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When to get engaged

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  • 17-12-2014 11:22pm
    #1
    MissB1990
    Registered Users Posts: 1 ✭


    Hi guys. I'm just wondering how long should a girl wait to get engaged. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 and a half years now and we've lived together for over 2 years. I've mentioned getting engaged on several occassions because a lot of our friends are either engaged or married now. All of my friends have been with their partners for 3 years or less and their partners have already proposed. Anytime I talk about it he laughs it off and jokingly tells me not to be discussing it right now. I don't know what that means and if he's ever going to pop the question. How much longer should I wait for a proposal because I don't want kids unless I'm at least engaged nor do I want to waste anymore time with someone who doesn't want to spend their life with me. I feel like my life is being put on hold. What should I do?


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    #2
    r3nu4l
    Registered Users Posts: 17,399 ✭✭✭✭r3nu4l


    Sorry for being blunt but how about a proper conversation between two adults in a serious relationship?

    If he tries to laugh it off then just be honest with him and tell him it concerns you. Ask him what he thinks about marriage. Talk.


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    #3
    Sunny Dayz
    Registered Users Posts: 5,308 ✭✭✭Sunny Dayz


    You don't need to be married or engaged to have a child. Why does your partner not want to get engaged?


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    #4
    January
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,865 ✭✭✭✭January


    r3nu4l wrote: »
    Sorry for being blunt but how about a proper conversation between two adults in a serious relationship?

    If he tries to laugh it off then just be honest with him and tell him it concerns you. Ask him what he thinks about marriage. Talk.

    This.

    Sit him down and ask him when he thinks he'll be ready to marry you. If he has concerns ask him what they are. Be an adult. Talk.


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    #5
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    As r3nu4l, talk to him!

    It also depends on your ages too. If you've been together for 7 years, but are only 23 now, that's very different to you being 35, for example.


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    #6
    DoYouEvenLift
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,188 ✭✭✭DoYouEvenLift


    Not sure what your friends relationship statuses have to do with you and your boyfriends relationship, it's not very relevant, is it? You're two individuals, nothing you do should be influenced by the choices of others who aren't in the relationship.


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    #7
    December2012
    Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    Imagine that all your friends were single.

    Do you still want to get engaged? And do you want to get engaged to your current boyfriend?

    If you want to have a serious talk about your relationship, then you must be only talking about your relationship, i.e. not after a night out with Couple A, Couple B and Couple C.

    Not when the football is about to start.

    Not when one or both of you are hungover or tired or about to go to bed.

    Not on a romantic occasion.

    I think the best time is to pick a time when you are both in the house, both are free, and both are fed, refreshed and calm.

    And you can simply say: "X I feel it is important that we have a quick chat tonight about our future. Can we sit down in an hour?"

    This is a good way to start because
    a) You are not springing anything on him - that's why you can suggest in one hour's time (its not too much in advance, and its not immediate either, so it gives him time to at least be prepared for having a chat)
    b) By starting with "I feel" you cannot be wrong - there is nothing wrong with one person having a feeling that something is important, even if the other person does not believe that the same thing is important.
    c) If he says no, or tries to brush you off, you can still stay calm and ask when he would like to have a chat about your future. This means there is no getting away from having the chat.
    d) If he keeps refusing to talk to you about it, then you have a very glaring sign that he does not want to have any conversation about your or his future. It may mean that he will not think about his own future, or that he simply does not see you in it. At least you'll know.


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    #8
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    MissB1990 wrote: »
    How much longer should I wait for a proposal because I don't want kids unless I'm at least engaged nor do I want to waste anymore time with someone who doesn't want to spend their life with me. I feel like my life is being put on hold. What should I do?

    What century am I living in?

    If you want to marry this guy and have a family with him, then open your mouth and ask him about it. We're not flouncing about in our petticoats waiting to be woo-ed here. Be a grown-up.

    I spoke to my boyfriend (now husband) about future plans. If you're worried he's going to run screaming because he doesn't love you and is actually only hanging around for the sex, then he's not the fella for you anyway, best to find out.


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    #9
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    OP you get engaged when its the right time for you, not before and certainly not because all your friends are doing it. What do you want really, a wedding or a marriage? A relationship can't be judged on how long it takes you to get engaged. You can always ask him too.


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    #10
    Milly33
    Registered Users Posts: 8,638 ✭✭✭Milly33


    Yep as many have said there is no time it just happens.. If you really wanted to you could always propose to him..never thought I would see the day I was engaged and it was all out of the blue and twas just the best thing... you cant put times on these things


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    #11
    Straylight
    Registered Users Posts: 337 ✭✭Straylight


    I knew a couple who were together 10 years, and for much of that time the woman was waiting for her boyfriend to pop the question. Eventually he told her that he wanted to discuss their future and she thought that this must finally be it, he's going to propose. What he actually did was tell her that he was quitting his job to go back to college. They eventually split up less than a year later, when a simple conversation years earlier would have let everyone know where they stood and she could have decided to maintain the status quo or break up and get on with her life. You need to do what that couple failed to do and communicate properly, it's the only way you'll know for sure what the future holds for you both.


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    #12
    Novella
    Registered Users Posts: 13,713 ✭✭✭✭Novella


    I got engaged to my husband when we had been together for a year and a half and married after two. We'd been living together for a few months by then and were both 25. None of my friends were (or are) married or even engaged but their relationship statuses didn't (or don't) affect mine. I moved about 5,000 miles to be with my husband so we were already pretty committed in that sense. Getting married made sense for us.

    Don't worry about what other people are doing or let it pressure you. Sit down with your boyfriend and talk to him. I know you might feel a little awkward or nervous but remember, it is your future too so there is absolutely nothing wrong with discussing it. Explain to him why you want to get married and what it means to you. Find out how he feels and go from there.


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    #13
    Milly33
    Registered Users Posts: 8,638 ✭✭✭Milly33


    There was a loverly one on One Fab day today. I think the couple were going out for years She was 14 and fourteen years later he proposed out of the blue http://onefabday.com/eden-photography-ballymagarvey-wedding/


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    #14
    MouseTail
    Registered Users Posts: 1,663 ✭✭✭MouseTail


    I don't think it is good that he dismisses you when you bring this up. After 7 years, you have a right to know if he intends on getting married to you.


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    #15
    Peregrinus
    Registered Users Posts: 26,123 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    MissB1990 wrote: »
    Hi guys. I'm just wondering how long should a girl wait to get engaged. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 and a half years now and we've lived together for over 2 years. I've mentioned getting engaged on several occassions because a lot of our friends are either engaged or married now. All of my friends have been with their partners for 3 years or less and their partners have already proposed. Anytime I talk about it he laughs it off and jokingly tells me not to be discussing it right now. I don't know what that means . . .
    Yes, you do. Or, at least, you have a sneaking suspicion about what it might mean, and you're torn between your desire to find out whether it means that or not, and your fear of finding out that, yes, it does mean that.
    MissB1990 wrote: »
    . . . and if he's ever going to pop the question. How much longer should I wait for a proposal because I don't want kids unless I'm at least engaged nor do I want to waste anymore time with someone who doesn't want to spend their life with me. I feel like my life is being put on hold. What should I do?
    You need to make it clear to your boyfriend that he can't keep brushing off your attempts to have an honest conversation about this and that, if he persists in avoiding this conversation, that's a serious reconsider-the-relationship signal for you.


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    #16
    traprunner
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,887 ✭✭✭traprunner


    Its 2014...why don't you propose to him if it's what you want?


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    #17
    Peregrinus
    Registered Users Posts: 26,123 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    traprunner wrote: »
    Its 2014...why don't you propose to him if it's what you want?
    She has done:
    MissB1990 wrote: »
    . . . I've been with my boyfriend for 7 and a half years now and we've lived together for over 2 years. I've mentioned getting engaged on several occassions . . .
    In my book, if you talk to somebody about getting engaged to marry, that's proposing marriage to them.


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    #18
    traprunner
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,887 ✭✭✭traprunner


    Peregrinus wrote: »
    She has done:


    In my book, if you talk to somebody about getting engaged to marry, that's proposing marriage to them.


    Some guys are a bit dumb about chats like that and hints. "Will you marry me?" would be 1000 times more effective.


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    #19
    potato girl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16 ✭potato girl


    Every1 is different I think its more about age if U in 30s U would b hoping to get married nobody wants to b 40 year old bride if U in ure 20s I wouldn't mind waiting but not anymore than 10 years of going out or living together


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    #20
    cactusgal
    Registered Users Posts: 830 ✭✭✭cactusgal


    potato girl wrote: »
    Every1 is different I think its more about age if U in 30s U would b hoping to get married nobody wants to b 40 year old bride if U in ure 20s I wouldn't mind waiting but not anymore than 10 years of going out or living together

    Wow. Very intelligent response here. Ahem.

    Op, it's your life. Don't be reactive, ie, don't just wait for something (from him) to happen so that you can then react to it. Take responsibility for your own future. Have a chat with him, tell him how you feel, tell him what you want, and confirm that he wants the same things. If he does, great! Get a move on, you've been together a long time and life is short. If he doesn't, great - you've got your answer. Get a move on and find your future for yourself, or for the right guy who does want to marry you.

    Best of luck with whatever you do, you choose your path and do what's best for you, in the timeframe that you want.


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    #21
    mazdaminx
    Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭mazdaminx


    Like others have said it would be nice to know where your life is going. Often the man has an idea of when to get engaged, married, have children and women and the woman has no clue when all this will happen. I can understand a guy not wanting to feel pressurised - marriage readiness so important! I wouldn't want me or the guy getting engaged/married/having children without us both being ready. A general time frame would be nice to have though. One thing for sure tho I would not compare myself to what others are doing.


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    #22
    potato girl
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16 ✭potato girl


    It has to both partners wanting to get married U can't force any1 into the major life decision


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    #23
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,905 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    potato girl please don't use txt spk, it makes your posts very difficult to read.


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