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funniest quote you've ever heard?

1235»

Comments

  • #202
    Xavi6
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 40,902 ✭✭✭✭Xavi6


    SoWatchaWant wrote: »
    How'd you get that black eye?

    -Yer aul wan, man. She poked me in the eye with her cock.

    Best quote EVER! Farreller at his best.
    An Fhile wrote: »
    Morning after a very long night out in Dingle:

    "Jesus, you've a face on you like a pair of tits!"

    That's actually from Father Ted.

    Mary: "You've a face like a pair of tits!"

    John: "Yeah, well at least that's a pair between us!"

    Classic :D


  • #203
    LouOB
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,181 ✭✭✭LouOB


    Overheal wrote: »
    Johnny-5 to Unit-1 "Your Mother was a Snowblower!"

    ahhhh ffs
    get it right

    Hey laser lips
    yore mommas a snowblower

    or from the movies also -
    free you disease
    you rhionious pissel
    (spelling is terrible)


  • #204
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33,653 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    One from real life.

    David Blunkett, blind UK politian well known for his guide dog companion, was home secretary when he had a private meeting with (I think) one of the UK's main police chiefs. The contents of the meeting got leaked, they both denied doing it, with the cop coming out with:

    "There were three of us in that room: him, me and the dog. And it wasn't me"

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



  • #205
    Darrell Mushy Lumberyard
    Posts: 0 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Darrell Mushy Lumberyard


    The_Minister wrote: »
    [Pedant] Buddha wasn't a God [/Pedant]

    [Pedant2] Not to mention the "laughing buddha" was a monk, not Siddhartha Gautama who is depicted very slim...[/pedant2]


  • #206
    mbren
    Closed Accounts Posts: 129 ✭✭mbren


    Let me paint a picture for the funniest quote I have ever heard...

    I was at my mate Bobby's 21st birthday party. One of the other lads, Anthony, had just spent the summer in England and came out that night wearing a really expensive blazer that he obviously really adored.

    Next thing the champagne was opened and a guy called John spilled champs all over Anthony's blazer.

    Anthony's response was, and I quote "John, only for there's parents and children around, i'd use stronger words, you fcuking cnut!!!"...is there stronger words you could use there like?!!

    The whole place cracked up laughing...


  • #207
    ZygOte
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 559 ✭✭✭ZygOte


    mbren wrote: »
    Let me paint a picture for the funniest quote I have ever heard...

    I was at my mate Bobby's 21st birthday party. One of the other lads, Anthony, had just spent the summer in England and came out that night wearing a really expensive blazer that he obviously really adored.

    Next thing the champagne was opened and a guy called John spilled champs all over Anthony's blazer.

    Anthony's response was, and I quote "John, only for there's parents and children around, i'd use stronger words, you fcuking cnut!!!"...is there stronger words you could use there like?!!

    The whole place cracked up laughing...
    maybe you had to be there... :pac:


  • #208
    Dougalinho23
    Closed Accounts Posts: 94 ✭✭Dougalinho23


    This one is a classic!!!
    its My friend(17) coming home from a night out
    Friends mother(at the top of the stairs): Drunk again brian???!!!
    Friend(bottom of the stairs): Its ok mammy im drunk too!!!


  • #209
    Dougalinho23
    Closed Accounts Posts: 94 ✭✭Dougalinho23


    My friends meet the guards down a backstreet

    Garda: How ye lads, were the guards
    Friend: How ye guards, were the lads

    Love is blind, but the neighbours arent


  • #210
    mr-aido
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34 ✭mr-aido


    my mate thougt she was pregers and my lil bro boyfriend of my mate sai "cop on and stop bein pregnent" pissd me sefle laughin 4 10 minets



    "body like baywatch but a face like crime call"



    " would be gay but men are pricks"




    " how bout no you crazy dutch basterd"




    "i would be gay but i cant handle pain"


    "you got knocked the **** out"


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  • #211
    Ishmael
    Registered Users Posts: 1,460 ✭✭✭Ishmael


    http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055276856&page=3

    Post #35 by Pighead, one of the funniest things i've read in a long time.


  • #212
    daosulli
    Closed Accounts Posts: 217 ✭✭daosulli


    ''Ref im going to stick this umbrella up ur arse & then open it''


  • #213
    ike
    Registered Users Posts: 1,406 ✭✭✭ike


    If ya can't lift her...don't ride her...


  • #214
    RockRory
    Closed Accounts Posts: 106 ✭✭RockRory


    My Boss to me about a person we had just interviewed.

    "That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot" :D


  • #215
    Captain Slow IRL
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,651 ✭✭✭Captain Slow IRL


    ike wrote: »
    If ya can't lift her...don't ride her...

    If ya can't lift her, don't shift her.


  • #216
    abitlonely
    Closed Accounts Posts: 165 ✭✭abitlonely


    "He's a lad you'd never get tired of baytin."

    On ladies of 'dubious aesthetic quality' :D - "Oh, the bells!"

    "He wouldn't give you the steam off his piss."


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  • #217
    kincsem
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,013 ✭✭✭kincsem


    The actress Jean Harlow (1911-1937)

    She was at a dinner party and kept on addressing Margot Asquith (wife of British prime minister Herbert Asquith) as MargoT (pronouncing the 'T').
    Margot finally had enough and said to her "No Jean, the T is silent, as in Harlow.".


    On a personal note -
    A large woman was in the office working on an IT problem. I was well know for my love of horseracing. One of the women in the office said to me "She would suit you. She's a horse."


  • #218
    FlipperThePriest
    Subscribers Posts: 693 ✭✭✭FlipperThePriest


    Michael o Muircheartaigh:

    Teddy McCarthy to John McCarthy, no relation, John McCarthy back to Teddy McCarthy, still no relation

    Legend!!


  • #219
    ScreenName
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12 ✭ScreenName


    ike wrote: »
    If ya can't lift her...don't Shift her...

    FYP


  • #220
    milod
    Closed Accounts Posts: 757 ✭✭✭milod


    can't be arsed reading all the previous posts so here goes and apologies for repeats....

    On ladies of questionable repute or aesthetic quality :

    "She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back"

    "She smells like an alkies carpet"

    "It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!"

    "She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew"

    "She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo"

    "She had a pair of flaps on her like a beef taco"

    "A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters"

    "Cocked more times than Elmer Fudds shotgun"

    "she's a face like a stuntman's knee"


  • #221
    irishpartyboy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 330 ✭✭irishpartyboy


    Me: "Mate, you are doing some sweating"

    Mate: "I'm sweating like a paedophile in a Barney suit"


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  • #222
    Aurora Borealis
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 939 ✭✭✭Aurora Borealis


    zippy84 wrote: »
    Michael o Muircheartaigh:

    Teddy McCarthy to John McCarthy, no relation, John McCarthy back to Teddy McCarthy, still no relation

    Legend!!


    Yeah always loved that one!!


  • #223
    Agonist
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,329 ✭✭✭Agonist


    Where would ya be going with no bell on your bike and your knickers ringing?

    Neck like a jockey's bollox.

    Insult from the Commitments: Fúcking poxbottle :pac:


  • #224
    6th
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,247 ✭✭✭✭6th


    "Some people are born with penis's, others have penis's thrust upon them" by me.

    Yes I think me is funneh!


  • #225
    Heisenberg.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,541 ✭✭✭Heisenberg.


    This post has been deleted.


  • #226
    amcalester
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,121 ✭✭✭amcalester


    she's seen more hot dinners than dinner times


  • #227
    DetectivFoxtrot
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,601 ✭✭✭DetectivFoxtrot


    I'll do a fim quote from As Good As It Gets starring JAck Nicholson as a writer who is a neurotic, homophobic, grumpy, angry OCD sufferer (hilarious)

    Response to his gay neighbour when he knock on his door:

    Never, never, interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're going to faint. Even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudgepacker that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he's going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock. Not on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?


    Response to lady who asks him about his books:

    Lady: How do yo write women so well?
    JN: I think of a man, and take away reason and accountability.


    Classic


  • #228
    Libby029
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 141 ✭✭Libby029


    My favourite quote which I use quite a bit... especially just before lunch

    "i'm so hungary I could eat a horse between two bread vans"

    It's a classic.. actually I have a load of them but can't remember them

    Oh when you are gobsmacked by something

    " Well f*** me pink with a white wash brush"


  • #229
    coyote6
    Closed Accounts Posts: 303 ✭✭coyote6


    "You can build a man a fire and he'll be warm for the rest of the night. Or you can set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life" - Author Unknown


  • #230
    pebblesjm
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 77 ✭✭pebblesjm


    a young lad...8ish.... at a football match yelling at the team to get the ball down field.................


    'Drive it like you're late for mass' :D

    kids are like sponges!!!:p


  • #231
    CreepingDeath
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,015 ✭✭✭CreepingDeath


    The Korean striker, Park Ji Sung, signs up for Man United.
    The crowd started chanting...

    "He'll shoot, he'll score, he'll eat your labrador!"


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  • #232
    The_Minister
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,255 ✭✭✭✭The_Minister


    coyote6 wrote: »
    "You can build a man a fire and he'll be warm for the rest of the night. Or you can set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life" - Author Unknown

    The author was Terry Pratchett IIRC.


  • #233
    gino85
    Closed Accounts Posts: 510 ✭✭✭gino85


    Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.


  • #234
    Darragh29
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,097 ✭✭✭Darragh29


    "I'm so hungry, I'd eat the hind leg of the lamb of Christ through the worn arse of a wicker chair"!.


  • #235
    Sofaspud
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,625 ✭✭✭Sofaspud


    The_Minister wrote: »
    The author was Terry Pratchett IIRC.

    Yup, in Jingo.


  • #236
    longshanks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,990 ✭✭✭longshanks


    to be or not to be? its not much of a question...


  • #237
    taidghbaby
    Registered Users Posts: 2,746 ✭✭✭taidghbaby


    i recently seen this somewhere and sorry if it has been put before:

    women are like clouds-eventually they fook off and everything is sunny!


  • #238
    Torres9
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭Torres9


    Let's make like a used tampon and get out of this bloody hole


  • #239
    lugnut
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22 ✭lugnut


    neaideabh wrote: »
    I'd rather Iron my sack.

    I'm definitely going to use this - nearly cried laughing :D


  • #240
    Darragh29
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,097 ✭✭✭Darragh29


    lugnut wrote: »
    I'm definitely going to use this - nearly cried laughing :D

    +1, excellent! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D


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  • #241
    Slidey
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,811 ✭✭✭✭Slidey


    Torres9 wrote: »
    Let's make like a used tampon and get out of this bloody hole
    Lets make like an elephants cock.. and hit the road.

    Use this one the whole time


  • #242
    ewj1978
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,936 ✭✭✭ewj1978


    non- alcholic beer. Its like going down on your sister, It tastes the same but you know it just ain't right.


    Pretty sure someone has this on their sig......


  • #243
    Micky Dolenz
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 44,080 ✭✭✭✭Micky Dolenz


    "If you can't lift it, don't shift it"

    Wise words to live by.


  • #244
    St Bill
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 515 ✭✭✭St Bill


    Only if you're a man! A woman would be a nun if she lived by those words :pac:


    (I'm assuming a certain definition of 'shift')


  • #245
    FlipperThePriest
    Subscribers Posts: 693 ✭✭✭FlipperThePriest


    Darragh29 wrote: »
    "I'm so hungry, I'd eat the hind leg of the lamb of Christ through the worn arse of a wicker chair"!.

    I'd eat the nickers off a nun through the whole in the convent wall!

    I'd eat the baldy arse of a child through the bars of a cot!!


  • #246
    FlipperThePriest
    Subscribers Posts: 693 ✭✭✭FlipperThePriest


    irishpartyboy wrote: »
    Me: "Mate, you are doing some sweating"

    Mate: "I'm sweating like a paedophile in a Barney suit"

    Sweating like a dyslexic on countdown

    Sweating like a rapist in a brothel

    As funny as a fart in an elevator

    As funny as a condom at a family reunion

    She had a head on her like a carpenters kneepad

    She had a head on her like a busted ballbag

    He was as busy as a dog with 10 cocks


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  • #247
    Ann22
    Registered Users Posts: 8,004 ✭✭✭Ann22


    On suffering from brewer's droop...'it was like playing snooker with a rope'.

    On being surprised 'Well dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians!'(works better for a man to say)
    Probably not the funniest i've heard, most have already been mentioned.


  • #248
    CreepingDeath
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,015 ✭✭✭CreepingDeath


    If you're waiting a while at an ATM or bank....

    "I've seen lines move faster at sperm banks"


  • #249
    carlybabe1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,069 ✭✭✭carlybabe1


    My Dad, 'praising' the efficiency of the seargent in the local cop shop

    "sleepy ****in hollow, sure *****'s wife had to buy him a rubber finger to stop him tearin the balls off of himself, sittin round scratchin himself all foockin day"

    I thought I was gonna wet meself :D:D:D


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