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Can we move on??

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  • 22-04-2008 11:14am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Basically i've been with my bf for 3 years on and off,we've had alot of problems throughout this time.

    in the past i have found my bf on the internet in chatrooms and dating sites and we have broken up several times because of this and i have confronted him about and he said that he dont know why he does it and he would nt do it again

    we had an argument a few weeks ago and my bf told me to get out, ( i stay in his housemost days) , now to me it wasnt a big argument,it was just a tiff,but we didnt speak for a few days so i came out to his house to collect my things and i was on our laptop to get my files and things of it and found he was on another dating agency and he his profile was like somebody i didnt know, he had put down he wanted kids, even though for 3 years he has stated he doesnt want kids with me or anybody, even though he has kids from his marriage, he put down his age over 10 years younger than he was, basically alot of stuff he put down that were lies, including saying his last relationship was his marriage which is a lie because he's been with me for 3 years,i text him about this and he responded that it was nothing to do with me what he does, i took my stuff and left, he then text and rang and pleaded with meto come and talk to him, that he had made a mistake, so i went and spoke to him and decided to mahe another go of it, because i love himso much, then the next day i picked up the laptop because he asked me to send some work files to him and found an open page of a new email account that he created and he sent an email to a girl from here giving her his number for her to text him on

    I left him again, in bits over all of this and he rang and pleaded and was upset and saying that he loved me, only me and he now realised how much he did love me and how sorry he was

    i took him back and were back together 2 weeks now and the trust thing is still an issue for me and i keep thinking of all the lies he had written in his profile and the fact he emailed a girl his number, was i mad to take him back??? can trust ever come back??? Sorry this post is so long but any advice would be very appreciated


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    #2
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    Why do you go back to him ?


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    #3
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    I think you need to have absolute openness & honesty in your relationship from now on to regain the trust. You've told him before that he's crossing boundaries & he's completely ignored you but maybe this time he means it & will change, who knows? Hope he does.

    With all the billions of people in the world to choose from, I'm not sure why people get hooked on making it work with partners who are less than faithful, honest or loving but meh, that's just me. :)


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    #4
    Irishcrx
    Registered Users Posts: 2,861 ✭✭✭Irishcrx


    I'm sorry but this guy sounds like a creep, he has shown you no respect at all, lied to you and will continue to do so...I would leave him and never look back.


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    #5
    Maggie Simpson
    Registered Users Posts: 110 ✭✭Maggie Simpson


    952496 wrote: »

    in the past i have found my bf on the internet in chatrooms and dating sites and we have broken up several times because of this and i have confronted him about and he said that he dont know why he does it and he would nt do it again


    This could be your answer. If you've broken up several times over this and he continues to do it, why do you think this time will be different?


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    #6
    Seraphina
    Registered Users Posts: 2,875 ✭✭✭Seraphina


    he's lied to you god knows how many times, and you still go back to him

    you will get hurt, and i have no sympathy.

    grow up, be strong, cop on and realise that no matter how much you love this guy, he does not love or respect you, and it will only end in your tears.

    in short, yes you are mad to take him back.

    in fairness though, from all this breaking up and making up shit, you sound like a teenager, or at least like you have the mental/emotional age of a teenager, and i would expect that kind of madness from a teenager


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    #7
    funloving
    Closed Accounts Posts: 396 ✭✭funloving


    Don't waste your time..he will NEVER change...people don't, esp when they are forgiven all the time as they never learn the lesson


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    #8
    funloving
    Closed Accounts Posts: 396 ✭✭funloving


    Seraphina wrote: »
    he's lied to you god knows how many times, and you still go back to him

    you will get hurt, and i have no sympathy.

    grow up, be strong, cop on and realise that no matter how much you love this guy, he does not love or respect you, and it will only end in your tears.

    in short, yes you are mad to take him back.

    in fairness though, from all this breaking up and making up shit, you sound like a teenager, or at least like you have the mental/emotional age of a teenager, and i would expect that kind of madness from a teenager
    She simply loves him a lot and she hopes he will see sense and never do those things again...

    Don't judge her plz


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    #9
    Irishcrx
    Registered Users Posts: 2,861 ✭✭✭Irishcrx


    I understand that you love this guy , but staying will only continue to see you hurt , if he loved you he wouldn't be lieing and hanging around on dating sites looking to cheat on you that's what people are doing on them sites no matter what they tell you.


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    #10
    Fifilefleure
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43 ✭Fifilefleure


    funloving wrote: »
    She simply loves him a lot and she hopes he will see sense and never do those things again...

    Don't judge her plz

    But how many times must she keep taking him back to find out? How many times will she get hurt? She doesn't think she can trust him, as she keeps thinking back on the lies etc. Without trust - what is the point?! Maybe she can.. maybe she can't.

    OP needs to be honest with herself & whether or not he is worth it!!


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    #11
    funloving
    Closed Accounts Posts: 396 ✭✭funloving


    Jiggle wrote: »
    But how many times must she keep taking him back to find out? How many times will she get hurt? She doesn't think she can trust him, as she keeps thinking back on the lies etc. Without trust - what is the point?! Maybe she can.. maybe she can't.

    OP needs to be honest with herself & whether or not he is worth it!!

    The best she can do to herself is breaking up with him for good.
    She doesnt deserve to get hurt like this and I know how much upsetting this is .
    It's clear he doesnt love her, otherwise he woundn't hurt her like this and he wouldnt do things behind her back


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    His argument to me the last time (in the past two weeks)was we werent together so its none of my business.

    I want to believe him more than anything i do, and in the past two weeks his whole attitude towards me has changed, i had pointed out in our chat that i wont tolerate anymore the way he speaks to me and treats me in general,and he has changed in the past few weeks, and he had the internet disconnected and changed his sim number, so i do believe he's trying just its still kinda niggling at me,and i dont want our relationship to be arguments and me throwing it back in his face the whole time and then wondering what he's going to do

    Also i am not a teenager, we've had petty childisha arguments where both of us are stubborn and i stay in my house for a few days and he stays in his, i found in the past that it had worked or us because we'd end up saying more stupid things to hurt each other if we stayed in each others company, but i appreciate what people are saying and from an outsider it does look childish, just wanted peoples opinion as to whether or not trust can be gained back really


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    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Maggie Simpson wrote: »
    This could be your answer. If you've broken up several times over this and he continues to do it, why do you think this time will be different?


    He has promised me he will change,he has disconnected the internet from his laptop, he has changed his sim card,he has changed his whole manner and the way he is with me, and that shows me he is trying, something he has never done in the past 3 years,just made empty promises and i'd believe him and then discover months later he was at it again, but he seems to be making a genuine effort this time and has said he will do anything to make it work


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    #14
    Maggie Simpson
    Registered Users Posts: 110 ✭✭Maggie Simpson


    952496 wrote: »
    He has promised me he will change,he has disconnected the internet from his laptop, he has changed his sim card,he has changed his whole manner and the way he is with me, and that shows me he is trying, something he has never done in the past 3 years,just made empty promises and i'd believe him and then discover months later he was at it again, but he seems to be making a genuine effort this time and has said he will do anything to make it work

    Only you know whether you can believe him......if it was me, I have to say I wouldn't, as in MY experience people don't often change but you seem to want to believe him. It's obvious you want to give him a chance......


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    #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Maggie Simpson wrote: »
    Only you know whether you can believe him......if it was me, I have to say I wouldn't, as in MY experience people don't often change but you seem to want to believe him. It's obvious you want to give him a chance......

    I do want to.......but dont want to end up regretting it

    thanks for the advice


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    #16
    chuci
    Closed Accounts Posts: 938 ✭✭✭chuci


    if it were me he would not be getting another chance but its up to you. im sure you love him but is it worth all this agro? if you would like kids and an open honest relationship id find someone i could have it with. he sounds very immature and a bit of a creep.


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    #17
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    chuci wrote: »
    if it were me he would not be getting another chance but its up to you. im sure you love him but is it worth all this agro? if you would like kids and an open honest relationship id find someone i could have it with. he sounds very immature and a bit of a creep.

    Have been asking myself the same question for the past two weeks and just keep wondering will i learn to trust him again, but another part of me is kinda resentful because of what he;s done and the hurt and pain he has put me through but am definetly gonna take on board everyones advice

    thanks


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    #18
    Seraphina
    Registered Users Posts: 2,875 ✭✭✭Seraphina


    you say he's changed in the past two weeks, so you think things will be different.

    i'm sorry, but this kind of thing often happens. people say they will change and they really make an effort for a couple of weeks or a month or two, then everything will go back to the way it was. he'll have to get the internet on his laptop for work or something, or you'll find he's being going to internet cafes or something instead.

    it really sounds like you've already made your decision. i personally don't understand how you can claim to love someone who lies to you and doesn't seem to have any respect for you. i reckon you just want us all to tell you he's changed and to give him another chance.

    he's lying about his age by 10 years? so i'm guessing he must be at least at the 30 mark (he wouldn't feel the need to and wouldn't get away with it otherwise) and frankly, if he's still pulling **** like this at that age, he's never going to grow out of it.

    i'm sorry but you sound so desperate to be loved and in a relationship, that you just can't see whats going on here.


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    #19
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Seraphina wrote: »
    you say he's changed in the past two weeks, so you think things will be different.

    i'm sorry, but this kind of thing often happens. people say they will change and they really make an effort for a couple of weeks or a month or two, then everything will go back to the way it was. he'll have to get the internet on his laptop for work or something, or you'll find he's being going to internet cafes or something instead.

    it really sounds like you've already made your decision. i personally don't understand how you can claim to love someone who lies to you and doesn't seem to have any respect for you. i reckon you just want us all to tell you he's changed and to give him another chance.

    he's lying about his age by 10 years? so i'm guessing he must be at least at the 30 mark (he wouldn't feel the need to and wouldn't get away with it otherwise) and frankly, if he's still pulling **** like this at that age, he's never going to grow out of it.

    i'm sorry but you sound so desperate to be loved and in a relationship, that you just can't see whats going on here.

    Firstly he's in his 40's, theres a big age gap between us, yeah i know it sounds bad

    Secondly i never once thought he didnt respect(until now)me, i put it down to maybe he was unhappy or was just bored, because we've had our ups and downs throughout the past 3 years, it hasnt all been bad, there have been times it has been great between us, it was the lies i dont understand because i am very honest person

    Thirdly i am not desperate to be loved i just didnt want to give up on 3 years of a relationship if i thought he could honestly change and if it gave him the kick up the arse he needs, just trying to find out if others have been in similar situations with the trust thing and has it worked for them


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    #20
    Wagon
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,119 ✭✭✭Wagon


    952496 wrote: »
    Thirdly i am not desperate to be loved i just didnt want to give up on 3 years of a relationship if i thought he could honestly change and if it gave him the kick up the arse he needs

    Ouch, sorry to hear all the troubles but I'm a little confused. I'd say that getting caught once is a kick up the arse but this has happened a few times. You won't have wasted 3 years of a relationship once you learn from it. There's no point lying to yourself, if you cant trust the chap then get out of it. Those doubts will always be there.


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    #21
    chuci
    Closed Accounts Posts: 938 ✭✭✭chuci


    952496 wrote: »
    Firstly he's in his 40's, theres a big age gap between us, yeah i know it sounds bad

    Secondly i never once thought he didnt respect(until now)me, i put it down to maybe he was unhappy or was just bored, because we've had our ups and downs throughout the past 3 years, it hasnt all been bad, there have been times it has been great between us, it was the lies i dont understand because i am very honest person

    Thirdly i am not desperate to be loved i just didnt want to give up on 3 years of a relationship if i thought he could honestly change and if it gave him the kick up the arse he needs, just trying to find out if others have been in similar situations with the trust thing and has it worked for them

    its not fair to give up what you want in life (kids trust etc) just for someone like him. fair enough caught out once most people can deal with that and get over it as most couples have their ups and downs. but another time and for him to tell you it was none of your business because ye were "on a break" is the most immature response. he is 40 he would want to cop himself on and concentrate on the things that are important and sadly op it doesnt seem like your one of them.
    get out and enjoy yourself. it can be hard to trust someone new all over again but when you meet someone who genuinely cares about you its the best feeling in the world. show him the door and concentrate on yourself for a few months.
    if you feel you will have trouble trusting again after this time alone maybe talk it through with a professional. good luck op you sound like a nice person who needs more respect than what your getting.


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    #22
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    chuci wrote: »
    its not fair to give up what you want in life (kids trust etc) just for someone like him. fair enough caught out once most people can deal with that and get over it as most couples have their ups and downs. but another time and for him to tell you it was none of your business because ye were "on a break" is the most immature response. he is 40 he would want to cop himself on and concentrate on the things that are important and sadly op it doesnt seem like your one of them.
    get out and enjoy yourself. it can be hard to trust someone new all over again but when you meet someone who genuinely cares about you its the best feeling in the world. show him the door and concentrate on yourself for a few months.
    if you feel you will have trouble trusting again after this time alone maybe talk it through with a professional. good luck op you sound like a nice person who needs more respect than what your getting.


    thanks for the advice

    i know deep down what everyone says is true and i know i deserve better


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    #23
    DD
    Registered Users Posts: 327 ✭✭DD


    Was a stupid thing to do making up again.


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    #24
    Overheal
    Registered Users Posts: 81,855 ✭✭✭✭Overheal


    952496 wrote: »
    He has promised me he will change,he has disconnected the internet from his laptop, he has changed his sim card,he has changed his whole manner and the way he is with me, and that shows me he is trying, something he has never done in the past 3 years,just made empty promises and i'd believe him and then discover months later he was at it again, but he seems to be making a genuine effort this time and has said he will do anything to make it work

    Just be ready to have your heart broken then. If it works out, great, but if it doesnt it will likely tear you apart. I'm just saying be ready for that.

    Personally I would leave but its your perogative.


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    #25
    Rb
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,277 ✭✭✭✭Rb


    Irishcrx wrote: »
    I'm sorry but this guy sounds like a creep, he has shown you no respect at all, lied to you and will continue to do so...I would leave him and never look back.
    I agree with this. Sounds like a right sleaze and judging by the sounds of things, this isn't going to change no matter what he says. So you've disconnected his internet, he could start sticking ads in the personals or something. I'd just get away from the situation tbh.


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