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Has anyone separated from an alcoholic spouse?

  • 31-12-2012 2:39pm
    #1
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭


    Apologies in advance as I know this post is going to be rambling and long. But if you can please bear with me.

    My husband is an alcoholic, a functioning alcoholic by the looks of it. He has been drinking excessively for over 2 years now, has taken drink at work at times and drink drives on a regular basis. He is nasty and abusive (verbally, never physically) when he as drink taken and I, hand on heart, can say that I hate the sight of the person he becomes when he is drunk. It's so easy to spark off an argument with him. Two particular ones that I will never forget started over a Christmas tree last year and more recently mopping the bathroom floor was the contentious issue. :confused:

    We have three kids (10, 7 and 3). He is in total denial that he has a drink problem. He'll make the right sounds when he is trying to make up after a bad argument and will say he does have a problem but he will do nothing about it and within a few days he is drinking again. He has broken so many promises to both me and the kids. Gone back on numerous things he has said he will do and has disappointed/let down the kids on lots of occasions. I've now decided that enough is enough. I cannot help him anymore and I need to think of myself (my mental health is beginning to spiral downwards from the constant mental abuse) and the kids. I told him 3 days ago that I wanted us to separate and that I was seeking legal advice. The solicitor I want to speak to is back to work on Wednesday after the Christmas holidays so I am going to ring then to make an appointment.

    I suppose what I'm looking for here isn't so much advice but really hope that things will work out ok for me and my kids. I know what lies ahead is going to be nasty. He won't play fair and I know he will invent lies about me. Underneath I'm a strong person so I do believe I will survive this but I'm terribly worried about my kids. I feel what I'm doing is the best thing for them as living with an alcoholic parent is no walk in the park but I need someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing by removing them from this situation and it's the lesser of two evils. My family are incredibly supportive but they are obviously biased towards me. My mother thinks he the biggest bastard ever and should be strung up by the b***s!! She rants and raves a lot about him so I try to avoid talking to her about it as it wears me out and it's not what I need to hear to be honest.

    I don't know why I'm posting this really. I suppose to get it off my chest and to hear from other people that have gone through similar and come out the other side.

    Thanks for reading. Wuzziwig.


«1

Comments

  • #2
    Abi
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,058 ✭✭✭✭Abi


    Hi Wuzziwig. I think you are doing the right thing here, not just for yourself but also your 3 young children. They should not be seeing what they are seeing and hearing. If your husband will not keep his promises, nor seek support for his problem, then theres nothing else you can do. An alcoholic must genuinely want change, functioning or otherwise, he has a problem.

    My ex would be what you call a functioning alcoholic, went to work etc but drank huge amounts each night. He also had anger issues and was an extremely paranoid, this mix was extremely tough. I endured years of mental abuse, and physical followed after it.

    You're in a very tough position, I understand. You've 3 children and you hope that you're making the right decision, and worried in case it may effect them. If your husband will not deal with his addiction then it's going to be damaging for both you and your children. A lot of women and men stay in these kinds of relationships because of the promises that never materialize.

    I consider myself very lucky that I built up the strength to end it with my ex, as further down the line I'm so happy, confidence is back, and I realize that there was nothing wrong with me in the first place. His constant digs and insults were designed to weaken me, make me feel like I couldn't do any better. I know now that is very common in abusive / alcoholic relationships, but it's very hard to see that from the inside of the problem, or you just feel 'oh it's different with us, I know behind it all he loves me'. I felt like I could breathe fresh air again when I split up with him, everything became so clear.

    What did your husband say when you said you wanted a separation by the way?


  • #3
    newmug
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,571 ✭✭✭newmug


    Can I ask you both something? I'm a man, and I'm fond of a drink. But I'm nowhere "problem" territory. Anyway, if your partners did genuinely change and completely cut out drink, would you take them back?

    I personally think thats a huge motivator in helping someone to stop drinking. If your attitude is "stop drinking or I'm outa here", it kinda pushes them to drink more, both out of rebellion (who does she think she is, I'm a free man) and desperation (NOOOOOOO my wife left me). But if you have an attitude of "You have drank yourself out of this family, you are no longer a part of it. But the door is open whenever you decide to change", it provides a way better opportunity for the fella to stop drinking, without his pride being hurt too much. Just my 2 cents.

    Aswell, anger and paranoia are the result of temporary changes to the central nervous system, due to the effect of alcohol. I get very irratable myself when hungover. Its not the real man inside.


  • #4
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    Abi, thank you so much for your reply. It is very informative & extremely helpful. I found myself nodding along in agreement while reading it. I'm glad you had the strength to do what was needed & it gives me great hope to hear you have regained your confidence & sense of self. I know I will find myself reading your post again & again.

    Newmug, there is a huge difference between an alcoholic & someone that is fond of a few drinks. I don't see any future for me & my DH. The abuse has worn me down, I resent him and what he has done to our family & I do not love him anymore. You would not believe some of the things he has done. Last night he kicked off again and he reached a new low. I had to call his mother and brother out to the house to distract him while I removed myself and the kids from the house in the middle of the night. We are now staying in my parents because I am afraid of him and will not go home while he is there. I'm ringing a solicitor in the morning for advice. I can't go into what he did last night as I'm too horrified & disgusted. There is no hope for our marriage so I won't give him some falsely. The only bone I can throw him is to sort himself out if he wants any hope of having a proper relationship with his 3 beautiful kids. I would hope that would be enough.

    I think until you experience alcoholism first hand you really cannot understand just how self absorbed, devious & downright nasty a person can be.


  • #5
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    newmug,

    Please note that we expect all posts in this forum to respect the forum charter which states:
    The Separation and Divorce forum is a place to come and get some non-judgmental, emotional and practical support on the issues and challenges encountered while going through a separation and/or a divorce, perhaps from those going through similar.

    Posters here should not have to justify their request for advice on this forum.

    Many thanks

    As per site rules - please DO NOT respond to this post on-thread


  • #6
    Zirconia
    Registered Users Posts: 386 ✭✭Zirconia
    Boycott Israeli Goods & Services


    Hi OP, it sounds like you've reached the end of your tether and it looks like you're making the right decision, the relationship has been poisoned by the alcoholism, and if as you say you no longer love him there isn't any point in prolonging it. Do give him the chance to sort himself out though and maintain a relationship with his children of course, but that doesn't mean you should stay together for their sake - that never works in my experience.

    I also agree with the points made by NewMug though; perhaps they would be of use to someone else in a similar situation who is still in love with their partner (not in your case of course, but we only found that out from your reply to NewMug), but his advise could work in other relationships with similar problems.


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  • #7
    maringo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 959 ✭✭✭maringo


    Your safety and that of the kiddies is the most important thing to consider. You were right to get out of the danger zone. Would you think of talking to someone in Women's Aid? Speaking to an experienced person in confidence might help you to get your head around your options and give you some advice rather than on a forum. Just a suggestion and best of luck whatever you decide to do. Horrible situation to be in.


  • #8
    Morag
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,427 ✭✭✭Morag


    I would suggest you find an Al Anon meeting near you and go if you can.
    http://al-anon-ireland.org/meetings.htm

    There you will find people who have been through what you have.


  • #9
    tfitzgerald
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,285 ✭✭✭tfitzgerald


    I have no advice to give you. But I would like to wish you the best of luck for you and you're children now and in the future


  • #10
    starfish13
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭starfish13


    hi wuzziwig,

    had to make a profile and respond to your OP when i read it!

    firstly, i think you're very brave to have started taking the steps that you are and i hope that you give yourself the pat on the back that you deserve!

    my perspective is that of the child in a situation that was very similar to the one you describe. my dad was and unfortunately still is a chronic alcoholic and has been for as long as i can remember. my parents eventually separated in 2004 just before i sat my junior cert as the turmoil in the house from his drinking had become unbearable. almost 9 years on and i can honestly say that i am eternally grateful to my mom for finding the courage to put an end to it and ask him to leave the house.

    as you have mentioned, there were always so many broken promises and stints in rehab that just didn't work. i am older now and have done a lot of research on alcoholism, i see it for the terrible disease that it is and know in my heart that my dad does love us he is just overwhelmed by the urge he feels to drink.

    living in and growing up in a house where one parent is an alcoholic is an extremely difficult and lonely place to be and you are definitely making a decision that your children will thank you for forever.

    being the eldest and old enough to understand, i witnessed the manipulation and emotional abuse that my mom went through for years but i can tell you that she has a wonderful partner now for the last 5ish years and she is at such a happy and stable place in her life.

    i wish you and your children all the best and hope that everything works out well for you. hopefully 2013 will be a year of positive changes in your life :)


  • #11
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    Thank you all for taking time to reply to my posts. I'm on a flying visit at the moment but I promise I will reply properly when I have time. I've read what u have all said and its very helpful. Starfish thank you for sharing your experience. You sound very strong and I'm glad life is better for you and your Mum.

    My husband decided today to go into residential rehab. Me and his Mum are taking him to a place tomorrow for a suitability assessment for their programme. Hopefully they will accept him. We had a frank discussion tonight & I think he realises the other night was his rock bottom. I really do want him to get better for the sake of our kids and I will do everything I can to help him. He knows that our marriage is probably beyond repair but we still need to be civil, happy & healthy for our kids. So hopefully this is the start of his recovery. We know there is a long road ahead with many dark times on the way but it's the first step and he finally realises he needs help.

    Thank you all again. Happy new year & I hope 2013 is a good one for us all.


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  • #12
    clappyhappy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,781 ✭✭✭clappyhappy


    wuzziwig wrote: »
    Thank you all for taking time to reply to my posts. I'm on a flying visit at the moment but I promise I will reply properly when I have time. I've read what u have all said and its very helpful. Starfish thank you for sharing your experience. You sound very strong and I'm glad life is better for you and your Mum.

    My husband decided today to go into residential rehab. Me and his Mum are taking him to a place tomorrow for a suitability assessment for their programme. Hopefully they will accept him. We had a frank discussion tonight & I think he realises the other night was his rock bottom. I really do want him to get better for the sake of our kids and I will do everything I can to help him. He knows that our marriage is probably beyond repair but we still need to be civil, happy & healthy for our kids. So hopefully this is the start of his recovery. We know there is a long road ahead with many dark times on the way but it's the first step and he finally realises he needs help.

    Thank you all again. Happy new year & I hope 2013 is a good one for us all.


    The very best of luck to you all. I hope he gets and accepts the help that he needs, and that you and the kids can enjoy life without the ongoing fear of his outbursts.


  • #13
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    Apologies for not udating this thread until now but I haven't been online for ages. As I said above my DH finally admitted he is an alcoholic and he is currently in rehab on a 30 day programme. He has 17 days done now. He appears to be doing pretty well and we are communicating much better than we have over the last 2 years. I don't know what the future holds for us because much has been done and much has been said but I have to give him credit for admitting his problem and getting help to try and to do something about it. There's a long tough road ahead for us all and whether we will be together at the end of it is anyone's guess.

    Thank you all for your kind words, advice and for sharing you own personal stories. I'm going to attend Al Anon as I too need to get to grips with my feelings and try to straighten my own head out too.


  • #14
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    Well what a difference a month makes. DH came out of rehab at the beginning of the month and he lasted 3 whole weeks off the alcohol. He was drinking last Saturday night, lied repeatedly on the phone to me and arrived home screaming and bawling about how he can't live with me and it's my fault he is an alcoholic. He is being really nasty since so I now feel that I've done all I can for him and given him all the support possible. I have an appointment with a solicitor on Monday evening and I'm going to start the separation rolling. He won't move out of the house and is being a really nasty arsehole. It's going to be unbearable. He is also trying to turn the kids against me. I've just a week of it done now and I feel on the edge of a breakdown. Unless my solicitor strongly advises it I think I'm going to have to take the kids and go. We will rent somewhere I suppose as I have nowhere else to go.


  • #15
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    OP - know this is a really tough time for you but if at all possible don't make any decisions about moving out until you talk to your solicitor.
    Go in armed - detailed instances of his verbal abuse, who was there, etc.
    In terms of your kids - maybe look into arranging counselling for them and for yourself even for example al-anon.

    Trust me when I say your solicitor will have seen behaviour like this before if they have much experience of acrimonious separations and will have the best advice for you.


  • #16
    sffc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 433 ✭✭sffc


    Barring orders were legislated for in order to deal with just this situation. Best of luck OP .


  • #17
    aujopimur
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,953 ✭✭✭aujopimur


    newmug wrote: »
    Can I ask you both something? I'm a man, and I'm fond of a drink. But I'm nowhere "problem" territory. Anyway, if your partners did genuinely change and completely cut out drink, would you take them back?

    I personally think thats a huge motivator in helping someone to stop drinking. If your attitude is "stop drinking or I'm outa here", it kinda pushes them to drink more, both out of rebellion (who does she think she is, I'm a free man) and desperation (NOOOOOOO my wife left me). But if you have an attitude of "You have drank yourself out of this family, you are no longer a part of it. But the door is open whenever you decide to change", it provides a way better opportunity for the fella to stop drinking, without his pride being hurt too much. Just my 2 cents.

    Aswell, anger and paranoia are the result of temporary changes to the central nervous system, due to the effect of alcohol. I get very irratable myself when hungover. Its not the real man inside.
    "Fond of a drink" good old Irish expression, Your description of yourself describes an alcholic.


  • #18
    starfish13
    Registered Users Posts: 2 ✭starfish13


    Firstly, I'm very sorry to hear about how things have been recently OP.

    I can't give much in the way of advice about the legal separation aspect of things as thankfully we were not given many details about this. All I can reiterate is that alcoholism is a life long disease and as many times as I've heard promises from my dad, the truth is that they've never been followed through on.

    I know that it may feel as if you're the enemy in your children's eyes - every child wants to keep their family together! Trust me any anger that your children feel will be replaced with admiration and pride when they are old enough to understand the situation that you are in.

    Although I would never have admitted it to anyone, I would rather have lived in a tent than live with my dad for another day and I know that no matter how well you think you're protecting them your children are inevitably impacted by their dad's illness.

    Obviously every situation is different and I can't speak for everyone but
    I truly applaud your braveness in this situation and can somewhat appreciate the obstacles you face.

    Although it may not feel like it, you are an admirable parent and you will be rewarded with the recognition you deserve one day.

    Wishing you all the best :)


  • #19
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    aujopimur - Separation and divorce is a safe place for people to come and get advice and support. If you cannot post in a civil manner, stay on topic or offer this advice in a civil manner then per our charter we ask you not to post.


  • #20
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    Thank you Taltos and SFFC. I know this sounds a bit sad but even just having my post recognised means a lot to me. I'm very fragile at the moment (I'm not normally like that). Myself and my Mum took the kids to visit my sister for the weekend. This trip was planned a few weeks ago. It was great to get away from all the animosity and bad vibes. DH had a feed of drink on Fri night and repeatedly rang and texted my phone. I answered the first time but ignored him after that. He was screaming down the phone at me about my new partner??? WFT??? He's finally lost the plot. He also rang and texted my eldest son's phone (he's 10) but luckily he had it left in my handbag so he didn't get to talk to DS in the state he was in. He also cleared out our bank account over 3 days last week. I didn't have a penny on me and only realised that there was no money when we got to my sisters and I tried to take out cash for the weekend. I checked online and sure enough the balance was a big fat zero with 4 transactions over 3 days clearing out all our money. I had to ask my Mum for a loan. I felt so humiliated. Only for her I wouldn't have been able to buy stuff to give the kids lunch going to school today. What kind of man does that to his kids? I've changed the account that my own wages get paid into so he won't be able to get near that. I'm paid fortnightly and my wages are due in on Thursday so we'll be ok again once that money is there.

    Taltos, I've started writing down everything he does and says so I'll have a record for the solicitor today. I don't know what to expect from the meeting today and I don't even know how to start telling her about what's going on and what I want to do. If anyone has any advice I'd really appreciate.

    Starfish, thank you once again for sharing your experiences with me. It does really help a lot to hear that things do work out for the kids of alcoholics. I'm worried sick about my children and what all this is doing to them. But I do think that a stable home with me has to be far better than living with an unstable father. I'd move heaven and earth to make them feel happy and secure. They are my focus now. I've finally accepted that trying to help DH and saving our marriage is like flogging a dead horse.

    Thank you all once again for taking the time to read my ramblings and for giving me advice and support. I know I have the mettle needed to get through this, I just need reminding of that sometimes.


  • #21
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    I went to see my solicitor yesterday evening and she recommended that I approach DH about attending mediation to try and sort things out as amicably and easily as possible. He has flat out refused to attend so it looks like we're going to have a long drawn out court battle (he also says he won't turn up in court). He won't move out, I can't live with him so I just don't know what we are going to do. I asked him about selling the house and splitting the proceeds and going our separate ways. He has refused to do that as well.

    He has decided that he is taking long term sick leave from his job as he is depressed and after a few weeks he will only be getting whatever social welfare payment he'll get for being off on a longterm illness. He can't see that this is impacting on the kids, once I'm suffering that's all he cares about. TBH I don't want a penny from him. If I could just get him out of my life I'd be happy. So today he's at home lying in bed feeling sorry for himself and hard done by.

    Looks like there are even tougher times ahead.


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  • #22
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Actually OP - it might be tougher in the meantime.
    But all of this will work in your favour - as before keep records.
    Talk to your solicitor again and as well as getting your options laid out for you pick and choose a path.

    Go in armed with the "what if" questions
    > what if he doesn't turn up in court?
    > what legally can I do if he won't agree to sell?
    > what if he won't support the children through his desire to punish me?

    You have to just accept that you cannot control how he behaves - the only thing you have control over is how you react.
    Feign disinterest, as much as it hurts, don't let him see he is hurting you - just follow through on your plans and play the long game here. One other thing - don't go the other extreme and over compensate with your kids by spoiling them - as much as you can stay consistent in your approach with them. Let them know you love them and are there for them and sometimes that will mean being the "baddy" if they misbehave - be prepared for him though to play the sweet doting father who will do what he can to either spoil them rotten or undermine your corrections... Again - something to check with your solicitor.

    It might be worthwhile if you can bring a 3rd party into the house to try to talk some sense into him.
    Legal route will cost a hell of a lot, mediation a lot less and less stress. Maybe if a close friend points out that he is only hurting himself he might cop on - though I doubt it.


  • #23
    hestonpc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6 ✭hestonpc


    Hi wuzziwig. As a previous heavy drinker I have had "friends" in the same situation as your husband. Always believe themselves to be the victim, Always making plans that never happen, Always backing up thier defence with ridiculous statements and having lots of support of similar people.
    I had an alcoholic father, much like you described, was unreliable and unpredictable, I was so ashamed of him, home life was not enjoyable to say the least. A lot of my young memories include late night rows.
    For the sake of your young family you are doing the right thing, the current tough times will be a distant memory, you will be much happier, and your kids will be safe and happy.
    Your posts have given me even more reassurance that I wont drink again, I do not want to turn into the man you described.
    Stay strong and wishing you all the best.


  • #24
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    I don't get online much these days so am often late replying to posts. Apologies for that.

    Taltos, once again thank you so much for your sound advice. It is very helpful. I am trying to just be the same with the kids as I always am. They seem to be happy enough and they know that if they have any worries or need to talk that they can come to me. DS1 is the one I need to watch, he's very sensitive and deep. DS2 is a total looper and has no filter between his brain and mouth so I know he'll just say out what he is thinking. DD is probably too young to take too much in. My solicitor is in court all the week so I've left a message for her and she's going to ring me on Monday.

    Hestonpc, I would never have dreamed that my posts would be of help to anyone so I am glad that you have been able to take something from them. I wish you well and hope your determination not to drink wins out.

    Not much to update here. DH hasn't drank all week but he seems to be in some sort of deep depression. There are times when I start to feel sorry for him but then I catch myself and think I cannot afford to. He has done nothing to show me he is willing to change or willing to get help. He makes me feel like crap and I am so sad all the time. I was a really outgoing, happy go lucky, funny person who took no nonsense from anyone. I want to be her again. So I know I need to get out of this relationship before she's gone forever. I'm very confused at the moment and my emotions are all over the place.

    Thank you all once again for the advice and support. It means a lot.


  • #25
    the_syco
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 37,304 ✭✭✭✭the_syco


    wuzziwig wrote: »
    He was drinking last Saturday night, lied repeatedly on the phone to me and arrived home screaming and bawling about how he can't live with me and it's my fault he is an alcoholic.
    Wow. From a perspective of a dude, your hubbie is a weak bastard that should be kicked to the side. Sure, he has a problem, but it's not your problem.

    Long term plan; get him booted out of the house. In our system (flawed, but that's for another thread), the house will be seen as the "family home", and through the courts you can get him removed and you can go back and live in the house without him.

    =-=

    Anyhoos, OP, read this; Property rights and the breakdown of a cohabiting relationship and also Family and shared homes, though I think the latter link is more relevant to your situation, as it informs you of your right to stay in the house without the husband until your youngest child becomes 18 or 23.

    Have a read of Barring, safety and protection orders which applies to you as you're getting "emotional force" from the husband.

    Finally, get in contact with WomensAid.ie (freephone 1800 341 900) who should be able to help you out with the steps to take.

    Best of luck, and remember; fcuk him, he was given more than enough chances and your kids are more important. Chin up and rebuild your life :)


  • #26
    sffc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 433 ✭✭sffc


    the_syco wrote: »
    Wow. From a perspective of a dude, your hubbie is a weak bastard that should be kicked to the side. Sure, he has a problem, but it's not your problem.

    Long term plan; get him booted out of the house. In our system (flawed, but that's for another thread), the house will be seen as the "family home", and through the courts you can get him removed and you can go back and live in the house without him.

    =-=

    Anyhoos, OP, read this; Property rights and the breakdown of a cohabiting relationship and also Family and shared homes, though I think the latter link is more relevant to your situation, as it informs you of your right to stay in the house without the husband until your youngest child becomes 18 or 23.

    Have a read of Barring, safety and protection orders which applies to you as you're getting "emotional force" from the husband.

    Finally, get in contact with WomensAid.ie (freephone 1800 341 900) who should be able to help you out with the steps to take.

    Best of luck, and remember; fcuk him, he was given more than enough chances and your kids are more important. Chin up and rebuild your life :)

    Exactly - your children deserve at the very least the stability of being left stay on at home and for him to leave. Pack his bags for him tonight and every night till he gets the message.


  • #27
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    I posted a reply to this thread last night but it seems to have gone missing somewhere.

    Anyway after a horrendous night Saturday night, where DH terrorised both me and the kids, I think I may finally get him to move out. He has no recollection whatsoever of what he did so I told him all the gory details yesterday and told him either he goes or I go to court this week to get at the very least a protection order against him. He has said he is going to be gone when I get home from work today and will sleep in his car (get the violins! :rolleyes:). He says he will put the keys of the doors through the letterbox and will get help for his drinking and mental health. I told him that I hoped he would get better for the sake of having a relationship with his kids but that he was to be under no illusions that our marriage was well and truly over. He has done too much damage for us to ever go back.

    What he will actually do remains to be seen. I will speak to my solicitor after lunch today and I have a friend that works in the courts service and she told me that court is sitting Wednesday and Friday this week. I can't go on Wednesday as my DS2 has a hospital appointment on Wednesday morning but if I have to I will go to the courthouse on Friday morning to seek a barring/protection order against him.

    The_syco, thanks for all that information. I had googled some stuff but the information I got back was confusing. Those links are clear and easy to read and understand.

    Once again thanks to all of you for your help, support and advice. Hopefully in a few months all the aggro and hellish existence will be well and truly in our past.


  • #28
    audman
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 817 ✭✭✭audman


    wuzziwig wrote: »
    I posted a reply to this thread last night but it seems to have gone missing somewhere.

    Anyway after a horrendous night Saturday night, where DH terrorised both me and the kids, I think I may finally get him to move out. He has no recollection whatsoever of what he did so I told him all the gory details yesterday and told him either he goes or I go to court this week to get at the very least a protection order against him. He has said he is going to be gone when I get home from work today and will sleep in his car (get the violins! :rolleyes:). He says he will put the keys of the doors through the letterbox and will get help for his drinking and mental health. I told him that I hoped he would get better for the sake of having a relationship with his kids but that he was to be under no illusions that our marriage was well and truly over. He has done too much damage for us to ever go back.

    What he will actually do remains to be seen. I will speak to my solicitor after lunch today and I have a friend that works in the courts service and she told me that court is sitting Wednesday and Friday this week. I can't go on Wednesday as my DS2 has a hospital appointment on Wednesday morning but if I have to I will go to the courthouse on Friday morning to seek a barring/protection order against him.

    The_syco, thanks for all that information. I had googled some stuff but the information I got back was confusing. Those links are clear and easy to read and understand.

    Once again thanks to all of you for your help, support and advice. Hopefully in a few months all the aggro and hellish existence will be well and truly in our past.
    Hi just been reading through your posts and
    Its like what my life was like a few years ago.Was living with an alcoholic partner who was the father to my 3 kids.To say he made our life unbearable is an under statement.He drank all day every day ,was abusive mentally and physically to me and the children.He lied continuously never contributed financially to the running of the home etc.Why i put up with it for so long ill never know but after endless empty promises that he d stop drinking etc i just had enough.I applied for a barring order and was so nervous that day in court as he showed up with some fancy hot shot solicitor and i was representing myself.But i explained everything to the judge and told him how it was affecting myself and the kids mentally and physically and the judge granted the barring order immediately for 3 years.That has since run out and I've got a safety and protection order now .Thankfully he never comes near the house and the kids have nothin to do with him.There teenagers so old enough to make their own decisions whether they want to have contact or not with him.I can honestly say I've never been happier.To feel happy and safe in your own home is brilliant and most importantly myself and the kids have our sanity and don't have to walk on egg shells anymore.I really do wish you the very best .Be strong for yourself and your kids and I promise you ll never look back.
    You can apply to the courts yourself for a barring order.Its all very straight forward.


  • #29
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    Thank you for your reply Audman. I'm delighted to see that you and the kids are all happier and getting on with your lives.

    DH moved out on Monday and is living with his parents at the moment. He's been to see a doctor, has been prescribed medication and seems to think everything will be hunky dory in a few weeks and he'll be back in the house and we'll be back together. I'm having very little contact with him. The kids are going to see him on Saturday for a few hours but I have insisted that his mother be there as well. I cannot trust him with them on his own at the moment. The house has been so much calmer and happier without him. The kids are doing great and it's unbelievable how much tension there was in the house. You only realise how bad it was when it's gone. I'm also much happier and have even found myself laughing and joking this week!!


  • #30
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    Hiya Wuzziwig, I just wanted to wish you all the best. I wish my mother had been as strong as you, instead my alcoholic father continued to destroy the family and both myself and my sibling developed our own issues as a result of our upbringing, and our mothers health was ruined from the stress of it, she had a stroke and ended up brain damaged and in a wheelchair in her early 50s - still sticking up for the alcoholic and he was still drinking.

    I am almost 40 years of age now and I STILL wake up screaming some nights when I dream of what happened in the past, I have spent years in Alanon and have managed to somewhat come to terms with it all but there are times when it all comes flooding back in technicolour dreams where Im that scared child, teenager or young adult again witnessing horrific things.

    I think you are great that you are saving your kids from all of that. Big hugs, hope things improve for you and the kids!


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  • #31
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Roddneyboy - welcome to the S&D forum.
    Please note we have deleted your post as it's tone is inappropriate.

    Per our charter this forum is intended as a place for people going through separation or divorce to come and get non-judgemental support.
    Your response though was laden with jibes at "one sided man haters" here - that is not acceptable.

    Please take some time now to read the charter, also read some other threads and if you still find you cannot post in a manner that is suitable here then I am going to ask you not to post otherwise if we see similarly styled posts on this forum again we will have to action them.

    So for example but not limited to:
    Judging - We assume posters are here because they wish to investigate or proceed with separation/divorce. They should not be judged for reaching that decision, asked to justify their decision nor have the legitimacy of their decision called into question.

    Insults/personal abuse/aggression/violence/inflammatory statements – this is a support & advice forum, attempting to get a reaction through petty insults, flaming or crass generalisations are not permitted, nor is advocating violence.
    Thanks
    Taltos


  • #32
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    Taltos thank you for removing the post. I didn't see it but by the looks of it I'm better off!

    Things are still pretty awful here. DH refuses to try and make any sort of separation agreement. I'm meeting my solicitor this afternoon so we can draft a letter to him outlining everything I have tried to do to resolve this as easily as possible, he will have 10 days to respond and if he doesn't then we will have to make a court application to sort out access, the family home etc. It's all such a big mess and some days I feel as if I can't breathe with the stress of it all.

    The kids are doing surprisingly well. They seem to be very happy and adjusting well to the situation. I have lots of close family and good friends around me and the support they have given me has been amazing. Even my MIL has been an absolute rock.


  • #33
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    Nothing much to report here. DH went to see his solicitor and I received a letter that was the greatest work of fiction ever known to mankind. The lies and denial in it is just unreal. I was so upset after reading it, he made me out to be a total monster. But my own solicitor talked me down and now she is putting a reply in place. Everything moves so slowly in the legal world but I guess I'd better get well used to that.

    And that's about where we are at the moment. Kids still doing great and as for myself, well I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders, despite the stress of everything. I'm much happier and I feel like I'm finally living my own life, everything is just so much easier for me now.


  • #34
    desbrook
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,847 ✭✭✭desbrook


    wuzziwig wrote: »
    Nothing much to report here. DH went to see his solicitor and I received a letter that was the greatest work of fiction ever known to mankind. The lies and denial in it is just unreal. I was so upset after reading it, he made me out to be a total monster. But my own solicitor talked me down and now she is putting a reply in place. Everything moves so slowly in the legal world but I guess I'd better get well used to that.

    And that's about where we are at the moment. Kids still doing great and as for myself, well I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders, despite the stress of everything. I'm much happier and I feel like I'm finally living my own life, everything is just so much easier for me now.

    As you were probably told nearly everyone at some point receives a solicitors letter like the one your received during a separation . My solicitor received one accusing me of telephone harrasment . There was a lot of calls between my ex and I that one morning - but it was me trying to assist with childcare etc as her aunt had been seriously injured in a fall . There were others too - they unfortunately are part of the game .

    One word of advice (although you seem well advised by your solicitor) - Lots of my separated female friends signed not great deals . When I query it their reply is always the same - "I just wanted to get rid of him " . While I understand this sentiment be very careful you don't sell yourself short . Also in Irish law there is no such thing as a "clean break" so one never really gets rid of a spouse .

    On a more positive note I'm glad you and the kids are having a better life and are happier . Shocking admission but I don't know anyone who ended a marriage and then regretted it . The decision wasn't taken lightly I suppose.


  • #35
    100200 shih
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 169 ✭✭100200 shih


    wuzziwig wrote: »
    Nothing much to report here. DH went to see his solicitor and I received a letter that was the greatest work of fiction ever known to mankind. The lies and denial in it is just unreal. I was so upset after reading it, he made me out to be a total monster. But my own solicitor talked me down and now she is putting a reply in place. Everything moves so slowly in the legal world but I guess I'd better get well used to that.

    And that's about where we are at the moment. Kids still doing great and as for myself, well I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders, despite the stress of everything. I'm much happier and I feel like I'm finally living my own life, everything is just so much easier for me now.

    Hang in there, I kick my ex out nearly 8 years ago for the last time, it was a long hard process & at time I felt that no one was on my side ie courts etc.But you must keep strong.

    My ex had me in family court every 12 weeks for a couple of years as he was getting free legal aid he also had social services after I got the barring order. Last year he lost his free legal aid ,& Alas I have no been summons to court.

    You should still get a protection order / safety order, as if anything happens the guards can do something there & then as if you don't have these orders , the guards hands can be tied.

    Yes in regards lawyers letters , the lawyers are just going threw the process, they heard the same things day in & out. Dont let the letters upset you,

    It is so hard at the start of this process , but keep going. I recently got engaged to my partner of 5 years ( the love of my life ) , just finish my bachelors and going on to do my Masters.


    Life with my ex was so grey , now my life while somethings hard is fab.

    Talk to people at women refuse, they are great , they can talk you thro most things & its someone you can phone when you really need to talk to someone that is out side the family.


  • #36
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    I'm still totally in limbo here. My solicitor has tried to have us meet with ex and his solicitor to see if we can sort out things without going to court. He point blank refuses mediation and my solicitor feels that he is so deluded that it wouldn't work anyway. One weeks he says he has dispensed with the services of his solicitor and then the next he has him rehired. We just cannot pin him down to meet. I can apply for a legal separation in September so that is what we are going to do. My solicitor will get court proceedings rolling as soon as she can. It's going to be very costly going the court route but I feel that this is the only way to deal with him now.

    He is wrecking my head though. He is messing around with taking the kids when he is suppposed to, constantly sending me a barrage of abusive texts, making decisions one day and then totally backtracking the next. I'm at the end of my tether here. Anyway we are off on holidays for two weeks on Saturday. My phone will be switched off and he won't even enter my head. I badly need this downtime away from it all. Of course he is threatening to move into the house while we are away and be living there when we get back. I don't know if he will seriously try it or if he is doing it just to try and wreck my holiday. I've changed the locks (I've text messages where he has given me permission to do so and my solicitor told me to go ahead) but he doesn't know this yet. So let him turn up at the house and try and get in.

    Oh and the best thing of all is that he point blank denies that he is still drinking despite being caught drink driving two weeks ago.


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  • #37
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    God it's hard to believe it's been 6 months since I first posted this thread. It's a bloody long drawn out process isn't it and the end is nowhere in sight.


  • #38
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    I think you are doing great. Make sure you listen to your own advice and turn off your mobile.
    One thing to just check on before you go is your legal standing if he does move back in - see if you can get a letter or direction from your solicitor so that if he is in (worst case) when you call the gardai with this they can handle it easier for you.

    In the meantime if you have anyone in the area who can keep an quiet eye on the house and call the gardai maybe have a word with them.

    I know it is dragging out for you and yes going through the courts will be costly but at least it is movement in the right direction. Some people cut off their noses to spite their face and your ex sounds like one of those deluded prats.


  • #39
    desbrook
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,847 ✭✭✭desbrook


    Really well done OP . You are gutsy ,an amazing mum I'm sure and a credit to the thousands of women and men in your situation . Rather than deluded, personally I think he is playing a calculated game trying to break your resolve in all this . He knows the cards are stacked against him so he hoping at the last minute you will crack, offer him an over generous deal rather than face the trauma and cost of a judicial separation . From the tone of your last few posts you are remaining strong however and are backed up by a good solicitor - keep it up !


  • #40
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    Thanks Taltos and Desbrook. Does the heart good to hear supportive words.

    Taltos, the problem is that the house is legally 50% his. I don't have a barring order against him so he probably has every right to move back into the house. I asked him a few times via text if I could change the locks because I wasn't comfortable him having free and easy access to the house. He's the kind that would arrive in the middle of the night and kick off. He said I could so we got a letter drawn up for him and his brother to sign (his brother agreed to be a witness). he wouldn't sign the letter but my solicitor felt the text messages were enough given the circumstances. So I'm not sure legally what I can do to stop him. He's have to break a window or something to get in so maybe he could be done for breaking and entering but is that even possible on your own property? My solicitor is on leave this week so I cant' even ask her before i go.

    Desbrook, you could be on to something there. Though I cannot afford to give him anything. It was suggested I buy him out of the house but he refused and I couldn't have raised the money anyway. He isn't giving me a penny towards the kids but does make sporadic contributions towards the mortgage. He's looking after his interests. Obviously more important to him than his kids.


  • #41
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Ah well, it was worth a shot. OK so legally he has rights access, and if he does make a move then you have clear action - contact your solicitor.
    Critical right now you keep a record of all interactions - threats, texts, payments (incl missed or non-payments).

    I think desbrook has hit the nail on the head - have seen my brother-in-law play the exact same "long" game with my sister. She nearly broke a few times but once it went to court she trumped home. But that was just for the separation - yes it was costly but like your ex her husband just refused to take the easy and proper path, instead insisting on the courts. Also like your ex he fired his solicitor, re-hired and on and on. Just make sure you have a support network around you - folk you can talk to and vent with. My sister found a weekly trip to a counsellor did her the world of good. For the longest time she blamed herself but through talking it out she has finally learnt to let the fear and self-hate go - as I have said on other threads I now see the sister I remember from my childhood - confident, happy and finally starting to get on with her life. 2 yrs now to the divorce... :)

    Enjoy your holiday and don't let worry of what he might / might not do ruin it on you. So what if he breaks in. There is nothing you can do to stop that - but there will be plenty you or your solicitor can do if he is stupid enough to do that.


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  • #42
    Paddy Cow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    Hi op. Fair play to you for being so strong. On the issue of turning off your phone, could you get another phone so that everyone else could contact you if needed but you wouldn't have to worry about getting hassle from your ex? I think extravision are selling basic phones for €35 and you can pick up a new sim card for about €5 or €10. I hope you have a great holiday. You and the kids deserve it :)


  • #43
    monkeysnapper
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,576 ✭✭✭monkeysnapper


    hi op. ive spent ages looking through this and fair play to you. my sister went through a messy divorce with a man that did everything to make her life hell and let his kids down so many times. your on the last lap now , keep going and stay strong, your new life is just around the corner . have a great holiday :0)


  • #44
    anmhi02
    Registered Users Posts: 152 ✭✭anmhi02


    Hi you,
    All I can say is well done and keep going the way you are. You're doing fantastic. I also was married to an alcoholic who made my life hell and also our sons. I tried everything but he was just a nasty drunk who made me feel like his drinking was all in my head. I really questioned my own sanity there for a while. As in your situation he also drank and drove, he crashed the car one night and begged me to take the blame even though I was fast asleep in bed. needless to say I didn't but he still managed to wangle his way out of it. All I can say is thank God he didn't hurt or kill someone.

    Eventually I had enough of getting that horrible sick feeling in my stomach each time I heard his key in the door and just waiting for the abuse to start again. I kicked him out and eventually divorced him DIY style but its still legal and I'm divorced.

    Our son who was only 6 at the time of divorcing really hated me for kicking his daddy out, not that his daddy ever did anything for our with him. He is now 11 and the happiest child ever. We have spoken many times about his memories of hiss father being drunk and the abuse he gave to me. We have a fantastic relationship cause he feels safe now. My ex had not been in touch with his son since the divorce but my son is happy with this. He doesn't even call him daddy, just refers to him by his first name when we do discuss him.

    Life gets better so hang in there. My life turned around the day I kicked him out. I bought my own house, got promoted at work, went on to do 2 post grad diplomas in university and eventually met a wonderful man who is the complete opposite to my ex. Life is pretty damn good. But bloody hell it wad a long road to get here.

    keep faith in yourself and remember you're kids happiness. They will thank you in time. You're an amazing woman. Do not let his words or poor me tactics get to you. You did you're best with him.

    Good luck to you and your kids xx


  • #45
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    Just another quick update. I've cut all contact with my ex. I've changed my mobile phone number as the harassing texts were constant and driving me insane. He now has to go through my sister re access to the kids. Since she has been dealing with it he has been taking them on the days allocated to him. No more messing around, he was only doing it to get to me but now he realises my sister will be a witness to his crap so he's on his best behaviour.

    Me and the kids are out of the house again. At the moment we are living with my parents. I won't go into the whole details but he gave me permission to change the locks, I did and we were living happily in the house knowing he couldn't get in, then he broke in and has stayed since. I've called the police to the house but they say they can't do anything. I refuse to live in the same house as him so I felt I had no other option than to move out. We've had the house valued and it's looking like I either buy him out (don't think I can afford to) or we put it on the market. I cannot afford the go to court as the costs are way out of my budget. He's pushing for me to buy him out but I'm happy to sit on it for now. My parents have loads of room for us, they are happy to have us and the kids are blossoming under the love and care they are getting. To be honest I needed a bit of looking after myself after the crap of the last few months and I feel so much better in myself at the moment. I'm going to take my time before I decide my next step.


  • #46
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    Best wishes wuzziwig, do allow yourself to be minded for a while, youve been through a lot. Well done so far, you are doing all the right stuff. I hope you are at peace and delighted with yourself for having the strength to look after yourself and the kids.


  • #47
    Pwpane
    Closed Accounts Posts: 457 ✭✭Pwpane


    wuzziwig wrote: »
    Just another quick update. I've cut all contact with my ex. I've changed my mobile phone number as the harassing texts were constant and driving me insane. He now has to go through my sister re access to the kids. Since she has been dealing with it he has been taking them on the days allocated to him. No more messing around, he was only doing it to get to me but now he realises my sister will be a witness to his crap so he's on his best behaviour.

    Me and the kids are out of the house again. At the moment we are living with my parents. I won't go into the whole details but he gave me permission to change the locks, I did and we were living happily in the house knowing he couldn't get in, then he broke in and has stayed since. I've called the police to the house but they say they can't do anything. I refuse to live in the same house as him so I felt I had no other option than to move out. We've had the house valued and it's looking like I either buy him out (don't think I can afford to) or we put it on the market. I cannot afford the go to court as the costs are way out of my budget. He's pushing for me to buy him out but I'm happy to sit on it for now. My parents have loads of room for us, they are happy to have us and the kids are blossoming under the love and care they are getting. To be honest I needed a bit of looking after myself after the crap of the last few months and I feel so much better in myself at the moment. I'm going to take my time before I decide my next step.
    OP, I'm glad day-to-day living is so much better for you. I've been in a similar situation to yours and know how relieved you must feel to be secure in your parents' house.

    But please, don't let the idea of court go. There must be a way to get a judicial separation if you can only find it. It may be that you don't need to sell the house at all. Perhaps you can live there till the children are grown up and then sell it. Perhaps what you would need to buy him out would be much reduced by a judge, especially if he would be unreliable as regards maintenance so that maintenance was discounted. Perhaps you could get free legal aid if allowances were made for your situation. Perhaps you could get a loan from your family at reduced rates over several years to cover your legal costs.

    Please don't give up and make financial decisions that may turn out wrong for you and your children. Draw breath for a while, then have another go. The peace of a judicial separation is worth fighting for.


  • #48
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    Thanks Username123, I do feel so much happier now and I feel as if I am finally living my life instead of just existing.

    Pwpane, thanks for the sound advice. I'm not going to make any hasty decisions. My ex has a drink driving case pending and it should be heard in a month or two. I'm going to wait until I see the outcome of that anyway. If he's put off the road (I feel his solicitor will get him off on a technicality but I can live in hope he won't) he will have to move as we live out the country and he'd have no transport for work. So then maybe me and the kids could move home. I'll bide my time anyway and see how things pan out.


  • #49
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    Things are still grinding along slowly here but my solicitor and ex's are trying to set up a meeting between us all for next week. I don't expect much to come from it because how can you reason with a totally unreasonable person? Anyway I've been to the bank and they have given me approval in principle for a figure that I think is fair and should allow me to pay off our current mortgage and buy out his share of the house. I'm praying he accepts it but I know deep down he won't. If he doesn't the next step will be going to court to let a judge decide about the house. I'm trying not to get my hopes up as I feel they will be completely dashed but a little part of me lets a glimmer of hope in that me and the kids will be back in our home for Christmas.


  • #50
    newmug
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,571 ✭✭✭newmug


    Hang in there Wuzziwig! Sometime in the future, you'll look back on this period of your life and laugh with relief. You'll wonder why you were so stressed at all? Its a nasty thing to have to go through, but your kids will be grand, you'll be grand, and it'll all turn out ok.


  • #51
    wuzziwig
    Registered Users Posts: 516 ✭✭✭wuzziwig


    So we are meeting on Wednesday afternoon. I'm starting to feel sick. I don't want to sit in the same room as him but I have to. He has told his solicitor so many lies about me that the man must think I'm a total psycho. I can't believe how nervous I am getting about this. What will I be like if it ever gets to court?


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