contact the child.

I feel there is important medical info to be passed onto the adopted girl. I think that it would be a happy occasion for my sister's children to know they are not alone in the world now that they have lost their mother, that they have a big sister. I would love for my mother to meet this girl while she is still here.

I plan to discuss this issue with my sister's husband. In the past, he was very in favour of having this all out in the open and I imagine he will still feel the same.

But knowing how my sister felt about it, is it any of my business? Do I have the right to get involved? I feel that my sister would've sorted matters out down the road, she just wasn't ready and sadly the stress wound up killing her. There is not a day that this isn't on my mind now, particularly listening to shows such as Joe Duffy and Ray D'Arcy covering adoption.

What is the right thing to do here? Is there any point in making contact with this girl when her mother is now gone, and her father would not acknowledge her existence? Perhaps it is a can of worms best left unopened.

I'd love to hear the opinions of others on this. I'm not planning to take any action in the near future, if at all, just curious as to what adopted people would feel about this situation.

Thanks.

Moonbeam · 21-02-2012 7:06pm

I think that it is more important that the kids find out from their family rather then strangers.
Maybe you could arrange to meet the adopted girl and have a chat with her,and you and the kids dad sit down together to discuss ti with the kids.
I am very sorry to hear about your sister and it is an awful situation to be in but personally I think it needs to be out in the open.
If it was me I would also want to prove paternity to clear her name but that is probably going too far for now.

Good Luck

OneIdea · 21-02-2012 9:34pm

I think it would be OK to discuss this with your sisters kids, but I'm not sure about trying to contact your sisters adopted girl. Whether she knows she adopted or not? she obviously still today does not know the circumstances surrounding the issue.

So, its a yes from me to openly discuss this with your immediate family. I know they will be heartbroken for their mother and saddened about not growing up with their biological sister. Its possible they might not want to make contact, perhaps yourself and your sisters husband should let them decide or not even suggest they do. I really can't say.... you won't know what to do until they know.

However I would like to think, that if your family does decide to try and make contact, that your tactful about what is said over the next few years.... nobody knows how this could effect your sisters adopted girl or the adoptive parents.

Whatever happens, you yourself sound stressed and you know from experience this is not good. I know your heart is in the right place and you will make the right decisions...

Stinjy · 22-02-2012 2:47am

Corelchamp wrote: »

25 years ago, my sister gave her baby girl up for adoption. She was only 15 when she got pregnant by a 21 year old man who took advantage of her. He completely denied the baby was his. My sister was young, innocent, and hadn't been with anyone else.

I was there for my sister throughout the adoption process. I know the small town where the child went to, and I know her adopted name.

My sister was adamant that she didn't want the child to get in touch when she received the adoption register form several years ago, she ticked the 'I do not want contact' box.

She was very bitter about the whole process, and how her supposed boyfriend denied her and turned his back when she got pregnant, spread untrue rumours about her.
The man still lives in the area, he is married with kids, but never acknowledged my sister again.

My sister married a man from overseas and had two children, now age 18 and 13. The children do not know anything of their half sister or the adoption, something that always upset my mother and I.

Six months ago, my sister died very suddenly. Stress [related to the adopted child] brought on an asthma attack which resulted in a fatal heart attack. The last conversation I had with my sister a short while before her death was about the adopted child. My sister was very stressed that the 18 year old would find out. We all live in a small village where everyone knows what happened.

My mother (elderly, in poor health, won't be around in a year or two) and I always wanted my sister to get in touch with the child and have it all out in the open. We feared someone will tell the kids as everyone in the area knows except them.

My sister's husband only knows that an adoption took place. He expressed interest many years ago in looking for the child with my sister but she refused to discuss the matter further.

In the 6 months running up to her death though, the child was constantly on her mind and she had been doing some research. The main stress she had was feeling like a failure for what happened, feeling she had wronged her children in some way and let everyone down by getting pregnant, and she was also very stressed that her kids may find out. I told her she needed to sit them down and tell them the truth, but she never got around to it. I think it is something she would have done but she wasn't ready yet. She feared they would resent her for not telling them sooner.

Now she is gone, and I am like a mother figure in their lives. I spend most of my time with them daily, I am here for them, and I hate the secret I am keeping. I never wanted it to be a secret. My sister had adoption documents and items of clothing from the adopted child hidden in her house that I fear her children may find.

It upsets me that should anything happen to me, they may never know they have a half sister out there. I am the only person who has the details required to contact the child.

I feel there is important medical info to be passed onto the adopted girl. I think that it would be a happy occasion for my sister's children to know they are not alone in the world now that they have lost their mother, that they have a big sister. I would love for my mother to meet this girl while she is still here.

I plan to discuss this issue with my sister's husband. In the past, he was very in favour of having this all out in the open and I imagine he will still feel the same.

But knowing how my sister felt about it, is it any of my business? Do I have the right to get involved? I feel that my sister would've sorted matters out down the road, she just wasn't ready and sadly the stress wound up killing her. There is not a day that this isn't on my mind now, particularly listening to shows such as Joe Duffy and Ray D'Arcy covering adoption.

What is the right thing to do here? Is there any point in making contact with this girl when her mother is now gone, and her father would not acknowledge her existence? Perhaps it is a can of worms best left unopened.

I'd love to hear the opinions of others on this. I'm not planning to take any action in the near future, if at all, just curious as to what adopted people would feel about this situation.

Thanks.

ok, being adopted myself, my oppinion,and only my oppinion, I'd say sit down with your sisters husband talk him throughit, let him get his headstraight first, then he can assist you in the telling if the kids.

I myself was 5 and have known since day one, my brothers here now have always known, whileit was a touchy subject at a younger age ive grown up being able to ask questions, I know things about my biological mother and her family now, granted she doesnt know I know,and im not saying you should contact your sisters daughter,but chamces are if shes 25 and knows shes adopted, she'll have asked questions,and nthe age of facebook info isnt exactly hard tocome by .

However if she doesnt know (which personally I hope she does as I feel its better) this couldcome as quite a shock, however, dont expect it to change anything, I know this wasnt your sisters fault andhell it must be one of the hardest things to do, but I believe family are those who raised you, and while im perfectly sure your sister was a brilliant mother,and she definately did the right thing for her first child, ... Just whar im.saying in relation to the adopted child, is dont have high hopes forher wanting.to be involved with your family, it wont be your fault or your sisters fault or anything, its just well these are my feelings based on my thoughts if this happened to me...

In relation to the two kids youre involved with, I dont see any harm in themknowing, just please explain it properly, and encourage questions (not nescarily on the spot) and im not telling you how to parent or anything but, I know how it worked here... If they cansee what exactly happened they will understand and be more accepting,and also if the adopted child wants to be involved they will be more accepting, however it needs to be as honest as possible,and telling the truth to twoteenagers isnt nice, but its necessary if theyare tounderstand the reality,trust me circumstances help....alot....

If they have a bit of sense vetween themthey'll realise its noo ones fault,these things happen and theyll see that their mother was a strong woman.who did what was best for the greater good and not just herself...

Anyway im rambling.now, if you want any thing clarified / mire thoughts send them my way... Also very sorry about spelling andrandom . And, im using an awful pphone

.

But hope this helps

Corelchamp · 24-02-2012 11:00am

Thanks so much for your replies. Unfortunately there is no-one I can discuss this with in real life so it's nice to get it out in the open here.

I will not take any further action for now, but am awaiting the right time with my sister's husband where we can discuss it privately, without the kids around, and see what he thinks on it. I suppose it's more his decision than anyone else's.

I have backed down a little since posting and re-thought my actions, that perhaps it's nothing to do with me. It was my sister's place to make it known or make contact and she had many years to do so but never did.

My only fear is that the children will find out from someone else. Still though, if they haven't been told up to now, it's unlikely.

I do have a fear that my sister's daughter may not know she's adopted, but her adoptive parents also adopted another child so hopefully they were open about it all.

I have also been thinking that it's probable my sister's daughter won't have any interest in meeting us now, as her birth mother is gone. I was reading through threads here, and everyone wants to meet their BM, that seems to be the main drive behind searches, it is probably unfair to open a can of worms to this poor girl.

Is it possible that I could notify some authority that my sister has passed away in case my sister's daughter tries to look for her? Perhaps it could be stored on file? Or do I have the right to do something like that? Do I have the right to see if the girl has ever tried to search us out? Or would this information only be available to the parents of the child?

The father of my sister's child fathered 2 other children which he denied, one while he's been married, and he has children with his wife also, so my sister's daughter has many half siblings, but I am fairly certain her father would never acknowledge her or allow paternity tests.

tyview · 24-02-2012 11:52am

Hi, I was just wondering if you have put your name down on the national contact preference register. As far as I can remember as a birth relative you can be included. If you haven't it might be worth while in the long run and you can also add some information about your sister and informing the adoption authority that she had filled it in but is now deceased. Its just a thought.... I hope things worth out for all involved and very sorry to hear about your sister.

Corelchamp · 24-02-2012 12:19pm

I did not put my name on the national contact preference register as I did not know I could, I thought it was birth mother only. I know that my sister stated she did not want any contact at that time, something I tried to talk her out of but she thought she'd be able to amend it in later years when her kids were older and her life was in a different place. Sadly she didn't get that chance.

Who would I get in touch with, what organisation, to add my details to that register now, and to update the info?

tyview · 24-02-2012 12:21pm

Ring the adoption board on Tel: (01) 667 1392 and they can send one out. I'm pretty sure it says on it that ANY natural family member can do it or in the case where a BM is deceased, anyone who was close to her. Its worth a go!

Corelchamp · 24-02-2012 12:41pm

Thanks so much for the info and number, tyview.

I want to ring the number now as I just feel I need to do 'something', but I will try and talk to my sister's husband this weekend if I can get him on his own at some stage and I'll see how he feels about it first.

Perhaps on Monday, I will call that number and request a form from them. I would at least feel I'd done something to help this situation if the register is updated with the more recent, sad information. The last thing I want to do is get in touch with the girl allowing her to think her BM wants to meet her, only to have her told her BM is in fact deceased.

gizmorox · 24-02-2012 12:44pm

Corelchamp wrote: »

25 years ago, my sister gave her baby girl up for adoption. She was only 15 when she got pregnant by a 21 year old man who took advantage of her. He completely denied the baby was his. My sister was young, innocent, and hadn't been with anyone else.

I was there for my sister throughout the adoption process. I know the small town where the child went to, and I know her adopted name.

My sister was adamant that she didn't want the child to get in touch when she received the adoption register form several years ago, she ticked the 'I do not want contact' box.

She was very bitter about the whole process, and how her supposed boyfriend denied her and turned his back when she got pregnant, spread untrue rumours about her.
The man still lives in the area, he is married with kids, but never acknowledged my sister again.

My sister married a man from overseas and had two children, now age 18 and 13. The children do not know anything of their half sister or the adoption, something that always upset my mother and I.

Six months ago, my sister died very suddenly. Stress [related to the adopted child] brought on an asthma attack which resulted in a fatal heart attack. The last conversation I had with my sister a short while before her death was about the adopted child. My sister was very stressed that the 18 year old would find out. We all live in a small village where everyone knows what happened.

My mother (elderly, in poor health, won't be around in a year or two) and I always wanted my sister to get in touch with the child and have it all out in the open. We feared someone will tell the kids as everyone in the area knows except them.

My sister's husband only knows that an adoption took place. He expressed interest many years ago in looking for the child with my sister but she refused to discuss the matter further.

In the 6 months running up to her death though, the child was constantly on her mind and she had been doing some research. The main stress she had was feeling like a failure for what happened, feeling she had wronged her children in some way and let everyone down by getting pregnant, and she was also very stressed that her kids may find out. I told her she needed to sit them down and tell them the truth, but she never got around to it. I think it is something she would have done but she wasn't ready yet. She feared they would resent her for not telling them sooner.

Now she is gone, and I am like a mother figure in their lives. I spend most of my time with them daily, I am here for them, and I hate the secret I am keeping. I never wanted it to be a secret. My sister had adoption documents and items of clothing from the adopted child hidden in her house that I fear her children may find.

It upsets me that should anything happen to me, they may never know they have a half sister out there. I am the only person who has the details required to contact the child.

I feel there is important medical info to be passed onto the adopted girl. I think that it would be a happy occasion for my sister's children to know they are not alone in the world now that they have lost their mother, that they have a big sister. I would love for my mother to meet this girl while she is still here.

I plan to discuss this issue with my sister's husband. In the past, he was very in favour of having this all out in the open and I imagine he will still feel the same.

But knowing how my sister felt about it, is it any of my business? Do I have the right to get involved? I feel that my sister would've sorted matters out down the road, she just wasn't ready and sadly the stress wound up killing her. There is not a day that this isn't on my mind now, particularly listening to shows such as Joe Duffy and Ray D'Arcy covering adoption.

What is the right thing to do here? Is there any point in making contact with this girl when her mother is now gone, and her father would not acknowledge her existence? Perhaps it is a can of worms best left unopened.

I'd love to hear the opinions of others on this. I'm not planning to take any action in the near future, if at all, just curious as to what adopted people would feel about this situation.

Thanks.

First of all it's more than likely that this girl knows she's adopted,I'm 34 and even back then the 'catholic' adoption agency that handled my adoption urged my parents to tell me I was adopted when they felt I was old enough to understand,I found out when I was seven,I was 23 when I wrote to the agency asking for information,turns out my bm wrote a letter 6 weeks earlier,long story short,met up a few times,really helped with my sense of overall identity,decided to cut off contact due to her odd behaviour caused by bipolar disorder,still glad I met her all the same,really think you should start proceedings to at least see if she has been searching for her mam,best of luck if you decide to

Corelchamp · 24-02-2012 1:24pm

I can't thank you all enough, your responses have really helped me. Since reading suggestions of at least updating the register regarding my sister's death, I feel a certain amount of weight lifted from my shoulders. I've been feeling so bad for the poor girl who may seek her mother out and go to the ends of the earth to do so, only to find out about her death by knocking on a door. I will definitely get on to taking some early stages action, and hopefully the rest will fall into place in the near future.

I didn't realise I could ask if the girl has been seeking her mother, but I certainly will, I have a lot of research to do as I don't know much on the whole process, but I do know that my mother and I would certainly be willing to meet her should she ever wish to get in touch.

Thanks again

OS119 · 26-02-2012 5:47pm

hi OP, it might help if you and your sisters husband spilt the problem into two issues - firstly the family history, which as others have said, it would be most unfortunate/harmful if they were told by others, and not by their family, and secondly the identity of the child and the issue of contact.

however, the problem i see you having is that its going to be difficult to plausably avoid letting on that you know what happened to the child - and therefore the possibility that your sisters children will make an approach based on other information they may be able to gather. the issue, for me, is that you don't have the right to change the adopted childs life (which contact will do) for the good of the unadopted children.

while i echo the comments about putting yourself on the contact register, its a 'maybe' thing - the adopted child may not look for contact for 10 years, she may not want it, she may not even know she's adopted - its a bit like planning on snowfall, you can make an educated guess, but its not something you have any control over. the only suggestion i can make that tries to square the circle of looking after the interests of all the children involved is to move the family away from the small town where everyone knows everyone elses business. that way you avoid the children finding out in the pub, and also avoid forcing contact/knowledge on the adopted child.

its not good, but i don't see any good options in this sorry mess.

radharc05 · 27-02-2012 5:16am

@corelchamp -
What a very difficult situation you find yourself in, and its so sad that your sister has passed away due to the stress/guilt of it.
I think that the adopted child in question has the right to know where she came from.

I feel you should to pick the right moment and speak with your sisters husband.
Outline all the reasons as to why you feel it is necessary, ie medical grounds, and the burden that is carried by all of you hiding this secret.
Then I think you out to try and contact the adopted parents, and ask them if your niece is aware of being adopted. If she is NOT aware,or its not possible to contact them, then as another poster mentioned register with the adoption board so that if the adopted child does know or find out that she will be able to make up her own mind as to whether she wants to get in contact. In that way, you will ease the terrible guilt you have and have peace of mind that you did try and do something to ease the burden of that guilt.

With regard to your sisters other children.
You could approach it this way.

Go out for a drive and mention that the radio is full stories about adoption at the moment, outline as you have mentioned your original post some of the vague details of the story, and say something like 'what an awful situation to find yourself in', you'll gauge a lot from their feedback, also as to what their thoughts and feelings and ultimately what THEY would do if they found themselves in that situation.

Your a good and person who finds herself in a very difficult situation.
Your sister died because of the stress of the whole situation and the burden that she was carrying,
dont let this secret eat away at you too.
Find the right time and approach the subject with your sisters husband.

Good luck x

OS119 · 27-02-2012 10:14am

radharc05 wrote: »

.
...I think that the adopted child in question has the right to know where she came from....

perhaps better put would be that the adopted child - who is now an adult - has the right to choose whether to know where they came from.

it is extremely unlikely that the child does not know they are adopted
- firstly because it has been 'best practice' for children to be aware of the adoption from an early age for a very long time, and secondly if they have had any contact with the state - applying for a passport for a start, they will have found out.

therefore we can only surmise that (particularly because of the very local nature of this particular adoption) the adopted child either has the information and doesn't want contact, doesn't want the information, or doesn't want it yet. however sad and messy the OP's current situation may be, and however much easier for her family it would be if the adoption were to be out in the open, the OP and her family have no right to force the information and inevitable contact on someone who almost certainly doesn't want it.

its sad, and it doesn't offer any solutions - because, imv, there aren't any - other than moving the family away from the small-town atmosphere.

Corelchamp · 27-02-2012 9:15pm

OS119, I don't want bringing anything on the adopted child. I've been in touch with the adoption board who were very helpful and I have discussed the matter in depth with my sister's husband and our plan now is to simply update the adoption contact preference register with the relevant information, should the adopted girl wish to get in touch. She did not have the ability to do so previously as my sister stated she did not wish for any contact at that time, something she had been regretting/questioning in the weeks before her death.

I feel there are a few pieces of medical information which need to be passed on, so this will be done via the adoption register. Whether the girl seeks this information is her own choice and I will not be interfering in her life in any way.

Moving away is not an option, and even if it was, it isn't something I would agree with doing. Firstly, the children have had enough upheaval in their lives of late without relocating to some big city where no-one knows anyone. Secondly, I think in this day and age, secrets like this are unnecessary. My sister hid the whole issue away because she felt she had done wrong, because of Catholic morals placed on her by others, and because of the way she was treated by the father of the child (being painted as some kind of slut, something she certainly wasn't). I never believed my sister did anything wrong, she was not a bad person, and I do not want her children to think this if they are mis-informed about this situation from others.

My sister's husband and I plan to sit the elder of the children down in the near future and carefully and clearly explain the situation. We will then figure out from there when to tell the younger child.

radharc05, thankfully the opportunity to discuss this with my sister's husband came up this weekend, and he is now aware of all of the facts of this situation. I did not push him into anything regarding future meet-ups with the adopted daughter or anything like that yet, I simply told him that I would like medical information added to the girl's file, and that I feel it would be better to allow the children to know, something he agreed wholeheartedly with. He wishes to leave this situation in my hands as I was there at the time and I knew my sister better than anyone. He would like to work with me on this matter and see what happens together.

For now, we will work on sorting things out at our end, and then hopefully down the road, the discussion of meeting or further contact will be broached again. But first it's best I think for the idea (which seems to now be possible) to settle into all of our minds and see how everyone else feels about it in a few week's time.

Thanks for the helpful replies! It's really taken a weight off my shoulders to have finally done something about this, and the adoption board were very understanding and helpful.

tyview · 27-02-2012 11:01pm

Corelchamp wrote: »

thankfully the opportunity to discuss this with my sister's husband came up this weekend, and he is now aware of all of the facts of this situation. I did not push him into anything regarding future meet-ups with the adopted daughter or anything like that yet, I simply told him that I would like medical information added to the girl's file, and that I feel it would be better to allow the children to know, something he agreed wholeheartedly with. He wishes to leave this situation in my hands as I was there at the time and I knew my sister better than anyone. He would like to work with me on this matter and see what happens together.

Its great that the pair of you have come up with a plan together. As you said, you were there for your sister at the time and her children will probably have many questions about it which they can talk to you about. Best of luck with it! I know that when my BM sat my half siblings down to tell them, they had some questions but they soon accepted it for what it was and didnt judge her for it either.

What's the right thing to do?

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