My Father going to kill my grandfather

LegacyUser · 01-01-2008 3:32pm #1

Hi There,

I'm a regular poster here but for this I have to go unregged.

What a great 1st day it was. Over dinner my grandfather was arguing with my father cause he didn't install a fireplace properly for them. Which he did, but anything my father does is 'wrong' in my grandfathers eyes.
This has being going on for years. My father is now almost 50 years old and my grandfather has yet to praise my father for something.
My father is excellent at DIY , handyjobs and everyone in the country is looking for him to do jobs cause he does them very well and I'm proud of him for that - but my grandfather is NOT.

It is a disgrace - My grandfather controls my father and everyone in the house. He is obsessed with us going to mass every week. If we aren't up an hour early for mass, my grandfather has come into our part of the house and roars up to wake everyone. He was so bad last week as he walked into my fathers room, to wake him.
If only he knew I was an atheist.

I think it is really sad for my father, this age to yet be complimented by my grandfather. My father can't even go out for a drink without my grandfather cursing.
So yes - my grandfather is a Pr*ck, a Bas*rd. Everyone around knows what he is like and everyone avoids him.

Anyways back to the dinner just there - my grandfather kept nagging at dad telling he is wrong until my father just started roaring. Everyone was trying to calm him down. My grandfather was roared at by my grandmother to get out of here, and then when he gone dad really showed what he tought.
He started punching the wall saying, I hate him - and all that stuff. Then he says Some day he will just lose it and kill him and even demonstrated by catching a glass how he would kill him.

To be honest I feel really upset for my father, I can see how things happen now.

By the way he can't avoid him as we live in the same house, - part of it belong to my grandparents and rest belong to us.

But then my father treats us very nicely, the total opposite to the way my grandfather treats my father. I think that is cause he doesn't want to give me the life that he has lived so far. Its really upsetting to be honest as he a only child and no one else to talk to.

My grandfather means well always and is very emotional but it doesn't make up for the pri*ck he is.

Just needed to let that off my chest.

Thanks for reading.

girlwitcurls · 01-01-2008 10:01pm

god thats terrible. its so hard living with family in close proximity. your grandfather obviously has issues with himself and tries to undermine your dad to make himself feel important. i very much doubt your dad would kill him i mean anger makes you vulnerable and liable to outbursts which you may not mean.

davyjose · 01-01-2008 10:18pm

Maybe your dad needs to move out. I mean take his family and get your own place. It's crazy having 3 generations in the same house. I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that you're dad has never really gotten independance from his parent's, seeing as he still lives with them. That needs to happen. He needs to sort out his own issues, instead of bottling it up and breaking down in front of his own children, and he needs to take accountability for his own situation.

I'm sorry, your grandad is at fault indeed, but so is your dad for allowing all this to happen to him.

milkerman · 01-01-2008 10:31pm

You can't sort this out. Your dad is 50 years odd and your grandfather even older. The things that happened in the past that have led to this situation probably happened before you were even born. Your DAD needs to sort this out with HIS DAD. Pointing out the sadness brought on the rest of the family.
Try to stay on the sideline, there are usually two people at fault in every conflict - maybe not to the same extent, but living saints are hard to find.

dr_manhattan · 01-01-2008 10:48pm

good points made there. Massive sympathies to the OP.

Can you talk to your Da privately about this?

Though I understand points made above, once people get past a certain age blame is irrelevant, and it's about damage limitation cos people just aren't going to improve.

If your Da's that upset, then I'd imagine moving the family out isn't an option: besides which that's a lose-lose situation, the bitterness and narkiness won't stop. Besides which, it's the only way that generation know to rear a child - keep knocking them down, and they get up stronger is the idea. It's appalling but as you say he means well in his twisted way. Trying to change that 'dynamic' is a waste of effort, as even if you move to australia the windup will still be there.

My only advice would be try and be a friend to your da, and give him the strength from his new family to deal with his old family. Try and make him understand how much he's achieved and how wrong his father is: that will make him maybe feel a bit less pressured and vulnerable to his father's jibes and comments.

That way you limit damage to your Da, and maybe make the situation workable?

However, as a veteran of many youthful family festive fights, I'd also say look after yourself: cos watching your da and granda fight like that is baggage that you'll carry for years. In the same way as your old man needs distance and perspective from his domestic situation, you need it from yours.

hope your year improves.

Victor · 01-01-2008 11:45pm

The pattern needs to be broken and you perhaps need someone outside the circle to help you break it. Consider some sort of family mediation.

If your grandfather puts such stock in religion, perhaps have a word with the local clergy and explain what is happening. They might be able to have a quiet word.

super-lloyd · 02-01-2008 7:51am

I think what your dad did was very good.

He should express himself and shut up the bully. Your dad really needs to stand up to your grand-dad. It can really turns out to the better once a bully is put into place. And who knows some times from there you could have a happy family?

Now all that remains is what should your dad do to have your grand-dad ... at least behave correctly?
I think you should think of it, better than that, you should talk your dad into thinking about it!....

Victor · 02-01-2008 7:56am

super-lloyd wrote: »

You should express yourself and shut up bully.

I'm not sure what you mean here.

super-lloyd · 02-01-2008 8:02am

Victor wrote: »

I'm not sure what you mean here.

Ahum.. I should have checked what I wrote before posting!

Corrected now.

Ishindar · 02-01-2008 1:01pm

sounds like there too much has happened between your father and your grandfather for your father to be able to fix this. their communication has probably never been good and your grandfather judges him very harshly and your father is deeply wounded.
Is it possible u could help here? just a thought, maybe u could bring your grandfather out for a drink, just the 2 of ye. Ask your grandfather how he would like to be remembered. Point out that, its you, your father and your mother that will carry his memory and his legacy when he passes. you as his grandson would like that legacy and memory to be a happy inspiring one and maybe he should think about this.

Son_of_Belial · 04-01-2008 12:30am

I punched my Dad out cold for that exact sort of **** a few years back and he never bothered me again. Your Dad should really do the same. 'Nuff said.

Victor · 04-01-2008 1:56am

Son_of_Belial wrote: »

I punched my Dad out cold for that exact sort of **** a few years back and he never bothered me again. Your Dad should really do the same. 'Nuff said.

Violence is not acceptable.

GAAman · 22-04-2008 2:21pm

It sounds like the way i was headed i would have been your dad in 25 years time. My oullad is the same not one positive thing to say and whatever is done for him never is a thank you uttered once (with family, when it comes to other ppl he is full of thanks) so i have stopped expectin anythin from him now.

Like i left school when i was 15 and worked in a factory till i was 20 (his idea not mine and of course i went along with it as i stupidly wanted his praise) got sick cos of the work but instead of malingering i went back to education and got a fetac award, then cos of my experience with computers (10 years and clocking

) and the fetac i was accepted into uni (the first person in my dads whole family as well) did i get a congrats or a handshake? Did i fúck.

So thats part of the reason i am in derry a good 150 miles away from him, your dad should do the same cos i havent felt better since i stopped being his damn slave

chuci · 22-04-2008 2:24pm

maybe as an outsider looking in you could along with maybe you mom or granny get a counsellor or the local priest in to help talk trough these issues your father has with his father. if it doesnt work or either of them arent interested then maybe your family should move out if its financially viable give your da and your grandad time to chill out. your granda might even realise what a good person your dad is to them. maybe he is jealous of your dads talents with DIY wishes he had them himself. that or he is angry about getting old and relying on your dad for things is getting to him he might be realising how dependant he is after getting. but these wont be answered until the questioned are asked.good luck op my family have their own conflicts and its horrible witnessing them know what its like.

trishw78 · 22-04-2008 4:36pm

I see alot of people suggesting for your dad & your family to move out. I'm just wondering is there a medical reason why you Granfather my be acting like this.

But seriously I don't know how old you are OP but maybe you should move out and get your own place explain to your parents that you need your own space and that you can't live in such a negative atmosphere, but that you will always be at the end of the phone and will be over for every weekend.

Best of luck as someone else said you can say alot of things in the heat of the moment and not mean them.

Faith · 22-04-2008 4:52pm

This thread is 4 months old. Just fyi.

Jigsaw · 22-04-2008 4:58pm

OP, if your dad is 50 then your grandfather must be a fairly elderly man so there is no physical threat I assume. Either yourself or your dad or possibly both of you roar back at him and threaten him. If someone has got used to decades of being a bully there is only one language they understand.

And no I am not advocating violence. I am advocating conveying the message that the grandfather must be informed in no certain terms that he is acting the c**t and that if he continues then he'd better watch out.

mcyclist · 22-04-2008 7:01pm

OP, what you describe is, unfortunately, not too rare. Too many fathers and sons behave just like this, fathers unable to praise and sons burying their anger.

You can probably do nothing for their relationship but you can do a lot to ensure you and your father never repeat the same mistake. Talk to your father- I know that might be hard. Let him know that you know he is right. Let him know that you respect his work and that you know the criticism of your grandfather is wrong.

Your father is probably hurt that his father does not praise him but he is also being humiliated in front of his family. Letting him know where you stand could mean a lot to him

My Father going to kill my grandfather

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