Is my boyfriend mean? Or am I being unreasonable?

Magicmatilda · 23-04-2014 2:53pm

dusf wrote: »

The exaggeration is your quoting of me. I never said he would run off with her money, I asked her if she would be comfortable with someone so stingy having access to her money, even when she is not there.

I wasn't quoting you. Someone suggested he could be "gone with your money". No need to take everything so personally.

strobe · 23-04-2014 3:39pm

moneymoneymoney666 wrote: »

I never expect him to treat me to a super expensive meal... EVER! We go halves on everything and as I said I always come out spending more. The reason I expected him to be paying on this one occasion was that he kept saying after my birthday that he would get me something when he had the cash, so when he had the cash and said he was treating me I did expect it!

Yes, I do 'sometimes' do that because as a couple we do go halves on things, sometimes I might buy the cinema tickets and he would get the sweets for example... when I offer to pay things I expect that he will buy something else in return to make things even. Yes it is a choice that I make... but he also makes the choice not the return the favour which in my eyes is a bit tight!

Another way to look at that is that buying cinema tickets or a drink or whatever and then expecting it be essentially refunded on a quid pro quo basis is what is a bit tight or stingy tbh.

If I buy drinks or a meal or pay for a taxi for the person I'm in a relationship with I don't chalk it down and then later tot up the tab to see if they've returned the favour.

The insurance is one thing as you two seemed to have had an arrangement that it would be split 50/50 and it hadn't been.

Stewing away every time you buy a drink or a taxi fare or whatever until the scales have been balanced sounds unbelievably stingy to me...
Do you not just do these thing cause they're nice things to do?

Unless your bf is leaning on you to do these things (and from what you've said it doesn't sound like that's the case, but rather you volunteer to freely and regularly) I think your being a bit daft and unfair really.

If you notice you've gotten the last three drinks in or whatever, why not just say 'Bob, get the drinks in there.'
Its entirely possible he has no problem getting the drinks or the taxi but you always do, and he just figured you one of these people who thinks its nice to be nice and enjoys being generous, so isn't gonna go through the whole 'no no I'll get it, no put your money away Mary' pantomime just to make sure if the relationship ever gets audited by the love gestapo the books will balance.

silvervixen84 · 23-04-2014 3:58pm

Perhaps for nights out you could each put some money in a kitty that will pay for everything (drinks, food, cabs), and then at the end of the night split what's left between you. No need to worry about rounds, you paying extra for taxis etc.

Also, like a few other posters have said, I think you're spending too much on his presents, then expecting similar in return. He might not believe in spending loads on presents and isn't going to tell you to spend less on him if you have set a precedent.

Finally, get him to cough up for the insurance. You don't want to be resenting him over something like that. If he uses the car and owes you the money, just ask him to pay up.

LegacyUser · 23-04-2014 4:36pm

strobe wrote: »

Stewing away every time you buy a drink or a taxi fare or whatever until the scales have been balanced sounds unbelievably stingy to me...
Do you not just do these thing cause they're nice things to do?

Unless your bf is leaning on you to do these things (and from what you've said it doesn't sound like that's the case, but rather you volunteer to freely and regularly) I think your being a bit daft and unfair really.
.

Hang on, I'm not watching every drink and taxi fair to make sure the scales are balanced! We are together for three years and it has become apparent that I am more out of pocket than him for things we both enjoy equally.I don't think I am being 'daft and unfair' in expecting that he return the favor every once in a while? Yes, I do these things because it is the nice thing to do but after three years and your always the one doing 'the nice thing' it does get a bit annoying and I am starting to feel like I'm being taken for a ride. In saying that he probably doesn't even realize how much of an issue it has become which is my fault I know because I continue to do it and I haven't said anything.... which is why I started this thread to get peoples opinions on how to deal with it going forward, realizing that I have been enabling the behaviour.

@silvervixen84 - we do that when we go away actually and it works quite well, maybe I could suggest to him we do it on our nights out it would make things a lot easier, thanks.

Yeah I'm starting to see the trend in people thinking I'm spending too much on his presents, I do enjoy the buzz of getting him a great present that I know he would love, and it isn't really a huge issue that he doesn't spend the same... it was more so the fact that he was broke but then suddenly had all this cash to spend on getting drunk whereas I always make sacrifices to give him nice presents, I know that is my choice but I suppose it bums be out to see that he chooses to please himself rather than to make me happy. The fact he didn't get me a card and forgot it was my birthday the morning after was also a contributing factor to me being annoyed about him not making the effort for my birthday. It wasn't only about the money... it's the principal of it.

Tiddlypeeps · 23-04-2014 4:54pm

Heat_Wave wrote: »

It is your choice to make sacrifices to pay for a lavish birthday gift for him. He is not asking you to do that. He is not obliged to make sacrifices for you.

You must have missed the bit where she said he asked for that specific gift for his birthday. It was still her choice to pay for it, but that does not change the fact that he asked her to pay it likely knowing the sacrifices that would go along with paying for it.

OP I really wouldn't put off bringing this up with him. This will only get worse as your lives get more intertwined. Once you start living together especially. You will be noticing every time you spend more on groceries and things for the house, every time he doesn't put up the full amount for bills etc etc etc. That will be 10x worse again if you decide to have kids. It's not that his behavior will get worse, it's that there will simply be more occasions where his behavior can present itself.

It's very possible that this could all be fixed with a simple conversation, so why would you not. It's quite possible that he is just oblivious of his behavior and how it makes you feel and that once he is made aware of it then it may go away completely. Why would you not try, you literally have nothing to lose other than making yourself feel a little uncomfortable for the duration of the conversation.

I definitely wouldn't leave it till the next time a gift is to be purchased to mention the gift situation to him either. It will sour whatever gift is to be purchased at that time, weather its from you to him or him to you. At the very least he needs to be made aware that it is not ok to give you a gift that requires you to spend large amounts of money. Not doing this is probably just ignorance on his part so he wont' know until you tell him.

Pinkmoon19 · 23-04-2014 5:26pm

Hi OP,

I had a similar problem in my last relationship. It started off that I was in a better paid job and would have no problem paying for extra treats. Then it just became the norm and 4 years on I was working and he wasn't. Now it's over. If you feel in your gut that he is being tight, then he probably is. Instead of letting it take over sit down and talk. It's obviously bothering quite a bit judging by your post, and even the fact that you sat down and took the time out to write a post.

If he is the nice guy that you think he is he will be totally mortified that you feel like this and things will change immediately. Or he will be outraged and defensive, and then you should probably look at the relationship as a whole.

Best of luck x

tinkerbell · 23-04-2014 9:55pm

OP, your boyfriend is a stingy git. You say he's great and perfect in every other way but this is a HUGE issue, it's not some minor inconvenience - he's quite happy to sit back and not pull his weight. The birthday present is pretty bad form, he could've gotten you a nice piece of jewellery for €30 if he was "so broke" as it's the thought that counts. I think you're a bigger fool to be spending €200+ on him and then expecting a similar sized gift in return. If that's the case, then you both should agree not to buy each other presents - as it's essentially saying right you spend €200 so I'll spend €200. When it comes to birthday gifts, give what you want to give without the expectation of getting the same back.

The car insurance takes the biscuit. So you're paying 2/3rds and he's paying 1/3rd? You said you rarely even drive the car! If anything HE should be paying the full amount or maybe you pay 20% or something - he gets a discount for having you as a named driver on he car, you know! So you really shouldn't even be paying for it since you hardly ever drive it anyway.

You seriously need to talk to him and stop sticking your hand in your pocket the whole time. He's playing you for a fool because why would he bother spending his own dough when he knows you'll just cough up? Partners should be equal in a relationship, not one constantly giving and the other taking.

thegreatgonzo · 24-04-2014 1:40am

I hate stinginess as a personality trait but I'm not sure OP's boyfriend falls into this category.
Obviously bills like insurance etc should be paid 50/50 but the OP has to be more assertive about this. Some people if they are used to other people doing things for them are just thoughtless and maybe that's what's happening here.
About the presents, see I am from a family that doesn't give presents. They are very generous in other ways but they don't really understand the concept. I'm guessing that maybe OP your boyfriend is from a similar background and your grand gestures though pleasant, aren't that necessary to his happiness and he doesn't realise that you really want him to make a big fuss. I think you need to spell it out for him.

December2012 · 24-04-2014 7:47am

I wouldn't call him stingy just because he doesn't spend loads of money on presents (maybe he's saving and think you're being too extravagant)?

turnikett1 · 24-04-2014 8:58am

thegreatgonzo wrote: »

About the presents, see I am from a family that doesn't give presents. They are very generous in other ways but they don't really understand the concept. I'm guessing that maybe OP your boyfriend is from a similar background and your grand gestures though pleasant, aren't that necessary to his happiness and he doesn't realise that you really want him to make a big fuss. I think you need to spell it out for him.

Will second this too... I come from a fairly disadvantaged background, both my parents are long term unemployed and have been since I was a kid pretty much, with the occassional minimum wage job here and there. We never really buy Christmas presents and for birthdays a pair of clothes and maybe €20 would suffice, if even, often nothing. I was and still am totally ok with this. Presents just aren't something I do.

This is in stark contrast to my girlfriend whose family are rather well off and love Christmas and always buy each other glorious presents for birthdays and so on. She would buy me nice gifts and make a real effort for Christmas whereas I would buy her something small but nice and not really think much of it. I wasn't aware that presents were such a big deal to her.

She pointed it out to me and I realized I had been a bit thoughtless. Now we compromise, she buys less gifts as per usual, and I buy a bit more

I think most of the advice given in this thread is fairly solid OP. Your boyfriend sounds like a good guy, just unaware of the fact he's not pulling his own weight. Talk to him about it politely and reasonably and there's no reason why the 2 of you won't compromise.

wdmfapq4zs83hv · 24-04-2014 11:28am

OP your boyfriend is a scabby git! I couldn't be with someone like that. You need to get it sorted now if you want a future together. A couple I know have been together 10 years plus & its pathetic to watch them, "its your round" - "you owe me €5" etc. They literally are both so mean. They would never dream of even buying eachother a drink without wanting one back. You don't want to end up like that!

m'lady · 24-04-2014 12:31pm

I think the Birthday present situation comes secondary in the grand scheme of things, although I do think it was stingy that the boyfriend returned the OPS gift in exchange for a present for both her and his mother!

I really think you need to sit him down and discuss this OP as it will really start to grate and your nerves, I think situations like this actually turn generous, thoughtful people into stingy and mean ones, and you don't want to become like that at all.

I agree that you are being a bit over generous, but I think you've realised that yourself.

Personally in regards to the car insurance I see no reason why you should be paying half, you said you rarely drive the car (that he got from a family member of yours?) but do have open drive so you can use family members, I'd have thought he should be contributing the most if not all the insurance. Who pays the tax and maintenance on it?

iusedtoknow · 24-04-2014 2:54pm

The two of you have different expectations when it comes to money, money that it sounds like you could do other things with. While it sucks living the student lifestyle as mature students, you have to suck it up. You need to get him to pay 50% of the insurance and you also need to stop spending that sort of money on gifts. Set a limit that both of you are comfortable with and stick to it. You're both on relatively fixed amounts of money a week/month so live that way.

runswithascript · 24-04-2014 3:56pm

moneymoneymoney666 wrote: »

dusf, I addressed you myself earlier aswell I think you may have missed it through all your nit picking.

I was not nitpicking, nobody should expect any extra to be covered by one person in the relationship, or to be wined and dined to the expense of one person whether that is your boyfriend or anyone posting hypocritical advice on this thread.

<mod note: youtube videos are not allowed in these forums>

There are names for people who receive financial gain for being in a relationship and those names are

gold digger

and

whore

.

moneymoneymoney666 wrote: »

Anyway, as I said earlier my boyfriend is most certainly not a scumbag, your response was actually a serious exaggeration and he is definitely not a thief.

There is no exaggeration, your description of your boyfriend's cheapskate manipulative attitude is that of a scumbag. Surely you would see that if he was someone else's boyfriend.

Also, this:

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, your boyfriend is a stingy git.

And this:

Zaria Harsh Lifeguard wrote: »

OP your boyfriend is a scabby git!

You have received plenty of advice about this now, have you spoken to him yet, and are you going to tell him about the thread?

retro:electro · 24-04-2014 3:56pm

How is dusf getting away with calling people scumbags hypocrites money grabbers and whores? Seriously mods, he's at this since yesterday. Surely the ethos here is attack the post not the poster.

runswithascript · 24-04-2014 3:59pm

anna080 wrote: »

How is dusf getting away with calling people scumbags hypocrites money grabbers and whores? Seriously mods, he's at this since yesterday. Surely the ethos here is attack the post not the poster.

I am not attacking the poster, I am giving my opinion on the original poster's boyfriend, can you not read.

Scumbag, hypocrite, money grabber, and whore are not words banned on this forum, if they were they would be starred (****) out in posts.

Also, the mods have already warned you about digging at other posters, it is not in the spirit of boards.ie so please refrain from doing so and stay on topic.

Tiddlypeeps · 24-04-2014 4:02pm

dusf wrote: »

I was not nitpicking, nobody should expect any extra to be covered by one person in the relationship, or to be wined and dined to the expense of one person whether that is your boyfriend or anyone posting hypocritical advice on this thread.

There is a word for someone who receives payment for being in a relationship and that word is whore.

There is no exaggeration, your description of your boyfriend's cheapskate manipulative attitude is that of a scumbag. Surely you would see that if he was someone else's boyfriend.

Also, this:

And this:

You have received plenty of advice about this now, have you spoken to him yet, and are you going to tell him about the thread?

Your assessment of the situation is waaaay over the top. Suggesting her boyfriend would steal from her given the chance is wild speculation based on nothing.

Calling her boyfriend a whore and a scumbag is both unnecessary and very unlikely to make anybody listen to your advice.

Getting hostile when your advice is ignored is also unlikely to make anybody listen to you.

It's clear you have been hurt by somebody before but you would do well not to project that on to other peoples relationships as no two are the same.

runswithascript · 24-04-2014 4:07pm

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

Your assessment of the situation is waaaay over the top. Suggesting her boyfriend would steal from her given the chance is wild speculation based on nothing.

I asked if she would be comfortable sharing an account with him. Anyone in the right frame of mind can see he is a bad candidate for sharing financial responsibility.

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

Calling her boyfriend a whore and a scumbag is both unnecessary and very unlikely to make anybody listen to your advice.

I called her boyfriend a scumbag because that is how he is being portrayed, it vexes me there are people who think he is some upstanding partner - he is clearly not.

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

Getting hostile when your advice is ignored is also unlikely to make anybody listen to you.

If you perceive my comments as hostile you are reading them wrong, I am merely giving my honest opinion.

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

It's clear you have been hurt by somebody before but you would do well not to project that on to other peoples relationships as no two are the same.

You could do with less projection yourself. That is as clear as mud, maybe watch less Dr. Phil.

Tokyo · 24-04-2014 4:08pm

dusf - yellow card for ignoring three mod instructions thus far. Don't post in this thread again and read the forum charter before posting anywhere else in PI/RI.

[edit]and now a red card, as you clearly PM'd me arguing your yellow card before entering into another tit-for-tat.

anna080, as a regular poster here you know full well where the report post button is, and that that backseat moderation is against forum charter. Considering the umpteen requests from mods to keep it on topic, yellow for you too.

any more bickering like this, red cards and bans will be the next step.

Regards,
Mike

Is my boyfriend mean? Or am I being unreasonable?

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