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Romantic Love Turned Platonic - how to change it back...

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  • 18-04-2014 11:11am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Just looking for some advice / other people's experiences....

    My marriage is in trouble and we are considering separating because, although I still love him, it is completely platonic. We haven't been intimate (including kissing) for a good few months because I just can't. It's like kissing my brother. He is an amazing guy and I wish I could get back to how I felt before. I'm not looking for fireworks or butterflies, I just want to feel some sort of romantic connection/attraction to him. I know that friendship is important in a marriage but we are still young and neither of us can face another 30/40 years of just being friends.

    Is there any way to get that romantic connection back or is it the case that, once it has gone, it has gone forever? If there is no hope of getting it back then I need to let him go so he can find someone else. I'm terrified that I'm making a huge mistake and I'll never find anyone as good as him and I'll end up a crazy old lady with fifty cats but I love him too much to stay with him just because I'm scared to be on my own. He deserved so much more than what I can give him at the moment.


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    #2
    December2012
    Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    Do you have a sex drive at all? How are your hormone levels?

    Maybe, now maybe..... You could go speak with a GP if your libido is low.

    That would be a place to start.


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    #3
    R.D. aka MR.D
    Registered Users Posts: 2,643 ✭✭✭R.D. aka MR.D


    i agree 100% with the other poster. Get medical advice before you do anything drastic.


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    December2012 wrote: »
    Do you have a sex drive at all? How are your hormone levels?

    Maybe, now maybe..... You could go speak with a GP if your libido is low.

    That would be a place to start.

    I'm fairly sure it's not anything like that. Without being too graphic, yes I still have a sex drive and I'm definitely attracted to other guys and, if I wasn't still married, would take things further.


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    #5
    December2012
    Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    Have you or he changed personality? Is there something that happened which now turns you off him?


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    #6
    ElleEm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,981 ✭✭✭ElleEm


    December2012 wrote: »
    Have you or he changed personality? Is there something that happened which now turns you off him?

    I would wonder the same. What happened to make you not kiss him the first time when this "good few months" happened? Have you discussed this with him? Has he been making the effort to be intimate with you? Sometimes, when there has been a lull for a while, it can be easier to stay in it rather than have a chat about it, and make an effort to move forward. Do you go on dates or do things together outside the home? Ask yourself what made you fall in love with him, what you find sexy, the thing he does best in the bedroom, etc.? What has changed here?


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    #7
    Robson Lobson
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 75 ✭✭Robson Lobson


    OP try sleeping in different bedrooms and be in each other's company so often. There's a theory that when a man and woman are in contact too much a type of mechanism kicks in to turn off sexual attraction so that siblings don't procreate.


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    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    ElleEm wrote: »
    I would wonder the same. What happened to make you not kiss him the first time when this "good few months" happened? Have you discussed this with him? Has he been making the effort to be intimate with you? Sometimes, when there has been a lull for a while, it can be easier to stay in it rather than have a chat about it, and make an effort to move forward. Do you go on dates or do things together outside the home? Ask yourself what made you fall in love with him, what you find sexy, the thing he does best in the bedroom, etc.? What has changed here?

    I've changed a lot - we are together over 10 years. Intimacy was the first to go - we wouldn't hold hands or kiss etc. Sex became more functional and less emotional until it got to the point that I didn't enjoy it at all and just did it because I felt I had to. Now we don't have sex or kiss or anything as I don't like to be intimate with him. He is making a huge effort now to hug me etc but it just feels so weird and awkward.


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    #9
    December2012
    Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    You might be feeling a bit awkward because you're out of the habit then?

    Would you go and see a relationship counsellor?


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    #10
    Roselm
    Registered Users Posts: 753 ✭✭✭Roselm


    marriage sos wrote: »
    I've changed a lot - we are together over 10 years. Intimacy was the first to go - we wouldn't hold hands or kiss etc. Sex became more functional and less emotional until it got to the point that I didn't enjoy it at all and just did it because I felt I had to. Now we don't have sex or kiss or anything as I don't like to be intimate with him. He is making a huge effort now to hug me etc but it just feels so weird and awkward.

    Maybe this could be a place to start then? Go for a walk together and hold hands/even just link arms. Decide what baby steps you can take back towards intimacy and try one at a time with the easiest first?


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    #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I read your post and the answers dont seem to relate to you. So I said I would answer. Im recently out of a marriage for the very same reason. The intimacy was gone for years. My true gut feeling kept coming back to.... it's over for me. While I still care deeply....the love was gone. I know no way of getting it back.
    What you need to know is that this is a hard road. If id known how difficult. .. would things have been different.... I dont know, maybe not.
    The fall out is hard to deal with. Family and friends get involved and their opinions hurt especially when there is nothing bad to say about your partner. The children survive but watching them not understand is awful. Go down all avenues but in the end be true to yourself and you then can both eventually be happy. You only have one life...its yours and live it with as few regrets as possible.


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    cassie1970 wrote: »
    I read your post and the answers dont seem to relate to you. So I said I would answer. Im recently out of a marriage for the very same reason. The intimacy was gone for years. My true gut feeling kept coming back to.... it's over for me. While I still care deeply....the love was gone. I know no way of getting it back.
    What you need to know is that this is a hard road. If id known how difficult. .. would things have been different.... I dont know, maybe not.
    The fall out is hard to deal with. Family and friends get involved and their opinions hurt especially when there is nothing bad to say about your partner. The children survive but watching them not understand is awful. Go down all avenues but in the end be true to yourself and you then can both eventually be happy. You only have one life...its yours and live it with as few regrets as possible.

    Thanks for the post. That's exactly how I feel. Like he is a brother that I care deeply for. If he is totally out of my life I know that I will miss him so much but only like I would miss a friend or brother. I think that I've already grieved for the relationship and I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to lose all our friends over this as I'm sure they will stick by him. I wouldn't begrudge him that. I've nothing bad to say about him. I would love to set him up with someone and see him happy - I think that says it all. I just don't want any regrets. If there is any way that this can be fixed, I'll give it a try.


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    #13
    tomatoes are amazing
    Registered Users Posts: 1 ✭tomatoes are amazing


    I'm in a similar boat to you. Married for less than 2 years to my childhood sweetheart who I am with for 10 plus years. Love him so so much but it's like you said- brotherly love or love for a best friend. I havn't wanted to have sex with him for years but I still do even though I hate it. I thought we were meant to be together so I brushed it under the carpet. I had sorting out our house to keep me busy for a few years and then organising the wedding and now I have nothing to take my mind off it. I feel trapped. I met an amazing guy last summer who i've been having an affair with since. I thought I could leave it at just sex or that sooner or later he would get sick of me but we clicked so well and just fell in love. He wants me to move in with him. My husband or family don't know about him but they do know that i'm not happy in this marriage. My family want me to stay because they are terrified about what the future holds for me and going would mean a move away from home and a situation where I can visit them most days. My parents solution for me was to have a baby-ridiculous. I'm nearly 30 and I feel like I've got a 2nd chance at happiness waiting for me with this other guy but i dont know if i have the courage to take it becasue i know how hard that road will be for a while, but then if i don't, i'll always wonder what if?? I don't know if i am strong enough. And i know that leaving my husband will be like a bereavement. Mostly i think the easier option is just to stay. I have always put others before myself and i hate the thought of causing pain and anguish to my husband and my family. D-day is a matter of days away. I'm terrified. I'm so scared of making the wrong decision and regretting it for the rest of my life. Does this happen to everyone eventually? Does everyone stop fancying their partner and stop wanting to have sex with them eventually? Will this happen to me again if i leave? Sorry for hijacking your post, i guess on a positive note at least your not having an affair.


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    #14
    singledad80
    Closed Accounts Posts: 142 ✭✭singledad80


    No its never to late to rekindle the spark you just have to find each other again spice it up, do stuff that's different it takes two, take a long weekend away with each other be a bit naughty dinner, tie them up candle bath you can do it, once my wife wore no nickers when we went for a drive she wouldn't let me near her but when we got home we made love under the stars, so if you still have feelings show him why you fell in love


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    #15
    Merkin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    Have you considered psychosexual counselling OP?


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