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My first short story

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  • 16-04-2013 4:46pm
    #1
    IrishLad90
    Registered Users Posts: 849 ✭✭✭


    THE ORDER


    It was a rainy night outside but he knew what he had to do and it had to be soon. As he looked out his window he could see the wind almost pulling the tree's from there roots and that there would be no other cars on the road to delay the task ahead.
    As he is putting on his coat he decides to only bring what he needs so he grabs his keys and the black bag he had packed earlier. The hunger makes him forget about his phone. This was not his first time but it did not get any easier as he was getting older, he hated these jobs in the rain.


    He sets off in the rain and climbs into his old renault megane with the bump on it from his last job. He takes the n32 southbound, he can barely see the cars ahead of him but continues on at speed. He comes off the m50 too fast narrowly missing another car at the finglas exit he pulls into the carpark and gathers his nerves after the near fatal crash. He takes a moment to refocus himself on the task at hand, then searches his coat for the black bag, opens it up so it is ready. It was time. His heart was racing, is this what he wanted.


    He inches closer to the building, notices the window, steadies his breath. There was light coming from inside, He notices the figure of a female in the window, 'is this her is she the one?' he thought to himself. He was at the window, she came closer and with a bang the window flew open he reached into the bag just as she said 'can i take your order' he ordered and took the change from the bag and made his way back down the m50.


Comments

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    #2
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 50,630 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Hi OP,
    I've moved your story to the creative writing forum where it is more appropriate. Please have a read of their charter.


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    #3
    dee_mc
    Registered Users Posts: 7,175 ✭✭✭dee_mc


    Hi Irish Lad, I like where you are going with your story, you keep the reader in suspense and with a sense of expectation throughout the text. I also like the idea of having a 'sting in the tail'. I felt slightly let down by the final sentence or two: maybe you could make the ending a little pithier, perhaps by adding more detail to the dialogue or by injecting a little humour to the last sentence, for example 'Malcolm always felt guilty about his Friday night McDonald's habit'?
    The flow of the story was upset by the changes from present to past tense throughout the text; I hope you don't mind that I made a few suggestions re tenses, grammar, punctuation in dialogue etc below.
    Overall I enjoyed your story; you have a talent for building suspense and a real potential for humour :)
    Dee x

    THE ORDER


    It was a rainy night outside but he knew what he had to do and it had to be soon. As he looked out his window he could see the wind almost pulling the trees from their roots, and that there were no other cars on the road to delay the task ahead.
    As he was putting on his coat he decided to only bring what he needed so he grabbed his keys and the black bag he had packed earlier. His hunger made him forget about his phone. This was not his first time but it did not get any easier as he was getting older, he hated these jobs in the rain.


    He set off in the rain and climbed into his old renault megane with the bump on it from his last job. He took the n32 southbound; he could barely see the cars ahead of him but continued on at speed. He came off the m50 too fast; narrowly missing another car at the Finglas exit he pulled into the carpark and gathered his nerves after the near fatal crash. He took a moment to refocus himself on the task at hand, then searched his coat for the black bag, opened it up so it was ready. It was time. His heart was racing, was this what he wanted?


    He inched closer to the building, noticed the window, steadied his breath. There was light coming from inside, He noticed the figure of a female inside the window, 'is this her?, is she the one?' he thought to himself. He reached the window, she came closer and with a bang the window flew open. He reached into the bag just as she said 'can I take your order?'. He ordered, took the change from the bag and made his way back down the m50.


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    #4
    IrishLad90
    Registered Users Posts: 849 ✭✭✭IrishLad90


    I appreciate the feedback Dee :D. I did not realise how bad the grammar was :S
    I will take a bit more careful next time.


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    #5
    dee_mc
    Registered Users Posts: 7,175 ✭✭✭dee_mc


    Sorry Irish Lad I'm the original grammar Nazi ;P
    Whenever I write I end up with horrible grammar and spelling mistakes but I find it better just to get it all down and worry about that stuff later, maybe we both just need a good editor to polish our work!


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    #6
    IrishLad90
    Registered Users Posts: 849 ✭✭✭IrishLad90


    I will forward my work to you now before i post it on boards. Better to be a grammar nazi than to write in cryptic english :)


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    #7
    dee_mc
    Registered Users Posts: 7,175 ✭✭✭dee_mc


    Haha you're quite welcome to do that Irish Lad, I'm trying to get back into writing myself so I might just shamelessly steal your ideas and make them grammatically perfect :D


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    #8
    MWforumfisher
    Registered Users Posts: 89 ✭✭MWforumfisher


    IrishLad90 wrote: »
    THE ORDER


    It was a rainy night outside but he knew what he had to do and it had to be soon. As he looked out his window he could see the wind almost pulling the tree's from there roots and that there would be no other cars on the road to delay the task ahead.
    As he is putting on his coat he decides to only bring what he needs so he grabs his keys and the black bag he had packed earlier. The hunger makes him forget about his phone. This was not his first time but it did not get any easier as he was getting older, he hated these jobs in the rain.


    He sets off in the rain and climbs into his old renault megane with the bump on it from his last job. He takes the n32 southbound, he can barely see the cars ahead of him but continues on at speed. He comes off the m50 too fast narrowly missing another car at the finglas exit he pulls into the carpark and gathers his nerves after the near fatal crash. He takes a moment to refocus himself on the task at hand, then searches his coat for the black bag, opens it up so it is ready. It was time. His heart was racing, is this what he wanted.


    He inches closer to the building, notices the window, steadies his breath. There was light coming from inside, He notices the figure of a female in the window, 'is this her is she the one?' he thought to himself. He was at the window, she came closer and with a bang the window flew open he reached into the bag just as she said 'can i take your order' he ordered and took the change from the bag and made his way back down the m50.

    Pretty brilliant😂


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    #9
    Clampdown
    Closed Accounts Posts: 423 ✭✭Clampdown


    One of the first things you need to do when writing a story is decided present or past tense and stick to it. As has been pointed out this story switches back and forth.


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