why do fathers get the raw end of the stick.

Dubseagull · 03-10-2015 9:12pm #1

Hi
lets start from the beginning. when my child was born 5 years ago my wife suffered from post natal depression. She refused to have it treated and for nearly 4 years our relationship went down hill to the point of breaking up. it was agreed to give the relationship another go, not long after I found out she was having an affair. I gave her the opportunity to fix things between us, and she agreed only for me to find out that her affair had never stopped and that it wasn't the first time.

she left the family home as we couldn't live together anymore and she at the time said she wasn't able to look after our daughter fulltime. over the last year I have put up with abuse, lies, suicide attempts and threatening to leave the country with my daughter (I had to get a court injunction against her).

I agreed to mediation as she didn't want to go to court. and mediation went ok and we agreed to keep thing the way they were. but as soon as the paperwork arrived she changed he mind and has now said she wants everything back and for me to leave the family home. she is using the "children should be with their mother card". I contacted my solicitor who basically told me not to fight her as I will lose and could end up in a worse position if I don't agree to her demands.

my daughter means the world to me and all I can see is that my wife will eventually turn her against me. My daughter has already told me that her mother left because I wasn't nice, which is a lie and I don't know where she would have got that from other than being told that. I don't know where to turn or what to do. I feel that giving my wife what she wants is abandoning my daughter. I cant sleep or eat and I don't know what I did to deserve this.

my wife has claimed her rights as a mother, where are my rights as a father.

bcklschaps · 07-10-2015 11:35am

Simple answer to your question.

Fathers get a raw deal because they are not as organized as Mothers (women) are and have failed to get the Irish Government to make resolving this situation a policy priority. Whenever it is brought up there are womens lobby groups who are campaigning for opposite policy changes.

http://www.activelink.ie/content/irish-links/family-parenting/fathers-justice-equality

http://www.independent.ie/opinion/lack-of-justice-for-fathers-one-of-biggest-scandals-of-our-time-30356806.html

runawaybishop · 07-10-2015 2:40pm

Dubseagull wrote: »

I contacted my solicitor who basically told me not to fight her as I will lose and could end up in a worse position if I don't agree to her demands.

Contact a better solicitor.

Domane · 17-10-2015 11:08am

Mate, it took me four attempts before I got a Solicitor who actually wanted to fight for me as opposed to the other three who told me I was fcuked!

In my case, my wife is violent towards the children and myself. She has grossly neglected them. She only cares about herself and will feed her self and leave the children hungry. I on the other hand am balancing a full time job with looking after my children, doing the school runs, bringing the children to their football, swimming, dancing etc while mother dearest does nothing except enjoy her social life, going away for weekends with whoever etc. So you'd think I'd have the upper hand? No way. It's been a huge uphill struggle all the way, even after I found a Solicitor who supported me and is fighting hard for me. Soical services were called in after I reported her violence. What did they do? They tried to get the children to say I was putting them up to telling lies about their mother. When the children wouldn't change their account, they were shouted at, and threatened by the so called child protection services.

So be under no illusion that you have the fight of your life in front of you. It will wear you down, you will be stressed beyond belief, your reputation will be torn apart and you might suffer from depression. HOWEVER, the courts are more even handed than you might believe, especially with all the negativity you'll hear on this forum. I've had two court appearances to date and the judge has ruled in my favour on both occasions, reprimanding my wife severely for lying. While my case is still on-going, to date my wife has been ordered to contribute towards the mortgage (after a hiatus of eight years when I was solely paying it), pay half the bills and childcare, and to desist from harassing the children or myself (with the threat of a barring order hanging over her).

Talk to family and friends about your problems as people will want to help. Look after yourself both physically and mentally. Get some exercise as it'll help with the stress. Step back and see the bigger picture every now and then. Realise that your child is the most important issue here, not you, not your wife, the house or money. A child psychologist may be appointed by the court to see how your child is coping, being influenced by the parents etc.

Look, it's not a lost case by any means. You'll need to find a Solicitor who'll listen to you and fight for you (not your money). A simple test is to see if they tell you that you're basically fcuked and your wife will get everything. If you hear that, get up and leave as they won't fight for you, just their fee.

dollydimples82 · 18-10-2015 1:25pm

Hi guys, Just in response to men always getting the raw end of the stick, hope it doesn't offend anyone but I really think you men need to start to stand up for yourselves, your too laid back. I have seen it first hand on two occasions in my life where men just go with the flow in other to avoid hassle. Also the government need to drastically change the old outdated laws in this country. Single dads are put through the mill so many times by their ex partners its not even funny, these children are not for parents to "use" against one another and while I admit that not all dads are the best, and some ignore their responsibilities, sometimes its because of their ex partner they feel so isolated and give up. I totally agree with you that men get the raw end of the stick even as far down the line as divorce, while I get that the children are usually left with the mother I really don't see what that gives them the right to hold onto the "family" home (in most cases), I have seen a lady left in the family home who has let it go to rack and ruins, broken windows etc not been replaced and while you can argue that this is that she fell apart after the marriage broke up or that he isn't paying maintance, I disagree.! I really wish women would stop using the children, family home, bad mouthing their ex just to get back at them, life is too short, unfortunately marriages break up so try and draw a line under it and move on. There is so much that women can do to get back at men and its so unfair, please men get out there and find a good solicitor one who is going to help you, if your not happy with them find another until you are,. you have as much rights just dust yourself off and don't give up at the end of the day their as much your kids as hers

Domane · 18-10-2015 2:55pm

I agree with the last poster in that you'll have to fight back or its over for you. I know you might be in a dark place right now, feeling that you've no hope but you do.

First things first, get your family and friends on side. Tell them what's going on, tell them you need help, whether emotionally or financially, you could ask them to go with you to find a good solicitor as you might not be fully in control of your emotional and mental state right now.

Second, get a good solicitor who'll listen to you and fight for you. Tell him/her what you want ie custody, access etc. Be completely open and honest with the Solicitor and tell them everything, even if it paints you in a bad light as you can be sure that your ex will throw as much dirt as possible. If your solicitor knows all, they can prepare your defence well. If your ex has been abusive, list everything and tell your Solicitor.

Keep a diary of your exs antics whether it's psychological emotional or physical abuse. Do not react to her in any way.

Finally ignore the negativity you'll read on this forum where it tells you that you're screwed. The courts are obliged to make provision for all parties in the divorce including you so don't fear that you'll be left destitute. But if you have a case, then maybe your ex will be the one who'll end up with the sleepless nights, like mine. A year ago I was very depressed and felt like I had no future. However I listened to my own advice above, asked my family and friends for help, ditched my useless Solicitor and things turned round. It's my ex who is now on the defensive while I am coping as well as anyone would in a divorce.

why do fathers get the raw end of the stick.

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