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Confused Depressed and Need Help

  • 12-01-2013 3:22am
    #1
    Tito Man!
    Registered Users Posts: 93 ✭✭


    Hi, I'm a long time lurker but a first time poster here.

    I'm a 27 year old guy originally from England but I've lived in Dublin since I was 18.

    I've recently been coming to terms with the fact that I'm bi, or possibly gay. It's so confusing for me. I also recently broke up with a long-term girlfriend of 4 years. For the last 3 months of the relationship, our sex life was non-existent. It happened more often than not that I would struggle to get an erection when we were intimate.

    I was also becoming more and more brooding and depressed towards the end, as I was trying to suppress my sexuality. I began to cry a lot, feel low and neglect her. I feel so guilty about this, and while we remain friends, my heart still aches that I let her down so much. She was a super girl, and I really don't like that I hurt her. I think she suspected that I was gay towards the end, but I can't say for sure.

    I'm still not out at all, I'm denying it all the time. I've even descended to trying to "force" myself to be straight, by watching only straight porn and to ONLY eye up women. Pathetic, I know.

    I've also recently had my first sexual encounter with another man, and to say it was a disaster is an absolute understatement. I met him through the internet, and we agreed to meet up for anonymous, no-strings sex. We tried some things in my car, but I was humiliated to find I climaxed before he had even touched me and I could not get hard again. It was so mechanical and horrible at the same time. I had wanted to kiss him, but he refused, wanting only sex and no intimacy really, so I was nervous at that thought. I was so humiliated and embarrassed and I seriously began to wonder if something was wrong with me.

    I got checked out by my GP, to make sure there was no physical problems as to why I struggled to get hard and so on (I was reasonably confident that I was physically ok, because I had no problems when I masturbated). He confirmed that I was ok physically, but told me that a psychological problem could be at the root of it.

    As if all this was not bad enough, two nights ago I was out with some friends. We went to a nightclub and so on and a group of about 4 of us came back to my apartment. At about 4am, 2 of the lads left. I was left sitting with one of my best friends. We were both hammered drunk and talking about how much we meant to each other and all. I couldn't help it, the drink put it in my mind and I leaned over and kissed him and told him I loved him (which I kinda do). As he was so drunk, he kissed me back and we fooled around for a bit on the couch, did things to each other and then we fell asleep.

    The next morning, we could hardly talk to each other and he's begged me not to tell anyone what happened and we've hardly spoken since. I have no idea or not if he's gay or bi, or if he just acted because of the drink.

    I'm so upset, confused and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing or what I'm going to do. I don't know if I'm bi, gay, asexual or just plain mad. I feel like such a predator and a creep too for what I did to my best friend, and I genuinely fear that I've ****ed up our friendship beyond all recognition now.

    Sorry about the long post and sorry if it's a bit graphic in spots. I needed to get all this off my chest.


«13

Comments

  • #2
    Royal Irish
    Registered Users Posts: 2,401 ✭✭✭Royal Irish


    Just going from your post it sounds as if your gay. The sooner you come to terms with this and be open about it, the sooner your problems and depression will go away.

    You'll probably face new problems with work colleagues, friends, and maybe even family. But f*ck em. Your mental health and your life is more important than their opinion.

    The thing with your friend is a mine field and its something I wouldn't know about cause all my friends are ugly and homophobic. But your friend is most like gay or bi, and maybe even going through the same problems that you have been experiencing.


  • #3
    Ambersky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,220 ✭✭✭Ambersky


    Im afraid Im just a bit too tired right now to put in a long thoughtful post. But you sound worried and upset so I just want to say its going to be ok. It all sounds like pretty normal coming to terms with your sexuality kind of events and feelings. Whatever your sexuality turns out to be, be it straight., gay, or bi whatever thats going to be ok too. Its all just lifes dramas, try to enjoy the ride, learn to listen to and trust yourself, be honest with yourself and others,. Big hug


  • #4
    lottpaul
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,165 ✭✭✭lottpaul


    Hello Tito,

    thanks for sharing that with us. What you describe is probably ringing true fpr lots of people reading this. The incident with your friend may be drink induced and possibly something neither of you will want to talk about - for a while, or ever.
    I'd be inclined to agree with Ambersky that you're sliding along the scale of being gay or bi -- but its a scale and not everyone is at the same point and not everyone remains at that point for all of their lives.
    Your head is bursting with things - questions, preconceptions, fears, hopes, lonliness, the need for reassurance and comfort - so give yourself a little time, and a big pat on the back.You are most definitely not alone and are certainly not the first or only person to have felt like this. There are people to help - professionally and voluntary. Have a look around at some posts here, take a look at the resources sticky on the main LGBT page and post again.

    Thanks again and take care.


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I would say more likely you're sexually fluid. Human sexuality is too complicated to break down sometimes. I can't say for certain.

    I would recommend a forum called shybi-guys.com if you want to check it out. There is a lot of topics there that are very similar to this from guys who are in distress with changes in sexuality. I think you'll find some stories to identify with there. All the best.


  • #6
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,104 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Royal Irish wrote: »
    Just going from your post it sounds as if your gay.
    hi_rec wrote: »
    I would say more likely you're sexually fluid.

    The op might be gay or bi. Only he can determine that.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



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  • #7
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,104 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    OP maybe ring the lgbt switchboard to see if they can help

    www.lgbt.ie

    Also maybe consider attending this

    http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056850208

    Some of the attendees are in a very similar situation to yourself

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #8
    gwjones42
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 174 ✭✭gwjones42


    Hi Tito,

    It was a brave move to share your issues here, and it sounds to me like even though nothing feels good or right at the moment, you have in fact started the process of sorting yourself out.

    Not trying to be presumptuous about how you're feeling, but having had relationships with girls for years too and feeling so worried during them that something was wrong with me and that I was letting them down, it was such a relief when I got to the point where I put an end to it and was able to say f**k it........I like guys. You've reached that point, so you no longer have to worry about pretending to like someone in that way again. Most importantly, you no longer have to pretend to yourself.......and that reality is the thing that will change your life.

    What happened with your friend sounds reallllllllllly awkward, but if you put it into the context of you emerging from years of holding back and pretending to be someone else, being drunk and having your actions reciprocated I think it sounds perfectly understandable.......but still pretty awkward :-) Time will tell whether or not he can handle it and where his own sexual preferences lie.

    If it looks like he can handle it, then you've got a ready-made first person to come out to. If not, then that's sad, but more his issue than yours because you definitely don't come across as a predator.

    If you feel you need to meet guys for sex now, having been suppressed for so long, that's your call, but be careful sexually and don't be forced to do anything you don't feel comfortable doing and let someone know where you are.........which would be a perfect role for your friend to fill if you think he could do that, (but probably not right away).

    Finally.......congratulations....You probably feel like a terrified mess, but you've got yourself into a position where you can finally be yourself.......it could be amazing!!!!!


  • #9
    Tito Man!
    Registered Users Posts: 93 ✭✭Tito Man!


    Hi.

    Thanks so much to everyone who's read, replied and given advice.

    I feel a little better today, having slept on it. I'm still feeling very head-melted, but that is to be expected, right?

    My friend texted me this morning. He wants to meet up and talk. He says that he doesn't know what happened or whatever, but that he still loves me as a friend and that he wants to stay friends. He's coming over to my apartment later on to talk with me. Here's hoping it goes well.

    I know this sounds bad, but the contact I had with him was so much better than the first time. It was so at ease, there was no pressure, we were laughing and having fun the whole time. This was compared to the horrible experience I had before. I know it probably won't happen again, but it woke me up to the fact that anonymous sex is not for me at all. I need intimacy and trust and to be comfortable with someone. At least I've discovered that much.

    I'm feeling so relaxed and much more happy today. At least I know my best friend wants to get in touch again. I also know that all of my friends would be ok with me being gay or bi. None of them would care at all. So here's hoping.

    I've just spent the day sitting at home, watching some footer and taking it easy, letting it all sink in. I just want to be alone and quiet for a while, and I just want to talk to my friend and see what happens.

    Thanks for listening and thanks for the advice.


  • #10
    Hamhide
    Registered Users Posts: 289 ✭✭Hamhide


    hope it goes well for u, keep us posted. also CUDDLES! :)


  • #11
    Paramite Pie
    Registered Users Posts: 1,312 ✭✭✭Paramite Pie


    Hi Tito-Man! Alot of us go through something like this, some earlier in life and some later. Some people don't realise until they're married & in their 40s!! Better now than never. I hope you feel liberated.

    My first time was pretty awful too and I realized early on random hook-ups don't work for me. Some people really need a connection to someone so hopefully you can work on making some nice gay friends first (or getting closer to your buddy) and then take it from there.:)


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  • #12
    dubina
    Registered Users Posts: 1 ✭dubina


    Tito Man! wrote: »
    I know this sounds bad, but the contact I had with him was so much better than the first time. It was so at ease, there was no pressure, we were laughing and having fun the whole time. This was compared to the horrible experience I had before. I know it probably won't happen again, but it woke me up to the fact that anonymous sex is not for me at all. I need intimacy and trust and to be comfortable with someone. At least I've discovered that much.

    That's because a good friendship is a strong foundation for starting the relations. You are comfortable around the person, you gain the trust, you have a lot to talk about, you enjoy spending time together. Cherish that. A good friend can become a perfect partner in life. Take it slowly. Sounds, as you have a good soul. Don't get lost in one-night stands. Try to find a person, who will become your friend fist and then start discovering the world of intimacy with him.
    Good luck.
    P.S.: It would be great, if your parents will get supportive. They have a 6th sense for immediately identifying loosers and bad guys (it will safe a lot of time and efforts for you). Could be quit handy for a young guy :).


  • #13
    Tito Man!
    Registered Users Posts: 93 ✭✭Tito Man!


    Hi again.

    It's been a weird few days. It was mentally exhausting but I think it has all been for the best.

    I met up with my friend and we talked for hours. There were a lot of tears, a lot of hugging and a lot of confiding and opening up. He told me that he's always been confused and curious but was never comfortable with the idea. His family is pretty conservative and he's been terrified of getting rejected and being kicked out of his home as a result. I never had that fear to that extent but I could understand completely.

    We both knew we found each other attractive, but we have such a great friendship that we've decided to leave it at that and to not become boyfriends. We just know that we can confide and talk and I think we are so much more close as friends now.

    I've also told one or two of my close friends that I think I'm bi. They've been great about it. Again I was pretty cut up. I was nervous and I was letting out something that I'd been hiding and carrying for years so I got a bit emotional and overwrought about it. But they've been supportive and loving about the whole thing so I can't ask for more.

    As for the time being, I'm going to just take baby-steps and see what I can do. I don't know what is coming. I can still see myself settling down with a woman rather than a man. Maybe I just want to explore this side of me for a few years before finding that special someone. I don't know. I'm seriously considering going to see a therapist or a psychiatrist to try and work on these problems.

    Thank you again to everyone who has replied here and has been so supportive and also to the people who sent me lovely and supportive private messages. It has been a huge help and I'm starting to slowly feel better. Thank you.


  • #14
    youi
    Registered Users Posts: 8 ✭youi


    ,


  • #15
    cartell_best
    Closed Accounts Posts: 579 ✭✭✭cartell_best


    OP, love who ya want, when ya want to. At the end of the day, what will matter?


  • #16
    Tito Man!
    Registered Users Posts: 93 ✭✭Tito Man!


    Hi, OP here again.

    Well things have been moving a lot quicker in the last few days. I think my friend and I are kinda secret boyfriends now at this point. We've been texting each other non-stop (far more than we used to) and talking all the time on Facebook. And we spent another night together. Wednesday night. We had gone out with a few friends to the cinema, and afterwards he invited me back to his house for another film and to get some pizza and whatever.

    We were just sat on the couch next to each other and we just started getting closer to each other. We started to nuzzle a little bit, then mess fighting and non-stop laughing. We ended up kissing and I ended up spending the night with him. We didn't "go all the way". But we still did a lot. The next morning we just talked and we were so happy and we are going to try and make it work.

    But I still feel guilty about the whole thing. I half-feel like I'm taking advantage somehow. He's a bit younger than me but not much (he's 25). While I never coerced him really in any way, I was the one who made the first move.

    But it is also something that is making me so happy. When I woke up on Thursday morning and I was holding him in my arms, I felt about as happy as I've ever felt in my life.

    I love talking with him, I love being with him. I love him, basically.

    But I'm also worried that this could ruin the amazing friendship we already have. But a niggling little voice is saying to me that I could have a wonderful relationship with him. He's been tucked up something awful before in relationships by users and horrible things, but I know I'd be decent. I'd look after him, be there for him and love him.

    I really don't know how to proceed. I'm so unsure of the correct thing to do.


  • #17
    crystalfan55
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭crystalfan55


    That sounds frickin romantic. Never mind settling down with a woman, 10 bucks says you'll probably settle down with him. ;)


  • #18
    Ambersky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,220 ✭✭✭Ambersky


    I agree sounds like a lovely way to get together with someone.
    About wondering if it is ok to date a friend. It happens all the time it seems if these are anything to go by.

    Remember Matt?



  • #19
    johnreck
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 100 ✭✭johnreck


    first off thanks for sharing, know it will be ok whatever the outcome.
    take it from n ancient fag.
    grab every opportunity for love and friendship.
    give you and him the space your going
    to need. laugh smile and love with all your heart.
    have no regrets smile and be happy.


  • #20
    Tito Man!
    Registered Users Posts: 93 ✭✭Tito Man!


    Hi again, people.

    I'm so glad for all the support this thread has gotten and everything. It's amazing for me.

    In response to the other thread that I'm guessing was started in response to this one, my (boy)friend and me have talked an awful lot over the past while. As you can imagine. And he has told me, in response to when I asked him 'Are you straight?', that he was not straight. He hasn't felt anything other than bisexual since he was in his teens. He was just never able to accept it or act upon it. He said he just felt like he couldn't go on much longer.

    We have just been talking so much and spending a lot of our time together after work and so on. He's been spending nights over at mine (me spending nights over at his house is a complete no-no because he still lives with his parents and it wouldn't be possible without at best awkward questions).

    I still feel worry. I really do love him and he is my best friend. No question that he is one of the best friends I've ever had in my life. And now if something happens now that we are romantically involved, it could ruin that. But all that said, I feel like it's now gone well past the point of no return and we're now and forever much more than friends. I still feel slightly awkward about this, but at the same time I'm loving it more than anything.

    We've also told two of our mutual friends. These are two guys we love a lot and trust absolutely. Both were a bit shocked, but both were so happy for us. They were totally supportive and we both feel so much better for having told them.

    Things are moving forward at a bit of a dizzying pace for me. I mean, in all my previous relationships, it took me months to blurt out "I love you" to someone, and there was usually a bit of outside pressure on me to do so. I said it to my friend 2 nights ago. I just said it to him while we were sitting watching a film. He told me that he loved me too. We share so much in common and we both (obviously) find each other attractive and love spending free time together.

    We've not "officially" asked to be boyfriends or anything like that. Should I? I don't want to rush anything, but I think we're both happy and both want this. Is it moving too fast? I've never had anything like this happen to me before, and as much as I want to go forward, I'm still feeling a little unsure of what to do.

    I know this sounds stupid, being so unsure of something that seems so right... I know the old adage that more is lost through indecision than wrong decision, but I really don't know. The man I have so much deep affection and love for is asleep in my bed right now as I'm writing this. I just want to know what to say to him when we are talking more later on.

    Thank you for reading.


  • #21
    lottpaul
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,165 ✭✭✭lottpaul


    I think all of the anxiety/worry you are feeling is very usual and understandable -- but that doesnt make it go away :)
    One of the most human things when we have suddenly found something new/treasured is to have a fear of losing it. That can stay with us for a long or short time until a full trust and confidence is built up and even then they can linger. The important thing is not to let them get in the way of enjoying the here and now, the moment, the feeling of waking up beside someone you love and who loves you. Who knows what the future holds? Take a trip over to the Conspiracy Forum and you probably won't want to leave the house ever again :)

    Enjoy the now -- am delighted you are both getting along so well. Be happy :)


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  • #22
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Tito Man! wrote: »
    We've not "officially" asked to be boyfriends or anything like that. Should I? I don't want to rush anything, but I think we're both happy and both want this. Is it moving too fast? I've never had anything like this happen to me before, and as much as I want to go forward, I'm still feeling a little unsure of what to do.

    Take a deep breath, and relax.
    Repeat. :)

    Falling deeply in love with someone brings a whirlwind of emotions.
    It can be both overwhelming and joyous.
    I can practically feel your excitement coming off my screen. :D

    Might I suggest that you stop thinking so much and just enjoy your time with him.
    This is new for both of ye, so really, just take it one day at a time and don't put needless pressure on each other.
    Stop thinking about tomorrow and realise what a wonderful thing it is that ye have found each other.
    Enjoy your happiness. :)


  • #23
    floggg
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,824 ✭✭✭floggg


    I wouldn't go rushing off to put any label on the relationship. As has been said, this is new to you both.

    Moreover, if your "friend" is only coming to terms with his sexuality, and indeed yourself to, a label such as boyfriend might bring more baggage than it is necessarily worth.

    Just go with it and see where it goes.

    And as for ruining the friendship, a relationship doesn't always have to end badly, if it ends at all.

    If you make a commitment to always try to be as honest, open and respectful of each other as you can, it will mean that even if it does end you should be able to remain on good terms.


  • #24
    Notorioux
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 502 ✭✭✭Notorioux


    Good for you.


  • #25
    Tito Man!
    Registered Users Posts: 93 ✭✭Tito Man!


    Hi, all. Sorry it's been a few days, but I've been busy with work and getting this sorted out.

    I know this isn't meant to be a blog or anything, but I just want to keep people on here updated on how it's going, seeing as how everyone has had such good advice and has been just awesome.

    First of all, I'm so HAPPY! I was screwing up the courage to ask him to be my boyfriend (despite the advice from here, I just wanted to do it). I didn't get an opportunity. He asked me! I cried. I was in tears. Absolute tears. I was, and I am, so happy. He was crying too. Those gorgeous dark brown eyes should never have tears in them, except for moments like this one.

    So it's official. This wonderful man is now my boyfriend. I love him. I love him so much. He's such a wonderful, sweet man. I'm so lucky. I'm so deeply lucky. I have my best friend and my boyfriend rolled into one.

    Secondly, does anyone know a good place where we can go for our first, official date? We really want to do something a little special. Get a nice meal, stroll through the city afterwards and then just spend the night watching stupid films and wrapped up in each others' arms. So, anyone know a nice spot for a nice, romantic dinner? Somewhere that two guys having a date won't raise many (if any) eyebrows would also be nice!

    We're also complete novices when it comes to actual sex between two men. We've never had any experience of this at all. I don't want to go into too much gory detail obviously, with this being a public forum. But if anyone had some good advice, please PM me or something. We have looked at it all on the internet, but some first hand advice would be really appreciated.

    We're also experiencing one or two funny looks when we walk sometimes. We don't usually go in for PDA's, but sometimes I just can't help it and I just need to hold his hand or hug him. Draws the odd funny look. But it was so cool, because a woman saw us hugging, and she smiled and nodded at us. It was a look that said "Well, good for you two". It was just so amazing.

    Sorry, I'm like a bleedin excited puppy with all this. But thanks again to everyone for reading and I will keep you updated (if that's cool). Thanks!


  • #26
    lazorgirl
    Registered Users Posts: 73 ✭✭lazorgirl


    OP - thanks for your post; your excitement & happiness is infectious; nearly dropped ipad into bath.
    the best first date i had was simple & ordinary but equally amazing & extraordinary - a lovely meal cooked for me, cuddled together watching the matrix !! on her laptop followed by a long night of fun...
    will leave it to the lads for advice re sexual activities.
    enjoy all these moments


  • #27
    floggg
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,824 ✭✭✭floggg


    Tito Man! wrote: »
    Hi, all. Sorry it's been a few days, but I've been busy with work and getting this sorted out.

    I know this isn't meant to be a blog or anything, but I just want to keep people on here updated on how it's going, seeing as how everyone has had such good advice and has been just awesome.

    First of all, I'm so HAPPY! I was screwing up the courage to ask him to be my boyfriend (despite the advice from here, I just wanted to do it). I didn't get an opportunity. He asked me! I cried. I was in tears. Absolute tears. I was, and I am, so happy. He was crying too. Those gorgeous dark brown eyes should never have tears in them, except for moments like this one.

    So it's official. This wonderful man is now my boyfriend. I love him. I love him so much. He's such a wonderful, sweet man. I'm so lucky. I'm so deeply lucky. I have my best friend and my boyfriend rolled into one.

    Secondly, does anyone know a good place where we can go for our first, official date? We really want to do something a little special. Get a nice meal, stroll through the city afterwards and then just spend the night watching stupid films and wrapped up in each others' arms. So, anyone know a nice spot for a nice, romantic dinner? Somewhere that two guys having a date won't raise many (if any) eyebrows would also be nice!

    We're also complete novices when it comes to actual sex between two men. We've never had any experience of this at all. I don't want to go into too much gory detail obviously, with this being a public forum. But if anyone had some good advice, please PM me or something. We have looked at it all on the internet, but some first hand advice would be really appreciated.

    We're also experiencing one or two funny looks when we walk sometimes. We don't usually go in for PDA's, but sometimes I just can't help it and I just need to hold his hand or hug him. Draws the odd funny look. But it was so cool, because a woman saw us hugging, and she smiled and nodded at us. It was a look that said "Well, good for you two". It was just so amazing.

    Sorry, I'm like a bleedin excited puppy with all this. But thanks again to everyone for reading and I will keep you updated (if that's cool). Thanks!

    Definitely keep it going. Good to see a happy ending to a thread start off with a title like "confused, depressed etc."

    Great to see things are going so well for you two. You both seem to have got comfortable with the idea of a same sex relationship so quickly. Delighted its going so well for you both.

    As for somewhere to go on a date, I wouldn't worry about getting looks at any restaurant. They will have seen it all before, so they probably won't bat an eye lid.

    You might get a few looks from other patrons, but so what. That's all they will do, and if you just relax and enjoy the meal and each others company, you won't even notice them.

    The world will become a very small place if you only stick to places where you feel insulated from other people's reactions and insecurities.

    Equally, you shouldn't feel you need to modify or curtail your behaviour to blend in.

    As long as you are not eating the face of each other the whole time so delicate PDA, like holding hands or a quick kiss, is fine. You've just as much right to do it as every second straight couple waking down the street hand in hand or scoring each other at the Luas stop.

    You might get a few looks, but so what. Obviously pick your time and place (late at night you probably shouldn't get too cosy on the street just to be safe for example) but generally speaking the worst you'll get is somebody staring a bit or doing a double take.

    But even that would be rare. I think it's easy to be hypersensitive about this sort of thing - if you focus on it too much, you'll perceive ever glance to be an unwelcome stare.

    And even when somebody is looking at you, it may not be for the reason you think. I remember a while back I saw two guys walking along the canal hand in hand and caught myself looking at them. When they saw me looking at them, they stopped smiling and an awkward look came across their face and the let each others hands go, obviously thinking I was judging them.

    In fact, I was just thinking how great it was to see them like that and how I wished I could find somebody special to stroll along the canal hand and hand with.

    That, or the people staring might just think your clothes are nice/ugly. Or your fly could be open!

    So I wouldn't get too hung up about other people's reactions. More often than not, it's not quite what you think it is.


  • #28
    KDII
    Registered Users Posts: 202 ✭✭KDII


    I could have written this post myself 4 years ago (except we're both girls!).

    Just really enjoy it. It's the most amazing feeling to be falling in love and it's compounded by something else really exciting but terrifying when you're falling in love with your best friend.

    I know sometimes it's scary and can be confusing to have all these feelings. Just try and keep in mind that no matter what happens, you will always remember these few weeks as some of the best of your life.

    Don't worry about what other people think and (within reason) don't modify your behaviour for the benefit of strangers who may or may not have a problem with you. Kiss him when you feel like kissing him, treat him to loads of nice things and give of yourself freely.

    Actually, im on a trip down memory lane now...


  • #29
    Tito Man!
    Registered Users Posts: 93 ✭✭Tito Man!


    Hi, again.

    We're going out for our first official date tonight! I'm so happy. It's a big night for me, but it's just going for a meal, then maybe a few drinks after. But it has the feeling of making everything official for me, if that doesn't sound too mental. I don't think I've ever looked forward to an evening out as much as I have for this night.

    We're also going to tell a few more of our friends. They're all really open and they love us, so it won't be hard. I think some of them have made guesses (not that hard, considering he's practically living with me at this stage!) and I know that they'll be happy for us. A little bit shocked, maybe, but very happy.

    It's been a rough time for both of us in terms of relationships, and all our friends know this. So that we both found love together. I think it will make everyone a bit happier. The fact that we've been such close friends for so long and now that we've finally found happiness. I don't think any of our friends will be anything other than happy!

    While it may be a bit soon, the fact that he's been practically living with me for the past week or so, we've been talking about him moving in on a more permanent basis. The nights he spends in his house, we miss each other terribly. Invariably, we're up until all hours texting and/or talking on Facebook anyway on those nights we're not together. We don't feel it's rushing it, because we used to practically live together for a while, so we know what we're both like and I'd love the idea.

    As I mentioned in a previous post, his parents are pretty conservative. We could never spend a night together in his house. So it stands to reason, that most of our time is spent in my apartment. Just spending time with him, even if it's just watching films or football, just makes me so happy.

    Thanks again. And hopefully tonight goes well!


  • #30
    lottpaul
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,165 ✭✭✭lottpaul


    Tito Man! wrote: »
    Thanks again. And hopefully tonight goes well!

    Hope you have a brilliant time -- and mark the day in the calendar -- you'll be in the doghouse if you forget the anniversary next year :D

    Seriously though - thanks for keeping us all up to date -- it's great to read such good news. :)


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  • #31
    Tito Man!
    Registered Users Posts: 93 ✭✭Tito Man!


    Hi again, everyone!

    Unfortunately, I'm alone tonight. He had to stay at home tonight. After more or less constantly staying here for the last few days, he wanted to stay at home tonight just so his family wouldn't be worried.

    Our first date was amazing. We went to a restaurant that was recommended to us, and it was just perfect. While we didn't go overboard with PDA's in there or anything, we felt comfortable holding hands and just being totally focused on each other. The food was really good too, and afterwards we just strolled through the city for a bit. Was a bit nippy out, so we went home soon after and just spent the night watching a few films. Followed by cuddling and more.

    Also, it will be easy to remember the anniversary. 31st January. Last day of winter, so could hardly forget.

    As I sit here, we're just constantly texting. He's delighted to be away from me tonight, as I'll be watching the Superbowl, and he hates NFL. We both love most other sports, but I've been getting into the NFL lately, but he hates it. It suits me; before this, I had no sports to watch between the hours of 10pm and 4am. Plus, it's something we can argue about, lol.

    He's coming around tomorrow night with some of his stuff, and he's going to start moving in. Ostensibly, to his parents and stuff, as my roommate. But as some people will know, we will still have a spare bedroom. ;) It makes sense too, as he will be a bit closer to his work, so that's what he can tell his parents too! I cannot wait for him to move in. Just to know he'll be living with me and sharing my life more. He also won't care that I spend most of my time wandering around the apartment in my underwear when I'm not in work. :p

    Thanks to everyone for listening and for hoping everything is going well. It is. and it's only going to get better from what I can see.


  • #32
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,104 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Hi Tito Man

    Delighted that things are going so well for you.

    Personally (and this is my own personal opinion) - Moving in together this soon might be going a little too fast

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #33
    Tito Man!
    Registered Users Posts: 93 ✭✭Tito Man!


    Hi, mango.

    Thanks for the concern. We've talked loads about it, and it's not permanent. He'd just be staying with me for a few days a week. We'd be looking to make it more permanent in the future, obviously.

    I know it's a huge step, but we both know each other really well, so we're comfortable with it, and we should be fine.

    It is a bit quick, but it just feels so right. I don't know why we want this so much, but it's like I said earlier; we just love spending time together. Even if it's just sitting around doing nothing. Just being together makes us both so happy. Even before all this, when we were just the best platonic friends, we just loved spending time together and just hanging out. We just share so many similar interests and passions.

    He also basically lived with me for a while when he was going through a rough patch with his folks (long story) and we got on great. We never argued at all over anything since as long as we've known each other.

    It's all rose-tinted glasses and idealised at the moment, but it just feels so right for me. I understand the concern, and I appreciate it. Really I do. It's just people trying to stop us from ruining it and to stop us getting hurt.

    But I don't think that is likely to happen. It just feels so right.

    Thanks for listening. :)


  • #34
    lottpaul
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,165 ✭✭✭lottpaul


    I'm glad that things are going so well and you are both so happy :)
    Mango's point is very valid and would be a concern that many people might share. In some ways it reminds me of my own situation years ago. Due to work I was away a few nights a week and sometimes for a few weeks. At times it was difficult but equally it gave each of us space to be individuals and have "single" experiences. All the more to talk about when I did get home
    It also meant we had huge phone bills :)

    You'll find your own level of comfort and sharing- I'm delighted he hates NFL - I watched 5 mins of it last night, couldn't make any sense of it at all, so my sympathies are totally with him on that one! BTW, who won?


  • #35
    Tito Man!
    Registered Users Posts: 93 ✭✭Tito Man!


    Hi, all.

    Also, the Baltimore Ravens won the Superbowl. GO RAVENS! :D

    I'm just so happy, and looking back on this too. The thread started out so negative and fearful, as I had no idea what to do. Life just has a way of sorting these things out, even at absolutely dizzying speed. I still cannot believe it sometimes. But I'm forever grateful that this has happened. He just lights up my life and my day so much.

    I also want to thank everyone on here. For the support and for being so happy for me. It has helped a lot. Even though they don't read this, I also want to go on record that our friends that we have told so far have been just spectacular. Maybe initially a bit shocked, but so happy for us. One of our friends was actually in tears telling us how happy he was for us. It's been incredible. It really affirms your faith in the decency of people and in how amazing your friends are.

    For the time being (on my day off), I'm just gonna plan on what to cook for dinner tonight and see if I can get my hands on a few films for us to watch. :)


  • #36
    Tainor
    Registered Users Posts: 92 ✭✭Tainor


    All I have to say to the OP is man you are as lucky as it comes! Forget winning the Euro Millions you won the one in a life-time chance, finding the man of your dreams in your best friend and him in you! Amazing!

    I hope really, that this relationship will last for the rest of your life! Take things as you go, loving and being loved is the best feeling in life :)

    And unlike some people that are saying that it is too soon perhaps to move in together, I say, do as you feel. You've known each other for quite a lot of time, as best friends and now you know each other in a more intimate stage, and had shared living experiences in the past. I guess you will not be strangers to each other living together.

    I do hope, fortune bids you well and this is the love of your life, spend together!

    Amor est amor, ubi invenies!


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  • #37
    Tito Man!
    Registered Users Posts: 93 ✭✭Tito Man!


    Hi, again. Sorry about being so sporadic with posting, but work is just busy and I've just been spending pretty much all my free time with a certain someone too. :)

    Funny night last night. My boyfriend (his name is Billy, btw! Can't believe that in all my posts I've not mentioned it!) went out with friends of ours to a house party. I wasn't able to go, as I had work this morning. I arrived home from work to watch some of the football and rugby, two of our friends passed out and Billy in bed. They'd somehow came back to our apartment and had died off. The other two lads have gone home now, and I'm sat here giggling to myself, just wondering what state he'll be in when he finally surfaces. :o

    For the time being, he's my "housemate" to the outside world (apart from the few of our friends who are in the know), and it's brilliant. We are just so happy knowing that we'll have a loving welcome when we come in from work. We both seem to have a real spring in our step lately.

    While we left it too late to do anything for Valentines Day, I don't think we would have been too pushed either way anyway. We're just going to treat it like any other day, methinks. Though I'm secretly going to buy him something anyway. Just for the hell of it.

    We're both a bit more looking forward to the 14th of March, to be honest (that's "Steak and B.J. Day" for those not in the know). :D

    On a slightly negative side, we're still pretty afraid to tell our families. I'd be happier telling mine, but Billy is utterly terrified. I try not to talk about it too much, as it upsets him a bit, but I think it will genuinely stifle certain aspects of our relationship and mean it's less open to the world. While we don't want to shout it from the rooftops, I'd like to be able to say it if someone asks. But that is pretty much the only problem we have, and if that's the worst thing that happens to us, I'll count myself lucky.


  • #38
    Norderburse
    Registered Users Posts: 81 ✭✭Norderburse


    Am loving this thread, delighted for you OP! You two can be my entry in the "What gives you hope?" thread ;-)


  • #39
    --LOS--
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,028 ✭✭✭✭--LOS--


    This is the sweetest thread I've read in ages :D Just touching on what you said in your first post though, don't worry about labels, it's certainly not up to anyone else to tell you what you are or what you aren't. Just read about online, boards is good, other sites too, reading and questioning is good, it helps you to be more honest with yourself, to really get to know yourself, you'll figure things out for yourself, you have your bf to talk to as well which is great. Things seem to be going really well at the moment, can only wish you the best.


  • #40
    Tito Man!
    Registered Users Posts: 93 ✭✭Tito Man!


    Hi, again, folks.

    First of all, thank you to everyone for reading and listening and for being so genuinely happy for us. It means so much. It really does. And thank you.

    I also want to ask some advice too. I've kept in touch with my ex pretty consistently. Talking on Facebook a good bit, texting, and so on. She is still a really good friend, and she has been getting along well since we broke up. She does not hold any hard feelings at all, and is always asking me how I am and how I'm getting on and if I'm ok. She's such a sweet person and totally genuine.

    Obviously, one of her questions to me has been along the lines of are you seeing anyone else. I've gently deflected such questions so far. Why, I do not know. She is really accepting and liberal. I'm actually aching to tell her that I'm bi. I also would want to tell her in person, as I don't think it's something you say over Facebook!

    I guess the thing that is getting to me is, should I tell her? And if I do tell her, do I tell her I'm seeing another guy? And if I go that far, do I tell her which particular guy I'm seeing? She knows Billy really well, unavoidable really seeing as how close we were as friends for so long, but I don't know if I should tell her about it. Just yet anyway.

    I'm also trying to screw up my courage to tell my family. They are pretty liberal as families go. I think it would be more of a shock than anything. I also don't have the burden of being the "only son to carry on the family name" shít that some gay/bi guys have to deal with; my younger brother is married and he and his wife are expecting their first child at the moment.

    Serious stuff out of the way now:

    Perfect night in tonight. Billy has gone to bed as he has work early in the morning. I've a day off tomorrow, so I'm burning midnight oil a bit. Our perfect night consisted of toasted sandwiches, football on TV, "Skyfall" after that, a big bowl of popcorn and being cuddled up together on the sofa. Not totally glamorous or anything, but it was cozy!

    I just hope I don't wake him up when I go to bed later!


  • #41
    number10a
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,062 ✭✭✭number10a


    So how did Valentine's go? Or did you manage to keep strong and avoid it in favour of Steak and BJs day?? Me and my boyfriend have now adopted that for ourselves so thanks for the idea! :D

    You should probably start a blog or something. I keep finding myself checking in here for updates. :P


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  • #42
    Tito Man!
    Registered Users Posts: 93 ✭✭Tito Man!


    Hi, guys. Once again, sorry about the reply being so far between. Work and just everything gets in the way. Hardly ever get online these days.

    I hope the mods are ok with me giving the odd update; I know this isn't a blog, but I think it's helpful to both myself and others. I hope it's ok. If it's not, I will stop.

    Anyway, I bit the bullet last night and spoke with my ex. We agreed to meet up for some food and a "catch-up" (we hadn't seen each other for longer than a few minutes since we broke up). It was pretty hard to talk at first. I was so nervous (I must have smoked half a pack of cigs in the first half hour). But a bottle of beer or two later, and I loosened up a little.

    She knew something was on my mind. Wasn't hard to detect. She was the same as I always remembered. A sweetheart who was always concerned about others more than she was for herself. After a little gentle probing, I blurted it out. I told her I was gay at first, but then backtracked a little, saying it was more bi than anything.

    She was totally understanding and was just smiling to herself. She told me she had guessed that I was probably gay, and was delighted for me that I was accepting it. We talked for ages. I teared up a little at times, I was apologising to her for hurting her. Everything kinda came spilling out. It was really cathartic and theraputic.

    Of course, she followed with the inevitable "Are you seeing someone?" Out of respect for Billy and all, I told her I was, but that I didn't want to say who as he wasn't out really and I didn't feel right about telling people when he didn't know. She understood, but was happy for me that I was seeing someone. We're texting each other a bit more now, and she's totally supportive.

    I've talked to Billy, and he knows her. He'd be happy for her to know and would like to talk to her too. They always got along well.

    So, as emotionally draining as it was screwing up my courage to do that, it was totally positive and has only brought good things up. Hoping it can move in the same direction when we all talk (me, her and Billy). It should be anyway.

    For Valentines day, we were very boring. Went for a walk together, cooked some food, watched soppy films and just cuddled up.

    We also, ahem, took it to the next level that night. :o:D Fuelled by more than a few glasses of wine each, we just began talking about it and then finally just went for it. I don't want to scandalise anyone by going into gory detail. Well just one detail. I was the big spoon that night. :p

    But it was wonderful. Took a little getting used to and took a while for both of us to get comfortable, but we were easy going about it. We were relaxed and we were having fun. We just wanted to try it, and it was everything I'd imagined it would be and it was properly a case of the two of us making each other feel amazing. We haven't tried it again just yet. But we want to, obviously!

    So far, it's all still rosy! Thanks for reading, dudes and dudettes! :)


  • #43
    Tito Man!
    Registered Users Posts: 93 ✭✭Tito Man!


    Hi, everyone.

    Been over a week since I last posted, didn't realise it had been that long.

    My ex has now met my current. She was really surprised, but was delighted for the two of us. She came up to my apartment to meet us, and I kinda told her to be prepared to be a bit surprised. There was a lot of hugging, some tears and a lot of happiness throughout. I love when things go so right.

    I also told my younger brother in the last week. Like most people he was stunned. He was really silent after I told him, and I didn't dare speak. He was just staring off into space, and I thought he'd taken it really badly. I was so nervous. After a fairly long silence, he just turned to me and said "Why'd you wait so long to tell me?" We had a long conversation after that, and he cried a bit when I told him that I'd 'known' for a long time, but was too afraid to say anything.

    We always were really close when we were kids; I was the bigger brother and he always looked up to me, treated me like his hero when he was young. We never fought much, and we always were close, so he was really upset about a few things. That I was hiding it for so long, that I was unhappy for so long and that I never told him. But he's so happy for me now. I asked him not to tell anyone else just yet. I want to do it at my own pace, obviously. And I trust him to keep the confidence. Again, another massive weight off my mind and it feels so good.

    And of course, me and Billy are still loved up. It's getting more "normal" now, if that's the right word. We're not as giddy or giggly over it as much anymore, but it's still proper amazing. We can't leave each other at all without saying "I love you", gag inducing as that might be. But nothing beats coming home from work and being able to hug the person you love. Going for walks together too is so good, even if we do get frozen walking around. Roll on the summer, ffs.


  • #44
    Locker10a
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 4,187 Mod ✭✭✭✭Locker10a


    Tito Man! wrote: »
    Hi, everyone.

    Been over a week since I last posted, didn't realise it had been that long.

    My ex has now met my current. She was really surprised, but was delighted for the two of us. She came up to my apartment to meet us, and I kinda told her to be prepared to be a bit surprised. There was a lot of hugging, some tears and a lot of happiness throughout. I love when things go so right.

    I also told my younger brother in the last week. Like most people he was stunned. He was really silent after I told him, and I didn't dare speak. He was just staring off into space, and I thought he'd taken it really badly. I was so nervous. After a fairly long silence, he just turned to me and said "Why'd you wait so long to tell me?" We had a long conversation after that, and he cried a bit when I told him that I'd 'known' for a long time, but was too afraid to say anything.

    We always were really close when we were kids; I was the bigger brother and he always looked up to me, treated me like his hero when he was young. We never fought much, and we always were close, so he was really upset about a few things. That I was hiding it for so long, that I was unhappy for so long and that I never told him. But he's so happy for me now. I asked him not to tell anyone else just yet. I want to do it at my own pace, obviously. And I trust him to keep the confidence. Again, another massive weight off my mind and it feels so good.

    And of course, me and Billy are still loved up. It's getting more "normal" now, if that's the right word. We're not as giddy or giggly over it as much anymore, but it's still proper amazing. We can't leave each other at all without saying "I love you", gag inducing as that might be. But nothing beats coming home from work and being able to hug the person you love. Going for walks together too is so good, even if we do get frozen walking around. Roll on the summer, ffs.


    So so happy to read how things are coming along so well for you! I check this thread everyday for updates! And i love you weekly update on how things are going! You give me hope :) and Im sure im not the only one who feels that way! Im so happy about the reaction you got from your ex and brother! You seem to be surrounded by the most wonderful people in your life! Cherish them :)


  • #45
    floggg
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,824 ✭✭✭floggg


    Tito Man! wrote: »
    Hi, everyone.

    Been over a week since I last posted, didn't realise it had been that long.

    My ex has now met my current. She was really surprised, but was delighted for the two of us. She came up to my apartment to meet us, and I kinda told her to be prepared to be a bit surprised. There was a lot of hugging, some tears and a lot of happiness throughout. I love when things go so right.

    I also told my younger brother in the last week. Like most people he was stunned. He was really silent after I told him, and I didn't dare speak. He was just staring off into space, and I thought he'd taken it really badly. I was so nervous. After a fairly long silence, he just turned to me and said "Why'd you wait so long to tell me?" We had a long conversation after that, and he cried a bit when I told him that I'd 'known' for a long time, but was too afraid to say anything.

    We always were really close when we were kids; I was the bigger brother and he always looked up to me, treated me like his hero when he was young. We never fought much, and we always were close, so he was really upset about a few things. That I was hiding it for so long, that I was unhappy for so long and that I never told him. But he's so happy for me now. I asked him not to tell anyone else just yet. I want to do it at my own pace, obviously. And I trust him to keep the confidence. Again, another massive weight off my mind and it feels so good.

    And of course, me and Billy are still loved up. It's getting more "normal" now, if that's the right word. We're not as giddy or giggly over it as much anymore, but it's still proper amazing. We can't leave each other at all without saying "I love you", gag inducing as that might be. But nothing beats coming home from work and being able to hug the person you love. Going for walks together too is so good, even if we do get frozen walking around. Roll on the summer, ffs.

    You guys are disgustingly cute!


  • #46
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Tito,

    I'm delighted things are going so well for you and yes, as floggg said above, ye are disgustingly cute. :D


  • #47
    Tito Man!
    Registered Users Posts: 93 ✭✭Tito Man!


    Hi again, everyone.

    There's going to be positives and negatives in life. Unfortunately, the last week hasn't been positive.

    Billy decided to try and tell his family. It didn't go too well. I wanted to go with him, even if just to sit in the car outside his house so I could be there for him if needed. He asked me not to, so he could be alone to tell them.

    I was waiting at home, nervous and hoping it would go well. I got my answer. He arrived home looking pale and was like a zombie. He just sat down onto the couch and burst into tears. He sobbed for about an hour straight, and all I could do was just hold him. Struggling between pure heartbreak and incredible fury.

    When he calmed down, he told me that his mother started to cry and his father just quietly told him to leave and not to come back for a while. They weren't angry, but just seemed so disappointed. He says he heard his mother saying something like "Why? Oh, why?" as he walked out. He is still so deeply upset and depressed. He is just feeling so rejected and let down. Not even his brothers (who he thought might have been more accepting of the idea) have got in touch. He isn't sure if his parents told them, but I'd be nearly certain they would have.

    I'm not going to, but the temptation is seriously there to arrive on their doorstep and f**k them from a height. He is a wonderful person and there is no reason for them to behave like this to him other than they are narrow minded bigots, and I'm just beyond furious. I'm also seeing how much it's upsetting Billy and he feels like he's let his family down and I hear him crying in he bathroom when he thinks I can't hear. It's breaking my heart.

    He's said that it's the more disappointed, calm reaction that's gotten to him. He was psyched up for a ballistic response, where they'd be angry at him. But it just sucker-punched him when they were more or less calm and he was thrown by that reaction.

    I don't know what to do. He's just been so upset and it's killing me. I feel helpless. All I can do is hold him and let him know that he does have people who love him. I love him more than anything and his friends will always be there for him. I've also said that in a few days his parents might have calmed down and want to talk to him. But how anyone could upset and destroy their own son like that is just beyond me. Particularly when he's such a sweet, wonderful, caring person and has never been anything but a good, devoted son to them.

    I seriously have never been so angry in my entire life. It's seeping into other areas of my life too (I'm angry at everyone in the last few days) and that's not good. What can I do to help him? Is there anything I can do? It's just so ****ing unfair.


  • #48
    mr.anonymous
    Registered Users Posts: 481 ✭✭mr.anonymous


    OP,

    I can't speak from experience in such situations. I do think that your situation will improve though.

    And as anyone on here will tell you, if he has you in his life he won't ever be too bad, upset, alone..


  • #49
    bikeman1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,330 ✭✭✭bikeman1


    Just be there for him, whenever he needs you. Thats the best you can do. I hope they come around. Please do remember that it is a big shock for them as well.

    They will see over time that he is still the same great guy.


  • #50
    Locker10a
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 4,187 Mod ✭✭✭✭Locker10a


    I'm sure they will calm down after a small bit of time! No parent who loves a child unconditionally can go on for long without getting in contact, accepting realities and realising there love is indeed unconditional.


  • #51
    akaspike
    Registered Users Posts: 223 ✭✭akaspike


    Your feeling this way because you’ve a strong connection to him and you don't want to see him hurt. It’s natural to feel this way. But you have to think of his parents at this point in time, they have raised him all of his life, and him coming out to them was probably the last thing they were thinking of/expecting.
    Remember this, both of you’s have each other, they're alot of people who come out and are single and don't have the support of what you can give to your boyfriend.
    Parents will take a while to adjust if they didn't expect it, and sometimes they don't come around. Time can heal most wounds, and for the ones it can’t, love can. And thats what you can offer.
    What i would say is, don't be getting all jacked up because his parents didn't welcome it, did he expect this, or did yous spend time planning it. All parents will react differently and only families know how it will really go down.
    I’d say stand back, let your partner deal with the rejection for a bit as his family may be feeling the same. Then get in touch and try to understand both sides and then re- approach it with a calm head and ask him if he needs support, but don't feel rejected if he just wants to talk to his parents by himself.
    It may be helpful to have a few support network numbers on hand for the parents just to give them a bit of support.
    Coming out can effect both sides. Sometimes both people need support no matter the outcome. I wish you guys the best.


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