How to handle anger at past bullying

LegacyUser · 18-09-2014 12:13pm #1

My partner was bullied badly in his last job. He is out of it about six months and I think it is now only sinking in with him how he was treated there. He was initially so happy to be out of the situation but now he talks very angrily about that job, how he was bullied there and what he would do if he ever met them again.

He is now becoming aggressive with people who he perceives as being disrespectful of him or putting him down. He reacts angrily if he thinks somebody is saying something out of turn to him, instead of ignoring it or not even noticing it as previously, and this is leading to issues with friends and family members. He says that he will never be put down again and he has to stand up for himself from now on.

I have tried to tell him that being aggressive is not the same as being assertive and that counselling would help him but he wont listen. I am worried that people are going to fall out with us if he continues like this. How can I help him get through this? He was always a friendly person and I know others can't believe how he is behaving now as a lot of them don't know how he was treated in his last job.

ongarboy · 18-09-2014 1:52pm

Sound like a form of post traumatic stress playing out and reinforces again why bullying is so harmful and has so many longterm consequences.

Counselling would seem to be the best option for him. Unfortunately, he has to understand and recognise that he has a problem himself before he can seek help and it has to be him who voluntarily seeks it rather than because you've told him to do it.

It's a hard one, OP but you must make it clear to him that you won't tolerate his aggressive or angry behaviour if it is directed to you or your friends/family etc.

Rubberchikken · 18-09-2014 4:06pm

i can see why he would behave like this. i have seen others who have gone through similar behave in that way once gone from the bullying situation.
anger is a normal emotion, it just needs to be handled properly.
he could do with talking to someone, and his gp would be the best person to ask about this.

good luck

Osvaldo · 18-09-2014 5:19pm

It's good to not take sh*t.

You should tell him to be cool, calm, controlled, respectful, thoughtful, mindful etc. when dealing with issues/confrontations. I suspect you know this anyway; your post suggests to me you do - so my post is pretty pointless; but I hope sh*t woks out!

ahnow · 18-09-2014 7:40pm

Maybe pick up a book on how to be assertive? I got one (but it's for women!) recently and I find it really good. But to be honest I can see where he's coming from too, I've been through something similar the last few months and find it very difficult not taking something I perceive as bullying or overstepping the mark with me personally, and I'm standing up for myself a lot more which inevitably means distancing from people that overstep the mark. Maybe it's not a bad thing that this is happening for him. Why should he have to put up with people behaving badly toward him, just because he was nice before shouldn't give people the go ahead to walk over him.
Anyway, the book I got is "A woman in her own right", it's actually really good, gives tips for assertiveness and scenarios, should be unisex really...

LegacyUser · 21-09-2014 9:15pm

There's an excellent book called "Feeling Good" by David Burns that I couldn't recommend enough. I suffer with anger issues and low self esteem and this book has been excellent. It gives practical tips for dealing with anger and I noticed a difference really quickly.

See if he'll give it a try! Best of luck OP. x

How to handle anger at past bullying

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