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How do I learn to trust?

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  • 20-04-2008 9:55pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I realise I have real trust issues. I 'spied' on my ex boyfriend - looked through his email account,when he left it open once - and found emails which proved he'd cheated on me and lied to me about it. Having said that, my suspicions were already there, that's why I looked I guess. I think my trust issues go all the way back, freud style, to my father, who cheated on my mum and is a compulsive liar. I don't want to be an untrusting, spying, suspicious person though. I hated myself for reading my ex's email, but then when I found the proof of his infidelity I felt like I'd been right to do so, because at least then I knew. But now I'm seeing a new guy, who seems like a good, honest guy, and who I want to really trust as I'm falling for him. But I find myself obsessively checking his facebook page, wondering about who the girls are who have left messages for him, blah de blah. I've (half) jokingly asked him about them and he's got good answers for all. He deserves my trust - the issue here is me. But how do I do it? How do I learn to trust? I don't want to be this sort of person, I don't want to risk driving away a good man because of my jealous suspicions.


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    #2
    Kevster
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,980 ✭✭✭Kevster


    I'm a guy and had trust issues with one of my past girlfriends who was very flirtatious with other guys. That was just the way she was though, and she never cheated on me (as far as I know). I never actually managed to overcome my jealousy issues because we broke up before I had the chance to.

    Anyway, I assume that you have close male friends where the relationships are purely platonic? Isn't your boyfriend therefore allowed to have platonic relationships with female friends? What you must do is continually focus on that exact fact: that he is allowed to have platonic relationships. Whenever a jealous thought enters your head, remember this fact. Eventually, it will become easier for you to accept it.

    You can also try to set yourself targets such as not checking his Facebook page for a day; and then two days; and so on. You have to 're-learn' how to not be jealous - and learning takes time.

    Take care,
    Kevin.


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    #3
    Marksie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,395 ✭✭✭Marksie


    One of the things about overcoming trust issues is to realise that they stem from our own past experiences and insecurities.

    In reading your post OP, it seems you have begun looking at where this is coming from.
    If you feel these feelings ariseing again assess their basis, is there any foundation for what you are thinking or are you juts in your own head.
    When these feelings arise, dont ket them dominate your thinking, but let them go and note why they have arisen. Dont dwell on them, but let them pass through you.


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    #4
    silverstealth
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43 ✭silverstealth


    in relation to the first guy who's email you looked through etc, how long into the relationship did you start openly showing your insecurity and lack of trust?

    If you started to not trust him early on and you constantly accused him then its probably the case that he thought, hell I am being accussed of it and paying the penalty so I might as well commit the crime.

    You then look through his stuff and almost scream "yes, I knew he was cheating" so in effect you created the very situation that you feared but you can't see that because in your mind all you think is - I knew i was right all along and now I have proof.

    At the end of the day us fellas are only human and if you put us in a prison cell so to speak then do not be suprised if we try to break out.

    You have to understand that every one is different and not to judge them on your previous experiences, If you carry on being suspicious of every male you develop a relationship with then your in danger of becoming an emotional basket case.

    Hard words I know but I have been the victim of such treatment years ago by a woman who judged me by her ex fellas behaviour and in the end I left her for my now wife.


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    #5
    Sherifu
    Registered Users Posts: 17,727 ✭✭✭✭Sherifu


    It's a sucky way to live OP, always checking everything. There are never any guarantees that someone won't cheat on you. If you don't have trust you will always be worried and wondering, doubting your partner. You've had one bad experience but you already suspected that guy before you checked his email. If it was me it would eventually cause me to say enough is enough if my partner kept checking on me. It just gets irritating after a while. Trust is earned and it usually takes a few tries before we trust someone. Stop checking his facebook and give him a chance. Give up some control.


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    #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the advice guys (I think you're all guys, right?)

    Kevster, absolutely of course I have no problem with him having platonic female friends, I have plenty of platonic male friends. But it's like, once I know who the platonic friend is, once I know the back story, I'm fine, it's just when I don't know who someone is or I don't get the joke they're referring to or something, I get so paranoid there's something going on I don't know about...

    Silverstealth... It's hard to pinpoint at which point exactly I started to get jealous about my ex. I think it was when I started to really, properly, deeply fall in love with him. The cheating had been at the start of our relationship, and I guess I'd always suspected something had been going on, but had been ok to put it out of my head when I wasn't too deeply involved. By the time we were talking about maybe getting married (after 2 years - probably a bit soon, but it felt right to a certain extent) I think that's when the jealous suspicion started. It was a few months after that when I ended up reading his email.

    Sherifu & Marksie, I think you got it right, I have to relinquish some control and let some bad feelings pass through me and away. But then a voice inside me tells me No, you can't relinquish control, it's only having control which keeps you safe from getting hurt again. These bad feelings are a heads-up to stop me falling so badly in love again and getting so badly f***ed up again. I shouldn't ignore them, I should pounce on them, keep myself strong.

    Maybe this is more about the dilemma between being strong and taking care of yourself versus allowing yourself to fall in love and risking so much pain (and does that mean being 'weak'?)???


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