Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Unplanned.....

Options
2»

Comments

  • Options
    #32
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Neyite wrote: »
    Mod:

    And he doesn't have to. The OP is not obliged to explain that. It's his thread and he can choose only to share what information he feels comfortable sharing.

    Its irrelevant to ask anyway, because its done - she is pregnant so the only reason posters need to know this information is to berate the OP further.

    Sorry Neyite. It was more to try to find out why he is so certain she tricked him but your comments are noted.


  • Options
    #33
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    Oryx wrote: »
    The trust in your relationship is now broken. You feel tricked, she feels abandoned. No matter what you do that cant be changed.

    I don't know if I agree with that. It's tough after what happened, but this could be salvaged if he want to save it.


  • Options
    #34
    pookie82
    Registered Users Posts: 2,217 ✭✭✭pookie82


    Just an observation but...

    I can't help but feel if a woman came on here and said "I've never planned for kids, never wanted them, but somehow I'm pregnant and I don't want it" she wouldn't get a barrage of "well what contraception were you using, hmm? If you definitely don't EVER want kids you should have either not have had sex at all or gotten your tubes tied, now grow up and deal with it".

    I sympathise with the OP (as a woman) because I feel he's just as justified as a female would be to feel horror and shock at an unexpected pregnancy he doesn't want.

    Op, with your permanent solution to never having children on the horizon, I do agree it sounds oddly like perhaps this was a little more planned than she's saying. If that's the case, it's a shame your trust in her was misplaced. I assume that, given you think it could have been deliberate, you were relying on her to be rigid with contraception (as is the case in many relationships)? If she has breached that trust without warning that's a pretty good reason for all trust to go out the window in the relationship.

    People on here always say "without trust, a relationship is nothing", and they preach about the necessity of trusting your other half absolutely, or else the whole set up is doomed.

    Let's say the OP has done just that ... trusted her implicitly with contraception. IF, and only IF, she was breached that trust, he has every right to be angry, on top of the shock and confusion he must be feeling.

    In his OP he says she seems convinced he will just adjust when the baby gets here and make a great father ... that sounds to me like the musings of a woman who knew his decision on the matter and blazed ahead anyway and did what she wanted. And the second she's pregnant she's then somehow beyond all reprimand ...

    I think you should tell her that you don't want to be a dad, but won't force her to get rid of it. Just explain that although you'll be there for her financially, you can't see yourself wanting to engage in fatherly activities. Obviously this will mean the end of the relationship, which you said was great up until this point.

    But IF she has done this deliberately, you have to question what other important decisions she would just blaze ahead with anyway in your relationship down the line. If she's capable of overriding your views so blatantly in this instance, she may do it again.

    Before you pledge that you want nothing to do with this child's life, though, think long and hard about what you're denying it. Like it or not, there's a completely innocent being involved once it gets here. Do you really want it growing up without parental contact on one side? How would you feel if he/she sought you out later in life asking questions?

    I don't envy you this decision.


  • Options
    #35
    mirrorwall14
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,751 ✭✭✭mirrorwall14


    Just to say I would have asked the exact same question if it was a woman. If you personally don't want kids it is your responsibility and no one else's to ensure it (and I am a woman). When I wasn't ready for kids I was on the pill and I also ensured my partner wore protection too

    The issue the OP has and the reason I asked is that if the OP did leave it to his partner then he will never know if she did or didn't do it on purpose.

    That's the issue with trust, if he already thinks she may have done it on purpose, is he ever going to believe her even if she tells him she didn't plan this? Whereas if the OP was using barrier protection then it perhaps may have been more obvious if something was suspect and perhaps that's why he is unsure of her


  • Options
    #36
    ceadaoin.
    Registered Users Posts: 8,122 ✭✭✭ceadaoin.


    Under no circumstances can you pressure her into a termination, that is her choice to make. If she doesn't have an abortion do you plan to be part of this child's life even if your relationship with your gf might be over? I totally understand your shock but the child didn't ask to be brought into this situation and shouldn't have to suffer as a result. The baby isn't going to be born next week so you have some time to come to terms with the idea and think about how to proceed.

    I had an unplanned pregnancy 4 years ago. My now husband had also been of the view that he didn't want children and while I wasn't exactly over the moon about it, I knew that I couldn't go through with a termination. Neither of us could imagine life without our daughter now, best thing that ever happened.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #37
    incaseiforget
    Registered Users Posts: 45 ✭incaseiforget


    I too would have asked the same question if it were a woman.
    When myself and my partner had decided we didn't want anymore kids we decided that one of us had to do something!
    So off I went for a tubal ligation!
    Anyway back to the OP....it's a rotten situation to be in...you have the trust issue. ..no matter what the outcome that's always going to be in the back of your mind. You know deep down you can't force her to terminate. Like a previous poster we too had an unplanned pregnancy...both our faults as we were both there when it happened!! He is 16 now and turning out to be a fantastic young man. I think you will do the right thing...whatever that is for you. ..best of luck!


  • Options
    #38
    Electric Sheep
    Registered Users Posts: 2,104 ✭✭✭Electric Sheep


    Keep in mind that you can walk away from the relationship, but you will still (quite rightly) be on the hook for child support.


  • Options
    #39
    silverfeather
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,154 ✭✭✭silverfeather


    I am not at all thinking you are a bad person you stated your position clearly to her. You were emphatic. It is out of your hands. She has to decide what she can live with too. I would say you should be completely honest with her.

    I would agree about her resenting you after an abortion she was not happy to have. More than that i think she would hate herself too. You are much older and she is still finding out what she wants. I think this issue will come up again even if she were too have an abortion now.

    You both want different things and lives. Neither of you should apologize for that. Regarding the future in your present situation.

    I don't think the relationship stands a chance. You will not be happy if you become a dad. That is fair enough. You will resent her.It seems to me she will at one point want children. The relationship is a dead end.

    Perhaps tell her you will support the child etc but don't want it.

    Perhaps this is not her chance and in time she will find someone else who is meant to be her partner.

    In her position I would only want the child if we both did i think i would end it with you and find someone who wanted the same future I did.

    If you want a vasectomy that is your choice etc. Just be honest with every woman in future about that so they can know if it's a dead end for them.

    Don't force her to make a decision. But i think you are correct in realizing the relationship will not survive. But you must live up to responsibilities if she does have the baby.

    I am sorry you have ended up in this situation it's not ideal at all. Try to do the best you can.


  • Options
    #40
    silverfeather
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,154 ✭✭✭silverfeather


    Plumgirth wrote: »
    OP you have to make up your mind if you are willing to help raise this child, if you were indeed tricked you are well within your rights to break up with your partner and leave her too it. For future reference I would add that maybe you shouldn't be so trusting, humans are fallible and no one I'm is worthy of 100 percent trust. If I were you I would get a vasectomy, I woupdn't see the need to tell future girlfriends that you had a vasectomy, that's your business, just tell them that you don't want children and won't be having any more.


    If she was underhanded she is a very seriously stupid and horrible girl. And it would be time to break up. However he is still responsible for 50% of the child's financial needs.

    OP. Tell your GF this. Say that this is not her ONLY chance to have a kid. Ask her if she really wants to do this now. She can have an abortion and go on to have a child with someone else in a few years and it would be in a much better situation with someone who wants it.

    But in the end you can't force her. And whilst you are within your rights to leave her you still would have to bear 50% of the responsibility.

    If you do decide to have a vasectomy (which at your age you realize what you are doing if you were younger I would say you are too young to realize what you are shutting off in life) that is absolutely your choice. I would still say you should tell future prospective partners and why wouldn't you anyway ? If you don't I feel you are breaking their trust then.


    She has broken your trust (if it was planned). I would ask her if she really feels this is the right relationship for this. Make your feelings known and clear. Make her realize this is not the future you want.


    If you say you are going to stay with her if she gets an abortion I think you are unwise. She has broken your trust and you know that you both want different things anyway. It's not fair to either of you.

    But the kid has done nothing wrong. And legally you have to financially support it in the end if it is born.

    The problem is with this is everything is post facto. You have limited options. Tell her that she can go on to have children with someone else. In the end though you can't force her to do anything.


  • Options
    #41
    ShaShaBear
    Registered Users Posts: 5,528 ✭✭✭ShaShaBear


    I would definitely have put the same contraceptive question to both a man and a woman.

    If you are utterly hell-bent on preventing something happening, you prevent it - you certainly do not expect other people to prevent it for you.
    Do you simply expect other people to drive safely, or do you take precautions yourself in order to prevent a car accident?
    Do you expect people to be aware of your allergy when preparing food, or do you take precautions to ensure you don't accidentally ingest peanuts?
    As above, do you just expect other people to not get pregnant or do you take necessary precautions to ensure that this becomes impossible?

    And I think that telling her that she has plenty of time to find someone else and have a kid that isn't your's in order to coerce her into abortion is downright preposterous and utterly cruel. No-one can predict the future, or this woman's reproductive capability. My mother took 2 months to get pregnant with me, and 2 years to get pregnant with my brother with absolutely no change in health, weight, diet or partner. For all you know, this could be her one and only chance to have a baby and convincing her to end the pregnancy could have a wealth of unknown mental AND physical effects on her!
    However sure you might be that she somehow tricked you (because, sure, all 28 year old women can get pregnant in a matter of weeks and know when they are ovulating all the time), you clearly do not trust her and for both your sakes, that is not someone you should be with.
    You need to end it with her and accept financial responsibility for the baby you helped make, should she decide to keep it.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #42
    ShaShaBear
    Registered Users Posts: 5,528 ✭✭✭ShaShaBear


    Plumgirth wrote: »
    So are you saying that you shouldn't trust your partner? Usually people say once the trust is gone that the relationships is damaged beyond repair.

    Not at all, I am saying that if his first conclusion was that she tricked him into thinking she was protected when she wasn't, then he obviously never trusted her. And if you don't trust someone to take care of something that important then you should take care of it yourself. Hence why my examples all depicted scenarios with strangers - people you would naturally not trust, which seems to be the case with the OP.


  • Options
    #43
    millie_moo
    Registered Users Posts: 125 ✭✭millie_moo


    Any update on this?

    New to boards


  • Options
    #44
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    millie_moo wrote: »
    Any update on this?

    New to boards

    Mod Note:

    If you are new to boards, please read the charter of each forum before posting, usually found stickied to the top of each forum. That will tell you the rules of the forum.

    For instance, in Personal Issues & Relationship Issues, asking for updates is not allowed.


  • Options
    #45
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    People forget that no method of contraception is 100% effect except abstinence or sterilization. If a man and woman of childbearing age are having sex with contraception there is a minuscule chance that pregnancy will occur particularly if the woman is in her teens or 20s. The Pill is not 100% effective and several factors can affect its efficiency such as medication and stomach upset among others.

    The OP seems to think that the pregnancy wasn't accidental. This indicates that he didn't trust her. If not why didn't he take more responsibility with contraception such as wearing condoms even if his girlfriend was on the Pill?

    If the OP was so sure he didn't want children he should have had a vasectomy. That applies to all men who are 100% certain that they don't want children. Man up, take responsibility and have a vasectomy. This also applies to women who are certain they don't want children and are in their childbearing years. Have a tubal ligation.

    It would be sad if he were to walk away from his girlfriend now she is pregnant but that choice is up to him.


  • Options
    #46
    MrWalsh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,664 ✭✭✭MrWalsh


    Emme wrote: »
    Man up, take responsibility and have a vasectomy. This also applies to women who are certain they don't want children and are in their childbearing years. Have a tubal ligation.

    Very difficult to arrange either in Ireland if you are childless and under 40 tbh.

    edit - I see the OP is 42 though so....


  • Options
    #47
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    OP, sometimes life has a way of throwing things at us that we don't want or expect.

    You were emphatic about not wanting to be a father. But your partner is now pregnant, and you only have one option really - termination. And that depends entirely on whether she wants it too.

    If not, then you need to quickly accept that like it or not ................you're going to be a Dad, even though it was never in your life plan.

    Hows thing progress after that is up to you. You can be involved in your child's life, or you can have absolutely zero involvement (asides from financial support for their upbringing, which I would hope you're going to honour). Zero involvement means you can continue with your life as you see fit, with no nappies to change, no infringements on your free time, and so on.

    All I will add is this : you're not the first man to become a father unexpectedly, and you won't be the last. And many, many men who have gone through it end up being surprised by how much their life is enriched by a little boy or girl, something they never expected or wanted. It's a very hard thing to wrap your head round, particularly if you were 100% set against it, until it actually happens and you go through it. Being a parent means giving up certain liberties, but you also gain things you would never have experienced otherwise. I'm not trying to change your mindset here - I'm just saying to broaden your horizons a little and consider the fact that having to deviate from a rigid way of thinking may not be that much of a bad thing. If Simon Cowell can do it .......


  • Options
    #48
    Celly Smunt
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 9,464 ✭✭✭Celly Smunt


    You're 42 with the possibility of a young woman wanting to start a life with you and to start a family. Embrace it, its not going to happen again.


  • Options
    #49
    inocybe
    Registered Users Posts: 505 ✭✭✭inocybe


    Emme wrote: »
    People forget that no method of contraception is 100% effect except abstinence or sterilization.

    Nope, sterilization isn't 100%, approx 1 in 200 tubal ligations fail. 1 in 2000 vasectomies.


  • Options
    #50
    Lux23
    Registered Users Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭Lux23


    inocybe wrote: »
    Nope, sterilization isn't 100%, approx 1 in 200 tubal ligations fail. 1 in 2000 vasectomies.

    Abstinence it is then.


  • Options
    #51
    Irish_Elect_Eng
    Registered Users Posts: 1,260 ✭✭✭Irish_Elect_Eng


    Celly Smunt wrote: »
    You're 42 with the possibility of a young woman wanting to start a life with you and to start a family. Embrace it, its not going to happen again.

    There is so much joy in being a father, I have seen the arrival of a child melt hearts and fashion loving fathers from the hardest men. Think long and hard about this, opportunities to be happy can come in the guise of problems to be overcome.

    You made your decision never to become a father, but you are now faced with a different decision, do you want to become a Dad. One is a matter of simple biology, the other is a lifelong commitment that has a incredible payback unlike any other investment of our time.


  • Advertisement
Advertisement