funniest quote you've ever heard?

Dark Artist · 02-09-2008 3:55am

Kyle: "Be careful, Mole!"
Mole: "Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes-hanger while I was still in the womb?"

shoelaceface · 02-09-2008 9:06am

beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

shoelaceface · 02-09-2008 9:12am

As much use as a one legged man at an arse kicking competition

She's angrier than a Bear with a sore head

She's dressed up like a Dogs dinner

About as useful as a Condom vending machine in the Vatican.

He's that useless he couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery

She's been up and down more times than a who,re's drawers

She's been engaged more times than a telephone switchboard!

He's tighter than a photo finish.

Last time I saw a face like that it was hanging at the Hunter's Lodge.

As much use as a trap door on a lifeboat

It's colder than a penguin's bollocks

She's got a face like a picture - it needs hanging

He's as camp as a row of tents

I've seen better teeth on a worn out gear box

They call her 'The radio station' cuz she's so easy to pick up

As useful as a grave robber in a crematorium

You could park a bike on that bum

He's as red as an overdrawn account at the local blood bank

He's got a face as long as an undertakers tapemeasure

Whiter than a pair of Snow White's knickers

About as innocent as a Nun doing pressups in a Cucumber field.

They've got a picture of her at the hospital - it saves using the stomach pump

Surrender · 02-09-2008 9:17am

She has a face that would stop flies mid-air.

shoelaceface · 02-09-2008 9:18am

she's as mad as a bag of spiders

(just think what a bag of spiders would be like.... NOW LAUGH) :mad:

CreepingDeath · 02-09-2008 9:23am

She'd be an angel if she didn't sin so much.

DundalkDuffman · 02-09-2008 9:28am

shoelaceface wrote: »

He's as camp as a row of tents

Or for added effect, as camp as a row of pink tents.

shoelaceface · 02-09-2008 9:30am

DundalkDuffman wrote: »

Or for added effect, as camp as a row of pink tents.

i fricken like it

CreepingDeath · 02-09-2008 9:42am

Al Murray : To guys who have been going out with the same woman for many years but no sign of an engagement.

"Pass the ball mate, don't keep dribbling forever".

dazberry · 02-09-2008 9:54am

"He'd fall to the ground as quick as any man with a kick to the b*ll*cks"

Waterford Dole Office circa 1992 about a huge guy (who was also a bouncer at a particular night club) that used to skip the queue from an 'ol lad that was barely 5 foot 4.

D.

Trojan911 · 02-09-2008 10:02am

"The river still flows, there's just no fish in it"

A quote from a buddy who got the snip.

CreepingDeath · 02-09-2008 10:12am

When in dire need of a toilet....

"The contractions are 1 minute apart and I'm half an inch dilated"

RiotO · 02-09-2008 11:51am

Never judge a man until you have walked for one mile in his shoes........................

.......At least then you're a mile away from him and you have his shoes.

not yet · 02-09-2008 11:56am

My personal favourite.......she had a face like a melted bucket or you'd think someone set her face on fire and put it out with a shovel.

fakearms123 · 02-09-2008 11:58am

"Eat my shorts" - Donald Duck 1982

Donald Duck and his crazy antics! what i never understood is why he wants someone to eat his shorts, i mean he doesnt wear shorts, how is someone suppose to digest cloth, but you have to admit apple crumble tastes lovely.... wait what was i talking about

The Bollox · 02-09-2008 12:00pm

one a friend came up with: "she has a face like someone tried to put out a forrest fire with a screwdriver". first time I heard that I was in tears laughing

Honey-ec · 02-09-2008 12:04pm

Spike Milligan's epitaph: Duirt me leat go raibh me breoite.

"I told you I was ill".

02-09-2008 12:04pm

I blame my mother for o poor sex life- all she told me was the man goes on top and the woman underneath. For three years my wife and i slept in bunkbeds

bottletops · 02-09-2008 12:17pm

If I'd a dog with a face like yours, I'd shave its a_s and make it walk backwards

Homer · 02-09-2008 12:21pm

She has a fanny like a stab wound in a gorillas back

She's had more hands up her than sooty

She's got a face on her like a dog licking piss off a nettle (Billy Connolly I presume)

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf club

She's got a face that would make an onion cry

Everyone has a right to be ugly but she abuses the privilege

She's seen more stiffs than Quincy

She's been cocked more times than elmer fudds shotgun

and2 · 02-09-2008 12:39pm

Zzippy wrote: »

Its all fun and games til someone misses a period...

Better late than pregnant!

shes hot, id eat chips out of her knickers and go back for the grease

C0SM0 · 02-09-2008 12:41pm

Hungry,
I'm so hungry i'd eat the bra of a breast of chicken.

Unlucky:
If i bet on ducks they would drown.

Bad aim- footy etc.
He wouldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat,
or
He wouldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel

Big breasted:
Jaysus she'd breastfeed an orphanage.

Facial.
I gave her a face like a painters radio.

Sex:
I rode her like a blackpool donkey

kryogen · 02-09-2008 1:22pm

i wouldnt get up on her to get over a wall

the tide wouldnt take her out

When you are in Love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams

Don't question GOD, as he may say, if you are so eager for answers, then please come up.

AnonoBoy · 02-09-2008 1:29pm

RoosterIllusion wrote: »

Myself and my friends get the most mileage from a line out of Norbit (Eddie Murphy movie).

This guy is opening up a strip club: "Nothing but cheap, watered down alcohol and fake ass, tig ol' bitties!

Hencforth can we have a ban for people quoting from **** Eddie Murphy movies please?

pasta-solo · 02-09-2008 1:45pm

I'm as hungry, I'd ate the hind leg off the lamb of God

Silenceisbliss · 02-09-2008 1:49pm

IM NOT RACISIT!!....racism is a crime....and crime is for black people.

hehe, interestingly enough, my friend form ...eh, niger, or nigeria, (somethin like that) told me that quote.

priceless

Dun laoire · 02-09-2008 1:51pm

You know that saying "A bit of hard work never harmed anybody"?Well on the back of my bosses van he had one of these stickers you can buy and it had that very saying except it went like this. "A bit of hard work never harmed anybody but i'm not taking any chances". Honestly, that saying suited him down to the ground.

suckslikeafox · 02-09-2008 1:58pm

About a girl with a bugs bunny style set of teeth: the only girl in *village name* who could eat an apple through a letterbox

02-09-2008 1:58pm

Those Churchill ones were class

.

Used on many occasions in town and always different when it's splurted out.

''Mate I wouldn't touch her with yours''

Also,

''Im not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings''

Dun laoire · 02-09-2008 2:00pm

suckslikeafox wrote: »

About a girl with a bugs bunny style set of teeth: the only girl in *village name* who could eat an apple through a letterbox

through a tennis racket is another one

TPD · 02-09-2008 2:31pm

You look like a bulldog chewin' a wasp

You make as much sense as a bag of water

gabgab · 02-09-2008 2:38pm

Friend with a ferocious hangover........
How you feeling man?

"I'v been trying to get this little ****ing monkey of my back all day but he's a wiry little bastard"

Steve_o · 02-09-2008 2:47pm

"She's about as sharp as a sock full of soup" - Can't remember

"I'd give her a poke if the Tele was broke" - A mate about several women

Des Hynes · 02-09-2008 2:56pm

Gordon Strachan

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]

sd123 · 02-09-2008 3:04pm

Quoted from a med student I know:

Just because you're dumb, doesn't mean you can't talk.

A quote from my da, when he came home pissed one night aged 15 years:

Grandmother: Gives out ****e as her son falls in the door, unable to stand, How the fcuk did you manage to get home in that state?

Dad: Jaysus ma, It wasn't easy!

sd123 · 02-09-2008 3:06pm

Steve_o wrote: »

""I'd give her a poke if the Tele was broke" - A mate about several women

.... I'd give her a banging if i had a nagan!

NoSummer · 02-09-2008 3:09pm

This is not so much a quote as a funny comment. We once saw this guy we knew from school climbing a wall with difficulty. He had protruding book teeth. Anyway my friend passed an offhand comment about minding his teeth. It was priceless.

dundealgan · 02-09-2008 3:15pm

A friend about an overly amorous colleague

'He'd get up on a gust of wind'

Classic

Mclovin · 02-09-2008 3:21pm

jaysus, he'd get up on a clipped hedge that lad!

i.e. any port in a storm

4zn76tysfajdxp · 02-09-2008 3:23pm

I remember once myself and a few other lads were talking about this guy in our class who everyone bullied recently had to enter drug rehab. Hence the following exchange occurred:

Lad #1: Man, that's such a shame about Gary, he really used to look up to me.

Lad #2: What are you talking about? I wouldn't look up to you if I was lying down!

True story!

themont85 · 02-09-2008 6:01pm

A classic said by a friends of mine. A guy from Blackrock College bragging about the number of schools cups they've won a few years back;
Rock boy:60!60!60!
My mate: Yea the number of points your going to get in your Leaving Cert mate.

From the movie Hancock(one of the only funny bits)
Fat lad; She should sue you!
Will Smith; Well you should sue McDonalds cos they f***ed you up

pseudonym1 · 02-09-2008 6:36pm

Tried this new machine in Gym was on it 4 an hour but started to feel sick - really good does everything.. mars bars kik kats snickers - the works!

Funny man on Ian dempsys Breakfast show

SmileyPaul · 02-09-2008 6:41pm

jaysus I'm sweatin like an obese man in a bakery
Im sweatin like a sex addict in a brothel

Oscholar · 02-09-2008 6:57pm

From the master that is/was George Carlin:

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization"

"People with low self-esteem have earned it"

and... "I wouldn't f*ck her with a stolen d*ck"

TPD · 02-09-2008 7:14pm

SmileyPaul wrote: »

jaysus I'm sweatin like an obese man in a bakery
Im sweatin like a sex addict in a brothel

Sweatin' like a Jew in Nazi Germany

LolaLuv · 02-09-2008 7:15pm

This happened on the news when I was living in Ohio. Absolutely hilarious:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOgtdNP83tM

The Master · 02-09-2008 7:27pm

She's seen more Japs eyes than an Asian optician.

Zzippy · 02-09-2008 7:39pm

SmileyPaul wrote: »

jaysus I'm sweatin like an obese man in a bakery
Im sweatin like a sex addict in a brothel

Sweatin' like a pedo in a Barney suit

Ginja Ninja · 02-09-2008 7:46pm

i think i've created a monster with this thread but anywho,

my own for the silage season(not this year obviously)

"i'm sweating like a priest in a playground "(can be replaced with "sick as"

she's sweatin' like a blind lesbian in a fish shop
oh and for football
"you couldn't score in a wh*re house with a fist full of fivers"

oh and churchill ones are genius as well as d period one which is as yet the best so far

bingobongo · 02-09-2008 7:56pm

Got few good sayins/quotes

she had a face on her that lookt like twas lit on fire and put out with a shovel.
Shed a face like a well chewd toffee
i wouldnt piss on er
i wouldnt get up on er to get ovr a wall
wudnt rid er into battle

mate a mine ust say....id crawl bare arse over a mile of broken glass to lick the exhaust that brought her dirty knickers to the laundry..

sweatin like a traveller doin maths

funniest quote you've ever heard?

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