Non drinker judgemental biddies making me go crazy

emmabrighton · 02-09-2014 12:11pm #1

Bit of a rant here.

Let me just put this out there. I have not had a drink problem in nearly 4 years since I entered rehab. I have not shirked my responsibilities. I have not kicked the can down the road. I have dealt with every problem I have met head on.

Work is going grand but my personal life is still a mess. Specifically between extended family members and myself. I see them - the problems, not [possibly a little bit] the family- as real problems. They are not in my head. I would consider that my life had improved if these issues were resolved but I am not in a position to fix these issues. They are out of my control. Period.

Pretty much all I can do is have a rant to let off steam. Feel angry and feel hurt. Very very hurt. But as for fixing the problem. I am not in a position to fix it, even though it affects me. I am just a casualty.

So every time I have a rant I get the infurating response: "When have you last been to AA", "Are you following a 12 steps program", etc etc etc... I find this response more maddening than the initial problem.

If I had never had a drink, if i still had a drink problem and never decided to change my behaviour, people would listen to my problem and offer support.

However, since I have stopped drinking, my problems arent my real problem. OH NO!!!! The drink problem I had in the past is the real issue.

Examples*:
1) I cant get a car loan - Are you attending A.A.?
2) My boyfriend and I break up - Maybe you should be going to meetings.
3) My washing machine broke and my kitchen flooded - Maybe you should get in touch with your sponsor.

Fcuk off!!!!!

If another person had these above issues

Possible responses:
1) Maybe you could get a loan off a family member? Maybe you could do a bit of overtime in work?
2) Ah you poor thing lets rent a dvd and stuff our faces on ben and jerrys.
3) Shiiiiiite! Do you want to do your washing in my place while you wait for the landlord to fix it.

Does this not drive anyone else crazy?

When does it stop being about drink and it being about the issues that are actually present in your life?!?!

*all fictitious

tealcottage · 02-09-2014 12:46pm

emmabrighton wrote: »

Bit of a rant here.

Let me just put this out there. I have not had a drink problem in nearly 4 years since I entered rehab. I have not shirked my responsibilities. I have not kicked the can down the road. I have dealt with every problem I have met head on.

Work is going grand but my personal life is still a mess. Specifically between extended family members and myself. I see them - the problems, not [possibly a little bit] the family- as real problems. They are not in my head. I would consider that my life had improved if these issues were resolved but I am not in a position to fix these issues. They are out of my control. Period.

Pretty much all I can do is have a rant to let off steam. Feel angry and feel hurt. Very very hurt. But as for fixing the problem. I am not in a position to fix it, even though it affects me. I am just a casualty.

So every time I have a rant I get the infurating response: "When have you last been to AA", "Are you following a 12 steps program", etc etc etc... I find this response more maddening than the initial problem.

If I had never had a drink, if i still had a drink problem and never decided to change my behaviour, people would listen to my problem and offer support.

However, since I have stopped drinking, my problems arent my real problem. OH NO!!!! The drink problem I had in the past is the real issue.

Examples*:
1) I cant get a car loan - Are you attending A.A.?
2) My boyfriend and I break up - Maybe you should be going to meetings.
3) My washing machine broke and my kitchen flooded - Maybe you should get in touch with your sponsor.

Fcuk off!!!!!

If another person had these above issues

Possible responses:
1) Maybe you could get a loan off a family member? Maybe you could do a bit of overtime in work?
2) Ah you poor thing lets rent a dvd and stuff our faces on ben and jerrys.
3) Shiiiiiite! Do you want to do your washing in my place while you wait for the landlord to fix it.

Does this not drive anyone else crazy?

When does it stop being about drink and it being about the issues that are actually present in your life?!?!

*all fictitious

I love your rant.

I think it's your extended family that have the problem of not feeling comfortable with the way you are getting on with your life. They see you having a better all around life and this makes them envious of you.
They make these comments to you as a way of justifying the way they live there lives.

As you said there is nothing you can do about them so continue to enjoy your own life.

I stopped drinking as a result of reading Jason Vales book on kick the drink easily and he had a chapter on other people. It was brilliant the way it explained situations like this.

Badly Drunk Boy · 09-09-2014 11:15pm

A friend of mine from work is doing very well, not having a drink since April last year. That's fine and good because it was causing major health problems, as well as problems at home. Nothing violent or anything, just worrying his family and sometimes making a nuisance of himself.

One of the things that gets to him is that if he wants to head off anywhere, his wife has to ask him where he's going. She never asked him when he was drinking but always does now, even if he's only bringing the dog for a walk. His wife doesn't even suspect that he's going for a sneaky drink.

One of the women we work with often says she wishes he'd go back on the drink because he's even more infuriating than he used to be, in the way that he slags her off. There are other things that I can't remember but wouldn't you think that they'd be happy that he's sorted himself out?

stefan idiot jones · 10-09-2014 8:49pm

As the other posters said, some begrudging people just don't like to see anyone do well for themselves.
I truly, genuinely don't give a flying fcuk what people think of me (friends and family aside) as I'm not put on thus earth to accommodate your pre conceived values.
As long as you know you're alright, don't let the misery infect you from others.
You got rid of your misery a few years back.

Amazingfun · 17-09-2014 4:41pm

I know this may make your head blow off but......: are you even in AA? If you are, maybe those questions aren't exactly out of left field? Maybe they are just worried about you if you've stopped going or something? (I have no idea).

***I am in AA and certain family members are verrrrry difficult to deal with, even though I am very active in all aspects of it (meetings/service/sober many years).

emmabrighton · 17-09-2014 5:29pm

Hi Amazingfun, your comment doesn't blow my head off but more so leave me confused by what point you are trying to make.

The point I was attempting to make that just because you have stopped drinking does not mean that when looking for advice for every hurdle life throws at you should be answered with "Are you going to AA?". Would this be a normal response to anyone else? Not likely. In fact it would sound strange. Or plain rude, not taking your issues at face value.

When I hear this, I hear "Your current issues are secondary to the drinking problem you once had."

Amazingfun · 18-09-2014 12:56am

emmabrighton wrote: »

Hi Amazingfun, your comment doesn't blow my head off but more so leave me confused by what point you are trying to make.

The point I was attempting to make that just because you have stopped drinking does not mean that when looking for advice for every hurdle life throws at you should be answered with "Are you going to AA?". Would this be a normal response to anyone else? Not likely. In fact it would sound strange. Or plain rude, not taking your issues at face value.

When I hear this, I hear "Your current issues are secondary to the drinking problem you once had."

My point is simple: if you were/are in AA and something has changed, i.e., you aren't going to your regular meetings, or not going at all anymore, etc, then it's possible that it being hi-lighted may contribute to your being extra irritable or more sensitive to people mentioning it.

Obviously no one thinks that responding with "have you been to a meeting" is any kind of sane response to your statements above, but there are two sides to every story and I am trying to understand why so many seem to be saying the same type of thing to you.

However, you haven't clarified your status re: AA so it's hard to tell.

emmabrighton · 18-09-2014 3:38pm

Hmm, I see what you mean though in this case the condition is irrelevant.

The person does not know me well enough to be concerned about my welfare. They only know about my attendance at AA because I mentioned it to add context to a previous conversation.

But I have seen it time and again in the PI section of this website.

A person mentioned that they once had a drink problem and then go on to describe the issue and then their issue becomes secondary to their past drinking.

I find it infuriating that because of past difficulties with drinking, people moving forward have to suck it up. Like you deserve what you get in life moving forward because once upon a time you used to drink to excess.

Carpet diem · 24-09-2014 12:44pm

emmabrighton wrote: »

Hmm, I see what you mean though in this case the condition is irrelevant.

The person does not know me well enough to be concerned about my welfare. They only know about my attendance at AA because I mentioned it to add context to a previous conversation.

But I have seen it time and again in the PI section of this website.

A person mentioned that they once had a drink problem and then go on to describe the issue and then their issue becomes secondary to their past drinking.

I find it infuriating that because of past difficulties with drinking, people moving forward have to suck it up. Like you deserve what you get in life moving forward because once upon a time you used to drink to excess.

I think I see what you mean, like they don't take your current problems seriously and put it down to last drinking issues?

I'm like yourself I find people difficult to deal with but I heard a good one the last day "what people think of you is none of your business". It's a tough one to adhere to but it's one I'm getting better at. My OH is very much like that and I kinda try to model of her how she deals with people.

One thing for me I noticed is the more I ignored what people think/say/do the more they have respect for what I think/say/do.

I was having family issues a while back and I was trying to grab the issues by the neck and deal with them on my own and effectively control people. I finally decided I'm just helping myself. Guess what everything is fine ( well not perfect) but it's up to each individual person to sort out their own corner. Fair enough give advice but everyone to their own. And you know what there is a lot more thought of me

Sorry for my rant

Non drinker judgemental biddies making me go crazy

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