Wake Up Call

LegacyUser · 05-12-2007 12:29pm #1

all sorts of opinions welcome as my head is so wrecked from it all dont know what to do!
with my bf 4 years. dont live together,i work days, he works nites n wkends(family pub) so we just see each other after he finishes work sat n sun nites. for past few months contact from him during the week has become only every second or third day,which is bad considering we rarely have a nite out or day together. never calls during d day etc..he's so used to just looking after himself he's unwilling to compromise on anything n if i give out to him over anything,he goes off sulking and im the 1 that has to make contact first...every single time! he's started gambling online 12 months ago when he finishes work at 1am and doesnt get to bed until 6am. he does this 4 or 5 nites of week. this he blurted out to me after drink one nite n when i tried to talk to him about it when he was sober, i was told where to go! i cant talk to him about anything coz its just complete shut down from him and i've tried every approach possible.. my birthday was last month to which i received no present/card from him, it wasnt taht he didnt get me a expensive present just that he showed no thought at all.. what can i di, what will i do with this 38 year old child??

tbh · 05-12-2007 12:42pm

list the reasons that you are still with him. It should contain more than the following:

1. It's easier than starting again

2. I don't want to be alone.

Beruthiel · 05-12-2007 12:45pm

Why are you with him?
Are you happy?
Do you think he's worth staying with?

If I'm not happy in a relationship I finish it.
Do you think your b/f is interested in having a happy relationship with you?
From what you say above, he's not.
So, what do you conclude from that?

LegacyUser · 05-12-2007 1:02pm

not sure why im with him to be honest.. prob coz when i first meet him he adored me so much and he made such an effort, he used to sleep around before he met me and this all stopped when he met me... in my head i probably think he does care and will eventually go back showing it

Cathmandooo · 05-12-2007 1:12pm

Sounds like you could do a lot better.

From what you said he shows no love or concern for you. It sounds like you both lead seperate lives as it is so if you do decide to break up it shouldnt be too much of a shell shock. List all his good points in your head. If they're good enough then talk to him and tell him how unhappy you are the way your relationship is at the moment. If they're not good enough then I'd call it quits immediately. Believe me I find it better to be single than being miserable in a worthless relationship.

Wibbs · 05-12-2007 1:24pm

tbh wrote: »

list the reasons that you are still with him. It should contain more than the following:

1. It's easier than starting again

2. I don't want to be alone.

I agree with this. Very common reasons for staying. You may reply by saying you love him. I don't buy that as love is a two way street and at the moment he's not giving you that. Not by a long shot. Also if he's pulling this childish crap at 38 you're on a road to nowhere, unless he wants to change for himself. He won't do that until he gets a little life lesson. Even then he probably won't. No point hanging around waiting.

MicraBoy · 05-12-2007 1:27pm

Are you really "with" him? From your description he sounds more like someone you have sex with at weekends. That's not a relationship.

LegacyUser · 05-12-2007 1:35pm

Whenever I row with my boyfriend, I always make contact first. I always want to see him more than he wants to see me. I feel like a nag, but I can see him being exactly like your fella in ten years. Why can't they learn some respect, and learn that what they have is a good thing with us. I do everything for him, it's like being with a big child, but I love him so I am going to see how it goes. My fella is very standoffish too, and can make me feel stupid for bringing up valid points.

the dee · 05-12-2007 1:40pm

I'd say talk to him, say you're thinking about ending it. If he really wants to be with you that's the wake-up call he'll need. If he doesn't seem to mind it's a clear sign things are going no where fast and you should get out.

Beruthiel · 05-12-2007 1:47pm

Unsure14 wrote: »

in my head i probably think he does care and will eventually go back showing it

You could spend the next 50 years of your life waiting for that to happen.

tbh · 05-12-2007 1:48pm

Unsure14 wrote: »

not sure why im with him to be honest.. prob coz when i first meet him he adored me so much and he made such an effort, he used to sleep around before he met me and this all stopped when he met me... in my head i probably think he does care and will eventually go back showing it

good luck with that. I'm pretty sure I'll just wake up one morning and not want to smoke - that'll probably be the same day.

Miss Fluff · 05-12-2007 2:02pm

Maybe he couldn't afford to get you a present or card because he's got into trouble with his gambling. Either way, I really don't see why you are hanging on in there, what exactly are you getting out of the relationship?

LegacyUser · 05-12-2007 2:04pm

I have broken it off so many times its probably my own fault he takes no more notice of me
when i say it.. everytime i break it off i hope he just goes away has a think for himself and realise how worthless his time was but i never hear anything from him.. the longest it was off was 2 weeks.. when he's away from home(holidays with boys etc) though he's constantly on phone to me and texting to say he loves me and misses me. as one poster said it feels as if im the one always begging to have "a relationship" with him..

the dee · 05-12-2007 2:24pm

I'd say break it off for good if that's the case. Don't get in contact with him again. You derserve someone better, it doesn't sound like he cares very much.

LegacyUser · 05-12-2007 2:44pm

Oh My God wrote: »

Why can't they learn some respect, and learn that what they have is a good thing with us. I do everything for him, it's like being with a big child, but I love him so I am going to see how it goes.

Why would they learn any respect when (1) you don't make them and (2) you show them that you have no respect for yourself by putting up with their crap?

LegacyUser · 05-12-2007 2:50pm

I was with someone like that before! When I say I was with someone like that, I'm still with the same person but he has totally changed!! At the beginning of our relationship everything was perfect, this went on for 2 years and then a few bad things happened in his life and everything changed between us! He used to stay up all night on the net and then sleep through the next day, this happened week after week and he lost his job. It was like he was stuck at this point and couldn't move on, no matter how much love I gave him or how much I did for him I couldn't change anything!! This went on for close to a year during which time he didn't treat me like i deserved to be treated, it was like he was taking everything out on me!! Eventually I faced up to the fact that if he was to get over this depression he would need to do it himself and for himself, so I left!!
I think it helped that I wasn't around him and babying him and telling him everything was going to be ok!! He needed a kick up the ass so to speak and when I left I think he realised that he was ruining his life!! So a few months later we got back together and he's really ambitious like he used to be when we first met, things are good now!
The reason Im telling you this is because it sounds to me like maybe he's not happy with his life? He works horrible hours and then wastes the rest of the time gambling online!! He might be just stuck in a rut and might be depressed. Either way though it's not fair on you and if you have already tried talking to him about it then there is not much else you can do except leave! Who knows, like my situation things might get better!! Good Luck!

AngryBadger · 05-12-2007 3:29pm

Oh My God wrote: »

Whenever I row with my boyfriend, I always make contact first. I always want to see him more than he wants to see me. I feel like a nag, but I can see him being exactly like your fella in ten years. Why can't they learn some respect, and learn that what they have is a good thing with us. I do everything for him, it's like being with a big child, but I love him so I am going to see how it goes. My fella is very standoffish too, and can make me feel stupid for bringing up valid points.

Well if that's your fella in ten years that means he's in his 20's, so why would you be fool enough to run around doing stuff for him?

OP, sounds like you can do a lot better than this. Your bf should show you way more respect.

Pigletlover · 05-12-2007 3:52pm

You're going out 4 years and you just see each other at weekends and he only contacts you every 2-3 days? I know I'd expect a lot more from a relationship after that length of time. From what you said he hasn't always been like this, so I'm guessing it has something to do with his gambling. This could be why he didn't get you a birthday present - maybe he has run up debts that he hasn't told you about.

I know most of the posters here are telling you to walk but if you feel he's worth the effort then give him one last chance. Sit him down and get to the bottom of what has caused him to change in recent months and find out where he sees the relationship going. Decide what you want from the relationship and don't settle for anything less. From what I can see you have given this man enough chances and it is up to him to prove that he is worth sticking around for.

Wibbs · 05-12-2007 6:47pm

Oh My God wrote: »

Whenever I row with my boyfriend, I always make contact first. I always want to see him more than he wants to see me. I feel like a nag, but I can see him being exactly like your fella in ten years.

Why can't they learn some respect, and learn that what they have is a good thing with us.

See your previous statement. It's because he has a good thing with you. You do all the running. Why should he change?

I do everything for him,

Again a problem. If you don't respect your own boundaries why do you expect him to?

it's like being with a big child

That's precisely it. He is acting like a big child and you're acting like his mother. You're doing everything for him, you love him unconditionally and nag him onto doing things like his ma did when he was a surly teenager.

but I love him so I am going to see how it goes.

That's no excuse or valid reason. I've left people I've loved because they weren't respecting my boundaries. Better to be on your own than having to baby someone.

My fella is very standoffish too, and can make me feel stupid for bringing up valid points.

Read all of that back and ask yourself why do you love him? He seems to be just reinforcing how you feel about yourself by his behaviour. That's not love. If you don't have boundaries that's not love. If he doesn't respect them, that's not love. If you don't respect yourself enough to be in a relationship with an equal then that's not love, either for yourself or him.

All of the above goes for the OP too. Women(and men) who get themselves into this situation have only themselves to blame. If you give your dog a bone every time he bites you why are you so shocked when he keeps biting you?

LegacyUser · 05-12-2007 9:57pm

everytime i walk away i feel as if this time its for good, but its always me who makes contact again. he used to treat his ex's alot worse! he's mam was a bad alcoholic n constantly put him down. then he's girlfriend before he met me was a nutcase who used to pester him and tell him shed hill herself if he left so part of me feels guilty then when i shout at him n tell him he's the most heartless person i've ever met!

Wibbs · 06-12-2007 9:55am

Unsure14 wrote: »

everytime i walk away i feel as if this time its for good, but its always me who makes contact again.

And it always will be until you start to think more about yourself and have some respect for your self.

he used to treat his ex's alot worse!

and? What does that tell you about him as a man? He treats people, especially women in relationships badly and trust me he'll default back to worse behaviour again. In any case so what, if treats you "better"? You may feel like he's "different" with you and you're changing him. That's a rock too many women perish on. I've seen it with too many of my female mates to a lesser or greater extent. People never change unless they want to. No matter how much or in spite of how much you try to change them.

he's mam was a bad alcoholic n constantly put him down.

Boo hoo, cry me a river. I've known many people with less than ideal backgrounds that are not dicks. He's an adult now, so time for him to act like one.

then he's girlfriend before he met me was a nutcase who used to pester him and tell him shed hill herself if he left so part of me feels guilty then when i shout at him n tell him he's the most heartless person i've ever met!

Again so what? You're not his keeper and you're certainly not his exes. Guilt and hope for change is not a good basis for any relationship. You need to examine what you get out of this and why you are willing to take this. Just saying that you love him doesn't cut it. It really doesn't. Look down the line and consider what he's going to be like if you have children with this guy.

Beruthiel · 06-12-2007 10:46am

Unsure14 wrote: »

he used to treat his ex's alot worse! he's mam was a bad alcoholic n constantly put him down. then he's girlfriend before he met me was a nutcase who used to pester him and tell him shed hill herself if he left so part of me feels guilty

Unsure
You come across as a woman so desperate to stay with this guy that you've come up with some of the weakest excuses I've seen in a long time.

There are very few of us in this world who have had a perfect life.
Life has thrown most of us some sort of crap or other. Some of us get it worse than others.
That does not mean for one second that we can use that as an excuse to treat others badly.
As we get older, most of us will look at ourselves, realise our less than perfect traits and work towards making ourselves better people.
You b/f couldn't be arsed.
You can't make him care about that, he has to want to change, nothing you say or do will cause that change.
I'm betting you are thinking that if he loved you enough then he would. He hasn't. Work the rest out.

Wake Up Call

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