overnight stays for small kids

pilph · 16-11-2014 12:25am #1

Hello,

I am separated from my ex a number of months. We have an 11 month old together and he lives with his mum. I recently asked his mum to give the relationship another try but she said no. I have found that very difficult as we had been very much in love prior to that.

We are due to be in court again soon and have agreed most of the access. However I would like him to come for overnight stays shortly after he is 1. He is very comfortable with me and when in my care I feel a great bond with him. His mum doesn't want overnight stays until he is 2.

What is the best thing here? While I am gutted our relationship is over, I don't want this to seem like sour grapes. However I need to do what is best for he & I now and I think he would be ready. She is a fantastic mum and loves him to bits, I just would like to be his dad as much as possible too and be able to tuck him into bed or be there when he wakes. She has also told me I am a good dad, so I would love to broach this with her before court but I am afraid she might mention that I asked her out.

Sorry if any of this is sensitive or should not be here. I am just very confused, heartbroken and looking for what is best for my Son.

P.

Sala · 16-11-2014 9:11pm

It's irrelevant that you asked her out... Even if she told the court that it doesn't make you look bad i.e. in divorces they always ask about reconciliation- the courts WANT families to stay together so in no way it makes you look bad.

It sounds like you know the best thing is to agree between yourselves. Have you tried mediation? It could be a good way to sort the overnight access, give you a chance to explain why you want it, and give her the chance to tell you what bothers her about it. You could engage a professional (or the court may suggest or order it) to determine what is the appropriate age for overnights

Jawgap · 16-11-2014 9:17pm

The mediation is a good idea.

Did she give any indication as to why she thought overnights at age 1 are a problem for her? Does she think the lad is too young or is it that she thinks your accommodation circumstances are not suitable?

Good luck.

desbrook · 17-11-2014 3:54pm

If it's going to court you need to stop thinking about your ex and start thinking about the judge. In other words you need to focus on convincing the judge that you are fit enough to look after this child on an overnight stay.

Some considerations I would make if I was the judge :

Are you punctual?
Will you have everything ready at pick up (nappies, formula etc )?
Have you experience of looking after babies overnight ?
Will there be someone else in the house eg. your mam who has such experience ?
Will your baby have their own room/enough space ?
Who else is in the house?
Is the house quiet at night ?

Etc Etc Etc ..........

Be positive and sort anything out that might be a problem. Practice making your case with a friend so you know what to say clearly. The emotional stuff on it's own wont be enough so you need to be practically prepared and be able to demonstrate that.

pilph · 20-11-2014 5:01pm

Thank you all for the replies, I am very grateful.

As it happens, my solicitor has asked that I not request overnights for another 6 months. My ex thinks my son would not be ready for it as he would not adapt to the new surroundings, but in my opinion he is. He has a great big smile when visiting me, my parents or siblings, he gets on very well with his cousins and sleeps very well when he does put his head down for a snooze. I know overnights are different though and I was ready to do all I could to make him as comfy as possible.

It is unbelievably tough being a single parent and only seeing him for a few hours a week, but all I want is what is best for him and if it means his mum is happy and that I wait for 6 more moths I will do that. No point in his mum being hurt by me seeking overnights which could end up him picking up on his mum not being happy. That and the fact that I still do love her and in no way want to hurt her means I will wait. The case is a few weeks off yet so hopefully we can fully agree on everything before the case goes before a judge.

Thank you for your replies and I appreciate them.

desbrook · 20-11-2014 8:42pm

That's great but don't let the fact that you want to rekindle the relationship cloud your judgement. The two must be totally separate. Please answer this honestly - if she was seeing someone else would you be so agreeable?

Pixie Chief · 21-11-2014 12:25pm

Given that you still have feelings for her than seem unreciprocated I would strongly recommend considering mediation. It's great that you still love her and says a lot for you that you are keen to do all the right things for her and your son. It is possible that you might come to regret some of the decisions that you commit to now, some time later in the future. This is because it is possible that your affection for her and the fact that the child lives with her creates a power imbalance between you. Your child is very young now, that changes fast. I'm not in anyway suggesting that you are doing anything wrong or that your ex will become possessive and adversarial in the future but it does happen quite often even if you can't imagine it now. The main difference between a court case and a mediated settlement as it applies to you right now is that a mediated settlement will allow you to create a 'parenting plan' for the future. It will take into account starting school, changing work conditions, child-minding, other family members, vaccinations, medical issues, insurances, anything and everything you can think of without constantly having to go back to court. Based entirely on personal experience, I would recommend that you think about this before relationships develop with other people as that's often a game changer. I/we did not do this. But we should have. We got a court decision 'for now' that coloured everything in the future when it no longer suited either of it but stuck with it now. Regretted it for a long time but nobody ever mentioned mediation or how it was different than going to court. Best of luck with everything.

pilph · 23-11-2014 5:49pm

Hi desbrook,

to be honest I'd be heartbroken but I want what is best for our son. As long as he is getting plenty of love and time with both parents that will suffice.

This week I saw him three days for 4, 6 & 5 hours. That time is golden. Once I see him that is half the battle as life without him would be absolutely unbearable.

desbrook wrote: »

That's great but don't let the fact that you want to rekindle the relationship cloud your judgement. The two must be totally separate. Please answer this honestly - if she was seeing someone else would you be so agreeable?

pilph · 23-11-2014 6:03pm

HI Pixie chief.

I think the feelings may be mutual but she doesn't want to give things a go as I left the house we were sharing before our Son was born. Shortly after she became pregnant things became extremely strained to the point where I thought being in the house was causing issues. My presence seemed to make her a wreck, emotional and constantly ticked off with me. I understand that happens but she asked me to leave about 3 months before I did. After leaving the house for a while I told her I still loved her, wanted so much to make it work and would do anything. But we stayed apart until after he was born. After that she seemed to resent me and we rowed over small things about my Son.

As this year has passed on I have realised that I never stopped loving her not once. I think of her first thing in the morning, last at night, all day. I love receiving calls from her, love to hear her voice, love to see her. My behaviour has not been up to scratch and I said/did things I regret. But in the time apart & watching him grow up, I have changed considerably and mellowed totally. If a child cannot make you change for the better, what can?

When I asked her out, I got the impression that she was surprised, but over the last few weeks she seems to be angry with me. She said a lot of things about the time before our son was born & since. I can't roll back the clock, but I do love her and I just followed my heart. We were very much in love but pregnancy changed it.

We have spent time apart too in the past and ended up back together. That is not good for any child so I wanted this time to be permanent.

Thanks for reading/listening

Pixie Chief wrote: »

Given that you still have feelings for her than seem unreciprocated I would strongly recommend considering mediation. It's great that you still love her and says a lot for you that you are keen to do all the right things for her and your son. It is possible that you might come to regret some of the decisions that you commit to now, some time later in the future. This is because it is possible that your affection for her and the fact that the child lives with her creates a power imbalance between you. Your child is very young now, that changes fast. I'm not in anyway suggesting that you are doing anything wrong or that your ex will become possessive and adversarial in the future but it does happen quite often even if you can't imagine it now. The main difference between a court case and a mediated settlement as it applies to you right now is that a mediated settlement will allow you to create a 'parenting plan' for the future. It will take into account starting school, changing work conditions, child-minding, other family members, vaccinations, medical issues, insurances, anything and everything you can think of without constantly having to go back to court. Based entirely on personal experience, I would recommend that you think about this before relationships develop with other people as that's often a game changer. I/we did not do this. But we should have. We got a court decision 'for now' that coloured everything in the future when it no longer suited either of it but stuck with it now. Regretted it for a long time but nobody ever mentioned mediation or how it was different than going to court. Best of luck with everything.

Pixie Chief · 23-11-2014 6:19pm

Oh god, pilph, my heart breaks for you! I don't know any of the circumstances but that seems terribly sad. I admire you for wanting the best for your son regardless of whatever else is going on and obviously you do still love her. I wish I could tell you that it will all be fine but I've no idea. You mentioned anger/your presence seeming to stress her - any possibility of PND? (not said in a dismissive way or assuming that's the reason, just wondering). I would still recommend counselling/parenting classes/mediation (it's not just for separating couples)/or something else that helps you both communicate without the stress/anger. Even if it doesn't help to achieve a reconciliation (and I wouldn't go in hoping it will) it should help build a more positive and fairly split co-parenting relationship. Oh, f**k being the voice of reason, I hope everything works out for you. Let us know how you get on. I have my fingers crossed.....

pilph · 23-11-2014 6:25pm

Thanks Pixie Chief.

It is difficult. My heart is breaking. I spent all last weekend crying and similar today & yesterday. To be fair to her when we did part last year she organised mediation straight away. I am different to her in that she panics and is hurt up front, for me it is delayed. A few months down the road and I cannot sleep, finding it hard to eat etc. I am seeing a counsellor as that is a help to deal with emotions and boundaries but the guilt I feel is terrible.

I've had long term relationships break up before but not like this. Several times in the past she has put things on the line for me and now more than anything I want her back. What can I say? I love her. Simple as that :-)

Pixie Chief · 23-11-2014 6:35pm

Had a long reply and deleted it. I actually don't have advice, I just hope you find a way to make your life happy, with or without her. Sometimes, if we're extraordinarily lucky, we do get a chance to go back and do it all right this time. Best of luck, OP, everyone deserves to be happy and I hope you get there, one way or another.

Dial Hard · 03-12-2014 4:47pm

Pixie Chief wrote: »

I would still recommend counselling/parenting classes/mediation (it's not just for separating couples)/or something else that helps you both communicate without the stress/anger. Even if it doesn't help to achieve a reconciliation (and I wouldn't go in hoping it will) it should help build a more positive and fairly split co-parenting relationship. Oh, f**k being the voice of reason, I hope everything works out for you. Let us know how you get on. I have my fingers crossed.....

Actually mediation is specifically aimed at separating couples and mediators are instructed to end the process immediately if either party expresses a hope/wish for a reconciliation.

Given that this is clearly the case with the OP, mediation isn't really an option at the moment. I would definitely recommend that they go for counselling, though, both as a couple and singly.

Pixie Chief · 03-12-2014 5:56pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

Actually mediation is specifically aimed at separating couples and mediators are instructed to end the process immediately if either party expresses a hope/wish for a reconciliation.

Given that this is clearly the case with the OP, mediation isn't really an option at the moment. I would definitely recommend that they go for counselling, though, both as a couple and singly.

Actually mediation is not just aimed at separating couples, there is a vast variety of mediation available including mediating to stay married, just as there is peer mediation, personal injury mediation, parent/teen mediation ad almost infinitum. Mediators acting in a separation are instructed to end the process if one party expresses a wish to reconcile because that specific mediation is to achieve a separation and obviously one party is not ready to do so. I was not suggesting a separation mediation but rather a co-parenting mediation where there are already difficulties in deciding who does what, with who and when and that seems set to continue - those issues that are related to but not part of a legal separation. The point being that it would improve their co-parenting relationship and ability to deal with each other.

There seems little point in suggesting couples counselling when she obviously does not want to get back together and is unlikely to see any reason to attend which leaves the OP exactly where he is now.

BetterThanThou · 03-12-2014 7:20pm

I'm not a parent, so my knowledge isn't the best, but I've known a good few separated families with children as young as yours, I've noticed some kids have no problem adapting to their surroundings at that young age at all, whereas others do. I'd suggest asking the mother if you could try one overnight stay to see how he gets on, and then determine if it should be a regular thing after that.

pilph · 16-12-2014 2:27am

Thanks for all the replies.

Access agreement worked out and was easy to work out. The hard part is I love her, I always will. I made a mistake letting her go and am paying for it now. I am a changed man and crave what we had.

I forced myself to go on a couple of dates but my heart wasn't in it. I know that years down the road I will still love this girl, the mother of my child.

It is very difficult but sometimes you only realise your mid journey folly at the journey's end.

Really appreciate your responses.

Pilph.

howardmarks · 16-12-2014 2:45am

pilph wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.

Access agreement worked out and was easy to work out. The hard part is I love her, I always will. I made a mistake letting her go and am paying for it now. I am a changed man and crave what we had.

I forced myself to go on a couple of dates but my heart wasn't in it. I know that years down the road I will still love this girl, the mother of my child.

It is very difficult but sometimes you only realise your mid journey folly at the journey's end.

Really appreciate your responses.

Pilph.

You will get over it in time. But you're going to have to take the time to find that out for yourself. Life can take a long time if you're lucky. How you feel now will change eventually.

At one year old most children don't realise what bed or house they're sleeping in. The most important thing is they have loving parents whichever they spend the night with.

overnight stays for small kids

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