Unplanned.....

The Highwayman · 21-05-2015 3:38am #1

Hi, so as the title suggests I found out 5 days ago my girlfriend (28) is pregnant. I'm 42, neither of us have any children. We have had the conversation about children and I explained to her as every other girlfriend I've ever had that I have no interest in ever being a father.
Now I'm not proud to say but part of me feels this may not be a complete accident. She says that is not what happened, but he is under the impression that I'll be a great dad and will love the idea when I get used to the idea.
As you can imagine there has been little other than this on my mind since she told me and I'm still 100% sure it's not what I want In life.
Now we are not living in Ireland at the moment (she is not Irish) We live in a country where termination up to 12 weeks is fine. She is 8 weeks gone today. I've told her I don't want to be a father and would elect for termination.
She is very confused, sad , scared and I totally understand that however I can't be positive about the pregnancy.
We were about to move in together in July but I have no idea if that will happen now. I feel if she does go ahead with termination she will resent me and the relationship will be broken. If she doesn't I don't know if the relationship will work out either. I have a brother living in a different country from his son and I don't want to end up like that as well.
What I'm looking for is some advice, I imagine there will be some hate for me as well , man up to your responsibilitys etc.
Any helpful advice would be great.

Thank you.

poeticmakaveli · 21-05-2015 3:42am

Man I think you should accept it and embrace it! It is a gift and I'm sure it will be something you will be happy with as soon as she has it! If you both love each other it should be all the more special! Have faith man!! Have a nice life with a nice family! Nothing more important than that!!

mocha please! · 21-05-2015 6:01am

God that's a tough situation to be in, and I really feel for you.

First of all I'd suggest perhaps moving this thread to the Personal Issues or Relationship Issues forum, as you're really not going to get unbiased opinions in the Parenting forum.

Why do you think it's not an accident - what contraception was being used?

If you're 100% sure it's not what you want, but she doesn't want a termination, I'm really sorry but I feel your relationship with her is over. It's her choice, at the end of the day, whether she wants to have this baby or not. Don't push too hard to influence her - make it clear that you'll support her financially to bring up the child (because it's the only responsible thing to do) but that you can't be part of the child's life or her life anymore. It's her decision.

If she opts for a termination, do try your best to salvage the relationship. But there may be trust issues present if you're not sure it was an accident? Also, thinking long-term, if she's even considering going through with the pregnancy it would seem you're not compatible in terms of what you want from life - having children or not is such a major consideration in a relationship.

In the meantime, I'd suggest looking into what support is available locally for your girlfriend - it would be good for her to get some unbiased opinions on the situation too.

I don't think you're an awful person for not wanting to be a father. You were clear about that, as you said, and if she didn't feel the same, then this situation was always going to be a possibility. No contraception is foolproof.

bp · 21-05-2015 6:44am

I think regardless of the outcome you should look into the snip - no method is fool proof but this one should put the responsibility of contraception back on you.

Regarding the pregnancy you both need time to think and discuss the options. A termination, I imagine, will have a profound psychological effect on her and possibly you in the future.

Good luck with whatever route you take

jopax · 21-05-2015 7:17am

Hi op,

I agree that there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a father.

The problem with that is that you have made her pregnant and you just want her to terminate it which is fine if she wanted that too. However if she is not sure about it, she will be the one living with this guilt, definitely not you.

I think you are being incredibly selfish and very emotionally detached towards her feelings.

You are old enough to take the situation for what it is and support your girlfriend either way.

She is the vulnerable one here not you, stop just thinking about yourself, your a grown man I'm sure you can handle what comes your way.

zeffabelli · 21-05-2015 7:39am

I think the mimimum you can do is make it very clear what you want. So if you don't want to be a father then she knows for certain whether or not she would be on her own raising this child, it will influence her decision, one she hasn't much time to make, or if you are going to embrace fatherhood.

It is also very likely that you will break up either way because either way, one of you is going to resent the other one.

She is only 28, if you do opt out, let her go while she still has a chance. Don't waste her time.

Sligo1 · 21-05-2015 7:57am

I also agree that there is nothing wrong about not wanting to have children or to be a father.

However..... If she has stated that she want the baby, or does not want a termination, imo it would be extremely wrong to convince or to try sway her otherwise. I'm pro choice, and if she wants a termination that would be up to her. But if she wants the baby, yet opts for termination due to your influence, this will haunt her for the rest of life. If she ever had kids, it will possibly affect her even more then, knowing and ultimately seeing in the flesh what she has lost. I know a couple women who have NEVER gotten over the loss of their baby through a termination. And this was when it was a termination of completely their choice! A couple others I know who have had a termination are fine and think it was definitely the right thing to do and think no more about it. But again, they never wanted a baby in the first place.

Imo it would be very very wrong to put sway onto your GF for a termination if she does not initially want one. She may feel bullied into it with the thoughts of being a single mum or of the thoughts/threats of being without you. Give her all the support you can, mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. Having said that, be honest. Make her aware its not what you wanted and your not sure if you want to be a father. And also you can't guarantee you will have future. But support HER. Dont sway her into Doing something which she may possibly regret for the rest of her life. It may have a profound psychological effect on her.

pwurple · 21-05-2015 8:00am

Well, you f-e that up anyway.

The attempt to persuade her into a termination was an attempt to go back in time... But it's happened. No time machine available, so deal with the present.

Pressuring her into an abortion she doesn't want will break the relationship.
Abandoning her and your child will obviously break the relationship.

You could discuss adoption.

Or you have the option of giving it a go.

The Diddakoi · 21-05-2015 8:07am

......and might be a good idea to book yourself in for a vasectomy, so you don't get stuck in the same situation again.

mirrorwall14 · 21-05-2015 8:10am

Were you wearing protection?

To be honest OP I'm with the consensus here, the bell cannot be unrung and trying to persuade your girlfriend to have an abortion would be horrific.

You've made your views known, one way or the other it is up to her now. It's a horrendous position to put her in, she is pregnant whether you or she's likes it or not and she has to decide.

Did you put your foot down (so to speak) or did you say you would support her either way? Because if it's the former I think that's an awful thing to do to her

HIB · 21-05-2015 8:58am

Yoiu have to support her in whatever decision she makes, and let her make the decision. If you convince her to terminate, you'll probably end up feeling guilty about it later. And if she has the baby and you don't support her, and don't get to know your child, you'll also end up feeling bad probably.

For your own sanity, and well being, let her make the choice, then suck it up, and deal with it.

You might be surprised. You might look back and think this was a good thing someday. It's kind of hard to feel anything but good about your offspring. You're kind of genetically programmed to think they're awesome!

Teyla Emmagan · 21-05-2015 9:10am

If you really don't want the baby then I think you should stick to your guns until she makes up her mind. Don't make any promises right now that you can't keep. If you tell her you will support her either way and she keeps the baby because of that, then you're really in trouble if you can't handle it. She is the one pregnant. She needs to make a decision based on you possibly not being there. I wouldn't be keen on the 'oh you'll love it when the idea sinks in approach'. You really may not.

Also I don't think this is the right forum for your problem.

cbyrd · 21-05-2015 9:31am

Was she aware from the beginning that you didn't want to be a father?
To be honest, if you were always sure you didn't want to be a father, then it was completely up to you to make sure it didn't happen.
You are, by saying you don't think it was completely accidental, putting all the blame on your girlfriend. This is so utterly selfish. You were in the room too, no contraception is 100% fail proof.
You have to man up and accept that 50% of this is your responsibility.
Forcing her into a termination, unless she's not wanting to be a mother, would absolutely destroy her.
If she wants this baby, and it sounds like she does, by not making sure you can't ever make someone pregnant (ie: had a vasectomy) you have always put yourself at risk of becoming a father and you cannot make her decision to keep the baby be a wrong one.
It's her body
It's not a solution but in this case you don't get to decide.
Book that appointment now!

Neyite · 21-05-2015 9:50am

Mod:
Moving to PI

Sligo1 · 21-05-2015 9:52am

cbyrd wrote: »

Was she aware from the beginning that you didn't want to be a father?
To be honest, if you were always sure you didn't want to be a father, then it was completely up to you to make sure it didn't happen.
You are, by saying you don't think it was completely accidental, putting all the blame on your girlfriend. This is so utterly selfish. You were in the room too, no contraception is 100% fail proof.
You have to man up and accept that 50% of this is your responsibility.
Forcing her into a termination, unless she's not wanting to be a mother, would absolutely destroy her.
If she wants this baby, and it sounds like she does, by not making sure you can't ever make someone pregnant (ie: had a vasectomy) you have always put yourself at risk of becoming a father and you cannot make her decision to keep the baby be a wrong one.
It's her body
It's not a solution but in this case you don't get to decide.
Book that appointment now!

100% agree with your entire post. And when you say book that appointment I'm taking it you mean for the vasectomy

.

incaseiforget · 21-05-2015 10:15am

cbyrd wrote: »

Was she aware from the beginning that you didn't want to be a father?
To be honest, if you were always sure you didn't want to be a father, then it was completely up to you to make sure it didn't happen.
You are, by saying you don't think it was completely accidental, putting all the blame on your girlfriend. This is so utterly selfish. You were in the room too, no contraception is 100% fail proof.
You have to man up and accept that 50% of this is your responsibility.
Forcing her into a termination, unless she's not wanting to be a mother, would absolutely destroy her.
If she wants this baby, and it sounds like she does, by not making sure you can't ever make someone pregnant (ie: had a vasectomy) you have always put yourself at risk of becoming a father and you cannot make her decision to keep the baby be a wrong one.
It's her body
It's not a solution but in this case you don't get to decide.
Book that appointment now!

Well said! She didn't get pregnant on her own!! Your pushing 50. Take some responsibility. ..and drop the "woe is me"
You are adamant that you don't want kids. ..100% your choice. .but did you make sure that was not going to happen.
Will you please consider the snip as previously stated -you don't want this to happen again.
Time to make a decision....your decision.

CaraMay · 21-05-2015 10:24am

So what you are saying is that you got to 42, knowing you'll never want kids, yet you chose never to have a vasectomy. Now your gf is pregnant and you blame her (forgetting you chose not to have a vasectomy) and you now want her to have an abortion against her will. Shocking!!!

The bottom line is ye are going to break up over this. If I were her I would be running a mile from you. A lot if people don't want kids and that's fine but typically they do the adult thing and ensure it never happens whereas you take the lazy option and then blame her.

You don't have you be a dad. You can choose to move on with your life and pay her some child support. Given your current mindset, that's probably best for all involved.

zeffabelli · 21-05-2015 10:37am

I think you need to decide with absulute certainty very soon, what your role will be. Do not tell her you will be there if you wont be.

Be advised there is often no turning back from this, if you change your mind up the road and want to meet your 10 year old child, chances are you will be told to go **** yourself. You will be a stranger and you will have a very hard road to come back from.

Or you may still not want to be involved, but you may get letters from a child wanting to know who his or her father is, and you will have to contend with that also.

Neyite · 21-05-2015 10:39am

Mod:

Just a reminder to keep your replies civil and constructive and offer advice to the OP.

Be mindful that this is a crisis pregnancy that the OP needs support and guidance on how best to process it for himself and to try and do right by his partner.

Posts berating him or moralising may result in cards or bans.

Stavro Mueller · 21-05-2015 11:49am

I think it'd do both of you good if you could access a crisis pregnancy agency in the country you're in. Or if there isn't where you are, I wonder would http://www.positiveoptions.ie be able to help out. Maybe do something over the phone/Skype?

catonthewire · 21-05-2015 12:06pm

The Highwayman wrote: »

Hi, so as the title suggests I found out 5 days ago my girlfriend (28) is pregnant.... <SNIP>

Hi OP,

Okay, I can tell from your post above that you made it clear to your girlfriend and ex's that you never intended being a Father, this is entirely your right and one which you were adamant about...
However, accidents can and do happen, regardless of contraception being used, condoms break, the pill isn't even 100% safe for women...

Regardless of your suspicions ie did your girlfriend deliberately get pregnant, which is difficult to prove, she is now facing an awful choice.....
Does she continue with the pregnancy and risk losing you?
Or terminate , your choice, and risk regretting it for the rest of her life?..

Bottom line is, the choice does rest with her, and I can fully understand her sadness, fear ect....
I can also understand your reasoning, will the relationship survive if she chooses to opt for having a child...

I think both of you need impartial advice, together and seperately...
There are organisations that support couples through situations like this, and as I said advice is impartial....

The Highwayman · 21-05-2015 12:56pm

Thank you for most of the replays.
As far as a vasectomy is concerned I'm booked into see a urologist on Tuesday morning. It took over 3 months to get the appointment, my girlfriend who speaks the local language far better than I made the appointment for me. Unfortunately this is part of the reason I'm suspicious this is not an accident.
She knew this was really happening and there would be no chance of a pregnancy afterwards. I could be completely wrong but it's how I feel. It just seems too perfect the timing of it.
I am devastated, no matter what the relationship is doomed and we were so happy before this happened. I was moving in with her I've already given notice on my apartment, I could be homesless on the 1st of July if we don't move in together. We had plans to move back here to Ireland in the new year. It's due at Christmas, I've already resigned from my company effective 30/11.
The plan was that I'd come home find somewhere to live and she would follow in early Jan after spending Christmas with her family.

mirrorwall14 · 21-05-2015 1:02pm

The Highwayman wrote: »

Thank you for most of the replays.
As for as a vasectomy is concerned I'm booked into see a urologist on Tuesday morning. It took over 3 months to get the appointment, my girlfriend who speaks the local language far better than I made the appointment for me. Unfortunately this is part of the reason I'm suspicious this is not an accident.
She knew this was really happening and there would be no chance of a pregnancy afterwards. I could be completely wrong but it's how I feel. It just seems too perfect the timing of it.
I am devastated, no matter what the relationship is doomed and we were so happy before this happened. I was moving in with her I've already given notice on my apartment, I could be homesless on the 1st of July if we don't move in together. We had plans to move back here to Ireland in the new year. It's due at Christmas, I've already resigned from my company effective 30/11.
The plan was that I'd come home find somewhere to live and she would follow in early Jan after spending Christmas with her family.

It's good that you were planning but I have to ask again were you using barrier protection? The pill is not fully effective and waiting for an appointment you both really needed to be very careful

The relationship is likely doomed I'm afraid particularly since you believe she may have done this on purpose whether she did or didn't. I'm not sure how you come back from that one, relationships are built on trust. I'm very sorry OP

Stavro Mueller · 21-05-2015 1:03pm

If the relationship's doomed, then I think you need to tell her it's over now. Knowing that she could be a single mother might be a very important factor in whether she chooses to keep the baby or not. She needs to know now in my opinion.

Neyite · 21-05-2015 1:40pm

CaraMay wrote: »

You didn't explain what contraception you were using.

Mod:

And he doesn't have to. The OP is not obliged to explain that. It's his thread and he can choose only to share what information he feels comfortable sharing.

Its irrelevant to ask anyway, because its done - she is pregnant so the only reason posters need to know this information is to berate the OP further.

cbyrd · 21-05-2015 1:41pm

The Highwayman wrote:

Thank you for most of the replays. As far as a vasectomy is concerned I'm booked into see a urologist on Tuesday morning. It took over 3 months to get the appointment, my girlfriend who speaks the local language far better than I made the appointment for me. Unfortunately this is part of the reason I'm suspicious this is not an accident. She knew this was really happening and there would be no chance of a pregnancy afterwards. I could be completely wrong but it's how I feel. It just seems too perfect the timing of it. I am devastated, no matter what the relationship is doomed and we were so happy before this happened. I was moving in with her I've already given notice on my apartment, I could be homesless on the 1st of July if we don't move in together. We had plans to move back here to Ireland in the new year. It's due at Christmas, I've already resigned from my company effective 30/11. The plan was that I'd come home find somewhere to live and she would follow in early Jan after spending Christmas with her family.

I'm not sure what you're looking for people to say?
You are so suspicious that your girlfriend got pregnant on purpose, if it was me, I know I would get very hard to get past the lack of trust. It's a huge thing to be accused of. How do you ask without being told to f*** off! and, if it was an accident then having no support will be just as hurtful.
It would seem that your relationship is in a make or break situation.
Put this together with pregnancy hormones and I wish you luck having any sort of coherent conversation.
Regardless
You now feel like you've been railroaded into having a child you don't want.
Do you love her enough to bring up that child together?
Do you want to break up?
Do you feel you could walk away and just pay maintenance?
You know that you won't survive an abortion if she wants the baby, now or in 10 years, it would eventually ruin you both.
It's a tough decision and I don't envy you, but, you need to examine why you are with this woman in the first place.
Does she seem like the type of person who would deceive you?
Go back to the early days in your relationship, why are you with her?
How did you meet?
You might find your answer if you figure that out.
And one of my favourite sayings..
MAN PLANS, GOD LAUGHS!

MrWalsh · 21-05-2015 1:42pm

The fact that you feel so "tricked" would indicate to me that you left responsibility for contraception to her - clearly if you had been taking care of it you would only have yourself to blame right?

Im a bit confused tbh. This is someone that you were planning a future with, yet you feel this person tricked you - surely it would have been much easier for her to simply break up with you and find a man who did want children rather than take the risky option of hoping she would fall pregnant for you before your vasectomy and then hoping that you would be in agreement to have the baby and play happy families, and then hoping that you would never find out the truth?

It just sounds weird to me that the first place your mind goes is that you were tricked as opposed to the much more ordinary notion of contraception failure.

So maybe you never trusted her 100% in the first place?

One way or another, if you dont trust her you shouldnt be in a relationship with her.

As for not wanting to be a father - then you should have taken steps to ensure it didnt happen.

R.D. aka MR.D · 21-05-2015 2:18pm

Totally agree that if you think the relationship is doomed then tell her now. Let her know the future. If you offer support at this stage that you can't provide, then you are being dishonest.

If she did trick you into this then that is a terrible thing to do. She obviously doesn't care about you or the child. Why would you bring a child into this world that wasn't 100% wanted. If she does go ahead with the pregnancy and you decide to be in the child's life then I would suggest that you go for some counselling etc to resolve any resentment that you may have towards the child.

Now would be the time to nip all that future trauma in the bud but unfortunately all you can do at this stage is lay the facts out for her in no uncertain terms. It's her choice and you can't/shouldn't force her into something.

zeffabelli · 21-05-2015 2:28pm

Op, whether or not you were tricked kind of doesn't matter as there is no way of knowing.

What does matter is that you are including the possibility as part of your narrative.

When I listen to people take over the past, what I have learned from long hard experience is that it has nothing to do with any kind of truth of the past but full of clues to tell you what they will do in the future. What this tells me is that you are building a narrative of deception where you are the victim in order to exempt yourself from any hurt you are about to cause and hurt you want to cause.

I think you've made your decision but make it brave, don't make it the cowards way with prevarications and blame.

Also consider she may also feel tricked.

jopax · 21-05-2015 2:40pm

Hi op,

If you were that happy together before this does that not mean something to you.

I can't understand why you are so resigned to this being the end of your relationship.

I know you don't want to be a father, you didn't choose it but sometimes things happen that we don't want.

Its only one child, is it really that hard to consider that it might bring its own blessings.

Im not saying you should be happy about it or embrace it, just give yourself a couple of weeks just to think it through.

Just don't make any hasty decisions and try to keep an open mind as to your future.

Oryx · 21-05-2015 4:07pm

The trust in your relationship is now broken. You feel tricked, she feels abandoned. No matter what you do that cant be changed. And neither can the fact of the pregnancy. Do not, under any circumstances, try to have her terminate. Leave that decision to her, but in full knowledge of the facts; ie you will not be there for her. What she does is up to her. Nor should you be coerced into playing happy families, this was never something you wanted.

Whatever she decides to do, accept it with dignity, and make your own choices based on that (to be a father, to not be part of the childs life... its up to you). But if she continues with the pregnancy, I feel you are morally and legally obliged to acknowledge the child financially and paternally - as in registered as its father. The child is an innocent, and should not suffer.

CaraMay · 21-05-2015 4:12pm

Neyite wrote: »

Mod:

And he doesn't have to. The OP is not obliged to explain that. It's his thread and he can choose only to share what information he feels comfortable sharing.

Its irrelevant to ask anyway, because its done - she is pregnant so the only reason posters need to know this information is to berate the OP further.

Sorry Neyite. It was more to try to find out why he is so certain she tricked him but your comments are noted.

pwurple · 21-05-2015 4:56pm

Oryx wrote: »

The trust in your relationship is now broken. You feel tricked, she feels abandoned. No matter what you do that cant be changed.

I don't know if I agree with that. It's tough after what happened, but this could be salvaged if he want to save it.

pookie82 · 22-05-2015 2:29pm

Just an observation but...

I can't help but feel if a woman came on here and said "I've never planned for kids, never wanted them, but somehow I'm pregnant and I don't want it" she wouldn't get a barrage of "well what contraception were you using, hmm? If you definitely don't EVER want kids you should have either not have had sex at all or gotten your tubes tied, now grow up and deal with it".

I sympathise with the OP (as a woman) because I feel he's just as justified as a female would be to feel horror and shock at an unexpected pregnancy he doesn't want.

Op, with your permanent solution to never having children on the horizon, I do agree it sounds oddly like perhaps this was a little more planned than she's saying. If that's the case, it's a shame your trust in her was misplaced. I assume that, given you think it could have been deliberate, you were relying on her to be rigid with contraception (as is the case in many relationships)? If she has breached that trust without warning that's a pretty good reason for all trust to go out the window in the relationship.

People on here always say "without trust, a relationship is nothing", and they preach about the necessity of trusting your other half absolutely, or else the whole set up is doomed.

Let's say the OP has done just that ... trusted her implicitly with contraception. IF, and only IF, she was breached that trust, he has every right to be angry, on top of the shock and confusion he must be feeling.

In his OP he says she seems convinced he will just adjust when the baby gets here and make a great father ... that sounds to me like the musings of a woman who knew his decision on the matter and blazed ahead anyway and did what she wanted. And the second she's pregnant she's then somehow beyond all reprimand ...

I think you should tell her that you don't want to be a dad, but won't force her to get rid of it. Just explain that although you'll be there for her financially, you can't see yourself wanting to engage in fatherly activities. Obviously this will mean the end of the relationship, which you said was great up until this point.

But IF she has done this deliberately, you have to question what other important decisions she would just blaze ahead with anyway in your relationship down the line. If she's capable of overriding your views so blatantly in this instance, she may do it again.

Before you pledge that you want nothing to do with this child's life, though, think long and hard about what you're denying it. Like it or not, there's a completely innocent being involved once it gets here. Do you really want it growing up without parental contact on one side? How would you feel if he/she sought you out later in life asking questions?

I don't envy you this decision.

mirrorwall14 · 22-05-2015 4:26pm

Just to say I would have asked the exact same question if it was a woman. If you personally don't want kids it is your responsibility and no one else's to ensure it (and I am a woman). When I wasn't ready for kids I was on the pill and I also ensured my partner wore protection too

The issue the OP has and the reason I asked is that if the OP did leave it to his partner then he will never know if she did or didn't do it on purpose.

That's the issue with trust, if he already thinks she may have done it on purpose, is he ever going to believe her even if she tells him she didn't plan this? Whereas if the OP was using barrier protection then it perhaps may have been more obvious if something was suspect and perhaps that's why he is unsure of her

ceadaoin. · 22-05-2015 5:27pm

Under no circumstances can you pressure her into a termination, that is her choice to make. If she doesn't have an abortion do you plan to be part of this child's life even if your relationship with your gf might be over? I totally understand your shock but the child didn't ask to be brought into this situation and shouldn't have to suffer as a result. The baby isn't going to be born next week so you have some time to come to terms with the idea and think about how to proceed.

I had an unplanned pregnancy 4 years ago. My now husband had also been of the view that he didn't want children and while I wasn't exactly over the moon about it, I knew that I couldn't go through with a termination. Neither of us could imagine life without our daughter now, best thing that ever happened.

incaseiforget · 22-05-2015 11:37pm

I too would have asked the same question if it were a woman.
When myself and my partner had decided we didn't want anymore kids we decided that one of us had to do something!
So off I went for a tubal ligation!
Anyway back to the OP....it's a rotten situation to be in...you have the trust issue. ..no matter what the outcome that's always going to be in the back of your mind. You know deep down you can't force her to terminate. Like a previous poster we too had an unplanned pregnancy...both our faults as we were both there when it happened!! He is 16 now and turning out to be a fantastic young man. I think you will do the right thing...whatever that is for you. ..best of luck!

Electric Sheep · 24-05-2015 1:44am

Keep in mind that you can walk away from the relationship, but you will still (quite rightly) be on the hook for child support.

silverfeather · 24-05-2015 6:43am

I am not at all thinking you are a bad person you stated your position clearly to her. You were emphatic. It is out of your hands. She has to decide what she can live with too. I would say you should be completely honest with her.

I would agree about her resenting you after an abortion she was not happy to have. More than that i think she would hate herself too. You are much older and she is still finding out what she wants. I think this issue will come up again even if she were too have an abortion now.

You both want different things and lives. Neither of you should apologize for that. Regarding the future in your present situation.

I don't think the relationship stands a chance. You will not be happy if you become a dad. That is fair enough. You will resent her.It seems to me she will at one point want children. The relationship is a dead end.

Perhaps tell her you will support the child etc but don't want it.

Perhaps this is not her chance and in time she will find someone else who is meant to be her partner.

In her position I would only want the child if we both did i think i would end it with you and find someone who wanted the same future I did.

If you want a vasectomy that is your choice etc. Just be honest with every woman in future about that so they can know if it's a dead end for them.

Don't force her to make a decision. But i think you are correct in realizing the relationship will not survive. But you must live up to responsibilities if she does have the baby.

I am sorry you have ended up in this situation it's not ideal at all. Try to do the best you can.

silverfeather · 24-05-2015 7:56am

Plumgirth wrote: »

OP you have to make up your mind if you are willing to help raise this child, if you were indeed tricked you are well within your rights to break up with your partner and leave her too it. For future reference I would add that maybe you shouldn't be so trusting, humans are fallible and no one I'm is worthy of 100 percent trust. If I were you I would get a vasectomy, I woupdn't see the need to tell future girlfriends that you had a vasectomy, that's your business, just tell them that you don't want children and won't be having any more.

If she was underhanded she is a very seriously stupid and horrible girl. And it would be time to break up. However he is still responsible for 50% of the child's financial needs.

OP. Tell your GF this. Say that this is not her ONLY chance to have a kid. Ask her if she really wants to do this now. She can have an abortion and go on to have a child with someone else in a few years and it would be in a much better situation with someone who wants it.

But in the end you can't force her. And whilst you are within your rights to leave her you still would have to bear 50% of the responsibility.

If you do decide to have a vasectomy (which at your age you realize what you are doing if you were younger I would say you are too young to realize what you are shutting off in life) that is absolutely your choice. I would still say you should tell future prospective partners and why wouldn't you anyway ? If you don't I feel you are breaking their trust then.

She has broken your trust (if it was planned). I would ask her if she really feels this is the right relationship for this. Make your feelings known and clear. Make her realize this is not the future you want.

If you say you are going to stay with her if she gets an abortion I think you are unwise. She has broken your trust and you know that you both want different things anyway. It's not fair to either of you.

But the kid has done nothing wrong. And legally you have to financially support it in the end if it is born.

The problem is with this is everything is post facto. You have limited options. Tell her that she can go on to have children with someone else. In the end though you can't force her to do anything.

ShaShaBear · 24-05-2015 6:33pm

I would definitely have put the same contraceptive question to both a man and a woman.

If you are utterly hell-bent on preventing something happening, you prevent it - you certainly do not expect other people to prevent it for you.
Do you simply expect other people to drive safely, or do you take precautions yourself in order to prevent a car accident?
Do you expect people to be aware of your allergy when preparing food, or do you take precautions to ensure you don't accidentally ingest peanuts?
As above, do you just expect other people to not get pregnant or do you take necessary precautions to ensure that this becomes impossible?

And I think that telling her that she has plenty of time to find someone else and have a kid that isn't your's in order to coerce her into abortion is downright preposterous and utterly cruel. No-one can predict the future, or this woman's reproductive capability. My mother took 2 months to get pregnant with me, and 2 years to get pregnant with my brother with absolutely no change in health, weight, diet or partner. For all you know, this could be her one and only chance to have a baby and convincing her to end the pregnancy could have a wealth of unknown mental AND physical effects on her!
However sure you might be that she somehow tricked you (because, sure, all 28 year old women can get pregnant in a matter of weeks and know when they are ovulating all the time), you clearly do not trust her and for both your sakes, that is not someone you should be with.
You need to end it with her and accept financial responsibility for the baby you helped make, should she decide to keep it.

ShaShaBear · 24-05-2015 7:35pm

Plumgirth wrote: »

So are you saying that you shouldn't trust your partner? Usually people say once the trust is gone that the relationships is damaged beyond repair.

Not at all, I am saying that if his first conclusion was that she tricked him into thinking she was protected when she wasn't, then he obviously never trusted her. And if you don't trust someone to take care of something that important then you should take care of it yourself. Hence why my examples all depicted scenarios with strangers - people you would naturally not trust, which seems to be the case with the OP.

millie_moo · 22-07-2015 10:24am

Any update on this?

New to boards

Neyite · 22-07-2015 10:34am

millie_moo wrote: »

Any update on this?

New to boards

Mod Note:

If you are new to boards, please read the charter of each forum before posting, usually found stickied to the top of each forum. That will tell you the rules of the forum.

For instance, in Personal Issues & Relationship Issues, asking for updates is not allowed.

Emme · 22-07-2015 12:27pm

People forget that no method of contraception is 100% effect except abstinence or sterilization. If a man and woman of childbearing age are having sex with contraception there is a minuscule chance that pregnancy will occur particularly if the woman is in her teens or 20s. The Pill is not 100% effective and several factors can affect its efficiency such as medication and stomach upset among others.

The OP seems to think that the pregnancy wasn't accidental. This indicates that he didn't trust her. If not why didn't he take more responsibility with contraception such as wearing condoms even if his girlfriend was on the Pill?

If the OP was so sure he didn't want children he should have had a vasectomy. That applies to all men who are 100% certain that they don't want children. Man up, take responsibility and have a vasectomy. This also applies to women who are certain they don't want children and are in their childbearing years. Have a tubal ligation.

It would be sad if he were to walk away from his girlfriend now she is pregnant but that choice is up to him.

MrWalsh · 22-07-2015 12:42pm

Emme wrote: »

Man up, take responsibility and have a vasectomy. This also applies to women who are certain they don't want children and are in their childbearing years. Have a tubal ligation.

Very difficult to arrange either in Ireland if you are childless and under 40 tbh.

edit - I see the OP is 42 though so....

ManOfMystery · 22-07-2015 2:43pm

OP, sometimes life has a way of throwing things at us that we don't want or expect.

You were emphatic about not wanting to be a father. But your partner is now pregnant, and you only have one option really - termination. And that depends entirely on whether she wants it too.

If not, then you need to quickly accept that like it or not ................you're going to be a Dad, even though it was never in your life plan.

Hows thing progress after that is up to you. You can be involved in your child's life, or you can have absolutely zero involvement (asides from financial support for their upbringing, which I would hope you're going to honour). Zero involvement means you can continue with your life as you see fit, with no nappies to change, no infringements on your free time, and so on.

All I will add is this : you're not the first man to become a father unexpectedly, and you won't be the last. And many, many men who have gone through it end up being surprised by how much their life is enriched by a little boy or girl, something they never expected or wanted. It's a very hard thing to wrap your head round, particularly if you were 100% set against it, until it actually happens and you go through it. Being a parent means giving up certain liberties, but you also gain things you would never have experienced otherwise. I'm not trying to change your mindset here - I'm just saying to broaden your horizons a little and consider the fact that having to deviate from a rigid way of thinking may not be that much of a bad thing. If Simon Cowell can do it .......

Celly Smunt · 25-07-2015 4:58pm

You're 42 with the possibility of a young woman wanting to start a life with you and to start a family. Embrace it, its not going to happen again.

inocybe · 25-07-2015 7:18pm

Emme wrote: »

People forget that no method of contraception is 100% effect except abstinence or sterilization.

Nope, sterilization isn't 100%, approx 1 in 200 tubal ligations fail. 1 in 2000 vasectomies.

Lux23 · 25-07-2015 10:26pm

inocybe wrote: »

Nope, sterilization isn't 100%, approx 1 in 200 tubal ligations fail. 1 in 2000 vasectomies.

Abstinence it is then.

Irish_Elect_Eng · 26-07-2015 10:12pm

Celly Smunt wrote: »

You're 42 with the possibility of a young woman wanting to start a life with you and to start a family. Embrace it, its not going to happen again.

There is so much joy in being a father, I have seen the arrival of a child melt hearts and fashion loving fathers from the hardest men. Think long and hard about this, opportunities to be happy can come in the guise of problems to be overcome.

You made your decision never to become a father, but you are now faced with a different decision, do you want to become a Dad. One is a matter of simple biology, the other is a lifelong commitment that has a incredible payback unlike any other investment of our time.

Unplanned.....

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