Divorce Brain Drain....

Joshua5 · 08-07-2015 1:00pm #1

Hi,

Long story short. We are separated, not legally and had plans on mediation for divorce. Everything was sweet, we both moved on and have new partners.

Life is good, it turned bad a few months ago. I won't go into the details other than say this is as a result of a new arrival on my side.

Mediation out the window, world war 3 kicks off and in the last two months I've been broken down in the district court.

With the frail relationship I decided to protect the relationship with the children I'd have the access that's been enjoyed by all forever and a day made official.

My mistake, when she received the summons all access ceased, I though foolishly the judge would frown on this. Instead she countered my access request, (Every weekend-Always been the case with holidays every year 2-3 weeks)

She countered it with reducing it to every fortnight, she tried to cancel overnights (the only thing rejected) and she insisted on a reduction on the time form noon until noon.

My children live in a different county. I'm heartbroken, trying the official route instead of being at the mercy of her mood backfired.

Just to be factual, for the last 10 months, the only weekend missed was because the children had the winter vomiting bug and my current partner who is pregnant couldn't be at risk while pregnant.

Other than that I had free access in the evenings and every single weekend. I outlined a very flexible proposal to the judge, she outlined her reduction request with no flexibility and the judge accepted it.

Family law... Where is the father in family

LegacyUser · 21-08-2015 5:28pm

Sorry to hear about this man.
I'm in a similar boat.

At the moment access has been regular, but not as much as I feel myself and my child should have. We only have a loose agreement that has changed since our mediation session when the child was born.

The situation has changed and I'm in two minds to apply for a court order to cement the access that I have, but I'm worried about loosing the access my child and I have, just because my ex will take this as some form of spite.

Are you going to appeal the decision, or did your solicitor suggest another avenue?

I feel for you man, my heart goes out to you.

Dubseagull · 03-10-2015 7:58pm

Joshua5 wrote: »

Hi,

Long story short. We are separated, not legally and had plans on mediation for divorce. Everything was sweet, we both moved on and have new partners.

Life is good, it turned bad a few months ago. I won't go into the details other than say this is as a result of a new arrival on my side.

Mediation out the window, world war 3 kicks off and in the last two months I've been broken down in the district court.

With the frail relationship I decided to protect the relationship with the children I'd have the access that's been enjoyed by all forever and a day made official.

My mistake, when she received the summons all access ceased, I though foolishly the judge would frown on this. Instead she countered my access request, (Every weekend-Always been the case with holidays every year 2-3 weeks)

She countered it with reducing it to every fortnight, she tried to cancel overnights (the only thing rejected) and she insisted on a reduction on the time form noon until noon.

My children live in a different county. I'm heartbroken, trying the official route instead of being at the mercy of her mood backfired.

Just to be factual, for the last 10 months, the only weekend missed was because the children had the winter vomiting bug and my current partner who is pregnant couldn't be at risk while pregnant.

Other than that I had free access in the evenings and every single weekend. I outlined a very flexible proposal to the judge, she outlined her reduction request with no flexibility and the judge accepted it.

Family law... Where is the father in family

Sorry to hear the way it's gone, I'm now going through similar stuff. I had main custody after she left the family home. But now she wants back and is using the "mother" card. My solicitor has basically all but told me that if I fight her through the courts I'll lose everything as I don't have a leg to stand on. I'm frustrated as I've done no wrong and brought my daughter up for the last year as best as any mother and father can. I'm about to face a complete and utter injustice and I'm completely helpless.

The system is failing good fathers due to selfish mothers.

howamidifferent · 03-10-2015 10:05pm

Father's don't have any rights no matter what the law says. Judges always side with the mother doesn't matter what their like. I've been through the process and met many others all who got the raw end of the deal. You could be a saint and she a heroin junkie and you'd still likely get the sh1t deal.

pilph · 04-10-2015 8:21am

Hi guys

Sorry to hear about the problems you have posted here. I have faced similar but recent have seen the dilemmas you mention.

After trying to make our relationship work we split last April. She offered that I could see our son a few times a week. It was a loose proposition and one where I thought no as it would involve going into her house and we could end up talking about reconciling.

I still love this girl but as it was over I wanted to move forward. I decided to go the court route but it was probably not a good idea. Yes it gives an agreement that should be adhered to but it can also create ill feeling.

I had my son last weekend. When I dropped him home, his mum told me she still loved me and misses him when he is with me. My point is I am sorry that I went the court route in April. I should have accepted he offer and taken all time to see him. She told me last weekend I am a fantastic Dad and that was like a million euro as I want to give him the best life possible.

I also joined a single dads group who are excellent. They offer practical advice and only look for voluntary contributions to pay for light and heat. They constantly advise on effective communication and how to put your children first while also seeking your rights.

The area I live in has a judge who is seen as very progressive and who

pilph · 04-10-2015 8:28am

..... has given fathers more time with their kids. The judge is keen on parents putting kids first 100% and communicating effectively to do so.

For now I would say that trying to maintain as good a relationship with your ex is the best way forward. If that is not possible then going back to court may be an option, but I really do think support groups are of huge benefit and of course this forum is an excellent area of support.

Stay calm, think what is best for the children, then communicate as effectively as possible to achieve what you want. I am only learning by my mistakes.

Pilph

Rock77 · 04-10-2015 9:12am

Hi OP, what did the judge say when she agreed to reduce the access? What reason did the mother give for reducing access? Same thing happened me a few years back.

I know the kids live with their mother but if u have them every weekend then they have no day's off to spend with their mother.

What i do is tell my child everyday that Daddy loves her and she can stay with me any night she wants.

I make sure her mother knows no matter what she does, it doesn't bother me. Once the child knows she can stay with me whenever she likes.

Joshua5 · 23-11-2015 12:55pm

I have three children and we are beginning a divorce after a tirade of false accusations against me over the last six months.

After a separation of five years and both in new relationships for several years I felt things calmed down. But that was until myself and my partner began our own family.

Anyhow, I had a safety order granted against me. It was in appeal, due to be heard last friday but the judge didn't have time so it's moved another three months out.

She removed access, and because of the safety order and I tried to represent myself I got absolutely shafted when I applied for access to be reinstated.

My eldest son who is 12 was a content wee lad until mum started arguing with me. He knows she hates me, and it appears to have rubbed off on him. When I applied for access to be reinstated she claimed he didn't want to see me. Brought him to court and the judge granted me access to two out of three children. Cut it from every weekend to 24 hours every two weeks.

I'm actually at my lowest point ever, I haven't seen my eldest son in nearly six months and it appears even though I'm married, I've always supported them, the fact she could stop my access just like that and then when I follow the channels the district court just cuts it back to suit her and won't allow me to speak to my boy. Surely this is wrong.

Stheno · 27-11-2015 11:01pm

Best approach here for you would be to seek legal advice and have a solicitor represent you.

Joshua5 · 11-01-2016 3:14pm

Hi folks,

I'm not entitled to FLA, I can't afford a solicitor and I'm getting dragged into court over and over again...

In fact 2015 has been the worst year of my life because of the sour relations between me and my soon to be ex wife...

We are separated just under four years, although we are living apart five as I had to relocate to another country for work.

She has fired across divorce papers recently just to pile on the pressure. It's all come about because I have had another bambino by my current partner.

We are both in new relationships. I'd love to divorce and draw a line in the sand, but 1-we actually aren't separated in line with the legal requirement. I'm considering just saying nothing and getting it over and done with, but if I said we don't meet the time frame will it reflect badly on me?

2- How many hearings in general does a divorce take? I plan to contest, she's looking for everything, I mean everything....

Ken. · 11-01-2016 3:38pm

How long is a piece of string. My mothers took one 15 minute session and I've a friend who was in court 8 times before his was sorted. His involved access to children.

Joshua5 · 11-01-2016 3:41pm

ken wrote: »

How long is a piece of string. My mothers took one 15 minute session and I've a friend who was in court 8 times before his was sorted. His involved access to children.

15 minutes?? Wow....

I doubt I'd be that lucky, we've three children a home together amoungst other things.

Stheno · 11-01-2016 11:03pm

ken wrote: »

How long is a piece of string. My mothers took one 15 minute session and I've a friend who was in court 8 times before his was sorted. His involved access to children.

Yeah it completely depends on how well the couple are still getting on, what their expectations are etc.

Anything involving maintenance and/or access can drag it out.

Dial Hard · 11-01-2016 11:08pm

Joshua5 wrote:

We are separated just under four years, although we are living apart five as I had to relocate to another country for work.

Joshua5 wrote:

We are both in new relationships. I'd love to divorce and draw a line in the sand, but 1-we actually aren't separated in line with the legal requirement. I'm considering just saying nothing and getting it over and done with, but if I said we don't meet the time frame will it reflect badly on me?

I'm not sure what you mean by "aren't separated in line with the legal requirement". You said earlier in your post that you split just under four years ago. Four out of five years *is* the legal requirement so you're good to go once that anniversary is hit. A judicial separation prior to divorce isn't required, just in case that's what you meant/thought.

Joshua5 · 14-01-2016 11:01am

Dial Hard wrote: »

I'm not sure what you mean by "aren't separated in line with the legal requirement". You said earlier in your post that you split just under four years ago. Four out of five years *is* the legal requirement so you're good to go once that anniversary is hit. A judicial separation prior to divorce isn't required, just in case that's what you meant/thought.

She's filed the divorce papers before we where past the four year mark, it's in the queue. Supposedly I'll have to wait around 12 months now for the case to appear and it could be struck out. We will be separated four years in August.

Just to add, it's still going to cost me a fortune, she will have FLA and if it does get struck out she'll be within her rights to lodge with FLA straight away. Surely this is an abuse of process....

Joshua5 · 17-02-2016 12:06pm

Hi Guys,

Has anyone had experience in the circuit court after an epic beat down in District court?

I've had various false accusations waged against me that I was not expecting, in other words fabricated lies so I had no evidence to disprove them even though they where ridiculous.

I had my access savagely reduced because of it, I had to apply for the access because mum removed it without notice and filled false allegations which have now been proved to be false.

In the access case at district court level they granted me access to two of three of our children, my eldest doesn't want to see me because of our separation and she mentioned she had arranged counselling for him.

As it stands today 8 months later he only attended his first session last week, mum wouldn't consent until last month even though she organized it.

Now I'm back in court in a couple of weeks for the appeal, there will be no outcome of the counselling because she delayed it.

I'm having sleepness nights that the judge will let things roll as they are..

Although in saying this the accusations which she had blasted me with in the first hearing, I've obtained cast iron evidence they are lies and I'm hoping the judge will see this for what it is but it's a gauntlet...

Experiences please

Taltos · 17-02-2016 2:28pm

Mod note
OP this is your 6th thread on your separation - if you've no objection we are going to merge them as giving advice across threads or with missing details could lead to some incorrect assumptions on the part of our posters.

Joshua5 · 17-02-2016 2:29pm

Taltos wrote: »

Mod note
OP this is your 6th thread on your separation - if you've no objection we are going to merge them as giving advice across threads or with missing details could lead to some incorrect assumptions on the part of our posters.

Yes thats cool with me, thanks. Sorry I don't know how to merge a thread and I was afraid I'd be told not to bump up old stuff. Cheers

Taltos · 17-02-2016 2:41pm

Mod note
Bumping your own threads is fine if it's all one continuation which it is - it's more not to bump other threads. I'll take care of that shortly for you and thanks.
I've just merged your 4 more recent as they are all directly related to access and not the other two.

Thanks again

Jamaican Me Crazy · 22-02-2016 12:20pm

I found the circuit court to be more 'civilised' than the district court.

Just have all of your facts straight, stay absolutely emotionless (easier said than done, I know) and don't react to anything your ex says. Outline your position to the judge and maybe suggest that your access is increased gradually over a period of time. I'm sure you are within your rights to ask for updates on your childs counselling - that they are attending at least.

Have you a solicitor? I know one is not always necessary but if your case is becoming complex and you don't have one, maybe you need to consider it.

Joshua5 · 22-02-2016 4:27pm

Jamaican Me Crazy wrote: »

I found the circuit court to be more 'civilised' than the district court.

Just have all of your facts straight, stay absolutely emotionless (easier said than done, I know) and don't react to anything your ex says. Outline your position to the judge and maybe suggest that your access is increased gradually over a period of time. I'm sure you are within your rights to ask for updates on your childs counselling - that they are attending at least.

Have you a solicitor? I know one is not always necessary but if your case is becoming complex and you don't have one, maybe you need to consider it.

Yes I have one indeed. I've alot of evidence to disprove the allegations. Factual evidence so I'm hoping the judge will see it for what it is. The last time I actually didn't think they'd believe it because it was so far fetched but that was my mistake and you only get one shot to bring the right evidence.

The problem I had was I didn't even know what half the stuff she was going to say was so how can you defend against things that are made up on the day...

Jamaican Me Crazy · 22-02-2016 5:31pm

Joshua5 wrote: »

Yes I have one indeed. I've alot of evidence to disprove the allegations. Factual evidence so I'm hoping the judge will see it for what it is. The last time I actually didn't think they'd believe it because it was so far fetched but that was my mistake and you only get one shot to bring the right evidence.

The problem I had was I didn't even know what half the stuff she was going to say was so how can you defend against things that are made up on the day...

The sad reality is that judges don't care - they just do not care about how you or I or anyone else feels. They are also well used to seeing through lies and nonsense.

Your solicitor will be able to introduce your evidence to disprove what your ex is saying and she will find it hard to come back from it if she is found to be lying.

Keep calm on the day, take direction from your solicitor and don't react to anything.

In the meantime, focus on your children. Be a good dad and mind your relationship with them. These things have a way of working out in the end.

Divorce Brain Drain....

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