Haunted by the past

UnregGirl · 16-04-2008 1:55am #1

I don't know how this will all come out, but bear with me..

Between the ages of 9 and about 11 i was repeatedly sexually abused by my father's friend. This occurred on a weekly basis. I didn't tell anybody, I was terrified, as he would constantly threaten me etc. I don't need to go into all the gory details, that's not going to help much. Anyway I managed to suppress all of these memories, and they only really started to surface when I met my now husband, we've been together since we were teenagers, and we were both virgins when we met.

So when we began having sex all those years ago, all of these memories started to resurface. Basically i got so upset at times, that i had to come clean and tell him everything. He's an extremely kind, loving man, so he didn't have a problem with being patient with me. Although I remember once he got quite upset himself, as when he looked at me he said i looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Anyway with time, things got much better, and sex with him was, is, amazing. I was able to let myself go completely, he's gentle, responsive, and everything i could wish for. Sex no longer felt like a bad thing, and we became quite adventurous.

So 10 years on, and everything is still great in that department. Except for one thing. Those images have come back to haunt me. Its been going on for about a year now, where halfway through having sex with my husband I'd get a flashback of that man's face, or particular instances that occured around that time. I don't have too many specific memories of what happened then, most are buried, but the few I do have, keep replaying in my mind. And since the mind works in pictures, images of him at my bedroom door, zip undone etc keep replaying. And i'm sorry to be so crude and blunt about it, i think the reason i'm writing like this is because i feel somewhat detached from it, but certain things about those scenarios are even more disturbing now, for example, at the age of 9 i wouldnt have realised that a man would have to be excited to be hard, but all those times he exposed himself to me meant he obviously was, even before he laid a finger on me, and that makes me sick to my stomach.

Anyway all i want is for those images to go away. Like I said they come and go, but they've haunted me for the last 3 nights with him. I just want to enjoy being close and loving to my husband, and not to freak out halfway through making love to him, or end up totally sidetracked during it and wishing it was over. I have tried talking to a counsellor about it but i dont feel comfortable.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

krankykitty · 16-04-2008 8:00am

I'm sorry this has happened to you, no child deserves to go through that.
Traumatic memories like that usually don't go away by simply detaching and burying them. It can work very well for a time, but eventually these things have a way of working themselves to the surface, as you have seen yourself with the flashbacks that you've been getting when with your husband.

It sounds like you are really wanting to get through this for the sake of your future happiness and your relationship with your husband, but I think it might be really difficult to do that without proper help, even with the support of your husband. I know you said you saw a counsellor and weren't comfortable, but could you perhaps try another one? Sometimes you need to try a few to get one that suits you.

The Rape Crisis Centre or the National Counselling Service provide free counselling for survivors if you wanted to give it another try. (Linky below)

http://www.drcc.ie/
http://www.hse-ncs.ie/en/

I wish you the very best of luck

Marksie · 16-04-2008 8:33am

I would endorse going back to a counsellor and working through these issues. they appear to be surfacing for some reason. It may now be time to deal with what happened.

It may also be time to talk to your husband that it has happened again, if it continues he may notice something and believe he is the cause.

All the best

UnregGirl · 16-04-2008 11:21am

Thanks, I will tell my husband it's happening again, but I really don't want to start trailing through all of that again with a counsellor. I just wish there was something I could do to keep focussed on my husband and not let my mind wander like that.

Dudess · 16-04-2008 11:31am

OP, please, please reconsider counselling. What happened to you is so horrific that I don't think you are equipped to deal with it alone. You attempted to already and seemed to make a good job of things, but obviously all is not sorted yet. That's not meant as disrespectful but it really seems like it's time for a professional to intervene. I know you don't feel comfortable talking about such intimate stuff with a stranger, but counsellors are trained to listen to anything - doesn't matter what. I've no doubt there's some underlying shame on your part too. To anyone looking in from the outside, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Counsellors spend years and years training and working before qualifying, they are not going to judge. I just don't think you can reconcile this on your own so please talk to a professional.

Best wishes.

Beruthiel · 16-04-2008 11:34am

UnregGirl wrote: »

I have tried talking to a counsellor about it but i dont feel comfortable.

I would urge you to keep trying until you find one you are comfortable with.
Horrific images like that need to be delt with, you need a good professional to help you learn how to deal with them.
Self help with such a trauma will only get you so far. You deserve to be able to put this behind you as much as you can and learn how to live with it. Get yourself help.
My heart goes out to you.

Wibbs · 16-04-2008 11:34am

Plus one for Dudess' advice. You have some amazing strength to get through something like that, pretty much on your own too(with the help of your guy). Every day you have lived and the life that you have built with a loving partner is a victory over that man and those times. Don't let his evil acts continue to have power over you. I think the counsellor is the way to go.

UnregGirl · 16-04-2008 11:38am

Thanks Dudess and everyone who replied. Apart from not particularly relishing the idea of telling a stranger, i have sought counselling for post natal depression recently, so i know i could do it, but i think the main thing thats stopping me is that i dont want to re live it all. And also i only remember a limited amount of details and i'm afraid talking about it will open a can of worms for me.

And yes, i suppose there is quite a bit of shame involved, why didn't i do anything about it? Why wasn't i strong enough to stand up to him and tell someone? Did i encourage it in any way? Did i like the attention? God its just sick even thinking that but that's what goes through my head.

Dewie · 16-04-2008 11:49am

It's obvious that you are one of the lucky ones, in a sense, in that you have an understanding and compassionate partner. This does not make up for those horrible things that happened when you were a child.

Noboby, who has not experienced what you have gone through, can possibly understand the torment that you are experiencing. I will not relay my own experiences here, but I will say that I see it as a relapse, and these memories will probably get worse before they get better, if you know what I mean. I believe you should definately look for counselling and/or help from a support group. Although the memories will not go away, you will know how to cope with them.

I wish you and your family the best of everything.

Loopy · 16-04-2008 12:15pm

UnregGirl wrote: »

Thanks Dudess and everyone who replied. Apart from not particularly relishing the idea of telling a stranger, i have sought counselling for post natal depression recently, so i know i could do it, but i think the main thing thats stopping me is that i dont want to re live it all. And also i only remember a limited amount of details and i'm afraid talking about it will open a can of worms for me.

And yes, i suppose there is quite a bit of shame involved, why didn't i do anything about it? Why wasn't i strong enough to stand up to him and tell someone? Did i encourage it in any way? Did i like the attention? God its just sick even thinking that but that's what goes through my head.

The truth at first will crucify you, but in the end it will free you.

Its horrific what you have been through but as the others have said, you 'need' to offload all this. Its buried in your sub-consious and its surfacing now. My heart really goes out to you but feel you need to find a good counsellor to deal with this. Good Luck..

Dudess · 16-04-2008 1:10pm

UnregGirl wrote: »

Thanks Dudess and everyone who replied. Apart from not particularly relishing the idea of telling a stranger, i have sought counselling for post natal depression recently, so i know i could do it, but i think the main thing thats stopping me is that i dont want to re live it all. And also i only remember a limited amount of details and i'm afraid talking about it will open a can of worms for me.

Perfectly understandable. What you should keep bearing in mind though is that counsellors know all of this and are prepared for people being uncomfortable, not ready to re-live etc. And therefore they use techniques to help such people - they are going to be gentle and they won't force anything. It needs to be at your pace, not theirs.

And yes, i suppose there is quite a bit of shame involved, why didn't i do anything about it? Why wasn't i strong enough to stand up to him and tell someone? Did i encourage it in any way? Did i like the attention? God its just sick even thinking that but that's what goes through my head.

Classic response to sexual abuse. If there's one thing I've learned it's that you could be the best giver of advice in the world yet unable to practise it when it comes to yourself. That's because it's difficult to have perspective and objectivity when it comes to ourselves. So, as someone who does have perspective and objectivity, I'll tell you this: you have NOTHING to feel ashamed of. You were a small child who was being threatened by a grown man, how on earth could you have been strong enough to stand up to him and tell someone?
There is no responsibility on your part whatsoever. Your only crime was being a little girl and it's breaking my heart that you - or anyone - had to go through this. And if he had manipulative ways of making you feel "special" because of the attention, then that was his doing - not yours. You were a small child who barely knew what sex was. How could you possibly have known it was wrong when he did his best to convince you it wasn't?

You seem so strong - even going by the stuff you're saying now. I don't think you're as incapable of reflecting back on it as you think you are.

UnregGirl · 16-04-2008 2:08pm

I suppose I am a strong person, most of the time anyway. I've had to deal with more than my fair share of crap in the past and come through it in one piece. And yes, he was so manipulative. I can see that now. And he was brazen about it too. The majority of time these instances took place when my parents were close by. I remember once he followed me into out garden shed and after what seemed like an eternity, he heard a noise and i remember seeing him peering out through a crack in the top of the door and then grabbing a bicycle pump to pretend he was fixing my bike tyre.

I suppose i'm able to say what i'm saying now because when i think of it, i feel numb, and almost detached, so I can be matter of fact about it. I also know that there are an awful lot of people out there who have had it far worse than i have.

smiler26 · 16-04-2008 2:09pm

Hi OP,

I agree 100% with the advice above. At the moment, someone very close to be is suffering unbearably. She wasd raped 10 years ago, but buried it for years and didnt tell anyone except her husband. Then, something similar happened to someone she knew recently and it all came flooding back. She left it too late to get help, and now dealing with this trauma is horrific for her. She is stuck in a more or less constant flashback, and completely debilitated by this.

Please please please get some help. If you deal with this now, you will be able to progress through life naturally. If you let it fester, you could be doing serious harm to your self. I've had to watch this person who I love and adore go through hell in the last number of months.

good luck x

UnregGirl · 16-04-2008 2:15pm

I'm really sorry to hear about your friend Smiler26, I really hope she gets through it. I kind of know how she must be feeling because this happened almost 20 yrs ago for me and it's not pleasant when it resurfaces.

LegacyUser · 16-04-2008 6:21pm

hi OP i've been there too. a similar story to yourself actually. it takes a lot of courage to seek counselling but i can assure you that you can learn how to deal with these flashbacks and memories if you try.

UnregGirl · 17-04-2008 11:21am

I'll certainly try and come round to the idea of counselling. I ended up having some bad dreams about it last night, these have come and go in the past, which weren't pleasant at all.

Commonsense · 17-04-2008 4:53pm

You are very brave
But kind to yourself, get someone to help you
You dont have to let these flashbacks control your sex life

LegacyUser · 18-04-2008 12:55am

My heart goes out to you. I was in a similar situation. I felt, and still feel at times that because of the sense of detatchment that there would be no point in counselling, but then also its too difficult finding the words. Like you, I go from the extremes, I could think about it and not feel a thing, or all of a sudden it would come to me, and I'd be floored for days. My heart really goes out to you. If counselling is not an option for you at the moment, what has helped me significantly, even though I think its an on-going process, is reiki. You dont have to talk to the person if you dont want to. Its a non-invasive technique, where the therapist places their hands on or over your chakras-they dont have to touch you-and it can help to heal. They work down through your body. A lot of emotions and memories I didnt even know I had came up during these treatments, and I feel were healed by it, or at I was lifted out from under it and able to live my life again.
I hope you find what you need to get through this. Just remember that you are not alone in what has happened to you, and this by no means lessens your pain, but you have made it this far for a reason. You will get past this.

UnregGirl · 18-04-2008 9:37am

Keepongoing wrote: »

My heart goes out to you. I was in a similar situation. I felt, and still feel at times that because of the sense of detatchment that there would be no point in counselling, but then also its too difficult finding the words. Like you, I go from the extremes, I could think about it and not feel a thing, or all of a sudden it would come to me, and I'd be floored for days. My heart really goes out to you. If counselling is not an option for you at the moment, what has helped me significantly, even though I think its an on-going process, is reiki. You dont have to talk to the person if you dont want to. Its a non-invasive technique, where the therapist places their hands on or over your chakras-they dont have to touch you-and it can help to heal. They work down through your body. A lot of emotions and memories I didnt even know I had came up during these treatments, and I feel were healed by it, or at I was lifted out from under it and able to live my life again.
I hope you find what you need to get through this. Just remember that you are not alone in what has happened to you, and this by no means lessens your pain, but you have made it this far for a reason. You will get past this.

Thank you so much. Reiki is actually something I have considered in the past, not for this problem, as i didnt realise it could help, but just in general. But what was stopping me was what you were kind of describing there - that emotions and memories you didnt know you had re surfaced, and i was terrified at the thought of this, as i heard people just burst out crying throughout the treatment and i think if that happened it'd be like a dam bursting and i wouldnt be able to stop!

krankykitty · 18-04-2008 9:51am

There's a theory that trauma, such as what you experienced, can be held in the body in the form of unspent energy. Seeing as Reiki works on energy, perhaps it could help towards your healing..

I would imagine that Reiki practitioners are well used to people having such experiences during the treatment and crying, and I'm sure they would be understanding.

I think you're very brave and I really hope that you can find something to help you work through this, be it counselling, reiki or something else.

LegacyUser · 18-04-2008 9:59am

Well if it is any help, yes there can be crying (sometimes an understatement!) during the treatment but its not the kind where you are despairing for yourself if you know what I mean. It's like it comes up and you cry about it, but it doesn't stay there repeating itself. It doesn't feel depressive, and hopeless. It usually just lifts off and that's it gone. Once the therapist closes that chakra, you don't feel the need to cry anymore. Now if there is more to cry about, it can come up for a couple of days after the treatment, but it's the same kind of crying, where it comes up, and then you release it.
It isn't easy. But I have found that you only remember things or experience emotions when you are able to deal with them. It's like it breaks it down bit by bit, when you are able to handle it.
I hope that was some help.

UnregGirl · 18-04-2008 10:23am

Thanks krankykitty and keepongoing, I think I will definitly try Reiki. Your right in saying that these things surface when you are most able to deal with them, and where as a year ago I wouldn't have entertained the idea of counselling for any reason, and was afraid of what Reiki would bring up, now I am feeling much stronger, have already sought counselling for other reasons, so i know i can deal with whatever feelings surface.

You described exactly how i was feeling about counselling keepongoing when you mentioned how feeling detached and not being able to find the words makes the idea of counselling difficult. But thanks so much for putting the idea of Reiki into my head. I am definitly going to find a practitioner and go.

AngryBadger · 18-04-2008 10:39am

As Marksie said going back to a counsellor would be a good move, it might be worth trying a different one, or different oens to find someone who can really help you.

Sorry I don't have much more to offer than that, but I'm glad you found someone as supportive and loving as your husband is. You're obviously two remarkably strong people who were fortunate enough to find each other.

Good luck OP.

UnregGirl · 18-04-2008 11:04am

Thanks AngryBadger, I do feel incredibly lucky. Sometimes though i feel awful that he got stuck with someone so screwed up as me! I think his life would be a lot easier if he was with someone else..

krankykitty · 18-04-2008 11:49am

I'm sure he doesn't see it that way. I don't think you're "screwed up", just dealing as best you can with circumstances that many people can't even fathom.
It must be hard for him to see you in pain, but I'm sure he knows you're doing your best to get through it,for the sake of your marriage as well as for yourself.

Maybe it might be helpful also to have a talk with him about this again? Marriage is all about being there for each other.

Take care!

catie · 18-04-2008 3:04pm

Hello, luv

Ur story touches me so much coz i've bn thru the same horrible thing for years from the age of 9 til the age of 17& 1/2. I am 38 now & it is gettin harder to liv a normal life coz i avnt done some serious therapy talkin. Nd to do ths FAST.

Ive bn told to get counselling but u need to talk to one especialised in child abuse. That is what i av to do v soon bfr gtn involved however. Bcoz, it all comes back.

Believe me it is NOT ur fault in anyway, thiz people who rape kids make me MAD they always blame the kids they rape BUT they ARE so WEAK!, thz people I say!

Dnt worry, we all pay for the bad things we do.

God truly helps me with dealing wth such horribles flashbacks, however, I need to get some serious HELP if I want to av a normal life, whatever normal IS.

I'm all years if u nd to let it all out.

catie · 18-04-2008 3:13pm

Pls dont try REIKI, cos u r left at someone's mercy while lying on a bed :mad:wth ur eyes shut while s/he prays to his postered Indian Master.

Anythin can be done to u.:mad::(:confused:

Marksie · 18-04-2008 3:17pm

Catie could you please not use text speak. I will delete any further posts shoud you continue to do so.

Please read the charter as regards such usage.

estar · 18-04-2008 11:11pm

i think you were right to be frank and write down what is upsetting you

so if you can write it, with the right counsellor you can speak about it

it would appear that you are ready to make peace with the past and
confront it also

its important that now you are in a safe place that you give yourself
the time and space to deal with this issue with the support of your husband

i really do wish you all the best, and i think that it is very possible you
can with therapy put these issues to rest

well done on handling the issue so well so far, and not letting it
control you too much

you are doing amazingly well you just dont realise it, now you need
expert support

UnregGirl · 19-04-2008 10:53pm

Thanks so much estar for those encouraging words. Everyone here is so kind and the supportive words are really giving me a boost and helping to sway me towards making a decision on how to deal with it once and for all.

Abi · 20-04-2008 9:37am

Marksie wrote: »

I would endorse going back to a counsellor and working through these issues. they appear to be surfacing for some reason. It may now be time to deal with what happened.

It may also be time to talk to your husband that it has happened again, if it continues he may notice something and believe he is the cause.

I agree with Marksie. It is very important that your husband understands that he plays no part in this; that you are going to go to a counsellor because you have a bit of unfinished business to see to.

Because this is exactly why it has come back in my opinion. Its not about supressing the past. You have to take it head on.

I think a couple of sessions by yourself at first, and then I hope the husband would agree to come in. It will educate him on how to handle this rather than self-blame.

OP I think people overly apologising that this happened to you is playing you into the poor victim corner. So Im not going to. What happened to you is not your fault, and you need to become quite strong to beat this. I hope you went to the police about this man, that would make a damn good start.

You are lucky to have a wonderful supportive man in your life, and to balance things out you need to help yourself.

Instead of sorry, I wish you the best of luck in the future OP.

UnregGirl · 20-04-2008 2:15pm

Thanks for the sound advice Abigayle. The thing thats also eating me up is the fact that i told no one about it. To this day I've only told my husband, and one other guy who used to be a good friend and who I've recently fallen out with, so i really regret confiding in him. The man was quite old at the time, which was twenty years ago so I've kind of presumed, or hoped, he's dead now.

StandnDeliver · 20-04-2008 3:14pm

estar wrote: »

i think you were right to be frank and write down what is upsetting you

so if you can write it, with the right counsellor you can speak about it

it would appear that you are ready to make peace with the past and
confront it also

its important that now you are in a safe place that you give yourself
the time and space to deal with this issue with the support of your husband

i really do wish you all the best, and i think that it is very possible you
can with therapy put these issues to rest

well done on handling the issue so well so far, and not letting it
control you too much

you are doing amazingly well you just dont realise it, now you need
expert support

i like this posters advice,i always found writing down what was going on in my head a good way to let it the problem out of my head,it felt so much better that it was out.Crying is good,it lets all of the bad/negative feelings out and there is no shame in it.Most people think once they start they wont stop but trust me you will.
I wish you luck OP I think your very brave,posting this thread. It is the start to finding you,helping you and your hubbie,and well putting the past in the past where it belongs.The hardest thing is to start but your already on the path!

Profiler · 20-04-2008 3:16pm

OP - my heart goes out to you, it really does.

For what it's worth and please know I am not an expert by any definition, what I am saying is based only on my own rambling existence but the fact that you confirm you've sought counseling for post natal depression recently might have been the trigger for you.

Your new baby is so vulnerable and so dependent on you perhaps this is what is bringing all the flashbacks to your mind. Then again maybe I'm way off the mark here.

However what I do know for sure is all those who have suggested that you speak to a counselor are spot on.

All the best, hope you get past this very soon, stay strong.

Abi · 20-04-2008 5:28pm

UnregGirl wrote: »

which was twenty years ago so I've kind of presumed, or hoped, he's dead now.

I think this could be what is eating you up. This man will never see justice if he is dead. You've had some really happy times of late with your husband, cling on to those. I think you subconsciencely knew that this mans time was up and that uneasy feeling could have led to the flash-backs.

Thats my guess anyway. Honestly, I know it seems like an effort to go and talk to someone about it, but they are trained to listen not judge. Your conversations are confidential, and its someone that is 'outside the box'. Confiding in people you know very well is a double-edged sword. While everything is rosey they will lend a sympathetic ear. But you could fall out with them and there is a risk they would tell all and sundry.

Thats not to say you shouldnt talk to your husband about it, the complete opposite. That is why you should include him after a couple of sessions I think. You would probably like to get a good footing with a professional yourself first, feel comfortable with him / her.

UnregGirl · 20-04-2008 7:31pm

I think its probably a combination of the two, profiler and abigayle. And on the subject of who to trust, you couldn't be more right. This guy that i confided in was one of my best friends in the world six months ago and now he pretty much hates my guts. I am concerned about him keeping it to himself because just recently i found out he had forwarded on a text i sent him to his mother of all people. And then i found it posted up on After Hours. So this is what i'm dealing with...

Abi · 20-04-2008 7:42pm

UnregGirl wrote: »

i found out he had forwarded on a text i sent him to his mother of all people. And then i found it posted up on After Hours. So this is what i'm dealing with...

Wtf?! I hope you msg'd a moderater on this?! :eek:

And if you can pin this guy on sending this text, Id have him for it. You don't have to talk to the gardai about the truth behind it, but surely this is defamation .. or something ?!

I cannot believe you are going through this after what you've had to deal with. This could have a hell of a lot to do with why you are getting your flash backs Unregirl. One of the people that was your emotion crutch has fcked you over. Hate your guts or not, I'd march right up to this man and ask him what the hell he thinks hes doing. Or have you spoke to him about this since?! What an evil bástard.

UnregGirl · 21-04-2008 4:10pm

Just to clarify it wasn't a text related to the sex abuse, it was a text sent during one of our many arguements over the last 4 months, and it was the ridiculing way he referred to it that was most horrible. He also broke my confidence about my post natal depression when he knew i wanted it kept under wraps as his family have close ties with my family. He's also my baby's godfather. What a mistake. Its an awful situation and i even started a thread on it at the time i was most upset- "how do you phase out a friend.." so i won't go into it all here. In fact, when i started this thread i was considering going unreg for that very reason, as i felt like people would think i was a right nut job if they remembered my previous posts! But then i said to hell with it. So he'll no doubt read this and be even more livid with me. But I've really nothing to lose any more. I was a bit upset over the whole friendship thing but then i fell into a deep sleep and dreamt i was running through this pitch black tunnel, and i was scared stiff. It appeared to be the middle of the night, but then when i reached the end i was greeted with this blinding sunlight. So there's no prizes for guessing what that meant. And i feel a whole lot calmer now.

Abi · 21-04-2008 7:57pm

Im glad you are feeling a bit calmer. But do get some help whatever you do. I dont mean to sound funny, but you dont want this sneaking back up on you when least expect it. Give yourself and your husband a good sporting chance at sticking together and keeping the lines of communication open.
Communication and trust is key in any relationship, regardless of the problem - not to make little of your experience of course.

And as for whoever you had the run in with, shit has a way of coming back around. What you give out you get back, thats what I firmly believe.

I didnt go looking for your other thread, I dont feel the need. Its pointless digging. But if I may offer a word of advice to you both; put down your keyboards / swords and talk to one another. It takes a wise and humble person to take extend the olive branch, and irrespective of what has gone on.. at one time you were both great friends, to the point were where you and he confided in your sadest and happiest of secrets and experiences.

Best of luck OP.

UnregGirl · 22-04-2008 10:44am

Thank you Abigayle. I will certainly look into seeking help.

As for the friend problem, well I've tried all I can but he has constantly refused to talk to me properly. And last night he sent me a text saying never to make contact again but he'd always have time for my husband and son, which is pointless as my husband is livid with him to the point of not letting his name be said in the house. Anyway I'm fine with that now. I was talking to two people who know him well yesterday and both of them pointed out the turbulent relationships he's had with friends his whole life. While I could never understand why he was so hard done by before, now the blinkers are off and I can see him for who he really is. And as my husband said, there's no smoke without fire. Even the few friends he's left with aren't what you call 'real' friends, and he's fallen out with them all at one point or another. This guy obviously needs to get over his own self-importance if he wants any relationship to work.

Anyway sorry for the rant! Thank you again for all your advice and help.

Haunted by the past

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