Gay guy seeking advice

Aard · 27-09-2014 8:20pm

Perhaps the camp/straightacting debate should be split; it's very interesting. I guess it comes down to one group considering themselves more authentic, while maintaining that the other is more affected. And viceversa.

The other element of the argument -- of what constitutes "straight" behaviour these days being so different from even the not-too-distant past -- really emphasises how outdated the term straightacting is, if taken literally. But at the same time, location/context is important to control for. What's considered normal "straight" behaviour in places like Dublin mightn't wash everywhere else.

Ash885 · 27-09-2014 9:01pm

bodice ripper wrote: »

Not always. I was trying to make a point about how it seems to be fine to blast people for calling themselves "straight acting", but you can't say camp isn't your thing. What happened to the right to self identify?

No one ever says though, which was my point earlier, to use straight acting as a negative. When people use straight acting to define themselves it tries to reaffirm the archaic belief that there is something wrong with being gay/acting gay (whatever that is....), i.e. "Oh I might be gay BUT I don't do anything those normal gays do, I'm straight acting." Self identity does not mean putting down someone, and that's just my two cents on it.

So it's the same for the OP; you can't give out about a sect in the gay community and wonder why you're not being embraced by the other. Because typically people nowadays shouldn't (and more often don't) see gay people as camp gays, straight acting gays or whatever; they usually just see them as people who happen to be gay >_>

strong silent type · 27-09-2014 9:36pm

J_E wrote: »

If someone has that much issue with someone because of their 'campness' it nearly always points to an insecurity about being associated with them. Many of us have had that hangup but then looked to ourselves, developed as a person, and have little issue with it now.

I don't have a issue with them being camp, and would have no insecurities being associated with somebody, whether they be gay or straight.

It is more that their interests/hobbies/activities don't match mine and it's difficult for me to find some common ground. Obviously if you have common interests your more likely to gravitate towards them, and therefore are more likely to make friends.

strong silent type · 27-09-2014 9:40pm

Ash885 wrote: »

So it's the same for the OP; you can't give out about a sect in the gay community and wonder why you're not being embraced by the other. Because typically people nowadays shouldn't (and more often don't) see gay people as camp gays, straight acting gays or whatever; they usually just see them as people who happen to be gay >_>

Please don't think I'm "giving out about a sect in the gay community" based on my perception of them being unlike me.

I was just stating that their interests don't match mine.

Ash885 · 27-09-2014 10:00pm

^Ah sorry, yeah I've re-read your post! My phrasing was off, what I meant was you can't group people whose interests don't match yours as camp and wait for more "straight" interests.

qweerty · 27-09-2014 10:35pm

Lol, this got super heated since I left (I was on a really cool walk, if you're interested, that took in DIT's new campus, large tracts of Phoenix Park, and the War Memorial Gardens - would highly recommend it to anyone).

I am not camp (to my mind, a guy can be effeminate and not camp, but not th other way around, and I see it as meaning friendly and outgoing in that gay sorta way, IYKWIM), but I really wish I were. I wonder am I not cause of supression in childhood. Anyway, if I'm not camp, at least there's the possibility of dating someone who is. I don't discount that my personality and/or appearance is the cause (:p), but I seem to be far more attractive to gays who are less camp (*in place of "more straight-acting"!). Would that were not the case.

It's surely not inconceivable that QSOC would be disproportionately populated by a certain type of gay: the debating soc attracts intellectual types, for instance.

I use "camp" without any negative conatations.

Annasopra · 28-09-2014 10:02pm

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

Do you have any hobbies or interests? Sports? Music? Politics? Volunteering? Reading? Films? Anything at all?

This post might have been lost. If you could give us an idea of your interests then we might be able to help more.

LegacyUser · 30-09-2014 7:01pm

rozeboosje wrote: »

I would suggest two things:

1) Just open yourself up to friendships from anybody who you feel some kind of "connection" with. Women, men, gay, straight, whatever else. Unless you're looking at a person as a potential life partner, their sex or sexuality shouldn't matter...

2) Don't act. It doesn't matter whether it's "camp" or "straight", if you're "acting" it, it's not going to work. Be yourself.

So easily said, though. I accept that.

This is the only relevant reply in the whole thread. It truly is a numbers game - in order to make new friends, you must start interacting with more people - be it work socials, clubs/societies, gym/exercise classes, whatever. By increasing the number of people you interact with, you will find people that you gel with. And that can lead to meeting new friends.

To make a point about the other argument going on in here - I am sick and tired of people becoming defensive and going into victim-mode whenever a gay guy says he doesn't like 'the scene' or camp guys or whatever. THERE IS NOT ONE CATCH-ALL PERSONALITY FOR EVERY GAY PERSON. For a group of people that champion diversity, you sure don't like diversity within the gay community.

The amount of posts telling the OP that 'he hasn't allowed himself to get to know people' or 'you need to accept gay culture and not be negative about it' is ridiculous. Just because you're not into camp guys, or you don't like gay clubs with music you dislike, or you don't personally identify with aspects of gay culture... it does not make you a self-loathing, homosexual-renouncing gay guy. To draw assumptions about people and berate because they don't all like exactly the same things... it's laughable really. Would you tell someone they were ashamed of being Irish because they don't like drinking alcohol? Would you be angry at a woman because she doesn't like wearing dresses?

Gay people are not all alike. Different gay people like different things. Straight-acting is probably a badly worded phrase, but it's commonly used to convey to people that they aren't really into 'gay culture' and are more likely to watch/play sport, do outdoors stuff, tech, be into their cars and DIY and going to the pub for a few drinks - regular guy stuff not tied to gay culture. On Reddit, they coined the 'gaybro' term as a more palatable replacement word. And yes, these things are more masculine-oriented, and people get butthurt about making masculine/straight connotations. But that misses the point. You need some sort of way to distinguish this subgroup of gay guys with different interests - straight-acting just happened to be that descriptor word.

The OP in question clearly identifies more with 'straight-acting' traditional male pursuits than he does with aspects of gay culture. So telling him to suck-it-up and try it out is counter-productive. If someone doesn't like certain things, you shouldn't force them into liking it. And you certainly shouldn't make them feel ashamed because they have differing interests.

strong silent type · 30-09-2014 8:57pm

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

This post might have been lost. If you could give us an idea of your interests then we might be able to help more.

The problem is that I don't have alot of interests other than TV/Movies/Cinema, and I don't have an out-going personality that lends itself to joining a new group. But some people suggested the gay cinema club so I'll give that a shot and see how I get on. Thanks for the help guys.

Ash885 · 30-09-2014 9:42pm

strong silent type wrote: »

The problem is that I don't have alot of interests other than TV/Movies/Cinema, and I don't have an out-going personality that lends itself to joining a new group. But some people suggested the gay cinema club so I'll give that a shot and see how I get on. Thanks for the help guys.

Maybe use this time to take up somthing new as well? I know easier said then done but I'm hankering after this myself. If you're in the Dublin area I think there's some running groups which could be great.

floggg · 01-10-2014 8:30am

strong silent type wrote: »

The problem is that I don't have alot of interests other than TV/Movies/Cinema, and I don't have an out-going personality that lends itself to joining a new group. But some people suggested the gay cinema club so I'll give that a shot and see how I get on. Thanks for the help guys.

Again, not to be blunt, but unless you are willing to go out side your comfort zone, you're unlikely to see any difference in terms of results.

The film group is a must for you, but also consider other outlets. Join in on the meet-ups here, and consider wet n wild. Its a general outdoor activity group.

I know it's not easy - when I came out I had to force myself out there to meet people too. It can be tough, but it's also very rewarding.

Daith · 01-10-2014 8:36am

strong silent type wrote: »

The problem is that I don't have alot of interests other than TV/Movies/Cinema, and I don't have an out-going personality that lends itself to joining a new group. But some people suggested the gay cinema club so I'll give that a shot and see how I get on. Thanks for the help guys.

Ash885 wrote: »

Maybe use this time to take up somthing new as well? I know easier said then done but I'm hankering after this myself. If you're in the Dublin area I think there's some running groups which could be great.

Agree with Ash885 here.

I was in the exact same situation last year. Never considered myself sporty at all. I joined the Dublin FrontRunners who were doing a beginners program. From someone who couldn't run for a bus to doing about 10k now it's a big thing.

I would have considered myself like you. Quiet, non-sporty prefer a quiet pub. I guess my point is you need to come out of your comfort zone as other people have said.

I like the idea of the film club too but tbh you're not going to make friends watching a film but when they discuss it after and that could be place you might not like.

Running might not be for you but sure give it a shot? Acting? Political Groups? Volunteer groups? Football? Wet and Wild sports stuff? Hiking?

You're young and in Dublin. Take a chance. If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out but at least you will know instead of wondering.

Gay guy seeking advice

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