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Totally lost

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  • 20-05-2015 10:04pm
    #1
    brokenhearted
    Registered Users Posts: 9 ✭


    Hi
    I am so new to this but honestly have no where to turn but do not want to offend anyone with my topic, I had an affair with a married man (now I know biggest mistake ever but was blind to that), it has totally destroyed my life and now I am left with what feels like nothing while he just carries on, on my doorstep, and worse part is I have to see him too.

    Can anyone tell me is it ok to talk about this on here as I do not want to offend or upset anyone.


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    #2
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    What happened op? We will need more details before we can comment


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    #3
    athtrasna
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13,420 ✭✭✭✭athtrasna


    Why would you think it's not ok to talk about it on here?

    Affairs happen. They're not ideal, and people always end up getting hurt. You're clearly hurting, so please share if it's going to help you. Beware you may get some responses you might not like, as well as supportive ones x


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    #4
    brokenhearted
    Registered Users Posts: 9 ✭brokenhearted


    I have known this guy for years, we ignored our feelings for a long time and life went on, then 3 years ago he was in my house we were talking and honest to god before I knew it I was the happiest I had ever been madly in love and loving all the time we spent together. Yes I knew he was married as I spent time with them quite a lot. I also knew there was problems, I knew from both him and her there was separate rooms, no intimacy for a very long time. We were having the time of our lives, we spent so much time together I almost forgot he was married, almost every evening we saw each other, had dinner and drinks at weekend. Spending time together was never hidden, obviously the relationship was in secret. I listened to how bad things were from both sides, it became very hard on me. I felt I was as sounding board, I listened to both of them, told them to talk to each other but always excuses. We had discussed a future and planned it, it was going to be hardest thing ever lots of people would be hurt, but we were willing to go there. After 3 years almost my world fell apart, he just announced he wasn't leaving, that we would have to still be friends, do all the things we have done for 20+ years and act like normal, I became a person I never thought I would be, so angry upset hurt. He couldn't understand this and got so angry with me, he frightened me. But still I loved him, I let myself down as an independent woman, I all but begged him to still love me. Cliche maybe but honestly he is the love of my life and it was fought for over 15 years came so close so many times. He has destroyed me, but I cannot be part of his life to watch him live the lie I witnessed with his wife, from what she told me I believed it was all but over. It has been 5 months now and the anger from him towards me, the name calling the manipulation, the threats etc. I am not coping with it at all and it is effecting so much of my life. Oh I could go on and on with things that have happened been said and done, I am broken and I have done counselling, tried to busy myself etc. he lives so near and all I see is him every day with her, it makes me hurt every day even more and he is just plodding along and I am devastated like I never thought possible, I was engaged over 11 years ago in love and it ended I got on with my life, why is this so hard?


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    #5
    brokenhearted
    Registered Users Posts: 9 ✭brokenhearted


    athtrasna wrote: »
    Why would you think it's not ok to talk about it on here?

    Affairs happen. They're not ideal, and people always end up getting hurt. You're clearly hurting, so please share if it's going to help you. Beware you may get some responses you might not like, as well as supportive ones x

    Thank you athtrasna, oh I am hurting more than I ever thought I could


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    #6
    athtrasna
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13,420 ✭✭✭✭athtrasna


    Can you move away? It's fairly extreme but sometimes you just have to remove yourself from a difficult situation.

    Those closest to us have the power to hurt us most and sadly it happens. I know only too well. Time heals everything...but it hurts as it heals.

    The sun will come out tomorrow, you just need to find the positives in other aspects of your life. Slowly it will become easier, I promise


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    #7
    silverfeather
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,154 ✭✭✭silverfeather


    I want to call you bighearted not brokenhearted.

    Listen. You can rebuild your life. Affairs are never worth it. I think you need to start over. Some day you will find someone who wants you just you. Take yourself away.


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    #8
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Op I know you are hurting but how did you ever think that being friends with a married couple and sleeping with one of them was a good idea?

    You should be relieved to be out if that situation relatively unscathed. Just move totally out of their circle and move on with your life. This guy is bad news and you've had a lucky escape


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    #9
    brokenhearted
    Registered Users Posts: 9 ✭brokenhearted


    Hi

    I have looked at all options to move but I cant. I am on my own with a mortgage and struggling to even make that work. It gets more complicated he is in my family too, he is an in law to someone in my family, he will always be there. I have isolated myself so much and struggle every day. I am afraid of anyone finding out but the reason I have said for fall out is I got overwhelmed with him and her landing all of their marital issues on me, that resulted in a threat from him about saying anything about him. He just wants to get back to his misery, sorry, and carry on. It's like he wants to act like never happened. I have known him for over 25 years and never would I have thought he could be this person. I know I never put pressure on him for anything, I was just loving him and us, thought he was too. He was actually the one to talk about a future, making plans and happy about it happening, then out of no where bam, he sat at my table and said no its not going to happen, at same time I was looking after my 80 year old mother who just got over cancer and trying to get on with work, and pretending all the time all was ok, I have no interest in life or anything now, he has totally destroyed me. I am angry that he just gets to build me up make plans for a future and then just decide nope and not a care then for me. Angry because he honestly expected that I would just fall back into "friend " and carry on.


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    #10
    brokenhearted
    Registered Users Posts: 9 ✭brokenhearted


    silverfeather wrote: »
    I want to call you bighearted not brokenhearted.

    Listen. You can rebuild your life. Affairs are never worth it. I think you need to start over. Some day you will find someone who wants you just you. Take yourself away.

    Why bighearted?

    Can I rebuild really? How do you start over from this?


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    #11
    Oryx
    Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    He hasn't destroyed you. You are wounded and broken and in horrendous pain but you will heal. Rejection is a terrible thing to get over. You need to talk to whoever you can about this. Thrash it out and say everything you think and feel. Its cathartic and will help you reconcile yourself to this.

    You may see he is not worth it but still your heart will ache. Its a weird and unfortunate thing. You need to cut all contact, and get rid of anything of his. Stay away from anything that reminds you of him, music, films, places. After that its just time. Youll have good days and bad days, just roll with it when its bad and know tomorrow will be better. Look for new opportunities and be with your friends. Youll get there.


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    #12
    brokenhearted
    Registered Users Posts: 9 ✭brokenhearted


    I know I should see it as a lucky escape, just struggling with letting go of someone I loved so much for so long.

    I hear you asking why did I ever think it was a good idea, I honestly don't know because I am a clever woman, I jsut never felt anything like it before ever in my 41 years alive


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    #13
    Oryx
    Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    brokenhearted wrote: »
    I know I should see it as a lucky escape, just struggling with letting go of someone I loved so much for so long.

    I hear you asking why did I ever think it was a good idea, I honestly don't know because I am a clever woman, I jsut never felt anything like it before ever in my 41 years alive
    And you can cherish the fact you experienced it, and now let it go because it was never going to work anyway. We all do crazy things for love. Dont blame yourself for that.


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    #14
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    brokenhearted wrote: »
    I know I should see it as a lucky escape, just struggling with letting go of someone I loved so much for so long.

    I hear you asking why did I ever think it was a good idea, I honestly don't know because I am a clever woman, I jsut never felt anything like it before ever in my 41 years alive

    Op you need to take off the rose tinted glasses. He's not a good guy. He was offering you a future that he had no intention if really giving. He was playing you and I'm sorry but you won't be the last. He has done you a huge favour as this hasn't imploded and ruined your family.

    Run run run and meet someone free


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    #15
    athtrasna
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13,420 ✭✭✭✭athtrasna


    I've been hurt badly before and find that writing is very therapeutic. I keep a private blog, not visible to anyone, where I can rant and rave all I like, I can shout at those who hurt me and just let it all out. It really does help.

    The end of a relationship is something you sometimes need to grieve for, respect that, take the time. Avoid him if possible until you are ready to look at him and see your family member's in law, not someone you used to love.

    If moving is not an option then you need to find new focus. Fill the space where he was, where he is. I don't mean another guy, you're not ready for that. Maybe a pet? A new hobby? A new job? Volunteer somewhere, the joy you can get from helping others is amazingly intense.

    You will get through this


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    #16
    noway12345
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,152 ✭✭✭noway12345


    The guy is abusing you now after having the affair. He's a dirtbag. If he ever left his wife then he'd cheat on you too. Think how hard that would be? It's hard but try to move n and see this fella like he really is.


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    #17
    redshoes15
    Registered Users Posts: 152 ✭✭redshoes15


    This 'man' played you like a fiddle I'm afraid to say OP. Promises from a married man can never be trusted I'd imagine. I have little sympathy for either of you, his wife however I pity having 2 woeful individuals in her midst.
    Blow the lid off the affair, your guilt will ease and it will provide you with the courage to rebuild your life. I wish you well.


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    #18
    brokenhearted
    Registered Users Posts: 9 ✭brokenhearted


    Thanks all, at 40 years of age I thought I was past heartbreak, but I guess not, hardest thing I have ever been through


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    #19
    catonthewire
    Registered Users Posts: 201 ✭✭catonthewire


    brokenhearted wrote: »
    Thanks all, at 40 years of age I thought I was past heartbreak, but I guess not, hardest thing I have ever been through


    You will and can get through this, but it's going to take time and healing...
    Not only were you involved in an intimate relationship with him, you were also involved as you describe a sounding board for his wife's issues.....
    No wonder that you're head is a total mess...

    You seriously need to cut BOTH of these people out of your life immediately!!!....
    If he contacts you again, make it clear that you are prepared to expose him for the bully that he is....
    Avoid any situation where you might meet him socialy, change your phone number so he CAN'T contact you....


    Lastly, what happened in the past for your own sanity needs left in the past, you won't move on until you accept this....
    You made a huge mistake, bad judgement, but you're not the only one, again please cut all contact !!!


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    #20
    brokenhearted
    Registered Users Posts: 9 ✭brokenhearted


    Contact is cut, email addresses are blocked and there is no contact, I feel however there is unfinished business of huge sorts but I guess that is how it will stay, there was no parting on good terms sadly but things don't end because they are good do they?

    I constantly feel anxious and nervous and upset but as much as I know it will get easier and I will get past it right now it's so so hard, I think the hardest part is accepting that he just carries on like all is well while I appear to be the one who is suffering hugely :-(

    Would I feel better about it all if I knew that he was actually suffering too, would that mean it meant something for real, cause now I just feel it was nothing to him and that makes me feel so awful about myself.


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    #21
    Oryx
    Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    brokenhearted wrote: »
    Contact is cut, email addresses are blocked and there is no contact, I feel however there is unfinished business of huge sorts but I guess that is how it will stay, there was no parting on good terms sadly but things don't end because they are good do they?
    It is unfinished business because you didnt get the closure you needed, but you were never going to get that. Its unfortunate, but the more time that passes, the less you will care. Keep reminding yourself of the bad bits, it will help.
    I constantly feel anxious and nervous and upset but as much as I know it will get easier and I will get past it right now it's so so hard, I think the hardest part is accepting that he just carries on like all is well while I appear to be the one who is suffering hugely :-(
    Do nice things for yourself, divert yourself when your mind starts to dwell on him. Youll end up having internal conversations with him that help noone! :) He has taken the easy way out, and is cowardly. Keep remembering that.
    Would I feel better about it all if I knew that he was actually suffering too, would that mean it meant something for real, cause now I just feel it was nothing to him and that makes me feel so awful about myself.
    While you were in it, it was real. Your feelings were real and valid. That is all that matters. Right now you are nothing to him, and that is tough to take, but if you can reconcile yourself to it, it is a big step towards getting over him.


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