Confusing situation

LegacyUser · 01-05-2008 10:11pm #1

Hey all, going unregged for this.

Split with my long term girlfriend recently. We were together for going on seven years but it just got to the stage where I couldn't see us having a future together. I ended our relationship because of this. It's tough but I'm getting through it.

That's not really why I'm posting though. I was having a chat to one of my workmates when one of the girls in the office overheard what I was saying about how my relationship was over. After that she started to send me messages asking if I was ok.

We just got chatting after that and before too long she was flirting with me, sometimes pretty explicitly but always stopping short of saying that she actually wanted something to happen. Last weekend she gave me her mobile number saying that I should get in touch if I ever wanted to talk etc.

She texted me that weekend and we got chatting. We were both drinking and at the end of it I came flat out and asked her why she was flirting and was there anything to it. She got back to me saying that she really liked me but that she was spoken for and she was sorry for any confusion.

That was fine because I said to her I just wanted to know what the story was and that was mostly true. I do find her attractive but I'd never mess around with another guy's girlfriend (obviously once I knew they were attached). Over the next couple of days she sent me a few texts saying things like "I really really like you so I hope that we're cool". I replied saying that it was cool etc and that there was really nothing to worry about.

So, back to work this week and I got a few more messages to the same effect. I just kept saying that yes, it was cool and there was honestly nothing to be embarrassed or worried about. We started chatting again and she started to open up to me and started saying that she wasn't sure if herself and her bf were going to work out. The only thing I could think to say to that was something like "I'm sure that you know in your heart whether you and your bf are going to work out".

I know I'm completely still messed up after my split and I'm not going to be getting into anything any time soon. I have to say though that I do feel something for this girl even though I've never said that to her and I probably won't, at least when she's still attached. I mainly just wanted to get this off my chest, so thanks for reading down this far of my wee saga.

missmatty · 02-05-2008 10:19am

Firstly, sorry to hear that. Seven years is a long time.

Be very careful with this one. She sounds completely manipulative and a bit of a head f**k to be honest. She obviously knows you're at a vulnerable stage and probably fancied you all along so thought she might chance her arm for a bit of extra-curricular action. Then tries to make it sound better and hedges her bets by saying her and the boyf will break up. Don't go there mate, seriously steer clear, it's not worth the cost to your mental health

kittensoft1984 · 02-05-2008 10:51am

missmatty wrote: »

Firstly, sorry to hear that. Seven years is a long time.

Be very careful with this one. She sounds completely manipulative and a bit of a head f**k to be honest. She obviously knows you're at a vulnerable stage and probably fancied you all along so thought she might chance her arm for a bit of extra-curricular action. Then tries to make it sound better and hedges her bets by saying her and the boyf will break up. Don't go there mate, seriously steer clear, it's not worth the cost to your mental health

+1

OP the last thing you need is someone like this at the moment tbh

Make it clear to her that you just want to be friends at the moment as you are still trying to get over your ex.

Raekwon · 02-05-2008 11:07am

Stay well away OP, this girl comes across as a total bunny boiler! First off she has a boyfriend, secondly she came across all flirty with you then recoiled............then she starts being all flirty again............ she is being a total c*ck teaser and is probably only doing all this to boost her low self-esteem or get some sort of ego buzz :rolleyes: I really feel sorry for her boyfriend.

Overheal · 02-05-2008 11:09am

imaginary boyfriend even.

AngryBadger · 02-05-2008 11:17am

Steer well clear OP. If she's having troubles with her boyfriend then she should break up with him before heading off poaching other fellas. I fyou were to get involved with her you could expect exactly the same treatment.

Puffin · 02-05-2008 11:29am

I’m sure that she is, deep down, a lovely and intelligent person but everyone (even lovely and intelligent people) behave like morons on occasion.

And this is her occasion.

What’s going on? It’s both obvious and clichéd. She likes you, but she also likes her boyfriend. She’s attracted to you, but she’s far from repulsed by him. She’s probably like to try out something with you, but definitely doesn’t want it to end it completely with him.

Why? That I can’t be sure about but she’s probably using you to test the single waters while convincing herself that as ‘nothing has happened’ she hasn’t done ‘anything wrong’.

Men and women both do this ‘mixed message’ thing, and it’s never charming. To be honest, I’d recommend cutting contact down to polite hellos (necessary for the workplace) and focus on heeling yourself. The last thing you need is more confusion.

Overheal · 02-05-2008 11:31am

Puffin wrote: »

I’m sure that she is, deep down, a lovely and intelligent person but everyone (even lovely and intelligent people) behave like morons on occasion.

And this is her occasion.

What’s going on? It’s both obvious and clichéd. She likes you, but she also likes her boyfriend. She’s attracted to you, but she’s far from repulsed by him. She’s probably like to try out something with you, but definitely doesn’t want it to end it completely with him.

Why? That I can’t be sure about but she’s probably using you to test the single waters while convincing herself that as ‘nothing has happened’ she hasn’t done ‘anything wrong’.

Men and women both do this ‘mixed message’ thing, and it’s never charming. To be honest, I’d recommend cutting contact down to polite hellos (necessary for the workplace) and focus on heeling yourself. The last thing you need is more confusion.

actually that kind of behavior is observed in monkeys a lot; making sure they have hold of another solid branch before letting go of the next.

How Strange · 02-05-2008 11:53am

this girl sounds like a c0ck teaser.

Picture this - 'I really like you', 'I don't want to ruin our friendship', 'I've broken up with my bf, it wasn't a good relationship', 'we're back together', 'do you want to go for a drink', 'I meant just as friends'

Honestly, even speaking as a girl, I've seen this scenario so many times. She most probably just wants you to want her. That gives her a bit of power and an ego boost but every time you make a move or ask what's going on between you she'll be frosty.

Save yourself the head f*ck trauma and hold out for a decent girl. While you're waiting just enjoy yourself.

gogglebok · 02-05-2008 12:02pm

I'm with Puffin on this one.

What's the best that could happen? She breaks up with her boyfriend, you two hit it off, and it becomes a relationship. Will you feel secure? When things get rocky will you be nervous when you see her texting someone?

I don't want to be hard on the girl. Every relationship is different, and who knows what pressures she's under. You could end up being good friends. But she's not confiding in you as a friend now. She's testing the waters for a future boyfriend, and that's not a great thing to do when you're obviously vulnerable.

I'd be kind to her, but keep your distance for a while.

seahorse · 02-05-2008 12:08pm

Overheal wrote: »

actually that kind of behavior is observed in monkeys a lot; making sure they have hold of another solid branch before letting go of the next.

Lol, yeah OP, that's exactly what this sounds like! I think you should steer clear; the last thing you need is to have your head messed with right now.

lolli · 02-05-2008 12:08pm

Op, Stay well clear, this girl is only playing mind games with you. She has a boyfriend but wants to know that you want her too because she is attracted to you. Shes just looking for an ego boost.

Take some time out and get over your break up, when the time is right you'll meet someone who isnt going to play mind games with you and who is actually single.

I know lots of girls who play these games because they like feeling "wanted" by someone other than their boyfriends, at least then they know they have other options if their relationship ever ended.

IzzyWizzy · 02-05-2008 12:28pm

Yeah, she's just messing with your head. Saw the same type of scenario a couple of years back with my now BF (previously one of my best mates). Girl kept flirting with him, holding his hand, putting her legs on him while watching movies, wanting to hang out with him all the time and when he asked her out, she said she had a BF! And yet kept behaving like that, letting on she was just a 'naturally friendly person.' And the poor guy never saw through her, and to this day thinks she's a really nice girl and was genuinely confused about her feelings. Well, nice girls aren't prick teases - of course she knew what she was doing, and so does this girl. They want the attention of another guy to make them feel like they COULD have them, while staying with the BF and they enjoy messing with your head. It's a pure ego boost. Stay well clear!

Mazeire · 02-05-2008 4:42pm

Hi op. This girl sounds like she is after no strings sex. She is assuming you are on the rebound and that you will not be after commitment again for a long time, so basically she can have a bit of fun with out the worry of you wanting a relationship/
She is of course ignoring the fact that mentally and emotionally you are all over the place (as anyone would be at the end of a 7 year relationship), you could get a box from her boyfriend if he found out and you could lose your job.
She doesn't care about her boyfrind or you. She's a manipulative selfish bint. Steer well clear and take care of yourself.

Irishcrx · 02-05-2008 4:45pm

Mazeire wrote: »

Hi op. This girl sounds like she is after no strings sex. She is assuming you are on the rebound and that you will not be after commitment again for a long time, so basically she can have a bit of fun with out the worry of you wanting a relationship/
She is of course ignoring the fact that mentally and emotionally you are all over the place (as anyone would be at the end of a 7 year relationship), you could get a box from her boyfriend if he found out and you could lose your job.
She doesn't care about her boyfrind or you. She's a manipulative selfish bint. Steer well clear and take care of yourself.

+1
Wants her cake and eating it too, to much hassle than it's worth give yourself some time to clear the head and say no thanks to this one, she's messing with you and you don't need that right now.

LegacyUser · 02-05-2008 5:53pm

Thanks all,

Pretty much confirms what I was thinking

There's no way I could imagine being with anyone else for a while anyway. She's still quite flirty but I'm keeping it as friends. The fact that we work together would make things very awkward too if any of the scenarios above actually came to pass.

Anyway it is most likely better for me to just look after myself for a while with no complications. Thanks everyone!

Confusing situation

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