what makes you approach person?

LegacyUser · 30-07-2014 7:05pm #1

Just wondering what catches your eye on a night out and makes you approach someone?
Question is borne from a male friend of mine who said he wouldnt approach me on a night out as I seem intimidating, which floored me tbh!
On nights out im there primarily to have the craic with my friends or whoever I end up talking to. I dont hang round in large groups and I would always be smiling or laughing so I dont look grumpy, but I rarely get approached. This made me feel like I was clearly unappealing looking, but he said I look unapproachable. I dont really do the whole scanning the room looking for targets as I see other girls at thatand tbh that to me looks predatory! But now Im wondering if I should be doing this?
I have approached men myself on nights out but I just wonder if im missing that 'wow' factor that captures attention on nights out that makes men approach.....or maybe Im just a munter :P Is looks really all it is?

Galwayguy35 · 31-07-2014 4:40pm

username 1234 wrote: »

Just wondering what catches your eye on a night out and makes you approach someone?
Question is borne from a male friend of mine who said he wouldnt approach me on a night out as I seem intimidating, which floored me tbh!
On nights out im there primarily to have the craic with my friends or whoever I end up talking to. I dont hang round in large groups and I would always be smiling or laughing so I dont look grumpy, but I rarely get approached. This made me feel like I was clearly unappealing looking, but he said I look unapproachable. I dont really do the whole scanning the room looking for targets as I see other girls at thatand tbh that to me looks predatory! But now Im wondering if I should be doing this?
I have approached men myself on nights out but I just wonder if im missing that 'wow' factor that captures attention on nights out that makes men approach.....or maybe Im just a munter :P Is looks really all it is?

If I find someone attractive I will approach them, but if they seem to be chatting with friends I won't because they might not be interested in male company and I'm not the kind of person who would go barging in.

And obviously make sure they are not with a boyfriend, was talking to someone in a pub years ago for a few minutes when this fella came out of nowhere threatening to drop me for chatting to his GF, I'm not a mind reader how was I supposed to know she wasn't single.

Wibbs · 31-07-2014 6:26pm

A couple of glances aimed my way, particularly if she holds that glance when I look back. Add in a smile and I'd usually "approach" if I was in the mood to do so.

MIN2511 · 31-07-2014 7:38pm

Hello OP!

I am female and when I was single I heard regularly from my male friends; it was very frustrating as I thought I was approachable.

You should consider getting the opinions from other male friends.

1. Would they approach you on a night out?
2. If no/yes, why?

They know you better than the people on here, and hopefully would give you feedback.

H3llR4iser · 31-07-2014 8:20pm

I might be just really bad at reading signals, but I have never ever seen "girls scanning the place looking for targets". Plenty of men, but never one the women. I think I should frequent more of the spots you go to

As for your question, I do not think there is one single finite answer. I'll try to list a few possibilities that could make you look unapproachable. With the help of others chipping in, we'll hopefully manage to help you a bit :

- Are you very tall? Most men will find extremely tall women a bit awkward to be with. Unsurprisingly, shorter guys will have less problems with this, as they are more used to having a woman tower above them;

- Could there be something in your attitude/body language that gives off a "don't mess with me" message?

- Could it be the opposite, as it is fairly obvious you are wishing to be chatted up? We men are strange creatures...wish for women to be available and then, when one comes looking, we dismiss her as "too easy a catch"

(and please know I mean no offense at all with this!);

- Do you wear expensive clothing or accessories? Guys might be afraid you'd think they are not wealthy enough (it sounds bad but it happens);

- Do you have a sophisticated look to yourself? A lot of men can be intimidated by it, as they associate the looks to the likes of actresses and singer who'd be out of their league;

- This might sound silly and obvious but...are you very good looking? As a woman you'll know, no point trying to be falsely modest; If that's the case, a lot of men will (rightfully) think you're out of their league;

- Friends chapter: again sounds horrible, but they can be an hindrance; Especially girl friends. Have you ever heard the concept of the "cock-block"? It's the jealous/envious female friend that can't stand the fact her friend was chatted up and not her, so she tries to get in the way as much as she can. It's one of the most annoying situations that can happen to a guy trying to talk to a woman, so most of us try to avoid it at all costs. Do you have any lady friends (even just one) that is kind of always with you?
Also, do you go out with guy friends? The conundrum here is obvious, most other men will assume one of them is your boyfriend (trust me happens all the time).

Can't think of any more right know...guys, chip in

Aidric · 01-08-2014 1:02pm

Wibbs wrote: »

A couple of glances aimed my way, particularly if she holds that glance when I look back. Add in a smile and I'd usually "approach" if I was in the mood to do so.

This exactly. It all starts with eye contact.

baby and crumble · 01-08-2014 1:35pm

Have you ever heard of "resting bitch face", op? It's where your natural expression when your face is resting is a bit grumpy looking. Now, I'm not saying this is the case, but I'm wondering what your "neutral" facial expression is. I get told I'm intimidating all the time, and I usually put it down to my bigger than average build and my natural face which seems a bit grumpy/ deep in thought.

Augmerson · 01-08-2014 3:48pm

Generally I would not approach a woman in a pub or club or at a gig. I'm fairly useless at chatting and small talk and also reckon women find it intimidating and are probably sick of it. I reckon if a woman wants to talk to you, she'll come up to you.

H3llR4iser · 01-08-2014 5:58pm

Augmerson wrote: »

Generally I would not approach a woman in a pub or club or at a gig. I'm fairly useless at chatting and small talk and also reckon women find it intimidating and are probably sick of it. I reckon if a woman wants to talk to you, she'll come up to you.

And how many times has this happened yet?

ancapailldorcha · 01-08-2014 6:22pm

H3llR4iser wrote: »

And how many times has this happened yet?

In my experience, never. Unfortunately, I don't really notice subtleties and people have pointed out that I have missed out on relationships and the like due to this.

I think this is the kind of sign I'd need to know if someone was interested.

Temporal Loop · 01-08-2014 6:27pm

Augmerson wrote: »

Generally I would not approach a woman in a pub or club or at a gig. I'm fairly useless at chatting and small talk and also reckon women find it intimidating and are probably sick of it. I reckon if a woman wants to talk to you, she'll come up to you.

That's your problem right there, you should be having fun chatting to women, forget the small talk.

Temporal Loop · 01-08-2014 6:29pm

H3llR4iser wrote: »

I might be just really bad at reading signals, but I have never ever seen "girls scanning the place looking for targets". Plenty of men, but never one the women. I think I should frequent more of the spots you go to

As for your question, I do not think there is one single finite answer. I'll try to list a few possibilities that could make you look unapproachable. With the help of others chipping in, we'll hopefully manage to help you a bit :

- Are you very tall? Most men will find extremely tall women a bit awkward to be with. Unsurprisingly, shorter guys will have less problems with this, as they are more used to having a woman tower above them;

- Could there be something in your attitude/body language that gives off a "don't mess with me" message?

- Could it be the opposite, as it is fairly obvious you are wishing to be chatted up? We men are strange creatures...wish for women to be available and then, when one comes looking, we dismiss her as "too easy a catch" (and please know I mean no offense at all with this!);

- Do you wear expensive clothing or accessories? Guys might be afraid you'd think they are not wealthy enough (it sounds bad but it happens);

- Do you have a sophisticated look to yourself? A lot of men can be intimidated by it, as they associate the looks to the likes of actresses and singer who'd be out of their league;

- This might sound silly and obvious but...are you very good looking? As a woman you'll know, no point trying to be falsely modest; If that's the case, a lot of men will (rightfully) think you're out of their league;

- Friends chapter: again sounds horrible, but they can be an hindrance; Especially girl friends. Have you ever heard the concept of the "cock-block"? It's the jealous/envious female friend that can't stand the fact her friend was chatted up and not her, so she tries to get in the way as much as she can. It's one of the most annoying situations that can happen to a guy trying to talk to a woman, so most of us try to avoid it at all costs. Do you have any lady friends (even just one) that is kind of always with you?
Also, do you go out with guy friends? The conundrum here is obvious, most other men will assume one of them is your boyfriend (trust me happens all the time).

Can't think of any more right know...guys, chip in

Women most certainly do scan the room, they just don't do it like retards. It's usually subtle glances over their friends shoulder rather than like men who blatantly stand at the bar with drink at chest checking out women.

Maximus Alexander · 01-08-2014 6:32pm

I haven't been single in years, so I haven't been approaching a lot of women, but if I was then sustained eye contact (obviously not to the point of being a terrifying crazed stare) and a hint of a smile from a woman who clearly wasn't with a man would probably do the job. I think it all comes down to body language.

If you spot a guy and glance at him every now and then and find he's glancing back, then the above would probably spur him to make a move.

TheSelf · 01-08-2014 6:41pm

I haven't been single in years either. Agree with above poster. Body language coupled with sustained but subtle eye contact are some of the signals given by women that you may approach.. on another note. I found that when I WAS single, few women made the move. Now that I'm in a relationship I seem to get more sttwntio from the opposite sex. Anyone else experience this?

Augmerson · 01-08-2014 7:01pm

H3llR4iser wrote: »

And how many times has this happened yet?

I bumped into a woman by a cigarette machine once an she said sorry. Does this count?

zetalambda · 01-08-2014 9:40pm

If i sense that the woman has low self esteem. Then as soon as I get the chance, I slip the roofie in her drink.

Talib Fiasco · 01-08-2014 9:55pm

If I see a girl I'm attracted too I approach her regardless if she seems welcoming and friendly or a complete b*tchy type with a slapped arse face....you cannot do a thing about what attracts you to someone.

Obviously any wise man cops the signs....eye contact, smile, preening, positive body language in general. I'm young so in a club ill approach any woman that gets me going but ill take preference to those giving good signs...a lot of it has to do with your mood and vibe. If you're having a good time and seem fun and friendly more people are bound to be interested in getting to know you....who doesn't want to to be around a fun and friendly person? This is more significant for men as we're the ones who have to do the chasing 90% of the time but it still applies to women.

Just be more pleasant and friendly when you're out. Displaying positive and open body language will invite people towards you naturally.

Wibbs · 02-08-2014 1:23pm

TheSelf wrote: »

on another note. I found that when I WAS single, few women made the move. Now that I'm in a relationship I seem to get more sttwntio from the opposite sex. Anyone else experience this?

Yep the Girlfriend effect(tm).

I reckon it's down to a few things. 1) you have a girlfriend so you have zero desperation going on and come across as more confident. 2) You engage with women differently, you actually chat with them, rather than seeing them as potential girlfriends/"conquests". 3) if your girlfriend is actually with you it's saying that you're less likely to be a weirdo as at least one woman has reckoned you were worth a go. Kinda like it's easier to get a job when you already have one, because employers saw you as valuable. I'd reckon number 1 and 2 are the biggies though. I've had similar when I just wasn't interested in anything of a romantic nature, so I wasn't looking and got more attention.

Daveysil15 · 03-08-2014 8:27am

Alcohol.

No I suppose if I like the look of someone or if they make eye contact I might approach. TBH I think approaching is the easy bit; it's trying to keep the conversation going in a noisy club that's the hard part. Some girls will be friendly and reciprocate the chat even though they're not interested, which can give the guy the wrong idea.

I've never actually been successful in a bar/club when I've done the approaching. Once in a blue moon a girl will approach me. I got a shift once in a nightclub but it was part of a dare. A group of women were having a hen night and one dared the other to shift the next guy that walks in the door, which just happened to be me. Another time I bumped into a group of British women who were on a hen night and they asked me to grab her boob while another took a photo of us. I met them again later on in the night and got chatting to one of them which led to my fist ever ONS.

So yeah basically hen nights are the only time I've had any luck on a night out. Women's inhibitions seems to go right out the window during this time. Any of yis getting married soon?

lazybones32 · 03-08-2014 9:00pm

username 1234 wrote: »

Just wondering what catches your eye on a night out and makes you approach someone?
Question is borne from a male friend of mine who said he wouldnt approach me on a night out as I seem intimidating, which floored me tbh!
On nights out im there primarily to have the craic with my friends or whoever I end up talking to. I dont hang round in large groups and I would always be smiling or laughing so I dont look grumpy, but I rarely get approached. This made me feel like I was clearly unappealing looking, but he said I look unapproachable. I dont really do the whole scanning the room looking for targets as I see other girls at thatand tbh that to me looks predatory! But now Im wondering if I should be doing this?
I have approached men myself on nights out but I just wonder if im missing that 'wow' factor that captures attention on nights out that makes men approach.....or maybe Im just a munter :P Is looks really all it is?

How you think you look and how you actually come across can be poles apart.
Women in daylight are different animals to those encountered during night.

Fate Amenable To Change · 07-08-2014 6:59pm

username 1234 wrote: »

Just wondering what catches your eye on a night out and makes you approach someone?
Question is borne from a male friend of mine who said he wouldnt approach me on a night out as I seem intimidating, which floored me tbh!
On nights out im there primarily to have the craic with my friends or whoever I end up talking to. I dont hang round in large groups and I would always be smiling or laughing so I dont look grumpy, but I rarely get approached. This made me feel like I was clearly unappealing looking, but he said I look unapproachable. I dont really do the whole scanning the room looking for targets as I see other girls at thatand tbh that to me looks predatory! But now Im wondering if I should be doing this?
I have approached men myself on nights out but I just wonder if im missing that 'wow' factor that captures attention on nights out that makes men approach.....or maybe Im just a munter :P Is looks really all it is?

This doesn't necessarily mean you are not attractive or look like you would laugh at someone who approached you. Are you be any chance fairly slim and particular about the way you dress?

takamichinoku · 07-08-2014 11:52pm

Haven't consciously done it since first year of uni, I don't think, and was never ever successful at even managing a conversation that wasn't hellish. Either they'll start talking to me or something about them will prompt me to make a comment completely off the cuff. There's maybe something a bit charming about me but it completely vanishes once I start thinking about it.

Unsure if I should try and get better at it or just stick to alternative means of meeting people.

Coolsteam · 08-08-2014 6:20pm

takamichinoku wrote: »

Haven't consciously done it since first year of uni, I don't think, and was never ever successful at even managing a conversation that wasn't hellish. Either they'll start talking to me or something about them will prompt me to make a comment completely off the cuff. There's maybe something a bit charming about me but it completely vanishes once I start thinking about it.

Unsure if I should try and get better at it or just stick to alternative means of meeting people.

Get better at it.

what makes you approach person?

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