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Seriously questioning long term relationship

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  • 19-05-2015 3:24am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Going anon for this.

    Myself and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years, but never lived together.

    Lately, I've been in two minds about our relationship, which realistically should probably be the be all and end all.

    I love and care for him, but alot of the time I feel as if he is too wrapped up in himself. He is going through depression, which has only been formally diagnosed in the last few months, but I know he has been suffering from it since before we've even met.

    I have recently myself been diagnosed with depression and I honestly feel like he couldn't care. I have always been there, listened and given any help I can for him, but when it comes to my issues he just doesn't listen or gets angry at me for the way I am feeling.

    He is very depended on me and I am a very independent person.

    I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like I would be better off without him but also feel the guilt that I know that he would be lost without me.

    I feel like he makes me guilty for going out with my friends without him because he doesn't have many locallly. (Which clearly isn't my fault)

    What would you do?

    -I know I haven't added as much as I can, but feel free to ask any questions and I'll reply.


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    #2
    themissymoo
    Registered Users Posts: 111 ✭✭themissymoo


    LTRinTrouble wrote: »
    I honestly feel like he couldn't care.

    He is very depended on me and I am a very independent person.

    I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like I would be better off without him but also feel the guilt that I know that he would be lost without me.

    I feel like he makes me guilty for going out with my friends without him because he doesn't have many locallly. (Which clearly isn't my fault)

    As you probably know, depression can make you not care how others are feeling and what they're going through, so the fact you probably feel like he doesn't care is probably down to his illness in some way - not that that helps you as you need someone supportive and loving. You've helped him but you need the same now.

    It isn't your problem that he hasn't got many friends, so don't feel guilty if you go out without him. Even after four years, you will still need space and your own lives outside of each other - especially if you're independent, like you said.

    It's up to you to look after yourself, and up to him to look after himself. If you feel like the relationship isn't working, don't feel guilty that he might be "lost" without you. That's his problem to deal with, not yours. He's a big boy who should be able to stand on his own two feet. It may sound harsh, but you won't get better if you don't give yourself the chance to, and it can be tough and draining supporting someone else this amount for a long period.

    If you feel like breaking it is the best option, do it. You need to look after yourself first, before helping others. However, have you said any of what you said here to him?


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    #3
    silverbolt
    Registered Users Posts: 362 ✭✭silverbolt


    Depression is a wierd one, it affects everyone differently.

    However i can give a possible insight into his anger toward you.

    Ok you says hes dependant (never a good thing but hey ho) on you. But now that you have your own issues suddenly your not his permenant infallible always there rock. You have your own stuff to deal with. He's angry because now he has to stand on his two feet without you being there to completely enable him and possibly actually have to a be rock himself. This is scary as he has no idea how to do it.

    Him having no friends is also not your fault. You are his partner not his door way to a social life. If he cant make new friends thats not your fault.

    As missymoo said, you have to look after yourself as well.


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