relationship gone

LegacyUser · 20-05-2015 5:37pm #1

Hello

I'm devastated right now and just need some help.
I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend. He was staying in my house and was using my laptop. He went home but he left himself logged in unknowingly. His email was right there and I looked. Please, I don't need people telling me it was bad etc. I know all this.
(I was a bit insecure, that's why I looked in the emails- he's been bringing his fone to the loo and sometimes he easily angles it or his laptop in a way so I can't see. I asked him and he said its nothing; everyone brings their phone to the loo etc.)

On looking in his emails I seen he was in contact over the last few months with his ex from 3 yrs ago who lives in another country. She initiated all the contact, but he responded and engaged with her. There was nothing suspect in it but there was a lot of personal detail about their current lives. She also made clear she was coming to Ireland. I have no issue with keeping in a little contact with exs. But I was so hurt because he never mentioned me; through ommitting anything about me and ommitting to state he was in a relationship it was like he was making out he was single. :-( I also realised he probably messaged her when he was in my house and during a hotel trip we had. He also never mentioned to me that he was in contact with her. If it was me and my ex messaged me I'd definitely mention it to him. Just a point of interest and so he'd know.

So I spoke to him, I made up some nonsense about getting facebook messages suggesting her as someone I know to befriend and I asked if facebook was sending me these because he was in contact with her recently. He vehemently stated no. We chatted about exs and I said I don't believe in keeping too much contact etc. and he agreed.

The next day, I couldn't handle the secrecy and lies so I sent him a message stating 'I know you lied to me'. He asked what I was talking about. Later I sent a message and said I had looked in the emails, apologised profusely, said I was so hurt about the whole thing. His response was 'never message me again'.

I'm devasted and don't know what to do. I don't need people telling me I did the wrong thing.

To say I'm devasted is an understatement.

CaraMay · 20-05-2015 9:01pm

How long have you been with him? He doesn't have much character if that is the way he reacts. He did lie to you and that's a big red flag. His reaction is another one. Chances are you had a near miss here

LegacyUser · 20-05-2015 9:22pm

CaraMay wrote: »

How long have you been with him? He doesn't have much character if that is the way he reacts. He did lie to you and that's a big red flag. His reaction is another one. Chances are you had a near miss here

Thank you for your response CaraMay. I have been with him for a year and a half. We've had our ups and downs but I thought we truly loved each other, he was even supposed to be moving to my county for a job in the coming months.

Stavro Mueller · 20-05-2015 9:36pm

From what I can see, this relationship is dead as a doornail and there's nothing else to do or say. In different ways, the both of you have done what I believe to be irreparable damage to the relationship. I'm not going to criticize you for going through your boyfriend's emails and being a bit stalkerish. You've got to realise that when you crossed that line, there was no coming back. If someone went through my emails without my permission I'd never forgive them. I'd feel violated, angry and would never want to clap eyes on them again. Having that snoop, then saying sorry just doesn't cut it I'm afraid.

Besides, maybe you're as well off out of this relationship. For starters you weren't feeling secure in it. As it turns out, your instincts were right. Depending on one's point of view, it might be no big deal that he was emailing his ex. The problem was, he seemed to be giving her the impression that he was single. So maybe you just speeded up the inevitable -you were probably going to get the bullet some time soon anyway.

Michelle_b · 20-05-2015 9:43pm

Hope you are ok. As hard as it is now ... Move on. If he was failing to mention you he had reason and you also felt need to check meaning he was making you feel like he was up to something. I know you did wrong but his reaction is not even just a fight over it... Hope you are ok. Hugs x

catonthewire · 20-05-2015 10:04pm

Two very important points here....
First
He lied!!! He was in contact with her, despite denying this to you when you mentioned it....
Second
He didn't at any stage happen to mention to her that he was in a relationship, suggesting that he could possibly be planning to end your relationship...

Don't you find it strange how quickly he reacted to you last message, dropping you without trying to sort it out.....
OK, forget about him!!!
I know it's tough, but you deserve a guy who respects you and behaves like an adult....
Delete his number ect and move on..

pookie82 · 21-05-2015 9:00am

Right now he has you in a position where you feel like YOU'RE the person who has done something wrong and destroyed the relationship. Yes, you did wrong, but he has done a greater wrong if you ask me... secretly chatting with an ex, never mentioning you (what one would assume to be an important aspect of his life) and then lying bare faced to you about it. The latter is by far the most disheartening if you ask me.

It annoys me when people feel that snooping in messages to find the truth about a lying partner makes you "as bad as they are".

Now that you've given the game away and admitted how you know, he's going to turn it all back on you and claim that you're the person who destroyed things.

It's never a great idea to go through anyone's private mail/messages but unfortunately, as we see on here all too often, when you're dealing with a liar, it's the only way to get the truth. Generally, by the time you have to resort to this the relationship is on the rocks anyways.

If this spells the end, bear in mind, no matter what he says, that the breakdown did not originate just from what you did. His own shady behaviour is as much to blame.

I can't see why, if his interaction with her was completely innocent, it wouldn't have a) been mentioned casually to you at some point anyways, or b) certainly been admitted when you asked.

I find it odd, as someone mentioned above, that he would end a year-and-a-half of a relationship with one sweeping reply to a text. Unless he was already looking for some kind of way out.

CaraMay · 21-05-2015 9:05am

pookie82 wrote: »

I find it odd, as someone mentioned above, that he would end a year-and-a-half of a relationship with one sweeping reply to a text. Unless he was already looking for some kind of way out.

This is so true. Whatever you do, don't contact him.

HelgaWard · 21-05-2015 9:50am

You have had a lucky escape here. Imagine if you had not seen those e-mails? You'd still be going out with him, all the while he is in contact with the ex. He has shown you he has the capability to lie to you to your face. He took the easy way out by messaging you to end it that way, making it feel like it was your fault. It was not your fault, it was his fault and he wasn't even man enough to stand up, admit he did wrong, apologies and wish you well in the future.
I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment, but it is a good thing that happened. These boards are full of people miserable in their lives, married and/or have children with people who they find out were betraying them in a similar way to how your ex did.
Take time to heal, look after yourself, block his number, delete from Facebook, and move on. There is nothing to be gained by being in contact with him. Best of luck for the future.

Stavro Mueller · 21-05-2015 9:50am

pookie82 wrote: »

I find it odd, as someone mentioned above, that he would end a year-and-a-half of a relationship with one sweeping reply to a text. Unless he was already looking for some kind of way out.

Umm..maybe not. I think the relationship was on shaky ground anyway. He was emailing this ex of his and knew she was getting suspicious anyway. She had previously asked him why was he bringing his phone into the bathroom with him. Then pointed questions about the ex - which he lied about. So really, by the time she snooped through his emails she was probably on her way out anyway. As I said earlier, if someone snooped through my emails I'd hit the roof and would find it hard to forgive them. In the case of the OP it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

pookie82 · 21-05-2015 10:20am

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Umm..maybe not. I think the relationship was on shaky ground anyway. He was emailing this ex of his and knew she was getting suspicious anyway. She had previously asked him why was he bringing his phone into the bathroom with him. Then pointed questions about the ex - which he lied about. So really, by the time she snooped through his emails she was probably on her way out anyway. As I said earlier, if someone snooped through my emails I'd hit the roof and would find it hard to forgive them. In the case of the OP it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I'd be more inclined to assume that his knee-jerk response is one borne out of guilt and anger at getting caught out as opposed to horror at what she has done. He may be shocked she has read his emails but he doesn't have a "righteous" leg to stand on after lying to her face.

I understand breaking up a relationship if you feel your partner is snooping/quizzing/pestering you with no basis.

If there is a very real basis for it, as we can see here is the case, then it's gutless of him to turn it all back on her and end it because of her "paranoia", which we now know was well placed.

Best case scenario in this instance, at the very least, is to tell her he's angry with her for snooping, but also admit and apologise and end it on decent terms.

What he IS effectively doing/saying is this:

“I’m regularly chatting with my ex and pretending for all the world I’m single. I broke up with my current gf because her paranoia about my lies was really bugging me and she had the cheek not to trust my lies and go and find out for herself. That's a deal breaker for me”.

Stavro Mueller · 21-05-2015 10:42am

I don't blame the OP for snooping on the guy's emails. She felt something was wrong and it seems to be the only way she'd have gotten to the truth.

The point I am trying to make is how a person would feel if someone snooped in their emails. It's a given that the boyfriend was in the wrong and seemed to have one eye on the door anyway. But...if anyone picked up my phone right now and started going through my emails I would be beside myself with rage and would never want to speak to them again. How dare they.

Anyway, this debate is neither here nor there. OP, your relationship's over and when the dust settles you'll be glad it is. It was long-distance anyway which is tough at the best of times. Your boyfriend was lying, he seems to have been at least contemplating cheating if it had not already happened, and you were probably going to get dumped anyway. Better to know now than waste more of your life on someone who wasn't committed to you.

LegacyUser · 21-05-2015 10:48am

pookie82 wrote: »

I find it odd, as someone mentioned above, that he would end a year-and-a-half of a relationship with one sweeping reply to a text. Unless he was already looking for some kind of way out.

Honestly if someone I was dating told me they'd violated me privacy and gone through my emails I'd have the same reaction. It's not a deal breaker for everyone but it is for some.

I find it odd that someone in a year and half relationship would dance around an issue trying to trick someone by asking about Facebook friend requests etc rather then just out right asking them directly in the first place. Yes he doesn't sound like he was being up front with her and honestly sounds like the relationship wasn't on solid ground so they are probably both better off out of it.

Neyite · 21-05-2015 10:58am

You've paid a high price for snooping, so I'm not even going to go there.

pookie82 wrote: »

If this spells the end, bear in mind, no matter what he says, that the breakdown did not originate just from what you did. His own shady behaviour is as much to blame.

I find it odd, as someone mentioned above, that he would end a year-and-a-half of a relationship with one sweeping reply to a text. Unless he was already looking for some kind of way out.

This is my thinking also. Usually around the year to 18 month stage we assess whether or not a relationship has the stamina to go the distance or not. Feelings that get developed in this stage are as intense as they are going to get, so if someone isnt feeling that its for keeps, usually its around this time that they break away.

Committing to a move abroad forces him to sit and think about whether or not the relationship is the one or not. Uncertainty, coupled with an ex arriving on the scene shortly might make him realise that this relationship for him, wont go the distance.

You feeling insecure about the two of you to the point you checked his emails might have been triggered by his ambivalence. That's happened me in the past - the verbal reassurances were there but the actions and vibes didn't match up, and it was very confusing and destabilising for me looking back. Sure enough, that relationship hit the skids shortly afterwards and he met with someone very rapidly post breakup though I strongly suspect there was overlap which was the catalyst to break up for him.

I'm not saying that he wasn't annoyed at you invading his privacy. I'm sure he was, but to send a text like that on the back of it seems like a convenient way to justifiably break up with you, while keeping the higher moral ground seems extreme, and it also conveniently removes the obligation to explain to you why he was contacting his ex secretly, and why he was lying to you.

Saipanne · 21-05-2015 11:00am

You dodged a bullet there. Big time.

pookie82 · 21-05-2015 11:13am

can't log in wrote: »

Honestly if someone I was dating told me they'd violated me privacy and gone through my emails I'd have the same reaction. It's not a deal breaker for everyone but it is for some.

I find it odd that someone in a year and half relationship would dance around an issue trying to trick someone by asking about Facebook friend requests etc rather then just out right asking them directly in the first place. Yes he doesn't sound like he was being up front with her and honestly sounds like the relationship wasn't on solid ground so they are probably both better off out of it.

By this logic, then, anyone who likes keeping secrets/messing around/cheating can just use this to break free and wash themselves clean of any self-blame.

It doesn't sound like she was left with any other means in which to find the truth of the matter. I think it's deeply unfair to then use that to dump her.

He's hiding behind his guilt and anger at being caught, if you ask me.

If there was no foundation for her to snoop, no bringing the phone to the loo and angling his screen away from her when they're supposedly on weekend breaks together, then checking his mails is over the top.

But how else, exactly, was she going to get to the bottom of this?

OP it doesn't feel like it now but you've had a lucky escape and I think in time you'll be glad you read them and got the hell out.

LegacyUser · 21-05-2015 3:27pm

pookie82 wrote: »

But how else, exactly, was she going to get to the bottom of this?

By confronting him directly and if not happy with his answers, or lack of, walk away. If your not able to talk to your partner, or they unable to answer your questions, it's not a very healthy relationship and your better off out of it.

Pyr0 · 21-05-2015 4:16pm

It sounded like he was waiting for something to come along so he can finish it. He was caught and he knew it but saw a light at the end of the tunnel, why else would you end a 1.5 year relationship with just one text?

I feel you just saved yourself a lot of heartache in the future.

zeffabelli · 21-05-2015 4:35pm

Im not getting a few things.

Chatting to an ex - so what?

Does he owe you the truth? No. He has to offer it.

Making up lies about facebook friend requests.... what was that about....?

Reading emails...I would never speak to you again...ever for that. Door very firmly closed, fort knox closed.

All you actually confirmed was they were chatting....so what?

irishdude11 · 21-05-2015 5:01pm

People tell white lies all the time to avoid dealing with grief. What was he going to get by telling you he was chatting with his ex? Plenty of grief by the sounds of it as obviously you were hung up on it. You even said yourself there was nothing suspect in it and she initiated all the contact.

And so what if he didn't mention you in his conversation with his ex. I meet my ex all the time for coffee and I NEVER talk about my current relationships with her..it's the last thing I'd want to discuss with an ex..I can't understand why you expect him to be talking to his ex about you. I would be very unimpressed myself if someone took it upon themselves to violate the privacy of myself and my ex's conversation..

Sligo1 · 21-05-2015 5:32pm

So sorry this has happened OP. Fwiw, as a lot of people have said, you've defo dodged a bullet here. When I was 21and living in New Zealand my Irish boyfriend flew home as his visa had ended. We planned to keep the relationship going and try and sort out a way for him to come back for another year. Anyways... I spose I had my suspicions about him. But I loved him.

Anyways to cut a long story short, he flew home and I checked his emails. Now for all here... I actually don't give a flying f*ck whether it was right or wrong. In my eyes... It was completely and utterly RIGHT! Otherwise I would've wasted how many more years on him! I won't divulge too much. But thank crap I checked them. And to this day, I thank god I did. I rang him immediately and dumped his arse. And you're mad if you think I apologised for checking his emails! Seriously like!

I know many may disagree here. But me and my now husbands relationship is completely transparent. I wouldn't give a crap if had an auld read through my phone or emails. Not that he ever does. But if he did I wouldn't care or feel violated. There's nothing there.... He'd prob just get bored....

Sligo1 · 21-05-2015 5:46pm

irishdude11 wrote: »

People tell white lies all the time to avoid dealing with grief. What was he going to get by telling you he was chatting with his ex? Plenty of grief by the sounds of it as obviously you were hung up on it. You even said yourself there was nothing suspect in it and she initiated all the contact.

And so what if he didn't mention you in his conversation with his ex. I meet my ex all the time for coffee and I NEVER talk about my current relationships with her..it's the last thing I'd want to discuss with an ex..I can't understand why you expect him to be talking to his ex about you. I would be very unimpressed myself if someone took it upon themselves to violate the privacy of myself and my ex's conversation..

Perhaps, but he was going out with this girl for a year and a half. He SHOULD have told her that he had been talking to his ex. If it was completely innocent why wouldn't he. He has, to all intensive purposes lied to OP by omitting this. This is not a trustworthy person imo. Definitely not someone I would personally ever ever want to have a relationship with.

Saralee4 · 21-05-2015 6:41pm

can't log in wrote: »

Honestly if someone I was dating told me they'd violated me privacy and gone through my emails I'd have the same reaction. It's not a deal breaker for everyone but it is for some.

I find it odd that someone in a year and half relationship would dance around an issue trying to trick someone by asking about Facebook friend requests etc rather then just out right asking them directly in the first place. Yes he doesn't sound like he was being up front with her and honestly sounds like the relationship wasn't on solid ground so they are probably both better off out of it.

In terms of looking at his emails and whether that is right or wrong or who is right or wrong, the significance here is the difference in how both sides handled the situation.

Nobody is perfect but listen to OPs words:

""(I was a bit insecure, that's why I looked in the emails- "he's been bringing his fone to the loo and sometimes he easily angles it or his laptop in a way so I can't see. I asked him and he said its nothing; everyone brings their phone to the loo etc.)"
"The next day, I couldn't handle the secrecy and lies so I sent him a message stating 'I know you lied to me'. He asked what I was talking about. Later I sent a message and said I had looked in the emails, apologised profusely, said I was so hurt about the whole thing".

Op the difference between you and him is that you are taking responsibility for your mistake. You apologised for your part. You explained that you felt insecure. You admitted your flaws and that you know that it was wrong and that you made a mistake.

He did not. He latched onto the fact that you were so apologetic and used it against you rather then face his own part in the situation. He dismissed his own mistakes and focussed on yours.

When you are in a relationship and especially if it is going to be a long term one, then you are going to make some mistakes throughout the years. We are all learning as we go along. We have different upbringings, different beliefs about what is acceptable and what is not etc. We learn to adapt to one another. The only way you can do this and keep a relationship going is if you show the other person that you value their emotions and feelings on something. Op you showed this by showing remorse for your actions but your BF did not have a care about how you were feeling about what he did.

irishdude11 · 21-05-2015 7:18pm

Sligo1 wrote: »

Perhaps, but he was going out with this girl for a year and a half. He SHOULD have told her that he had been talking to his ex. If it was completely innocent why wouldn't he. He has, to all intensive purposes lied to OP by omitting this. This is not a trustworthy person imo. Definitely not someone I would personally ever ever want to have a relationship with.

People lie by omission all the time, its called white lies, you know, that basic social skill that all people with empathy (ie. not psychopaths) master by time they are 10 years old for smooth social functioning.

Your previous post suggests you found evidence of serious bad behaviour on the part of your ex and you obviously dodged a bullet.

That's totally different to the OP's situation where she said herself there was nothing suspect and even that it was the ex that was initiating contact. She seems, bizarrely, annoyed that the bf didn't mention her to his ex. Alot of people have zero interest in talking about current relationships with their exs, myself included, and I get on extremely well with my ex.

And I would have no interest in telling my current gf that I was emailing my ex if I thought it would mean unnecessary grief and hassle for me, which it wouldn't with my current gf, but it certainly would have with others I've seen in the past who were insecure and paranoid. I'd tell a simple white lie to avoid that nonsense.

I still don't really see what he did wrong apart from an abrupt text because he wasn't happy about his privacy being violated. That text was definitely harsh for a relationship of that length, maybe he'd had enough of dealing with OP's insecurty, or maybe he's a bastard, who knows.

zeffabelli · 21-05-2015 7:24pm

I have to say, I find it incredibly tedious, not to mention presumptuous and arrogant when EXs start talking about their current girlfriends....you know just ot make it REALLY clear they are unavailable in case you are sitting their pining for them or whatever fantasy they have in their head about you.

It's also like, who gives a ****. Seriously other people's romances are boring to EVERYONE but those involved in them.

Saralee4 · 21-05-2015 7:31pm

zeffabelli wrote: »

I have to say, I find it incredibly tedious, not to mention presumptuous and arrogant when EXs start talking about their current girlfriends....you know just ot make it REALLY clear they are unavailable in case you are sitting their pining for them or whatever fantasy they have in their head about you.

It's also like, who gives a ****. Seriously other people's romances are boring to EVERYONE but those involved in them.

And what exactly is the point in keeping contact with the ex if you are not going to share and talk about how you are doing and your new life and the important significant people in it and where you are now going? What else are you going to talk about.... old times?

Assuming that your ex was presumptuous and arrogant because he talked about his new girlfriend so you would in this situation expect him to take the exs feelings into account rather than his current gf?

And also about 'omitting the truth' and 'white lies'. Her bf seems very good at that. He omitted the truth from his ex about the new girlfriend and omitted the truth from current/now ex girlfriend. what a considerable top guy!

zeffabelli · 21-05-2015 7:36pm

Saralee4 wrote: »

And what exactly is the point in keeping contact with the ex if you are not going to share and talk about how you are doing and your new life and the important significant people in it and where you are now going? What else are you going to talk about.... old times?

There could be a myriad of reasons.....maybe some one they both knew and loved died...maybe professional reasons....maybe who the hell knows...

pookie82 · 21-05-2015 8:12pm

irishdude11 wrote: »

People tell white lies all the time to avoid dealing with grief.

If you're at the stage where you're telling white lies all the time to avoid grief, it's probably not something you should be in.

Why lie at all? He didn't tell her she looked thin in a dress she didn't, or that there was no lipstick on her teeth when there was.

THEY are little white lies to keep the peace.

Going around hiding longwinded drawn out conversations and then DENYING they took place when asked are not white lies.

It's a common cop out for people when they get caught out to act the innocent and claim they were sparing themselves grief in not being open and honest beforehand. A relationship that operates like this is broken and there's no excuse for that behaviour.

LegacyUser · 21-05-2015 8:21pm

Can the mods please close this thread, thank you.

relationship gone

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